Author's notes: I just found out I rode on an elephant when I was younger.

How cool is that?

Disclaimer: This chapter will involve some religious references. I myself am a Christian, but I do not condone the words and actions of very extreme Christians who believe Harry Potter is "evil" or "sinful"…therefore I have chosen to poke fun at them. Muaha. I think it's ridiculous that these people think JK Rowling is trying to teach children that witchcraft is good. Anyway, yeah, so if you actually do feel that Harry Potter is evil…well, you shouldn't be reading my story! *Shrug* Lol.

Now, a conversation between me and my friend Renee:

Percydude: I would've taken biology, but I didn't want to cut up the animals.

Renee: Oh, give me a pig and I'll be the first one to gut it.

Percydude: Ewww…I thought you were the religious one and you don't care about killing a poor animal?

Renee: Well what if I was a butcher?

Percydude: What? You want to be a butcher?

Renee: No no no, but what if I was a butcher…

Percydude: But you're not…

Renee: That's not the point…

My friends are like this…now you know why I'm psycho.

And I love electricity…it is good. Stupid blackout.

Chapter 5

Dinner had just ended, and all the students were streaming out of the great Hall into the main corridor, talking animatedly. Harry, Hermione, and Ron were amongst them, being jostled around in the large crowd.

"I hate crowds…somebody's not wearing deodorant," Harry grimaced.

Ron looked guilty.

"I just want to get back to the common room and look over my notes," Hermione huffed, trying to look over the heads of the crowd.

"What notes Hermione? Percy's notes on the history of Michael Jackson's plastic surgery, or Snape's notes on why he enjoys wearing pink?" Ron rolled his eyes.

"My transfiguration notes, stupid," Hermione glared, smacking him on the back of the head.

"Oh, could I borrow those Hermione? I kinda bled all over mine after the fifteenth page…" Harry asked.

"Of course Harry, but remember, every time you borrow my notes you have to give me a piece of your soul," Hermione warned.

"Meh, what's a soul anyway," Harry shrugged, sighing in relief as they finally made it to the staircase.

As they neared the top of the staircase, they began to hear a commotion up ahead, finally seeing the source of all the traffic in the hallway. A bunch of people, dressed in all black with white collars, were standing at the top of the staircase, blocking the way.

"Who are they?" Harry asked, blinking.

"I have no cl-…ARGH!" Ron yelled as he was splashed in the face with water.

"What the hell!?" Harry exclaimed.

The people in black gasped, turning towards Harry with wide eyes.

"HE SAID HELL!" one lady screeched, covering her mouth.

"Well what do you expect from these sort of people!" a man bellowed, running towards Harry and dousing him with water.

"Agh! What are you doing?!" Harry choked out.

"It can SPEAK!" another man stepped forward, raising his hands to the sky.

Hermione looked intrigued, walking towards the people in black and looking them over.

The lady gasped. "It's looking at me! What should I do?" she whispered to the man covering Harry in water.

"Just don't look it in the eye…it can't see you if you can't see it," the man whispered back.

Ron looked scared, along with the crowd of students behind Harry.

"Hermione…who are these people?!" Ron whispered.

"They're muggle Christians…I believe," Hermione answered.

"Really? I've always wanted to see one of them!" Lavender grinned from behind Hermione, clapping her hands together.

"And what is this stuff they're covering me with?" Harry asked, his hair dripping wet and his robes soaked.

"I believe it's holy water…" Hermione answered.

Harry nodded calmly, wiping the water out of his eyes.

"We must purge these evil creatures of their sinful ways!" an extremely tall man with a mustache bellowed over the noise of the crowd of annoyed students trying to get back to their common rooms.

"Excuse me," Hermione interjected, walking up to the tall man who seemed to be in charge.

The man squeaked, backing away. Seems he was more scared of them then they were of him.

Hermione raised a brow. "Is there a particular reason you feel it necessary to barge into our school and interrupt our evening?" Hermione asked.

The man looked at her with confusion.

