Chapter Eight:
See My Pain...
Severus was drowning in his misguided rage, his deep sense of loss that only seemed to reimburse itself whenever Aleasia strode into the room. How foolish she had been, allowing Malfoy to take things so far that night in the run down inn! How careless of her to misjudge the amount of veritaserum she had slipped into his drink!
And how brave she had been, stepping once more into the direct line of fire, doing all she could for the cause without fear for herself.
The thought had come on suddenly, intruding upon his mind without his consent. He chased it with another tumbler of whiskey. He cursed himself for his unprecedented lack of control whenever Aleasia was involved. He loathed himself for allowing his feelings for her to color all the deceitful, empty things he now knew she was.
When she had called for him outside the hotel room, he had nearly died with the fear for her, had almost broke with the strong desire to protect her, to throw himself between whatever blow was headed her way. And when he saw Lucius lying so intimately atop her, he had so readily replaced Lucius with himself in his mind. But he turned and found her fastening the bodice of her gown over the hint of unblemished breast he had been allowed to glimpse; he had been filled with such jealousy, such anger that she had let things go too far. So upset that anyone but he should be privileged to that sight, that touch.
If he was honest with himself, he had not asked Dumbledore to be allowed to tail Aleasia that night to spite her. He had asked because he was worried for her. It had been so many years that she had been out of the game, unused to the palpable threat of danger that had once curtailed her entire life. At one time, they had often done such work together. She would manipulate, spy on known death eaters, where they lived, what they did, where they went. She had been the lead always in these excursions, for his spy role did not permit him much leeway to be caught in such circumstances. But always he would follow her; he would listen and watch her progress with an unfalteringly watchful eye, ready to give his life to protect her at a moments notice.
He had thought that his anger, his bitterness towards her would have prevented such feelings from recurring but it hadn't. He despised her all the more for that fact.
They could not report much to the Order at the next meeting other then what they had known all along, only the locations of which Voldemort suspected the amulet to be hidden. Members of the Order were dispensed immediately to trail the footsteps of the death eaters the dark lord had sent to investigate said sites. It was their hope to find the artifact first, and if they could not, then to be there when the other team did so to steal it from their own hands.
The days grew shorter as the wind blew colder. Fall setting its hand and bowing to the white of winter. Classes had dwindled, giving way to the much anticipated holiday break. The students emptied from the school, returning home to spend the yuletide with their families and friends. Only a few remained rather for circumstances such as Harry's, or by choice such as Hermione and Ron.
For Aleasia, this meant that she would be free to spend more time with her daughter. It was a slight ray of light that peeked through the thick, dark clouds of winter. They had not been able to meet much outside of class, it would have been far too suspicious when they had supposedly only just met on the carriage ride to Hogwarts. Not only that, but the business for the Order had claimed far too much of Aleasia's time, Malyia's school work claiming far too much of her own.
So it was that they sat down for dinner together in the coziness of Aleasia's quarters not three days after classes had let out. She had spent the day with her daughter, inquiring how her classes had been going, admonishing her for the low grade she had received on a Transfiguration paper she had heard about from Minerva, and testing what her daughter had learned by challenging her to a duel. It was all done amidst much laughter and merriment.
"You actually cooked?" Malyia asked as she emerged from the lavatory having just relished in a bath that she now knew as a luxury having lived in Gryffindor towers for so long now.
Aleasia tossed her a saucy smile over her shoulder, gathering a couple plates and bringing them over to the table. "Would you believe me if I said 'yes'?"
"No." Malyia reached out a hand to pick a slice of fresh bread out of the basket sitting in the middle of the table and popping a piece into her mouth. "Probably you just flooed down to the kitchens." She took another bite, nodding her head in the process. "Yeah, there's no way you could have made something this good."
Her mother retaliated by throwing a cloth napkin in her face. "Hey!"
