Ok this was my first ever fanfiction and it was terrible but today (somewhen in July 2006) i have edited it. Thank you Cath by amazing beta (look at her stuff it's great!)
Disclaimer: no not me
Life's just one messed up play
An owl flying into the Great Hall each day wasn't an unusual sight at Hogwarts - in fact, it was quite beautiful, unless, of course, one of the owls dropped a 'present' on your head or you had a phobia of birds. But other than that, the Breakfast post was great!
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"Hey Pete what's that?" asked a caffeine high Sirius Black, snatching a booklet out of his friend's podgy hands from across the table, knocking over a milk jug in the process .
"Oh sugar!" he cursed, as milk spilt out onto the table and down the front of his trousers (causing many eyebrows to be raised later). At this, James Potter - a raven messy haired boy with glasses looked up from the crossword he had been doing in The Daily Prophet which he had been filling in with any Lily-Evans-related words. He reached out and emptied the contents of the nearest sugar bowl over his best friend's head.
"Hey! What was that for?" the boy asked. James shrugged innocently and went back to musing at his crossword.
"My hair, Prongs! My hair! RUINED!" Sirius said, suddenly grabbing a clump and starting to stroke it. "Don't worry hairy-wairy, your daddy won't let nasty James hurt you ever again."
"That's quite disturbing." James commented.
"God Potter, just because yours look it got on the wrong side of a fight with a Hippogriff doesn't mean we all have to suffer!"
After several more minuets of complaining loudly, Sirius went back to looking at the booklet he had stolen from Peter. The booklet he was surprised to learn hadn't covered in sugar, milk, salvia or any other substance.
"It's a play."
"Well done for stating the obvious," spoke up Remus Lupin.
"It's not Shakespeare is it?" Sirius said, suddenly holding it at arms length as though it might contaminate him.
"No, it's not Shakespeare"
"Hey, isn't he the guy who was a prostitute ?" asked James.
"Protestant, James . Honestly how can you get them mixed up?" He shook his head with disgrace
"Anyway Wormtail, what are you doing with a play?"
"Well," he started, looking down at his now cold toast. "My mum's playing the Pumpkin in this Panto thingy and she sent me the script—"
"SO WE COULD ACT IT OUT!" Sirius concluded.
"No Padfoot. NO WAY"
"Oh come on, Moony. Moony Moony Moonykins please?"
"Oh come on Remus, it'll be fun!" James said, jumping onto the table and neatly slipping on a plate of kippers, before the food magically vanished.
"No." He said curtly.
"Come on."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"No."
"Yes."
"Yes."
"HA!"
"Darn!"
"Ok, the play is called Cinderella."
Remus groaned as Sirius and James looked at each other blankly.
"It's a Muggle play." He explained
"It's not like those videos that your Dad keeps under his bed are they? 'Cause they were just dirty!"
Remus did a double take. "What?"
"Not that we were looking under your Dad's bed. Right Prongs?" he asked with a nudge and a wink.
Quickly, James said, "Anyway..."
Remus was sure that they were changing the subject.
"Who wants to be who?"
"There's a Handsome Prince," said Peter, rubbing his hands together and reminding James of Slughorn.
"And guess what, Pete my old friend, he's standing right next to you," said Sirius, flicking a strand of hair out of his eyes.
It took several moments for Peter to work out who Sirius had been referring to.
"But Frank Longbottom is standing at least three feet away, Sirius."
---
Meanwhile, Remus had managed to transfigure Sirius' robes in a pale blue tailcoat and puffy trousers.
"WOW!" the boy exclaimed, while doing a dance that involved thrusting the pelvic region around rather strangely.
"The main part is Cinderella."
"Bags on Cinderella 'cause I am the best actor here."
"More like best prat."
"Shut up Black, else I'll give you prat!" James said making several rude gestures.
"That's a nice way to treat a friend."
Remus changed James' clothes into a patchwork dress and a long blonde wig was suddenly perched on his head.
"Um… Guys ? You never told me Cinderella was a WOMAN!"
"God James it is a girl's name"
"Is it?" he asked.
"Do you know? spoke Sirius, who had finally managed to stop dancing - which was a shame because Peeves had just joined in. "If I had a son I'd call it Cinderella and it would look just like you, James "
"And we all know why that is," smiled James cockily while attempting to run a hand through his hair, only to find the wig in it's place. Sirius pouted but then erupted into laughter as James started trying to rip the wig from his head.
"You can't pull it off, Prongs," Remus noted with a smile.
