Author's Notes: Yo, sup dawg! I's just wantin' ta tell yous bout ma story, an how iz da bomb diggity!

Ok, I'm done…for now

-X-files music-

Shout out to Venix/Ceria/whatever the hell else you want me to call you. Lol!

And now…the story.

*Dramatic LOTR music*

Chapter 2

The first Charms class of the year was beginning and Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, and Ron Weasley were really looking forward to it, seating themselves at the very front of the class. Professor Flitwick, a tiny man with tiny feet and tiny hands and a tiny face and tiny arms and legs and…you get the picture…was perched on his large pile of books, looking down at the class with his tiny eyes. Ok, really, I'm done now…tiny tiny tiny.

"Hello everyone! Welcome back! Lovely to see all your shining faces again! I hope your summers went well…lots of rest and relaxation. Now today we're going to learn how to levitate feathers! In order to do this you mus-" Flitwick faltered, seeing the hands of every student in the class rise. "Oh, well, yes Miss. Granger?"

Hermione straightened in her seat, looking important. "Professor, we've already learned how to levitate objects in first year," she pointed out, looking inquisitive.

"Yeah, and mine blew up," Seamus added pointlessly.

"Oh, that was only in the movie Seamus. It doesn't count…" Hermione scolded, waving her wand around for no apparent reason, and yet continuing to look perfectly normal because she's so smart she can get away with anything. The students saw this, and began to mimic her, hoping to acquire some of her intelligence somehow.

"Well now," Flitwick twittered, never losing cheery disposition. "What about cheering charms?"

"Third year," Ron answered.

"Silencing Charms?"

"Yo, dat waz fit year, mofo," Neville, spoke up, gesturing with his hands animatedly.

You see, after the incident in the 5th bo-…I mean…fifth year, Neville decided he was so completely out of character that he could get away with anything. Hence the new ghetto style. He now wore his Hogwart's slacks down to his thighs, his woo tang boxers displayed proudly. Coupled with his heavy gold chains and doo rag, Neville was looking more and more like a ghetto thug every day. Peace ma brotha.

"Well…seems I've taught you everything, off you go," Flitwick motioned to the door.

The students sat there silently, looking up at the professor with confused expressions.

"Professor Flitwick, are you feeling alright?" Harry asked, an eyebrow raised.

"Of course, of course! Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be off. The W.N.M.W.J.R.S. club is having a meeting in the lounge," Flitwick announced, climbing off his pile of books and scurrying out the classroom door.

"We have a lounge?" Lavender whispered to Parvati, who was sitting behind Harry.

"What's this W.N.M.W.J.R.S. everyone's talking about?" Ron asked, straightening his black tie.

Harry leaned over to whisper in Emma Dobbs's ear. "Ron's the master of over- exaggeration." Emma, having no importance in this story, just nodded and giggled.

"I think it means 'When numbers match well, jumping rabbits sing,'" Susan Bones finally was introduced into the story, and very reluctantly at that. I mean, come on. Why was she in every scene in the first movie? She's not even a Gryffindor and she's always around Hermione. I bet her father paid for the lighting or something.

"No! It means 'Watchful Nazi Men Will Jinx Really Soon,'" Dean added, eyes suddenly going wide with horror. "THEY'RE COMING! THE NAZIS ARE COMING! FLITWICK'S ONE OF THEM! THEY'RE COMING TO JINX US ALL AND STEAL OUR TROUSERS! I KNEW IT! I KNEW THIS WOULD HAPPEN! I TOLD YOU ALL! BUT…YOU ALREADY KNEW! YOU'RE ONE OF THEM! YOU'RE ALL NAZIS COME TO STEAL MY TROUSERS AND JINX ME INTO BELIEVING I'M AN OSTRICH! WELL I WON'T LET YOU! I WON'T!"

And with that, he was gone.

That is, he ran outta the class screaming and hitting people with a fork.

Hermione spoke up, as if nothing strange had happened. "W.N.M.W.J.R.S." she pronounced each letter carefully, spacing them out so as to make herself sound more intelligent. "'We're not midgets, we're just really small'…it's a club for short people," Hermione finished.