They tucked themselves into the table, settling down for the meal that had indeed been made by the caring hands of the house elves, their joking set aside for the moment. Malyia had never been to a boarding school before; she had never known what it was like to live away from her mother for such long periods
"I thought perhaps we could invite your friends to join us on Christmas. It would give them a bit of time. Always she was home before dinner, and Aleasia had always cherished the evenings when her daughter would aid her in the kitchen, usually just setting the table and transferring the contents from the take-out bags onto plates and into bowls. Then they would sit together at the table, just as they were doing now, and share the little, unimportant details that constructed their day and trade hilarious stories about people they had witnessed. They had both missed those nights far more than either of them had realized.
"I thought perhaps we could invite your friends to join us on Christmas. It would give them a little more intimate holiday."
Malyia looked up from the steaming bowl of beef stew that had been set in front of her, surprised that her mother would suggest such a thing given their current circumstances. "Wouldn't that look suspicious?"
"Maybe not. The staff all knows of my training sessions with Harry and the extra time I have been spending with Ron and Hermione. They won't give it much thought that I would extend such an offer."
"Then yeah, I think that would be great!" She offered her mother a vibrant smile, once more reminded of what a blessing this move to England had actually been for more then just the incredible new friends she had made.
Aleasia studied the hidden thoughts that lurked behind her daughter's eyes, recognizing the soft gleam in their onyx depths for exactly what it was.
"Have you forgiven me yet for moving you here?"
"Have you forgiven me yet for moving you here?" Aleasia asked as though she had been wholly aware of Malyia's train of thought all this time.
"Of course I have. In fact..." Malyia shrugged her shoulder's, struggling to find the right words to say to express to her mother the joy she felt at finally claiming a place in her mother's old home, the home she herself always should have had. "I am just really happy here. Getting to know all the people you used to tell me about when I was growing up. They may not know that I'm your daughter, but it still feels like I'm being surrounded by family. The closest thing to a family we have at least."
Aleasia noticed the way her daughter's voice had faltered at the end of her answer, the way her eyes had suddenly shifted back to her bowl, her brow furrowed in thought. She set down her own spoon, reaching for Malyia's hand across the table. "What are you thinking?"
"Just...I don't know. I asked you about my father before we left the states and I just wondered--"
Aleasia shook her head, interrupting her daughter with sharp words spoken in mounting anger.Aleasia stood from the table quickly, turning her back to her daughter and carrying her bowl to the sink. Her actions were distinctly angry. "Malyia, don't!" She pushed herself away from the table, throwing her napkin down atop her plate and moving away from the face that she knew would only look upon her with insistent questions written upon the smooth skin.
Only Malyia had been struggling with her emotions ever since they had come to Hogwarts. She was happy here, truly she was, but being around all those who had played prominent roles in her mother's past was like a constant reminder that she had never been allowed the chance to get to know them when she was younger. She had never been allowed to get to know her father. Her anger quickly forced its way to the surface. She abandoned her own seat, her arm reaching out to keep her mother from walking away.
But Malyia's temper was just as fierce as her mother's and her own anger was quickly making its way to the surface. "Why not?" She demanded, her voice rising to a shout that was dripping with long suppressed pain. " Every time I mention this you get this way! All...silent and upset! I don't know why you and my father didn't stay together, but if this is all about some bitterly harbored feelings you still have for him, then it's really selfish of you to not tell me about him, to not let me see him!"
Aleasia turned swiftly back towards her daughter, beyond was furious at theher daughter's behavior. The disrespect and accusation that so blatantly lied beneath her daughter's was blatant in her raised voice. How dare she act so ungrateful, so bitter towards her! All these years she had done nothing but sacrificeShe had sacrificed her own happiness, her own dreams to better Malyia's her daughter's life, to keep her out of harms way. All of . She had done all this, she had done without even the faintest hint of regret! Now here she was, tossed back into the home she had once known where everything was so much the same as she had left it and so obviously different. It felt as though every corner she rounded, every room she strode into there was a shadow that followed her, whispering temptations and false promises of a life she wanted desperately but would never be able to claim. Now she had been tossed back into these familiar halls, forced to see Severus every goddamned day, her heart breaking all over again, and this is how her daughter thanked her!