"Oh really Moony! I would never have guessed. Why didn't you tell me before?"
"'Cause it's funny to see you rolling around on the floor trying to rip your hair out!"
"When you say it like that it sounds quite kinky."
"It doesn't," Sirius said - knowing all about kinkiness was a sixth sense to him.
"Ok…"
"So then, what about you two?" he said, gesturing at Remus and Peter.
He looked down at the list of names and smiled to himself as he raised his wand.
Both boys now sported matching small tops and also smaller skirts that looked more like belts, with bright pink heels and—
"Look! Bobbies!" shouted Sirius poking Peter in the chest.
Peter was blushing behind his brown bob wig and was fighting the temptation to wobble them around in what he thought was 'a lady like manner'.
Remus, on the other hand, had to sit down because he felt faint (and not to mention: off balance) causing a couple of boys to wolf whistle as his skirt rose up several more inches.
Oddly, Sirius thought that Remus' legs looked quite good in a skirt. He mentally kicked himself to thinking such thoughts.
"Ok, lets begin!" Sirius half shouted while trying to cleanse his mind, as he climbed onto the table, pulling Remus up as well.
James boosted Peter up and the shot a spell out of his wand. Golden ribbons flowed from in and twisted in the words:
' Messers Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would like to introduce to you: Cinderella"
Some of the younger years who had there homework spread out in front of the had actually stopped working - this was gonna be good
Even McGonagall was impressed with their Transfiguration.
---
"Oh why did mamma have to die? I told her time and time again not to turn her head into a food blender," said James, who after the first line had thrown the script away.
"She was a scrubber!" shouted a boy from the audience who must of been a Muggleborn.
"What!" Exclaimed the 'Woman' in question
"Her Stepmother made her do all the cleaning," Explained Remus, shaking his head.
James suddenly jumped off the table and walked along to where Lily Evans was sitting doing her homework.
She frowned as James bent down in front of her but continued with her work.
"Evans, will you..."
'Oh my god,' Lily said mentally. If this was another marriage proposal...t was embarrassing enough in second year.
"Be my Mother, that sounded rather odd," he commented
"ARRGH! POTTER! YOU ARROGANT LITTLE—"
"See how she treats me," James said, flicking pumkin juice in his eyes to make it look like he was crying, but instead, only made his eye sting
"IT BURNS! IT BURNS! I'M MELTING... MELTTTTTTTINGGGG!"
Lily then noticed that someone had changed her robes into a sweeping dress that was very low cut. She strode towards the Entrance Hall but the doors slammed in her face and wouldn't open.
"In case you haven't notice," she said turning and trying to keep her voice calm and even. "The doors are closed, they should be open."
"Come on Evans!" shouted Sirius
"Shut it Black! I'm Head Girl and I refuse to – to—" Stopping she noticed all the students were watching her and a few were cheering.
She slowly walked back to the Gryffindor table.
"Anyway, one day a letter arrive saying all the hot witches in England had been invited to a ball . A ball where Firewhiskey was free!"
"Sirius, stop this obsession now!"
"Sorry Moony, relapsed won't happen again."
"Daughters," said a very bored Lily . "We will go and snatch the 'charming'," she flinched, "Prince charming and you Cin—"
"Prongsiella."
"Will not go ha ha ha MUH HA HA HA HA HA HAR!"
Everyone was looking at Lily oddly.
"Sorry, got carried away..."
Remus wobbled on his heels as he walked to stand next to Lily.Peter seemed to be able to walk on his heels on the other hand quite easily.
"Where did you learn to walk like that?" Remus muttered in his ear.
Peter decided best not to answer.
"So the sisters and the demented—"
"Hey!"
"Stepmother departs for the ball, leaving poor old Prongsiella alone. But suddenly, with a flash of light…"
FLASH
"God Remus, you blinded me."
"No James I just took off your glasses."
"A fairy Godmother appeared."
"Hello... Fairy!" shouted Sirius.
No one moved.
"Sirius, we don't have a fairy," muttered Remus
At that moment, Severus Snape walked through the door, talking one look at the odd group of people.
"Cross dressing again are you, Potter?" he called with a sneer.
"Well, you'd know all about cross dressing wouldn't you, Snape?"
"Boys," McGonagall shouted from the staff table. "Carry on please. Mr Snape, stop being rude, Mr Potter is entertaining the younger years. In fact – yes, you can join them."
With that she waved her wand and Snape was wearing a glittery pink, frilly dress, with matching wings that flapped and made the boy hover a few inches off the ground.