Hermione sighed, taking a bible out of her robes and holding it up.

"Hello little girl! My name is J.T.B. Pleased to meet you," he held out his hand for her to take.

"What kind of name is J.T.B?" Harry asked Hermione, knowing the man wouldn't answer him.

"John the Baptist…poor guy's delusional," she answered, turning back to the man. "Are you going to answer my question?"

He smiled. "I'm sorry, I must've not heard you before, please repeat it," he said, his eyes never leaving the book.

"Why…are…you…here?" Hermione repeated.

"WE'VE COME TO RID THIS EVIL SCHOOL OF…WELL...EVIL! YOU ALL MUST BE CLEANSED!" he bellowed, taking a swig of his whiskey.

Hermione rolled her eyes, sighing. Why were some people so stupid? Well…more like why are MOST people so stupid. "Sir, I'll bet you're ten times the sinner we are."

The people in black gasped.

"Blasphemy!"

"Sacrilege!"

"Battery!"

They all turned to stare at the shortest, balding man.

"Sorry, couldn't think of anything…" he blushed.

"You, little girl, are very, very bad! You must be punished!" the man who seemed like the leader barked.

She raised a brow. "And is that a Playboy magazine I see in your slacks, sir?" Hermione smirked.

The man blushed furiously, mumbling something about 'how did that get there?' and 'confiscated from evil teenage boy'.

"It does not matter what you say little girl! You are evil! All of you are evil! EVERYTHING IS EVIL!" one of the women screamed.

"Well then you must be evil…" Ron commented.

The woman ignored him.

"Dude, what's going on here?" a male voice was heard from behind the crowd of students.

A man stood there, long hair reaching down to his shoulders and nicely-trimmed beard and mustache standing out against pale skin. He was clad in a tie dye t-shirt, ripped brown pants and, to top it all off, sandals.

The Christians gasped, looks of horror on their faces. "IT'S A HIPPY! RUUUUUN!" they screamed, scattering in all directions.

The man smiled at the children, a heavenly light shining down upon him. "My work here is done," he said, rising up through the ceiling.

"Can this school get any weirder?" Harry asked to no one in particular, looking up at the ceiling, not noticing when the potted plant came hopping by behind him.

Ron shrugged, pushing Harry forward as the crowd behind him surged in an effort to get by and back to their rooms.

The three friends walked up to the Gryffindor tower, saying the password to the fat lady and entering the room.

"Well, I'm off to bed," Hermione yawned, walking towards the girl's dormitory staircase.

"Me too," Ron said, following Hermione.

Harry rolled, his eyes, grabbing Ron by the back of his shirt and steering him towards the boy's dorm. Ron pouted all the way.

"Night Hermione," Harry called.

"Night Harry, night Ron," Hermione pouted along with Ron, disappointed he hadn't followed her. Damn these two and their obvious love for each other which they won't admit to! Argh!

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

'Twas the second night at Hogwarts, no need to beware.
For not a Kreature was stirring, cause he wasn't there                                      

The broomsticks were resting by the garbage with care,
In hopes that ST. Nicholas soon would be there…even though it wasn't Christmas and magical people probably have no idea who that is.

The Gryffindors were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of Snoop Dogg danced in Ghetto Neville's head.

And Harry in his sailor moon pajamas, and Seamus in his cap,
Had just settled down for a long eight hour's nap.

When out of the darkness there arose such a clatter,
Harry sprang from his bed to see what was the matter…

It was Ron, sitting up in his bed and loading his rifle.

"Could you do that LATER…you're ruining the poem!" Harry huffed, standing at the side of Ron's bed.

"Oh, sorry," Ron answered, stashing his gun under his pillow for safekeeping.

Harry turned and crawled back into his four-poster, curling up in his sheets.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

He was walking down the hall, no longer wearing his Sailor Moon pajamas. He had also grown boobs. Weird.

He felt hungry. He could feel his stomach grumbling. He could see Filch's cat. Where was he going?

He was standing in front of a painting. Fruits. A bowl of fruit.