SoBefore she walked now, blind in all her aching fury,could even process her own intent, she stalked towards her daughter with determination in every step. She could not process her intent, could not thoroughly think through her actions that were solely driven by, raising a pain that had not been caused by Malyia. She raised her hand when she was but a step away from her daughter, crashing her open palm down againstand slapping her across the side of her face.
Malyia gasped in both shock and pain, bringing a hand to cradle the cheek her mother had struck. There was no trace of her anger left, only a deep sense of hurt and remorse.
"You've never hit me before." She whispered, a beginning wetness evident behind her trembling words.
Aleasia let out a long breath, combing a hand through her hair and turning her back to hide her tears from Malyia so as to hide her tears.Malyia's eyes. "No, and I never will again. I'm sorry."
Malyia came around her mother slowly, half afraid she would be struckstuck again if she made any sudden movements. But then , but when she saw her mother crying, watched her shoulders shake with unrestrained emotion, and her fear dissipated. She came close enough She reached out two arms to reach two arms wrap around her mother's waist, resting her head in the crook of her mother's neck. "I'm so sorry. I never should have yelled at you like that, you didn't deserve it."
Aleasia returned her daughter's embrace, guiding her over to the sofa where they could sit to calm their tempers without once releasing her hold. Many minutes passed, seated together on that sofa, when they were content to simply holdholding each other in front of a blazing fire, allowing all the words, all the declarations they might have said in the throes of anger to drift back into the deep crevices of their minds, far enough away to not fear their escape. When their tears showed no signs of wanting to dry up they only clung tighter to one another, seeking comfort. Aleasia reached a hand out to smooth across her daughter's back. Their tears showed no signs of wanting to dry so they only clung tighter to one another for comfort. She brushed a hand through Malyia's dark hair, hoping to soothe away the pain.
"You have seen him, haven't you? My father I mean, you've seen him since we've come back here."
Aleasia's hand stilled asin the silence was so recklessly obliterated intolocks of her daughter's hair, resuming the past. She hesitated, warily contemplating what answerslow movements after a moment's hesitation when she could give her daughtercontemplated how to answer.
"Why do you ask me this?"
Malyia pulled gently out of her mother's arms, looking up intorepositioning herself on the couch so that she could look her face without pretending subtlety.mother in the eye. "I've asked you about him ever since I was a little girl. You would never tell me anything about him, but neither did you ever show such anger when I mentioned him, like you did tonight."
Aleasia was silent a minute, tossing her daughter's words back and fourth in her mind and wondering why she had never realized how deep was her pain when it came to her father, or how by keeping her silence she had only added to it. "Yes, love. I have seen him."
But no more was said that night.
She could not sleep. Since she had come back to these corridors, haunted with memories long since screaming their constant presence in every corner Aleasia passed, she had not been able to sleep through the night. Not with Severus sleeping in his own chambers just two floors below her. But now that her daughter had confronted her, had so unknowingly revealed the extent of pain she was in, Aleasia could not sleep at all.
She had caused her daughter this pain. She had torn her away from any chance of having a father when she left Severus all those years ago. But she was forced to, she had to in order to keep her safe. Why did this knowledge, this reassurance that she had done the right thing to protect her daughter, not bring her any peace?
She should have at least answered her daughter's questions when she came to her, eagerly wanting to know about her father. She should have voiced her thoughts then, on those occasions when , every time the light would hit her daughter's face, just so, and revealrevealed the shadows that were so familiarly Severus. She should have said, every time when Malyia's her daughter's dry, sarcastic humor came to play how alike her father was in that regard.so replicated Severus' own. She should have told her daughter these things, so at least she could have built an image of her father in her mind, to cherish and holdeven when she could not wrap her arms aroundcherish the real person.
But she hadn't and her silence had only caused her daughter's daughter more pain to spread its roots, to furrow more deeply.
