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Chapter 4
"Well done, Raziel." Came the ridiculously happy voice of the Elder God. "Now you have the wonderfully useful ability to walk through metal bars and such. But don't try phasing through anything solid." The Elder God added ominously. "The last incident of that was not pretty. If you're done here, can you pop back to the office? I have something for you."
Raziel quirked an ex-eyebrow. "Am I not allowed to mourn the passing of my dignity first? Or brother, even. Yes, am I not allowed to mourn the death of poor Melchiah? Always the fat, bald kid at Kain's councils?"
He listened for a moment, though the Elder God appeared to have gone to wherever the Elder God went to when he wasn't watching Raziel.
"Fine." He grunted, and stormed up to the metal barred gate. He regarded it for a moment, shrugged, turned sideways, and shuffled himself through one of the gaps. Briefly he wondered what all the fuss was about.
The Elder God had heard Raziel's comment, but didn't deign to give an answer due to the remarkable discovery he had made. On a musty nearly forgotten about shelf at the back of the office the Elder God found what he considered treasure. He was now frantically leafing through a book titled 'Energetic Enterprising for the Adroit with extra chapter on 'enthusing your staff''. The Elder God was, contradictory to his location, now in heaven.
Raziel made his way to the nearest giant door-thing, as he had come to name the portals, and selected his destination. After a moment, a chirpy female voice informed him that the portal had been delayed by a Turelim on the line, and normal service would resume next Tuesday. With a sigh, Raziel stepped off the platform, twirled prettily into the Spectral Realm, and threw himself at the nearest angry slaugh. Moments later, he found himself no worse for wear, seated on a uncomfortable chair in the Elder Gods waiting room. Across from him, a small slaugh was pushing wooden beads back and forth over a metal... thing, apparently highly amused by the toy. Raziel sighed again, and dropped his elbows onto his knees. He hummed a sad little tune.
"Raziel, what are you doing in the waiting room? Come in my boy. Ignore the slaugh out there, I am. It's apparently a representative of theirs. They want to negotiate a truce and a sharing of souls equally, so I'm now having hell with the union. It's a long story." The Elder God waved a tentacle dismissively, as if to wave the problem away. This wasn't the best way to inspire the staff and promote confidence in their employer. He sighed, he really needed to read more of that book. "You need to go back to the Sanctuary of the Clans as I have had word that Kain is currently there."
"Kain?" Raziel snarled, completely forgetting all the other things he had intended to complain about, "Finally." he said to himself, and barged off in what he hoped was the right direction, all vengeance and indignation. It hadn't occurred to him that, despite how much he complained, grumbled and whined, he was becoming increasingly like a wind-up toy. All the Elder God had to do was say a name and a location, point him in the right direction, and marvel at the mess that ensued.
The Elder God watched his little blue minion stomp out of the office. "I'm so glad I had finished talking to you." He said.
Raziel paused. He spun on his heel and stood in the doorway, hopping impatiently from foot to foot, glancing over his shoulder as if he expected to find Kain behind him, running for the door, never to be seen again. "There was something else?"
"Just that you need to visit Zephon next. There was something else, but you've made me forget now."
Raziel blinked. "Zephon? No one's killed him already? Rahab promised he would do it - really, honest to Kain, promised he would, after the rope and scissors incident..." Raziel twitched. "Oh well."
"No, unfortunately your brother is alive and well in the undead sense of the word. As for that promise, how can you expect any less from that degenerate race? I presume you know where to find him?" The Elder God asked.
Raziel scowled at his feet. "Is he still trying to glue himself to the walls of his bedroom? He was always too busy 'experimenting' to notice that the rest of us moved out of Dad's nine hundred years before. We didn't bother reminding him."
The Elder God didn't inquire to what 'experimenting' Zephon got up to. "No, Raziel. He is no longer in Sanctuary. He lives in a rather large Cathedral to the east, can't miss it unless you look in the wrong place. Maybe he's glued himself to the wall there?"
"Oh. Oh, good for him." Raziel twitched his claws impatiently. "Can I go exact revenge on Kain now?"
"Oh, yes. Run along. I have books to get back to." The Elder God turned his eye previously fixed on Raziel back to his book, excitedly engrossed in his latest project to improve services. "Ooo, the possibilities..." He murmured to himself.
Raziel peered at the Elder God curiously, feeling mildly disturbed by his fascination with the book. He backed out of the door, and, when he was quite certain he was out of sight of the Elder God (though that was quite a feat, taking the small eyeballs that lined the walls), broke into a wild run, and didn't stop until he standing on the edge of the Sanctuary of the Clans.
The inside of the Sanctuary was seemingly silent, but the Dumahim had got into everywhere of late and the Sanctuary was no exception. Kain sat on his throne, annoyed with his third son. Was nowhere sacred anymore?
Raziel shuffled sideways through a gateway, silently mocking Melchiah's supposedly special talent. It hadn't occurred to him that Melchiah had been three times his size and so had required another method of phasing through gates, and perhaps he was misinterpreting this ability.