Laughter.

Where was he?

He could feel himself falling to the floor. An ominous being was cackling above him with mad laughter.

He could hear himself screaming. He sounded oddly girlish. He could see himself in the stranger's eyes. He wasn't himself…he was someone else.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Harry bolted up in bed, breathing heavily. He automatically looked down, patting his chest. No more boobs. It was only a dream…no, not a dream. It was real! It was happening at this very moment and Harry had to stop it!

Bolting out of bed and untangling himself from his bed curtains, Harry instantly was at Ron's bedside. He shook Ron franticly until he woke. "Ron! I just had a DREAM!" Harry whispered.

"Oh my gosh! Me too!" Ron said in his valley girl voice. "Like, I was in some Greek house and like, we totally made pasta, and then Hermione came into the kitchen and I lifted her onto the counter and…"

"RON! THIS WASN'T ANY ORDINARY DREAM!" Harry nearly screamed, causing the other boys to groan and shush him.

"Oh, one of THOSE. Don't worry, it's normal…" Ron nodded.

Harry was beginning to get aggravated. "Ron! This dream was like that dream I had when your dad was attacked!"

Ron gasped. "What happened to my daddy?! NOT DADDY!" he cried, stumbling out of his bed.

"No Ron! Pay attention! This was about HERMIONE! Hermione's in trouble!" Harry helped him to his feet.

"NOT HERMIONE!" Ron cried out again.

"Oh stop screaming and panicking and just go SAVE her already," Dean mumbled from his bed. They also thought they heard him say 'damn Germans', but they didn't stop to ponder that as they rushed to their trunks, rummaging inside.

"Aha!" Harry whispered triumphantly, lifting his batman costume into the air. "I KNEW this would come in handy one day…" he grinned as he slipped into his tights...the horror.

Ron jumped up triumphantly a few minutes later, dressed in his Robin costume. "And I take it you got me this because…it was a two for one sale?" Ron raised a brow.

Harry looked shifty. "Yeeeeees, of COURSE," he coughed. Truthfully, he just loved the way the tights looked on Ron, but he would never admit that. "Off we go! To the bat cave Robin!"

Ron sniffed. "You mean the hallway?"

"Yes…yes I do…" Harry stood there for a moment, and then bounded out of the room.

"Me, being the goofy sidekick, shall follow, in hopes of getting some of the glory!" Ron bounded out after him.

POW!

WACK!

ZAM!

"Damn it!" Harry stomped back into the dorm, arms crossed over his chest, cape fluttering impressively behind him. "I said NO sound effects and/or large, poorly animated lettering until we get to the big fight scene!" Harry glared at he sound effects guy.

"And what was with that "Zam" thing? What the hell does that mean?" Ron inquired.

The sound effects guy shrugged, sitting back in his lawn chair and eating a donut.

"Now, once again, to the hallway!" Harry bellowed, bounding out with Ron close behind.

Without all the noise in the small room, humming could now be heard from the corner, along with the squeaking of bed springs. "N-E-V-I double L-E…" Neville sang in his sleep, even doing the hand gestures. "Word…" he managed to get out before falling silent…unless you count the extremely loud snoring.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hermione had woken up in the middle of the night, suddenly feeling a tad peckish, and decided to go down to the kitchens for a snack. In reality she probably would never have even thought of doing this for fear of getting in trouble, but this is my story so I can do whatever I like. She was now walking through the halls of Hogwarts, the light from her wand the only thing lighting her path through the darkness.

"Food food food food, food food food food, food food food food, food food food food," she sang quietly, to the tune of the 'meow mix' song.

Mrs. Norris, Filch the caretaker's cat, bounced along beside her, meowing the same song and hoping to get some meow mix.

"Shoo! Scat! Hit the road jack!" Hermione tried to shoo the cat away, causing it to hiss and scamper behind a nearby statue.

Hermione continued on her way, oblivious to the ominous figure concealed in the shadows.