Gods, she was a failure. She had failed when she had left Severus, creeping from his bed not three hours after they had made passionate love, an act of farewell that was significant to her not daring to tell him of her pregnancy, to warn him of her departure whether he knew so at the time or not. She had failed by not daring to tell him of her pregnancy, to warn him of her leaving. But then he would only have soothed her with his words, lulled her into conceding back into his arms by promising her they would find another solution. And she would have believed him, when he stood so near, looked upon her with eyes that ran deep wells of love, she would have believed anything he might have tried to say. And stop her, and she could not so endanger his life that way. Could not endanger her child's. There was no other solution to be had, she had thought too hard and too long on it all. If there had been another that way out, she would have already stumbled upon it.
And now. Now she was failing again. For she had failed her daughter whenas a mother. When she had moved Malyia around, flitting from here to there, never staying long enough in any one place to be able to establish a stable life. Not allowing her daughter time enough to make close friends, to know a childhood carefree of such lonesomeness she was now sure her daughter had felt, despite all her hope that just being with her mother would be was enough to fill such burdensome voids.
Now she was failing again. Unable to rectify this situation for her daughter, for herself. Unable to just turn to Severus, to tell him what had happened all those years ago, to make him understand. Was it pride that stood in her way, was it the deep throbbing pain?
If she were indeed so shallow as that then she would now have to come to terms with despising herself.
Aleasia threw the covers from her body, not even pausing to throw a robe over her nightgown before she walked out of her apartments, making her slow way to the dungeons. She thought briefly of easing her needs in the infirmary, but Pompfrey would only beg to know what troubled her enough to cause her lack of sleep, and she did not think that she was in any state to be able to deflect such questions effectively.
So she made the familiar passage to Severus' private laboratory, figuring she could at least spend her night brewing a potion that would help aid her tomorrow night if she could not find anything to aid her tonight. It was better than, then lying fitfully in a pile of blankets for the remaining hours of the night, the clock at her bedside that would only serving to remind her of the sleep she was not getting now. She thought it would be a slim chance indeed to come across Severus in the lab, so late in the night.
But she had failed to anticipate that Severus might still be awake, still holed up within the brisk cold that ever lingered in the basement walls of his labHow wrong she was.
She had just pushed throughspelled open the thick granite doors ofto come into the dark lab when her eyes caught sight of a lone figure huddled near the low glow of a lone candle.burning light coming from the furthest corner of the room. Gods, he was there, he . This was actually there. It was just as well, hell, the way her night had been going she should have known he would be here. It was the only other thingall she needed to make her night complete. She supposed it was too late to turn around, hoping he had not seen her when she found his eyes already marking her presence, sweeping her body in an assessing glance.
Finding that he had already marked her presence, his eyes busily assessing her in a sweeping gaze that took in every inch of her person despite the dark of the night, she supposed it was too late to turn around and hope he hadn't seen her.
She looked down upon herself, wondering what it was that had held his gaze so long. Only , only now remembering that she had failed to change before she left her rooms. She was stillthe lack of clothes she was currently wearing her. Her nightgown made ofwas long black silk, trimmed with lace that lay teasingly across the top swells of her breast and the tracing the seams of the front slit that opened widely in the front to reveal the her long lengths of leg beneath.
. As though she were not vulnerable enough in his presence...
"I hope this is not a pathetic attempt to seduce me. I'm afraid you have long since lost that ability." Reached his cold voice, breeching the distance between them and sending shivers down the warmth of her flesh.
Aleasia battled down the anger, recognizing that she did not have the strength to argue with him in her weak, sleep deprived state. So she said nothing, only wrappedShe wrapper her arms around her bodyself in a poor attempt to shield herself from his view. A sound spilled from the back of his throat, somewhere between a laugh and a grunt.
"I have seen it all before, Aleasia."
"Not for a long time you haven't. Things are different now."
