Attack of the Zombies
"I don't like it, Ashley," Justin remarked, bringing his car to a stop by the rusted iron cemetery gate.
"Hmm?" Ashley asked, getting out with a bouquet of plastic flowers in hand. Justin got out after her.
"This. Sundown, Halloween night, a graveyard. Perfect setup for a cheesy Halloween story," Justin explained as a chill wind moaned ominously.
"Oh, please. How cliché. C'mon," Ashley scoffed. She pushed on the tall gate, which screeched open. "What could possibly happen?"
Abruptly, a bright flash accompanied by a resounding CRACK ZAP blinded them
"What was that?" Justin exclaimed when eerie silence once more claimed the cemetery.
Ashley shrugged. "I don't know. Let's just drop off these flowers."
With an uncertain look around, Justin reluctantly followed her down the path to the appropriate row.
"Here it is!" Ashley pushed the dead leaves away from the flat headstone.
"Great. Drop the flowers and let's—"
"RUN FOR YOUR LIVES," a strange voice shrieked in a panic. Justin and Ashley both looked and saw a lab-coated, stubby little man come tearing down the path, thick glasses seated awkwardly on his face and his bald head and face bright red. "Zee portals of hell have opened! Evil valks zee Earth!"
Ashley and Justin shared dumbfounded looks. "What'd ya think he means by that?" Ashley wondered aloud.
Justin's eyes traveled past Ashley and suddenly widened. "Maybe he raised the dead."
Ashley rolled her eyes. "Yeah, he raised the dead. Oh, like no one would see that coming." As she turned back to the grave, a rotten hand suddenly poked up through the ground, fingers wiggling! "And yet, it happens," she added wearily. At the next grave, another hand popped out, and then another and on down the row, hands and heads pushing up through the ground like so many grotesque, rotting flowers!
Justin screamed, Ashley groaned and they ran towards their car, a growing army of undead closing in on them from all sides, cutting off their escape route.
"Wait a second!" Ashley skidded to a halt, and turned to face the lurching, moaning horde. "I just have to ask," she announced to the corpses, "Why is it you're chasing us, exactly?"
The zombies faltered, the stopped and began casting uncertain glances at each other.
Justin stopped up ahead on the path and watched the situation with horror. "Ashley!"
Ashley turned and shrugged at him. "I have a right to know, don't I?"
Meanwhile, the puzzled zombies formed a huddle to debate their position. "Why are we chasing them?" one asked.
"Because we're zombies. It's what we do," a second zombie explained.
"Yeah. I think we're supposed to catch them or something," added another.
"Okay. But then what?" the first inquired again. That stumped the entire group.
"I think maybe we could…eat them," a zombie in the back of the huddle finally spoke up cautiously. The other zombies considered this for a moment, then they all uttered consent. They broke the huddle.
"We're—hey!" the lead zombie began and finished as Justin and Ashley's car squealed away from the cemetery.
"That was clever," Justin remarked with relief. "But now what?"
"Let's try the police," Ashley suggested, pointing to a nearby patrol car.
"Good idea!" Justin pulled the car over and got out. "Officer!" he called.
The portly policeman rolled down his window and shined his flashlight at Justin. "What?" he slurred, fumbling to pocket a conspicuous metal tankard in his pocket.
Justin eyed the officer with suspicion, but continued, "You have to go to the cemetery! There's—"
"Lemme guess…a horde of cannibalistic zombies is tryin' t'eat ev'rybody," the cop cut in drunkenly.
"Yeah. How'd you know?" Justin asked, genuinely surprised. Something moved in the back of the patrol car.
"C'mon, kid. S'Halloween. How stupid d'I look?"
The thing in back of the car sat up.
"A zombie!" Ashley shrieked.
"Nice try," the officer chuckled, pulling out his canteen. The zombie grabbed the officer and sucked out his brains before he could take a drink.
Ashley and Justin screamed.
Regaining her composure, Ashley developed a thoughtful expression. "How'd that zombie get all the way here from the cemetery so fast?"
"Because zis eez a cheesy horror story. Eet doesn't need continuity!" announced a familiar voice.
Justin and Ashley whirled around. "Hey! It's that weird scientist guy from the cemetery!" Justin exclaimed.
"I prefer zee title 'mad scientist,' if you please," the little man said with an air of importance.
"Then let me see your mad scientist license," the zombified police officer ordered from the car.
The little scientist grew nervous. "Uh, off course, officer! I haf my license right"—he reached into his coat pocket—"Here!" He whipped out a water bottle and squirted the zombie. "Run!" he squealed at Ashley and Justin. They all started running, the zombie behind them beginning to sizzle, smoke and melt in the water.
After a few steps, Ashley stopped. "Wait a minute. Vampires melt in water, not zombies."