"Oh yeah! Remember that one time we tried to get Ginny to join and she ended up jumping into the lake?" Ron grinned, looking over at Harry.

"Yeah, good thing we were able to drain it with the drought charm before she drowned," Harry replied, chewing on the end of his quill.

"Well, she still got that nasty broken arm from falling on the hard surface and all," Ron commented.

"Wasn't our fault she's sensitive about her height," Harry added thickly.

"Oh you two are such jackasses to that poor girl," Hermione shook her head, organizing her books into a neat pile like the stereotypical brain she is.

Ron raised an eyebrow, "You swore!"

"Oh come off it. I'm friggin 16 years old, I'm allowed to swear. And I find the fact that you two know nothing about sex at your age highly disturbing," she glared.

"Where do babies come from?" Harry asked, innocent eyes wide with wonder.

Ernie Macmillan spoke up from the back of the class. "Anyone else think we should be learning something right about now?"

Everyone went quiet for a moment, some unseen person taking this opportunity to throw their desk at Ernie, missing him by inches and crushing Seamus instead. Poor, poor Seamus.

"I nominate Hermione!" Anthony Goldstein announced, standing on his chair. Ron glared at him all jealous-like.

"I nominate Bill Clinton!" Monica Lewinski screeched, wearing that hideous mormon outfit.

"Who the hell is that?" Ron asked.

"You DON'T wanna know," Harry answered with a look of horror on his face.

"So it's settled!" Anthony continued. "Hermione is president!"

Blink.

"I mean…Hermione's teacher for the day!"

They all cheered and ushered Hermione up to the front of the class, helping her up onto the stack of books Flitwick usually sat upon and sat back down at their seats, looking up at her expectantly.

"Ok then. Umm…well since I'm super-smart and probably know every spell there is I'll just let you request which charms you'd like to learn and I'll teach them to you," Hermione shrugged, looking down at the class from her perch on the books. "Anyone?"

Everyone began talking all at once, yelling out different charms.

"One at a time! One at a time!" She yelled over the crowd, pointing at a random person.

"I'd like to learn a clothing removal spell," the boy asked, grinning.

"Ok, creepy…just…creepy," Hermione replied, shaking her head. "And I could not, in good conscience, let you torment harmless girls, boys, and small animals with that spell. Plus, it's not like I've had a lot of practice with it," At this point she looked directly at Ron with an annoyed expression on her face, but he was too busy playing with little army men and making exploding sound effects to notice. So, once again, another sign of their obvious love for each other went unnoticed…idiots.

Anthony Goldstein followed Hermione's gaze to Ron, narrowing his eyes and sharpening a knife under his desk. Ooooo, a love triangle. Wait, no, if it was a love triangle Ron would like Anthony. And that's just wrong. If there were to be a gay couple it would have to be Harry and Draco. So much sexual tension in there. But I'm getting carried away now. It's kinda like a love tent. Yeah, a love tent.

"Fine," the boy spoke up again. "What about a hair removal spell?"

Everyone just stared at him in silence.

"Get out of my classroom," Hermione motioned to the door, and the boy, head bowed, exited promptly.

"Anyone with a not-so-creepy suggestion?" Hermione asked the class. "And NO Neville, I'm not conjuring Snoop Dogg for you."

"Shizzit," Neville grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest and pouting.

"What about a hover charm?" Harry asked, stroking his chin. He had wanted to learn this charm ever since Dobby used it against him in the 2nd bo-…I mean, at the Dursleys' house in second year. Revenge is sweet.

"Good one Harry! Now, can anyone tell me what the hover charm is?" Hermione asked the class, getting many rolling eyes in the process.

"It makes the caster grow horns," one girl drawled sarcastically.

"It helps with upper lip hair," a boy answered as, if not more, sarcastically.

"It kills people who tell me I throw like a girl…"

At the last one, everyone turned to stare at Neville.

"I mean…yo mutha, wha'chu take us fo, foos?" Neville looked around shiftily, sliding down in his chair.

Everyone seemed to be satisfied with this.