"I've noticed." Of all the things he could have said, this dry remark issued from his mouth in sarcastic ferocity had the effect to call to the surface the deep wells of longing that had been lurking behind her cool facade all these past long weeks.
She battled that down too.
She walked forward, slowly, as though she were a mouth able to debatedebating the wisdom of coming too to near the flame.fire. "I did not think you would be down here so late."
"Indeed?" How easily he could mold his face into looking calm, as though her presence had no effect on him one way or the other. How damned she was that she could no longer reach behind the mask. " Then, prey tell, why are you here?"
"I...needed a potion."
"There are innumerable, stocked in the infirmary. Surely you could find something there?"
"I thought to brew it myself." She steppedwalked ever nearer, her answers only a quiet toss of words, picked carefully amidst a field of sharp knives so as careful enough not to avoid invokinginvoke a sharp duel of cutting remarks. She would die if she lost any more blood this night.
She stepped into the dim light and Severus could not stem the concern that arose within him at the sight of her pale skin and faded eyes. The question fell from his lips before he was able to push it aside. "Are you ill?"
He stood from his seat in a quick gesture born of a need to assurewanting to ensure himself of her health, but he halted his progress before he could take another step towards her, reminding himself that he no longer cared for her as he once did. It was not his job to cure her sickness anymore.
She gave forth a hollow laugh that seemed to him to be tinged with bitterness on the edges. "No, just tired."
They were silent a minute, their eyes locked in a gaze that might have said much if they had both not been too stubborn to read it. She pulled hers away first, glancing at the worktable for the first time and noticing the piles of parchment that littered its surface, a bold, hurried scrawl filling every inch of space the quill could find. She stepped closer unconsciously, her interest intrigued as she recognized the writing for what it was; many years of research and theories that Severus had developed. He must have been reviewing them tonight, hoping to inspire new ideas that he could test in the lab. Ever searching for the answers to the riddles.
She bent over the table, her golden curls falling to veil one side of her face as she reached her hands out to caress the pages, her fingers tracing his familiar script. Her eyes drank in the words, the formulas with a thirst she had not felt in years...fifteen to be exact.
All the while was she watched. Severus observed her every motion, her every expression as they fluttered across her lovely face, brows furrowed in thought. He did not know why he could not rekindle his anger at this very moment, why he could not move to toss her out of his laboratory, stop her from reading his work as he should do.
She looked up sharply, a question to be found in her glittering eyes. "This is...but this is the same theory we had written before I--" She broke off, suddenly, lest she needlessly remind them both of all she had left behind, all she had ruined when she had left those many seasons ago. "...Surely it could not have been so close to the answer as to still serve your work as a guideline?"
He nodded briefly. "There are many flaws still that I have not worked out, but the base has served me well." He moved to reclaim his stool, folding himself into the table once more and shifting his work as though to continue. She had always motivated him, always inspired him to reach his potential. Her mere presence now was encouraging him to rearrange formulas and alter measurements and orders of ingredients. He eager to continue his work.
He knew well when she settled down beside him, reaching for his notes and reading them, taking each particle of information in with the interest of the potions mistress she was and, with the intensity of the scholar she was. "Lycanthropy...to think you could be so close to a cure...and at such an opportune time, it could--"
"Shift the war. I know, but I feel I am no where close enough to develop it in time."
Minutes passed, no hours. They sat side by side, Severus with opened texts lying across his lap, atop the table before him, searching for something new that he could use. Aleasia with her mind buried in the dissection of his notes, his research already done. He felt a thrill of excitement when she reached for a spare length of parchment, dipping his quill in the ink well and scribbling her own notes and questions down as she read.
How many nights had they spent like this when they were yet together? How many theories they had tested, brewing potions that would require one or both of their presence for hours on end while they waited to see how each ingredient would interact with the other, what time intervals were correct and which had to be altered. How many times had they turned to each other with triumphant smiles when they had succeeded, sweat filming their brows, stripped down to a bare minimal of clothing having stood in the rapidly heating lab for sotheir robes draped over long since used stools? How many times had he reached for her at such times, celebrated by caging her against a wall or sitting her atop a table and moving between her legs, making love to her, wanting to share the joy she added to the sense of accomplishment that was already there.
