Title: Much Ado About Moose
Rating: PG
Category: humor, J/D
Words: 1410
Notes:
Written for the Donna ficathon, with the requirement that it be J/D
and involve moose.
After all her years as working as deputy deputy chief of staff, you would assume that Donna Moss would have acclimated herself to the variety of demands the job would make on her abilities, free time, and ability to keep a straight face; yet here was another challenge for her.
"Donna, have you ever seen a moose?" Josh asked, apropos of nothing.
"A moose?"
"A moose. A real, live, moose. Not on TV or anything."
Donna blinked, and thought about it. "You know, no, Josh. No, I haven't. But there are a lot of things I've never seen, and moose just never made the priority list for me."
"They don't have moose in Wisconsin?"
"Well, maybe in a zoo... but no, Josh, moose are not native to Wisconsin. It's not that far north."
"Hm," he said in that way of his, the one that meant he was aware you had spoken, but was not necessarily listening to you.
"Josh, what brought up this moose thing? And don't you have more important things to worry about? Like... running the government?"
But Josh continued, unconcerned. "Did you know that the moose is the state animal of Maine?"
Donna had given up on getting any work done today, at least not until Josh had finished with this moose thing. "No, Josh, I didn't. You know, isn't it usually the President's job to dispense such trivia?"
He sighed. "Uh, remember how you were saying you wanted to travel more? And take on more responsibility?"
"I stopped saying things like that after you sent me to North Dakota."
"Ah. Right. Well."
"Josh! What did you volunteer me to do?"
"The President may or may not have made some remarks about the moose that offended the good people of Maine. As a sign of goodwill, you're going to a moose festival in Augusta, to represent the White House."
"What? What possible relevance could the White House have at a moose festival? What even happens at a moose festival? Josh!"
"It'll be fun. You could... talk about Teddy Roosevelt."
"Jo-osh!" Only Donna could make his name into two syllables.
"Look, Donna... the President made some comment about accidentally hitting a moose with his car, back when he was governor of New Hampshire. He called them 'nuisances' and, well, moose hunting and wildlife tourism is big in Maine. They asked for an apology."
"This is just like that green bean thing!"
"And aren't you glad you get to go to a moose festival instead of a green bean festival?"
Donna sighed, resigned to her fate. "When do I leave?"
-------
"... and those characteristics of the moose, as President Roosevelt recognized, should be embraced by each of us, and indeed by our nation. Thank you all again for inviting me! It's been an honor to represent the White House at this... incredible... gathering. Have a good night, everybody!"
Donna's smile had been plastered on her face all day, although she had honestly enjoyed the festival more than she had expected. Not that she would tell Josh that, of course. Still... there was just something so weirdly heartwarming about all of these people, gathered here for their love of the moose.
A very midwestern-looking woman was pushing her way through the crowd. "Hello, Ms. Moss, I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed your speech. It's nice to see someone from the White House who understands the beauty of the noble moose."
"Oh! Thank you so much!" She wondered if she should tell the woman she'd never seen a live moose before. She wondered if she should tell the woman she'd once been given moose meat. No, that second one was probably bad-- if the woman wasn't offended that Donna had had moose meat, even if she hadn't eaten it (she wasn't sure whether these people were pro- or anti-moose consumption, and she did not particularly want to guess incorrectly), then she surely wouldn't approve of its having been Finnish, not American.
She decided to go with her first option.
"You know," she said, confidentially, "I had never seen a real moose before today."
"Really! You don't say?"
"Nope. I'm from Wisconsin, and we just don't have them there."
The woman actually gasped. "Heavens! No moose in Wisconsin? You must just not have been looking very hard."
This was not the reaction Donna had been hoping for. "I'm sorry?" was all she could think to say.
"Oh, I'm from Wisconsin too, but there are moose."
"Really?" Donna asked in a small voice.
"I don't blame you for never having seen one, of course," she replied, in a tone that clearly let Donna know that she was being blamed for never having seen a moose, "the state population is estimated at between 20 and 40."
"Between 20 and 40? In the whole state?"
"Well, moose used to be plentiful in Wisconsin, but overhunting led to them being considered extirpated-- no longer found in-- the state. And then some started to migrate back from Michigan."
"Well... that's great," Donna said. "Maybe I'll see one next time I'm home!"
"Not likely, dear," the woman replied. "But good luck!"
"Yes. Well. You know, it was very... informative, talking with you, but I have a plane to catch. Have a good evening!"
"Goodbye!" the woman called after Donna's hastily retreating form.
"They really don't pay me enough for this," Donna mumbled to herself as she made her way back to her rental car.
-------
From her terminal at Ronald Reagan airport, she picked up her ubiquitous cellphone and called Josh. "Josh? It's me. I'm back. Do you need anything?"
"Uh... yeah, why don't you get down here, actually? It's just a little thing, but it should get done tonight."
She sighed. "Okay, I'll see you in a bit."
As she hailed to a taxi, she mumbled darkly to herself, "A day full of moose, and now it's 10 PM and he wants me to come back to the office. I really don't get paid enough. And now I'm talking to myself. Great."
And she walked into his office, fully expecting the worst, and instead, she saw... "Josh? Is that chocolate mousse?"
She blinked.
He grinned.
"Yeah... I just thought, you know... moose, mousse... get it?"
And despite herself, she laughed. "Well, that's very sweet of you."
"I just wanted to say... thanks, Donna. I know you didn't really want to go to that moose thing... but it really was kind of important..."
"You know, it really wasn't that bad. Did you know that the moose is the largest member of the deer family?"
"I did not. Have a seat, Donna, you've earned a little break."
"I like the way you think. Wow, you even got the little flute-things... this is so classy. You didn't make this, did you?"
The sheepish look on his face was all she needed. "You got this from the mess?"
"Um. The deli from the grocery store a few blocks away. But... I'm the one who scooped it out of the container and into the glasses," he said proudly.
"Yes, and a very good job you did with that."
"Well, actually, Margaret helped."
"Oh. Well... it takes a strong man to know when he needs help, right?"
Josh decided not to tell her that Margaret had actually forcibly taken the container of mousse away from him, citing concerns for the future of the carpet.
"Right."
And as they ate their store-bought chocolate mousse, Donna regaled Josh with moose-related facts, and remembered why she had never gotten around to complaining about her salary.
-------
Donna hummed to herself as she poured her first cup of coffee. It was looking to be a moose-free day here in the White House, and she couldn't have been happier.
But alas, it was not to be.
CJ, looking harried but beautiful, per usual, walked up to Donna with a tense expression on her face. "Hey Donna? Did you happen to say anything yesterday that you maybe wanted to tell me about?"
"I don't think so... why?"
CJ sighed, and handed her a newspaper. "Page 3 of the Post." Donna scanned the paper.
"Oh, for heaven's sake." She didn't know whether to laugh or to cry, and so, as she always did in such situations, went with the former.
There, in black and white, was the headline "White House Staffer Ignorant of Local Wildlife."
Josh would never let her live this down.
--fin
Moose facts from http/ and http/