Overhearing her, the zombie promptly stopped melting and turned on the car to chase them. "I'll eat your brains!" it threatened.
"They can't drive, either," Ashley added derisively. Moodily, the zombie turned off the car. By this time, the zombies in the cemetery had reached a consensus on what to do and were advancing up the street, moaning, "Brains! We want brains!"
"What were you doing in the cemetery, Professor?" Justin asked
"Uh, Less talk, more rrrun!" the scientist snapped.
"Why aren't we taking your car?" Ashley asked Justin when she caught up to him.
"Because it's scarier if we have to run!"
Ashley and Justin followed the mad scientist to an abandoned warehouse and locked themselves in. To the teens' surprise, the warehouse was actually a really cool laboratory filled with complicated-looking machines and something that periodically emitted a bolt of electricity.
"Hey, this looks like the set of that movie, Frankenstein!" Justin remarked as the scientist locked them all in.
"Vhat, you think I vent to Universal peek-tures and stole all theez equipment out off storage, loaded it onto several pickup trucks and moved it here under zee cover of darkness? How absurd!" the scientist exclaimed with a suspiciously self-conscious laugh and shifty-eyed look around.
Justin blinked. "I never said that."
"Oh, then…" the scientist cleared his throat and laughed again with relief. "Never mind."
"Where are we, then?" Justin asked.
"My laboratory, vere I've spent years trying to earn my mad scientist license."
"How?" Ashley asked.
"Vell, I started out using vivisection on animals in an attempt to shape zem into humans, but zat fell through because it's only legal on certain islands in the middle off zee ocean. Next, I tried to conquer death by building a living person out of cadavers, but these stupid pilfered machines—did I say, 'pilfered'? I meant, 'properly bought and paid for' machines wouldn't work. All those things had been done before, anyway. So zen I came up vith a truly original idea: raising the dead!"
"That's not original," Ashley protested.
"Vell, all de good ideas haf been done already!" the scientist snapped defensively.
"So this is your fault!" Justin exclaimed.
"Not entirely! I only intended to raise one body! But zee annular confinement beam vas too wide and disrupted za nezervorld energy barrier, and zee parameters became unrestricted, zus causing our current predicament. I vos a victim of circumstance!"
"Huh?" the two befuddled teens wondered in unison.
"Yes, okay, I admit it, I accidentally created zee army of undead that is bashing down zee door."
BAM, BAM, BAM, went the door.
Justin and Ashley screamed. "What do we do now?" Justin whimpered.
"Turn zee lights off! Zey are attracted to light!" the scientist decided, plunging the room into darkness. The pounding immediately stopped.
"It worked!" Justin whispered excitedly.
"But it shouldn't have," Ashley disagreed, "Zombies like the dark. They're afraid of light." The pounding resumed with new vigor. The scientist glared at Ashley.
"Who eez zee mad scientist here, me or you?"
"They're breaking through!" Justin squealed.
"I haf a plan! You two keep de zombies busy, I'll be right beck!" the scientist suddenly announced with conviction, scurrying off. Just then, the large door was pushed off of its hinges and the zombies began lurching into the laboratory.
"Keep them busy? How?" a petrified Justin demanded, attempting to climb a nearby apparatus for safety.
"Any vay you can!" the scientist answered unhelpfully.
Desperate, Justin grabbed an aerosol can of bug spray from atop a machine and menaced the zombies with it. Ashley dug through her purse, producing only a bottle of astringent and her make up compact. She looked up at the approaching horde.
"Uh…look at that sagging, um, rotting skin you have there. Astringent?" she meekly offered the nearest zombie.
The zombie took the bottle from her and read the label. "Is it alcohol free?" it rasped.
As Ashley fumbled for an answer, the zombies backed her and Justin into the wall. "Where is that weird scientist?" Justin demanded with a touch of anger. "Off robbing the MGM studios, now?"
Ding!
They turned their heads to see the scientist remove a pastry from a corner microwave.
"What are you doing?" Ashley demanded.
"Getting a snack, vhat's it look like?" the scientist responded innocently.
"What about the zombies?" Justin asked, voice cracking.
"Oh, right! The zombies!" The scientist smacked his forehead, put the pastry back in the microwave and turned it on. As soon as it started to run, he pulled the door open. Waves of radiation spread through the room, vaporizing the zombies on contact!
"Great idea, professor! The radiation from the microwave destroyed the zombies!" Justin exclaimed with relief.
"Yes, but it burned my dessert," the scientist added, handling the charred pastry. They all had a good laugh. Ashley sobered quickly, adopting a thoughtful look.
"Just a moment, though. Microwaves don't—"
"Yes, they do!" Justin interrupted, and shut her up with a big, theatrical kiss.
THE END (?)