Ahead of him, two Dumahim awaited... something. For a second his hand rested on the edge of his arm-covering, where his long speech was written, but only for long enough for him to acknowledge that his previous encounters with Dumahim had been incredibly awkward, and it would be easier, and produce the same results, did he just sneak over there and stab them pointy objects.
Grabbing a spear from the wall, he charged at them. They charged back. They fought, dramatically. Loud, unexplainable, apocalyptic music played.
Kain sat there listening to his gramophone, polishing the Tube Reaver unnecessarily with a teatowel. He liked listening to music here, the sound echoed well off the stone walls and could be heard clearly around the entire of the Sanctuary of the Clans
"YAAAAAAAH!"
Raziel ducked, as yet another Dumahim charged at him. It tripped, flew over his head, and landed in a pool of water. Raziel had always wondered why Kain liked to keep large ponds in places where large ponds really weren't acceptable. Places like near Kain. He didn't ponder it for long, as another Dumahim threw itself at him, with a cry of "SQUISH!"; Dumah's own favourite warcry. He ducked again, and spun low to the ground, kicking a leg out. The Dumahim tripped over him, and landed heavily on the ground. Raziel threw his weight at the half-dead Dumahim, forcing it off the edge of the bridge, to a soggy death.
Raziel stood, dusted himself off, and continued nonchalantly on his way, following the sound of the music.
Kain watched his eldest walk through the door. "Raziel."
"Kain." Raziel spat his name.
"Raziel."
"Kain."
"The wash has turned you blue."
"You still roll in grass."
"What I choose to do with my time, is my decision, child." Kain retorted.
"And what I do with my time is your decision, too, I suppose? And my clan's time? And my trousers time? Your acts of destruction are incon - unconc - unconsin - bad! Very, very bad!" Raziel shook a claw at Kain.
"It would seem that you need me to decide, Raziel. You cannot find your trousers, you cannot even articulate the words necessary to verbally attack me. Whereas I need no words to chastise you." With that, Kain raised the recently polished Tube Reaver and having decided to forgo grace or subtlety, struck Raziel over the head with it, hard. Kain watched looking smug as Raziel was knocked into the spectral realm and he dropped the now bent and limp Tube Reaver to the floor. Kain teleported to wherever he deemed it was necessary to go.
Having a Tube Reaver meet with one's head in a very sudden, strong, downward motion does not do much for the health and well being. The cardboard of the Tube Reaver being industrial strength.
For a moment, Raziel didn't move. When he did, it was only to wonder why he was now laying on the floor in spectral realm, and what had happened to the field of buttercups he'd been running through, calling to Kain to lend him money for new trousers. After a moment, the reality of his situation came back to him, and he regarded the limp, bent Reaver before him. Kain's last words floated back to him.
"Smug bastard, he knows how bad I am at tag, and to do that without even telling me he was being It or counting to a hundred? Oh well, I'm It now." Raziel quickly blamed his monologue on the concussion.
The Elder God's dulcet tones filled the room. "Raziel, Stop being off with the fairies and look at the Reaver will you. This will be useful for you. Could make the whole process a lot quicker you know."
Raziel grumbled something about fairies, and turned his attention to the Reaver. "It can't be useful. It's gone soggy." He stated.
"Not the physical blade, you can't pick that up anyway. Do you deliberately try my patience or is it just a natural gift?" The Elder God said good-naturedly. He'd been redecorating his office and felt he was on to something. His good mood was practically unshakable.
Raziel was particularly disturbed by the Elder God's perkiness. "Yes, I do actually. What am I supposed to do now, take it and beat my enemies with a lump of limp, mysteriously glowing, cardboard?"
"It's the mysteriously glowing bit you're supposed to take notice of, numbskull. Did you're brain burn away in the wash too?" The Elder God refused to be irritated by Raziel's obtuseness. "Just get on with it."
"Alright, alright." Raziel huffed. He stepped closer to the mysteriously glowing thing and poked it. It attached itself to him.
"This is mildly concerning."
"You and the Wraith Tube are joined at the arm, so to speak. It will help you collect souls for registering more efficiently. Now, have fun and go get Zephon." The Elder God returned to his book. He was mildly irked that Kain had got away, but still too happy to let it get to him. This new weapon of Raziel's would remedy the situation soon enough.
"It itches." Raziel whined, and shook his arm as if to shake it off. The coils of energy curling around his arm tightened in protest. With an irked, wordless whine, he reluctantly set off to find Zephon. Maybe, hopefully, his brother had calmed down by now, or at least successfully super-glued himself to the wall.
The Elder God looked up from his book. "Shut up, Raziel."
A/N: This chapter is a bit shorter than the other ones, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. The last one was a bit too long. Okay, sorry the last chapter wasn't as funny. We hope this one is back on form. Please review and let us know how we're getting on, it's our readers that give us the incentive to carry on so let us know you're reading and what you think.
On to the reviews:
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RockyShoreline: Thank you as well. The cockney vampires were just begging to be done, mainly because it gave Raziel something else to do but aimlessly swipe at vampires heads until he ran into Melchiah. You're reviews, as always are cherished J
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