No not ME you idiots! I'm just the author. I can't actually do anything in the story.

As I was saying…Hermione did not notice the figure lurking in the shadows, watching and waiting for the right moment to strike…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Come on Ron! Stop lagging behind!" Harry whispered venomously as they dashed through the hallways as quickly and quietly as they could.

"I'm sorry, but I find it extremely difficult to run in tights!" Ron growled, adjusting his costume.

"Well Hermione's in trouble and I should think you of all people would want to save her," Harry panted.

Ron rolled his eyes. "Oh now look what you've done! You've made me feel all guilty," Ron pouted, speeding up a bit.

"From what I remember of my dream, she was in front of a painting…"

"Thanks for the info," Ron commented sarcastically.

Harry looked a bit confused as he tried to remember all the details of the dream. "…a painting of a laughing fruit…"

Ron blinked. "I don't think we've got any pictures of Lockhart in the school."

"Not THAT kind of fruit…a fruit fruit," Harry closed his eyes in concentration…which was really stupid considering they were running at break-neck speed.

Just as Ron was about to throw himself in front of Harry in order to protect him from an approaching wall, Harry stopped, his eyes opening. Ron, unable to halt in time, ran smack into the wall, sliding down slowly and crumpling to the floor.

"Pear!" Harry exclaimed triumphantly.

Ron groaned form the floor, hating to be the sidekick who always gets hurts while the hero gets off scott free. "Wha?"

"A laughing pear! The ticklish pear! Ron! Hermione's going to the kitchens!" Harry continued to run down the hall.

"Brilliant deduction, Sherlock Potter!" Ron got to his feet, catching up to Harry quickly due to his long legs.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hermione stood in front of the entrance to the kitchens, facing the picture of the bowl of fruit. She had been standing in front of the painting for ten minutes, waiting for Ron and Harry to discover her whereabouts five stories below…although she didn't actually know this. She kinda just froze in time for a bit, while the author made other things happen for dramatic purposes.

Now, standing in front of the painting, she slowly brought up a hand, finger inching towards the ticklish pear…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Almost there!" Harry breathed heavily as they bolted down the various halls.

"Harry, maybe if you'd stop commenting uselessly we'd get there faster!" Ron growled.

"Good point," Harry gave Ron a half-nod, then shutting up. If he only knew it's ME who's doing this to him. Muahahahahahaha *cough*

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Hermione brought her finger to the painting, poking at the pear, when suddenly a dark figure came flying out of the shadows, knocking her to the floor.

"Ron! Not here!" Hermione fended the person who she thought was Ron off.

The person laughed all low and sexy-like.

Hermione's eyes widened as she looked up into the face of…

"Brad Pitt?"

"Yes, it is I…blah blah blah," Pitt said with an unusually strong Transylvanian accent.

"Why are you talking like that?" Hermione raised a brow.

Pitt looked put-out. "What, it's not good? Cause I'm really trying to get this vampire thing down. I mean, in Interview with a Vamp it was all cake and cookies…but they never told me Kirsten Dunst was ACTUALLY a vampire."

Hermione gasped. "Y-you're a vampire?"

"Well duh…" he blinked, suddenly remembering why he was here. "And I am here to suck your blood!" he once again had adopted the accent.

"Could you...not do the accent? It's just a tad distracting," Hermione asked.

"Oh…of course. Whatever you want…so, where was I? Oh yeah...blood sucking." Pitt bared his fangs, all the while getting closer and closer to Hermione's neck…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Y.M.C.A!" Seamus and Dean sang together, dancing on their beds.

Neville looked annoyed. "Yo foo! Yous best stop dat shizit right now, yo!"

The other two boys ignored him and continued dancing, Seamus in his cop uniform and dean in his Native costume.

Neville, going berserk at the horrible music, threw his framed photograph of Jay Z at the "magical" CD player, causing the player to smash to bits. The photo, of course, stayed intact…such is the magic of Jay Z.