Hermione looked putout. "Ok ok, I get it, stupid question. So, does anyone know how to do it?" When no one answered, she grinned manically. "That's RIGHT. I'M the smart one here! So there you stupid, stupid children! Trying to make a fool out of me! I'm Hermione Granger! I ALWAYS win in the end! Muahaha!"

Blink.

"Yes, so as I was saying…the hover charm is fairly simple to execute," Hermione began. You…think…"

The class looked up at the ceiling, all with thoughtful expressions on their faces. A few stroked their chins.

"You wink…"

They all winked at each other, Neville punching Justin Finch-Fletchley in the face.

"You do a double blink…"

They all blinked twice.

"You close your eyes…"

They all closed their eyes.

"…and JUMP!"

They all jumped, smashing their kneecaps against the desks and falling to the floor.

"Oh wait! That was the way to get into a chalk picture. Sorry about that…just say "suspendo" and point your wand at the object of interest. If pronounced correctly, you should be able to hover it across the desk. But be careful. If your wand movements are too jerky you might end up smacking someone in the head." Hermione explained, demonstrating for them before pairing them off to work on it on their own.

Harry and Ron had been paired together, and Ron continually jerked his wand in Anthony's direction, trying to knock him out with the textbook they were trying to hover.

When Harry had finally hovered the text across the room effectively, and made his plans to get Dobby back using a giraffe and a very long garden hose, they all sat down and yelled out suggestions for what to learn next.

"What about a Severing Charm?" Somebody suggested.

"Good god man! You don't know how to do a severing charm?!" Ron exclaimed, feeling excited because this was one of the few things he actually KNEW how to do. Go Ron.

The student slinked down in his chair, feeling stupid because everyone already knew how to do the charm…even Ron!

"Now now Ronald, let's not judge," Hermione gave him a stern-yet-fond look. He grinned happily.

Hermione successfully taught the student to do the severing charm, but not before he cut off several ears and gave Harry a very uneven haircut. Good thing Harry's hair magically re-grows within a matter of seconds…

"I wanna learn a memory charm!" Hannah Abbot demanded…stupid Hufflepuffs.

"I'm not sure about that one. I don't want you to go around erasing everyone's memories," Hermione answered.

"Well…I have an idea. Why don't you teach it to us, then erase our memories after so we don't remember how to do it!" Ron exclaimed, feeling proud of himself.

"But what would be the POINT! What's the point of learning something if you're just gonna forget it two seconds later?" Harry argued.

"That ALWAYS happens to me…" Neville commented.

They all stared.

"I mean…yo dawg, dat shizit sucks yo! Datz always happenin' ta me mutha," he sniffed, looking around shiftily.

"Fine, whatever. Memory Charms. You all know what they do. In order to do them correctly you must clear your mind of all thought, and when you think you're ready yell 'Obliviate!' and point your wand at the forehead of your subject. When finished you will be able to implant new memories into their brain, or leave them there to die if you so wish…but I don't recommend it. Now, this charm is EXTREMELY complicated…" She continued to explain the complications of the charm, looking around at everyone as she spoke.

"How bloody complicated can this spell be if LOCKHART can use it," Ron muttered to Harry, not taking his eyes off their student teacher.

"Ron, I have one word that will sum up all the wrongs of the world…" Harry whispered back.

Ron waited expectantly, still pretending to be listening to Hermione.

"…Fudge" Harry finished.

"Here here," Ron agreed, speaking just as Hermione finished her explanation. At this point most of the class was asleep, draped over their desks.

"Can I have a volunteer?" Hermione asked, the students waking up immediately, their hands in the air.

"How about…Harry and Ron."

Surprise surprise.

"Ron, you try to erase Harry's memories…"

Harry looked scared as hell. "Hermione, isn't this a little unsafe?"

"Oh don't worry Harry, Ron will most likely screw up and end up erasing all of the potted plant's memories or something," she shrugged.

The potted plant gave a little squeak of horror and hopped out of the class.

"That was strange," Ron commented, walking to the middle of the class.

"I've seen worse," Harry replied, facing Ron.

