Reviewer responses:

Smoke: Thanks for reviewing again. Good line wasn't it? I can't take credit for that one, which was Clodpool's fantastic work.

Darster: Glad you're still with us. Yep, we have something planned for Rahab. In the rough version of this, it was my favourite death out of all of them. As to the Elder God, eventually all will be revealed!

TUBE REAVER-chapter 5

"Below the trees, above the river, left of a lake wanders a long suffering ghoul of one sided beauty." The voice came from a spectral woman drifting around the pillars. Startled from her reverie, she turned to see what had so rudely disturbed her. "A nightmare apparent of the blue variety. Do you come to vex and rile me like that viridian malignant spirit you most likely call master?"

Raziel stopped mid-step, and turned to face his new excuse for company. "Sorry to disturb you," he said, eyeing the spirit warily, "I didn't mean to. I'll leave you to enjoy your thesaurus in peace. Kain never liked me disturbing his Thesaurus Time, either." He added.

"Ahh, my thesaurus is as ethereal and insubstantial as my own unearthly form, therefore as ineffectual and insipid as its owner, therefore unimportant. The continuing existence of Kain is the cause of my continued suffering throughout these many long years. He refused the sacrifice and thus condemned me to angst with nothing but my thesaurus for companionship." Ariel lamented, profusely.

Raziel nodded sympathetically. "Kain condemned me to eternal angst, as well as many other things. Just be thankful he let you keep your dress."

"Then we are uncommonly similar. Come speak with me when you get lost. Ariel forgets at times what others remember and when I remember I am mystically vague..." She vanished behind a pillar.

Raziel breathed a sigh of relief, and made a run for it before she came back again. He paused in the doorway, taking a second to recall the whereabouts of his second youngest brother's domain, before deciding that following the nearest trail of strange and horrific... things, might earn him more luck than his memory. Reluctantly, he made his way forward.

The Elder God had conveniently put a series of small signposts up to help Raziel find his way to Zephon's domain. He didn't trust that magniloquent spectre Ariel to tell Raziel anything the boy would understand. The fact that Raziel had spent a millenium as one of the ruling class of Nosgoth and still didn't know his way around what was essentially his own back yard, was concerning the Elder God, though not too much, due to his cheerful, if somewhat neurotic disposition.

Perhaps the Elder God was good for something, Raziel wondered as he passed the third, somewhat slimy looking, signpost. Above him loomed the Silenced Cathedral, and in front of him, a gate. He shifted into spectral realm phased through it, and shifted again into the material realm. Ahead of him, a pale, hideous beast stalked across a stone platform. Raziel deemed that Zephon's children were far too ugly to be married and so would have to be impaled, and far too ugly to still be wear trousers uncomfortably similar to those Raziel was so sorely missing. In a fit of jealous rage, he jumped and threw the offending Zephonim into a convenient pool of water.

Zephon was everywhere, or so he believed. How accurate this was, the Zephonim were unsure and didn't like to speculate, but they knew their master's knowledge was reasonably far reaching. Currently this far-reaching knowledge was aware of Raziel's presence in his territory. He was not happy. He hated Raziel beyond words, Raziel had always got the top bunk as he'd refused to share with anyone else as Zephon was the only one that didn't snore. Zephon sent two elder vampires to check the Cathedral's security measures were in place.

Raziel sneaked until he came to something like a courtyard, but for the large buildings in the middle of it. His brother had always had strange taste in decor, Raziel remembered, Zephon was usually the target of Rahab's relentless 'style lectures'.

Ahead of him, he found a Zephonim climbing up and down a wall. Perhaps the vampire was trying to glue himself there. With minimal effort (at least, he had hoped for minimal effort when he jumped at the creature, until he found that the Zephonim was quite an accomplished fighter himself and Raziel felt mildly humiliated and slightly bruised) he dispatched the vampire, and went about finding his way into the heart of the Cathedral.

The two Zephonim had meticulously checked the blocks and decided that they were arranged haphazardly enough that it should frustrate even the most dedicated of puzzle enthusiasts. From what they had heard of the former lieutenant from their master, he should fail to work out where even the first block should go. Then there was all the business with the pipes. The situation should be hopeless.

Raziel found himself in the centre of a small room, filled with blocks, and a Zephonim vampire in one corner, apparently taking too much amusement from his confusion to even raise a claw at him. Raziel glared at him. "And I suppose you think you could do better?"

The Zephonim made no reply. With a resigned sigh, Raziel took a spear and impaled the thing on it, then got to solving the puzzle.

After much work, one block sat there obstinately like it was staring at Raziel, refusing to fit anywhere.

Raziel kicked it. It sat there. He kicked it again. It sat there. He took a step back, made a loud, growly noise, and threw himself at it. Despite the chips of rock, sparks, and noises of protest from the stone itself, the block fit. Raziel danced triumphant little dance, and headed to find the next obstacle.