"Nooooooo!" the other two boys cried.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Back with Hermione and Mr. Brad Vampire Five Minutes Later:

Closer…closer…closer…

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Are we theeeeeere yet?" Ron groaned, running beside Harry.

"Yes!" Harry gasped as they turned a corner, spotting Hermione's still form lying in the middle of the small, dimly-lit hallway. "There she is!"

Ron ran towards her, kneeling next to her body. "Nooooooooo," he cried out, looking up to the ceiling. "Why heeeeeeer?! Why not me?! Or Harry! Most preferably Harry!" Ron sobbed.

"Oh calm down Ron, she's alive," Harry said, checking Hermione's pulse. "And we're gonna discuss that whole 'kill Harry' business later…" Harry eyed him.

Ron looked sheepish. "You know that was only grief talking…"

"Yeah right," Harry rolled his eyes, trying to haul Hermione onto his shoulder.

Ron easily lifted her, carrying her back to the common room.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

By the time Ron had deposited Hermione in the Hospital Wing, it had gotten very late… mostly due to the fact that Pomfrey chased him around the room with a truth serum hoping to get him to confess to being a vampire.

Harry finally opened the door to their room, only to find Dean, Seamus, and Neville screaming at each other.

"Hey hey hey!" Harry yelled. "What's going on in here?!"

Seamus ran to Harry, tears streaming down his face. "It was horrid Harry! You must fix this!"

Ron, who had no interest in this, walked over to his bed and climbed in, closing the curtains around him.

"Ok ok, calm down. Now, I can tell by the shards of broken plastic cutting into the bottoms of my feet that you guys had another fight over YMCA. Neville, we talked about this…next time they felt the need to play it you were to think of Snoop Dogg. Did you do this?" Harry waited patiently.

Neville sighed. "No…yo."

"Now, we can talk about this in the morning. I'm extremely tired and chafed from this outfit…" Harry yawned.

"Yeah, why are you wearing that anyway?" Seamus blinked, looking over Harry's batman costume.

"Don't ask…" Harry replied, getting into his bed and pulling the curtains closed.

The others shrugged, getting into their own beds, Neville waiting for Harry to fall asleep before throwing the coveted Jay Z photo at Seamus's head, knocking him out cold.

"That'll teach him to sing the Village people…" Neville cackled. "…yo."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"I hate crowds…somebody's not wearing deodorant" –Metabots.

And of course the poem was a take off on "The Night Before Christmas"

Harriet: Lmao Har! Both you and Venix get extra points…and a block of cheese. Congrats! And yes…love tent is everything. Don't you know? Even though I never meant it in that way. Damn Ribbon and her suggestive comments! Lol!

Lauralou: Yikes Edgar, you make it seem like laughing is a sin. Well, either that or my story is. C'mon, it's not like I sold my soul to Hermione in order to write better…*Shifty eyes* I didn't do it, you didn't see me do it, you can't prove anything.

Sarah Embry: Once again…woman of a thousand words. Hehe, thanks for reviewing!

Eve: Thanks a lot! And yes, I also cannot believe so little people care about curing Ebola. What a sad, sad world we live in. Lol.

princessflowerchild: *Blink* Yes…exploding IS funny. Especially when it's a can of paint next to a drugstore in the middle of…well…that's a different story.

Gred Weasley: Once again, you are a God. LOL! I shall dedicate my next toe clipping to you.

T.G.Q. Servant: Are you selling insurance? Cause I'm already covered…*holds up cheese grater*

Nic: Lol! You BETTER comment on every chapter. Why do you think I keep you around?! JOKING. Lol, you know I love ya.

Hermionemo: Ooooo, if it isn't my love interest. LOL! Jokes.

VenixFlames: Shout out to you oh lovely daughter O' mine. Hehe.

Narcissa: Me? Adorable? I KNEW my mommy was right! Lol, thanks!

FINALLY! DONE! Yikes, that took a long time. But tis the duty of a good ff writer to shout out to all his or her lovely reviewers. And anyone who doesn't review can kiss my a-

-look at the time! Gtg!