He felt his body stir with the memories and with them, he was finally able to feel the raging tendrils of anger. He slapped the book he had been holding down atop the counter, causing Aleasia to jump beside him, the quill falling from her fingers in surprise. "Severus--"
"Get out." He whispered, his voice trembling with emotions he did not care for her to hear.
"But I--"
"Get out. You do not belong here anymore."
Aleasia closed her eyes for a moment, wanting to deny the tears that his words had so quickly brought to the surface. Without much thought, she reached across to slide a finger along his strong cheek, wanting to erase the tight lines of rage that now etched across his face.
Feeling her cool touch trace against his skin, he He stood in such haste a swift, sudden movement that the stool cluttered to the ground behind him. He would do anything, run any length of distance to escape the feel of her. He swiftly clasped a tight hand around her wrist, yanking her to her feet, wanting to push her away from him, out of his sight, his reach. But she had already anticipated his move, had already known that he would start fighting against the feelings she was stirring deep inside his heart. She flung herself against him before he could guess her intentions, and he felt her lips pressing against his own.
But AleasiaHe groaned with the want, the need of her. His mind was tired, so very tired of it all. Of havingscreaming for him to wake up everyday feeling this burdened, this heartbroken, havingpull away from her, to suppress every urge that sprang withintoss her at the sightout of this darkly handsome man. Attempting to hide the smiles his quiet, sarcastic wit inspired. Unwilling to show the tears his burning hatred for her started coursing behind her eyes. So she threw herself into him, pressed her lips incessantly against his own. She tore her wrist free from his grasp, sliding her arm around his shoulder, the other to twine in the hair at the back of his neck.
He willed his body not to respond, willed his heart to forget her song, it was for naught. The feel of her so wantonly sealed against him, her breasts pressed sweetly into the firmness of his chest, how could he not remember how it was when he was free to take her to his bed. To lay with her and to touch her until he could hear her moaning in his arms.lab. But he could not. The feel of her tongue tracing his lips was too appealing, the press of her breasts against his chest was to enticing. With a defeat he did not know had claimed him, he wrapped his arms around her like steel bands, fitting her to him as always he had. Relishing, relishing in the discovery that she still fit to with him like two pieces of a puzzle.
He pushed her further into himself, until she could feel his hardness pressing into abdomen. She had no time to acknowledge her triumph, it was too fast replaced with the incredible feel of his hands sliding over her body, his tongue slipping between her lips to duel with her own. She could not think past the racing of her heart and the shallowness of her breathing.
Yes, her heart screamed, this is where I belong, this is how it should be!
Severus moved a hand between them, to trail slowly up her stomach until he could feel the weight of her breast leaning into his palm. He stroked a thumb across her hardened nipple and the moan that issued forth from her parted mouth was at last enough to return him to his senses. With more force than he intended, he pushed her away from him. The unexpected movement and the force of his arms sent her sprawling to the ground. He did not notice.
She hated him for not noticing.
Instead, he had turned slightly away from her, so she was looking upon his profile. He wiped a hand across his mouth as though hoping to rid himself of the taste of her. Aleasia had been right, she would surely die from the bleeding that was pouring from this new cut in her heart.
Severus strode briskly away from her, walking towards a cabinet kept in the wall above one of the many sinks in the laboratory. He pulled a small vial from the shelf then returned to where Aleasia had yet to right herself from the ground. He tossed the vial into her lap, then she watched as he made his way to the door that hid a flight of stairs. They would take him to his chambers where he could once more drink her from his mind.
Aleasia waited until the door slammed shut behind his retreating figure before she made to move off the floor. She stood slowly, holding the vial tightly in a fist all the while. She did not look at it, could not even register the feel of its weight in her hand, until she had come back to her own rooms.
It was a sleeping draught.