The remaining Zephonim had been tending the pipes for many centuries. It was a job he undertook with loving care. Everything was oiled and rust spots were made artistically to look as natural as possible. He could have just left them to do it themselves, but that would have been easy, and he would have spent all this time very bored. He took great pride in their artistic perfection and the safety they afforded his lord. He patted the nearest one lovingly and hugged it.

Three block puzzles later, Raziel was getting perhaps more than a little fed up with them. He'd been back and forth around the Cathedral, he thought, pulling and pushing at blocks until his claws could take no more. He had taken some amusement from the large fans Zephon had installed, but after a while they made him dizzy and messed up his hair far too much for his liking. He whined, tragically, and went for what he hoped would be the last puzzle.

The Zephonim decided that as there was no sign of his master's sibling, he had obviously failed at the first puzzle as expected. He decided to go find some lunch.

Sneak. Sneak. Sneaksneak. Sneaksneaksneak. Stop. Wait. Pounce. Raziel landed heavily on the back of the Zephonim, rolled straight over him, and jumped upright, claws held high in front of him. He'd let this one live long enough to find out where Zephon was hiding - or how to solve the puzzle in the room nearby, whichever happened first.

The Zephonim snarled in anger at being jumped on and turned and spun round, his own claws at the ready.

Raziel lowered his stance and circled the Zephonim. "Either you tell me where Zephon is, or I'll have to give you a lengthy legal lecture concerning the Elder God's Marriage and Impalement scheme, until you crack and marry-" your cultivated rust patches? No, far too tempting "- your reflection."

"And how are you going to do that? I would never betray my master." The Zephonim looked defiant.

Raziel was taken aback, confused, hurt, and emotionally damaged. "I'll sing at you!" Raziel looked yet more defiant.

In the face of that amount of defiance and the threat of singing, the Zephonim cracked. "Okay, I'll talk. My master is right at the top the Cathedral, and you just need to push this pipe, so it falls on that one. Can I go now? I have rust that needs tending, please."

Raziel would have liked to have pouted, as he had done many years ago when he had the appropriate lips to do so. He liked singing. He sighed instead. "Alright, thanks." He said, drew the glowing, soggy excuse of the damp cardboard Reaver, and hit the Zephonim over the head with it as he made to run. He set to work on the pipes, and making his way to the top of the Cathedral.

Zephon was even less happy. Despite everything, he could feel Raziel getting closer. He cursed his minions and decided that if they weren't already dead, then he was going to kill them.

Raziel prepared himself for the worst, and stepped through the open double doors. The room seemed empty, but then Zephon had probably duct-taped himself into a corner somewhere. Unless he too had changed as Melchiah had done. An odd thought, Raziel decided. He didn't think Zephon would suit another body. Or maybe he just didn't need one - he was scary enough even as a somewhat scrawny vampire.

"His highness has come back." Came a high pitched, slightly excitable and sarcastic voice from somewhere near the ceiling. "It seems you have gone blue, you seem to have lost your trousers, and most of your waistline as well. That is very careless of you little Raziel. Not that it matters, you don't exactly have the legs for your trousers anymore." There was a vindictive edge to the voice too.

Raziel glared. "At least, brother, I did once have the legs for those trousers. You never did. Anyway, you dare criticise me with that voice? Did you swallow that cheese grater after I was thrown into the abyss?"

"If it was not for this voice I would be overwhelmingly intimidating, even for Kain. But I keep my voice like this as I would never betray my father, unlike someone I could mention."

Zephon paused for dramatic effect. "Do you not see the success of my years of experimenting." The voice became even more excitable. "I have become one with the building. I am like the spider in the web, only better. I am the web too. Cool huh? You never did anything that impressive." Zephon smirked, possibly. Raziel couldn't tell on that face. "I've even found that it is possible to be able to lay eggs and still feel like the epitome of masculinity."

Raziel cringed. "Zephon, please - too much information! Anyway, I have done far more impressive things than getting caught in drying concrete - I grew wings! I survived the Abyss and got a free t-shirt for doing so. I maintained my dashingly effeminate good looks for a thousand years without a single wrinkle. I won the first Nosgoth sports day sack race. And you, Zephon, are proud of finally attaching yourself to the inside of a building after all these years?"

"Did you notice the word 'effeminate' there? Whereas I have my roguish masculinity and I would still look good in trousers if they made them in my size. Anyway, enough of this." Zephon was aware that despite Raziel's self-confessed effeminate looks remark, he was still losing this argument. "You only won that race because you tied everyone else's legs together when they weren't looking. So, what do you want, and when are you going away again?"

"I'm here to kill you, and when you are dead, and I have stolen your wallet, and eaten that nasty little soul of yours and picked the tough bits from my teeth, I'll leave." Raziel folded his arms. "Is that very well with you?"