"I am your fairy Godmother."
"More like Grand mother."
He picked up a pumpkin. "I will now turn this pumpkin into a coach for you." And he did, even though it just looked like an enlarged version of a vegetable than a mode of transport.
"And your dress."
James was now wearing a bright orange dress. In fact, it was so bright that most people had to cover their eyes.
"Be back by midnight." And half walking, half hovering, he managed to exit the hall.
Professor McGonagall didn't protest. "Well done, house unity." It was only afterwards that she thought she should have Transfigured him back first.
By this time Sirius-God-to-all-women-Black had made all the girls in the audience get up and start dancing, he was walking around smacking any bottom that took his fancy.
After a while of fantasising over a rather large behind, Sirius was brought to his senses by Remus who had somehow managed to hobble his way over to him and was slapping him around the face.
"Oy Sirius!"
"Sorry, what?"
"Dance with Prongs."
"Prongsiella," added Peter helpfully.
"Prongs! Come and dance. You know you want to really."
He took one of James' hands in his and they looked madly into each others eyes. Then suddenly, they both started head-banging. Then—
WACK!
That was the sound of their heads colliding as they both fell to the floor in a heap.
"Ow. Good job for this soft mat."
"Padfoot, that's my head," came James' muffle voice from under him. "Ok. Please tell me that breeze came from an open window..."
"Um..."
"Padfoot, I think you should get off Prongs now he's turning orange. No wait. That's his fake tan." Reluctantly, Sirius moved.
"I'll have you know that having a tan is very fashionable."
"It's only because he's a vampire and can't get a real tan," insisted Sirius.
"Shut up."
"Um.. boys?" drifted McGonagall's voice.
"OH SORRYMINNIE !" called Sirius "UM... I'LL MEET YOU IN THE PREFECTS BATHROOM LATER OK?"
Before she could say anything else, Sirius jumped back onto the table.
"Suddenly, the clock struck midnight."
He stopped.
"Struck midnight."
"Damn this watch is fast. Anyway, Prongsiella ran away!"
"Away? what about my free fir—"
"Away Prongs, AWAY!"
He slowly jogged across the hall in slow motion. Half way along, James stopped, took off one of his school shoes and threw it across the hall and continued to run in his socks.
It was only when he was near the end of the hall that he realised that this was a bad idea, because Filch the new caretaker had spent all night waxing the floor (and yes, Sirius had spent all night making jokes about how hairy the floor was). James slipped on his socked foot and landed face down on the floor.
"God this is so not my day." Sighed James, shaking his head.
"I am not touching his shoe!"
"Sirius, all yo—"
"I AM NOT TOUCHING IT!"
"But—"
"Germs Moony. I can see germs! It's moving! It's aliveeeee!"
"Fine, I give up."
"No, Moony wait. Look- I'm picking up the shoe - look."
"Sirius, were the oven mitts really necessary?"
"Yes the Germs, there's an army of Germ-mens's."
Remus shook his head, "You didn't think of germs when you were eating some girls face?"
"Yeah, well…So anyone want to try on the shoe? The one it fits will be my wife."
A couple of giggling girls cockily stepped forward. But instead, Sirius turned to—
"Ah, Evans."
"I don't want to marry you, Black. Anyway, if I did your fangirls would tear me limb from limb."
"Yeah well, what can I say? So, who wants to try on the shoe?"
"Don't look at us!" said Peter quickly.
"Prongsiella " Sirius stuffed the shoe onto James' foot.
"My love will you marry me?"
"Oh yes I will." And before James could say anything else, Sirius had jammed his mouth onto his.
"Mmffth rrriussss geoffthhh."
They broke apart. "Now for the wedding night," he panted.
"That's the end!" Remus shouted quickly before Sirius could do anything else that would scar him for life or get him expelled. He was sure starring involuntarily in a porn movie couldn't be a good thing to put on a CV.
---
"What do you mean you can't transfigure me back?" Remus shouted. "You did it to Peter, James—"
"Excuse me," said a tall Ravenclaw boy, tapping Remus. "You must be new . Care for a walk around the grounds?"
Before he could answer, he was dragged out of the hall. "You know that the beech tree is one of the most romantic spots in Hogwarts?"
--
"Oh wow!" Exclaimed of the seventh year girls to another. "James Potter and Sirius Black kissed. Was that hot or what? James is quite a dish, isn't he Lily?"
"Mmm," the said girl answered more to herself than to those that had spoken to her. "Yes, he is."
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Comments are welcomed please make me happy :D
Kerrie