Disclaimer #2: The annoying still-third-person author (thankfully for the characters) does not own LOTR.
A/N: The author received several requests to not only continue the story but to continue the third-person. So here goes. You asked for it. She also wishes to inform all who ask that she is an evil twisted person. This explains a lot. She says that she is delighted that she got so many reviews. She likes reviews very much, and has a special slash parody surprise for when she reaches the 50 mark. Speaking of, she is taking suggestions for future chapters. Any slash to make fun of is more than welcome. Currently, she's taking on the most prevalent ones, but those exhaust themselves pretty quickly.
Chapter 2: Merry and Pippin
Pippin was, as usual, hungry. He was currently raiding the kitchen at Great Smials wearing his cloak from Galadriel. This last was so his cook, who was usually a very understanding hobbit, wouldn't see him. She was only understanding until you tried to steal food she wanted for her midnight snack.
"Master Peregrin, is that you?" Pippin tried to sneak away. How was it that she always caught him? Always? He shoved a few extra rolls in his mouth and ducked as a rolling pin was swung at his head.
Pippin knew where he wasn't wanted. Grabbing a mushroom casserole on his way out, he ran out of the kitchen. And bumped into Merry.
"Pip, is that you?" asked Merry, unconsciously echoing the cook. Pippin took the cloak off to prove Merry right. "I told you already, that cloak only works outside, when you have rocks and trees and dirt and… and… and other things that are grey and green and brown. Not in here, where everything is honey-coloured and golden and yellow and the green of a new leaf."
Merry was so poetic. Pippin could feel his heart trembling with love.
The next minute, an invisible being was walloping him about the head.
"That isn't right!" it yelled, for some reason in italics and underlined. "You two are cousins! And anyway, the romance doesn't happen until a few hundred words in."
"Sorry," said Pippin. Merry gave him a funny look. It was at that moment that Pippin realised just how strange he must look, trying to fend off an invisible foe, apparently talking to thin air, and trying to keep six rolls in his mouth at the same time.. And, of course, it had to happen in front of the hobbit he loved.
"I'm warning you…"
His cousin, then.
Pippin ate the rolls during the very awkward, long silence. He might as well do something productive. And he liked rolls.
"When's dinner?" asked Merry. "I'm hungry."
Pippin was also hungry. For food! The author tells you to get your mind out of the gutter. Right now, he wanted nothing more than a mushroom stew, some devilled eggs, and three-quarters of a large perch with butter sauce. He also had a strange and unexplainable craving for anachronistic fried chicken, and very anachronistic Jell-o.
"In too long," said Pippin wistfully. He supposed they wouldn't be serving Jell-o, either. It was a shame.
"Good," said Merry, striking a seductive pose. Well, Pippin thought it was seductive, anyway. To normal hobbit eyes, it looked like a leg of chicken just waiting to be devoured. It reminded Pippin, however, of fried chicken. And that made all the difference.
Merry broke into the jackhammer-like noise of Pippin's stomach with the comment of, "I need to talk to you."
He took Pippin into the very nice guest bedroom that he was using at the moment. Pippin was extremely jealous of the guest bedrooms. They were bigger than his, and they had minibars.
Merry sat down on the bed. It looked a lot squishier than Pippin's, too. Life was unfair.
"Pippin, I think it's time to make an incestuous comment."
Pippin's hobbit-heart leaped with joy. He waited for his articulate cousin to say something.
And waited.
And waited.
Finally, Merry said, "Well? What about the incestuous comment? Seductive pose? Snack?"
"I thought you were making the incestuous comment," said Pippin, striking a seductive pose that resembled Jell-o if you squinted at it long enough.
"I told you to make the incestuous comment," said Merry, going over to the minibar and getting himself a boiled egg.
"Well, I can't think of one."
"Neither can I."
The author came over and whispered into Pippin's ear, just for the sake of the plot.
"An invisible being has just told me to say, 'We've always been cousins, Merry. Do you think we could be something more?'" commented Pippin.
Who said it had to be original?
"Good comment," said Merry.
Again, there was a huge kiss containing mouth-to-mouth regurgitation and other things you'd rather not know about, like True Love®. The author, however, learned from the problems with the trumpets last time and thoughtfully didn't include them.
She used tubas instead.
The tubas were rather large and unwieldy, especially considering it was a pair of hobbits they were attaching. Merry and Pippin, however, were at this point oblivious to any and all brass instruments. They were too busy torturing the bed and Tolkein.
They proceeded to make incest fans very happy, generally doing things that incest fans like to read about. Fill in the blanks.
"I love you, Pippin."
"I love you, Merry."
Actually, both statements sounded like they were talking underwater, but love breaks all language barriers, it is said. Or is it? It did in this case.
"Bloobl?" asked Merry.
"Blurrrb, b glb boolb," answered Pippin.
They made incest fans deliriously happy once more, and then dressed. Pippin tried to kiss Merry, but the tuba was in the way.
A knock came on the door. "Master Meriadoc? Dinner's ready."
Holding hands, they ran out of the room.
They hit a wall and dented the tubas.