"Ok, now just clear your mind a-"

"Hermione, I KNOW how to do a memory charm!" Ron argued, even though he had no idea how to do one really. But he would never pass up a chance to fight with Hermione. He pointed his wand at the very nervous Harry, bellowing 'OBLIVIATE!' and nearly falling over as a very powerful jet of green light shot out of his wand, missing Harry by inches and hitting someone behind him.

"Told you so," Hermione commented.

The unharmed students on the side of the room the light traveled in all parted to reveal…

"LOCKHART!"

Everyone gasped and Harry rushed towards him.

"Well hello there young lady," Lockhart smiled blankly, staring up at Harry. "I was just on my way to the track. Mind giving me my arm back so I might be on my way? There's a good girl…"

Harry helped the poor guy to his feet. "Sir, what are you DOING here?" Harry asked, leading him towards the door.

"Oh my goodness, young lady, this is my house! Where else would I be?" the older man's eyes crossed slightly. The double dose of memory charm must've knocked a screw loose. Well, must've knocked ANOTHER screw loose.

"Uh huh…well I'm sure someone here can help you find your way. Professor Snape's office is somewhere in the dungeons. Perhaps you should speak with him," Harry explained, ushering him out the door.

"Oh, is this Mr. Snapdragon an associate of Fat Tony's?" Lockhart asked, swaggering down the hall.

"Sure, why not," Harry replied, shutting the door behind him.

Hermione once again took charge of the class. "Ok everyone, is there anything else you would like to l-" she stopped, sniffing the air and grimacing. "Ok! Who passed the gas!" she glared at everyone, crossing her arms over her chest.

Everyone looked shifty.

Hermione just sat there, waiting for the culprit to fess up.

"Oh god it's horrible!" Harry screamed, passing out on the floor.

"It burns! It burns!" Ron added.

At this everyone began to gag and fall to the floor.

Hermione looked thoughtful, before speaking. "This brings me to my last lesson for the day. The Bubble-head charm. This charms creates a bubble of breathable air around the caster's head, and-"

"Oh god Hermione, just tell us how to do it!" Ron gagged.

"Fine fine," she sighed. "Just recite the incantation Icantthinkofanincantationforthissoilljustmakeitup, and tap the side of your head with the tip of your wand. A bubble will form around your head and the smell will be sealed out," she explained.

The class all did this simultaneously, gasping with joy as the bubble blocked out the smell.

Harry was sure he distinctly heard "Praaaaaaise Jeysus!" from somewhere in the back, but decided ignorance was bliss.

"Ok everyone," Hermione announced. "Class is almost over, so I want to assign your homework…"

"Screw that! You're not our real teacher!" someone barked at her.

"Right you are Harry!" she smiled, sounding eerily like Vernon Dursley. What was even more eerie was that Harry didn't even comment on her assigning of homework, and yet she still said his name…if I could add in sound effects, there would be twilight zone music playing right about now.

"Class dismissed," she yelled out as the bell rang, watching the students filing out of the class and climbing off her pile of books. "Well, that was quite fun!" She smiled as Harry and Ron, heads incased in the charmed bubbles, came to stand beside her.

They all walked out together, Harry and Ron giving Hermione strange looks. They had the feeling she was the one who passed gas, but couldn't imagine her doing something so…human.

She looked over at them, an innocent expression on her face. "What?"

"Nothing," the boys chorused, the three musketeers walking on down the hallway together.

Ron blinked. "Why are those three guys wearing tights?"

Harry shook his head. "You DON'T wanna know," he stopped, shaking his head. "Woaw, Déjà vu."

"And a WHOLE bag of chips…" Ron nodded, the other two staring at him. "What? Is there something on my face?"

They continued down the corridor, walking towards the main staircase.

Destination…unknown.

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Weee! I love…

MONKEY BONE!

Extra points for anyone who can tell me what the HELL it is…

And REVIEW DAMN YOU!

ONLY THREE FRICKIN MEASLEY CRAPTACULAR REVIEWS? GIVE ME A BREAK!

If you don't review, I'll…I'll…I'll piss on your mailbox!

TWICE!

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