"And what in Nosgoth would you do with my wallet? You couldn't even carry it. I'm a lot bigger than you now, Brother. As are my finances. You can try to kill me, but I'll probably just eat you, come here crumb."

"Alright then, Mister I-lay-Eggs-and-Don't-Have-A-Problem-With-This-Because-I'm-So-Weird." Raziel said, and then decided that perhaps he wasn't so good at name-calling after all. "You can't intimidate me with rumours of your gargantuan wallet!" He charged forward and aimed a swipe at the nearest part of Zephon, which happened to be a leg.

Zephon raised one of his spider-like legs and poked Raziel in the back with it. "Father has a wallet more to your size you know. You don't have to feel inadequate to me, though it is perfectly natural."

Raziel frowned and stumbled forward. He spun around quickly and took another swipe at the attack- poking leg. "Be quiet, you. And I do not feel inadequate, Zephon, I feel liberated. Without my own finances, I do not have to concern myself with papers and forms and accounts, I am a free man, free to steal the wallets of other's, live recklessly day-to-day in a constant whirlwind of untaxed freedom. If the Elder God would only let me, anyway." He added, sadly.

"What do you intend to achieve with this whirlwind of financial freedom?" Zephon sneered. "You don't have a clue what your waist size is anymore." He winced slightly as Raziel caught one of his legs. He laid an egg and coughed. Embarrassed.

Raziel stopped in his tracks and stared at the egg. "That's disgusting. Do they hatch?" He looked up to were he supposed Zephon's face was, "Anyway, I can easily find out my waist size - someone is bound to have a tape measure."

"I know who does, but I'm not telling you." Zephon looked smug.

"Who?" Raziel demanded, and clawed at another leg.

"I'm not telling you!" Zephon pulled his leg back just out of Raziel's reach.

"Tell me!" He lashed out again.

"No. Never." Zephon sounded even more like a petulant child.

"I'll guess." Raziel threatened weakly. "It's Dumah, isn't it?"

"Hah! No! See, you're not that clever." Zephon shot out another leg catching Raziel across the shoulder. "Just like that stupid human over there that failed to kill me as well."

Raziel spun around to see the human laying face down by the doorway, ignoring the pain in his shoulder as best he could. "I'm sure Rahab would have things to say about your choice of rugs, Zephon." Raziel snarked, and ran to said corpse. He lifted the still flaming torch from its hands.

"It didn't help him. It won't help you either."

Raziel looked mildly disappointed. "Oh. In that case, if you tell me who has the tape measure, I'll leave you alone, and come back and kill you later when I have discovered how to do so."

"Why would I want to do that? If you can't kill me now then that gives me no incentive to tell you anything." Zephon glanced at his egg sitting over in the corner and idly wondered why it hadn't combusted yet. They normally did.

Raziel rolled his eyes. At least, he thought he would have liked to. "Alright, fine." He followed Zephon's gaze to the egg. An idea, a horrific, nasty, repulsive as Zephon himself, idea began to drift together like possessed puzzle pieces in the back of his mind.

Zephon glared at Raziel. He didn't like the look in Raziel's eyes. For two glowing sockets they could be quite expressive.

Raziel sneaked up to the egg, looked up at Zephon, and back at the egg. Then, quickly, he grabbed hold of it and scurried up to the top corner of the room, where he placed the egg on the floor and regarded it for a long while.

"What are you doing?" Zephon had expected to be the victor of a battle of epic proportions, not to sit waiting while his brother seemed to studying an embarrassing by-product of his body. Zephon thought he was supposed to be the gross one. How times had changed.

Raziel looked to Zephon again, and grinned somehow. Quite how he grinned without a lower jaw even he didn't know, but he did anyway. Not taking his glowing eyes from Zephon, he poked the egg with a stick, and said 'Cooooool'. Torturing his younger sibling was fun. Revenge was sweeter than he had imagined.

Zephon looked at Raziel with confusion. "Is that your great plan, you're going to mock me to death? Impressive, I hope you have a lot of patience."

Raziel growled. "If you'd just roll over and die you could save us both so much time and effort."

"Yes! I'm indestructible. I knew plastering myself to the ceiling was a good idea. Though there was a bit of a panic last week when the smoke alarms went off."

"Oh Zephon, grow up and stop being such a megalomaniac." Raziel grunted. "I'll go ask Rahab about the tape measure, at least he's a nice, sensible boy. Dad always used to say you should be more like Rahab..." With that and many other mumbled comments, he turned around and flung the torch over his shoulder.

The torch landed by the egg, which set alight and rolled to the base of Zephon's body where it exploded and sent Zephon up in flames. His last words were lost to the sound of flames roaring and smoke alarms going off. Silenced Cathedral had been a more poetic name rather than an accurate one.

Raziel turned where he stood in the doorway, feeling mildly surprised. Then he shrugged, and felt mildly sad and relieved at the passing of his brother, until his peckishness got the better of him.