Author's Notes: Wow, took me several hundred years to get this up. I'm sooooo sorry…probably lost what meager fan base I had. Oh well, lol.
So yeah…my chapter…I've been so busy with so many things I haven't had time to write…so I'm soooooory.
Here it is! Turn on the lights! This is it! The height of heights! And ooooooh what heights we'll hitttttt!
ON WITH THE SHOW! THIS IS ITTTTTTT!
*ding*
Chapter 6
The next morning Ron had gotten up extra early to visit Hermione in the Hospital Wing and after much argument and hand-to-hand combat between himself and Madame Pomfrey, the nurse finally let Hermione go. She was acting awfully normal for a newly-made vampire…probably because Pomfrey had stuck a piece of duct tape over her mouth. Why a professional nurse would let a vampire roam free in Hogwarts is beyond me…too many crappy fanfiction stories rotting my mind.
"So…you met Brad Pitt huh…that must've been cool," Ron tried to strike up a conversation.
Hermione glared at him from behind her duct taped mouth.
"Listen, just because you're a vampire doesn't mean you have to act all snobby!" Ron huffed.
Hermione rolled her eyes, resisting the urge to smack him…and bite into his neck.
"Fine! Fine! Be this way! I don't need you! I don't need anybody!" Ron screamed, crossing his arms over his chest.
Hermione reached up and ripped the tape off her mouth, smacking the piece onto his forehead. "Hello! How was I supposed to talk with tape on my mouth, stupid!"
Ron's eyes crossed as he tried to see the tape that was now stuck to his forehead. "I just wanted you to take it off yourself…Pomfrey said she would hunt me down and kill me if I did."
"Clever…" Hermione raised a brow. "I'm impressed."
"Pitt gave me a few pointers," Ron shrugged.
"Yeah, well he's a real looker. You know, if I wasn't 20 years younger then him and it wasn't illegal I would…oh gosh! We better hurry up before we're late for History of Magic!" Hermione screeched, looking up from her wristwatch.
"Geez, you've joined the ranks of the undead and all you can think about is school?"
"Well what's the point in having special powers and being a sexy vampire if you can't make enough money when you're older to buy one of those red velvet dresses?" Hermione hurried down the hall towards the staircases.
"You've got special powers?" Ron hurried along beside her.
"Yup," Hermione replied.
"Like what?" Ron asked.
"Do you know what Fudgesicles are?"
"You mean those delightful chocolaty popsicles?" Ron asked.
"Yup…well those have nothing to do with anything…here's our class!" Hermione grinned, rushing up to the crowd of students pushing their way into the open door of the History of Magic classroom.
"Damn it…how does she DO that?!" Ron pouted, slowly shuffling behind his classmates.
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Alright, the spotlight shines once again upon our beloved hero Harry Potter. At least Ron got his own scene with Hermione…poor kid, scavenging for spare parts. Anyway, Harry sat at his usual desk, staring out the window with a wistful look on his face.
"Hey Harry," Hermione said, taking her seat beside him.
Harry's head snapped around to face her. "Hermione! Are you ok?"
"I'm fine…I feel a neck of a lot better," she smiled, eyes looking glassy.
Harry blinked. "A neck of a lot?" he raised a brow.
"Oh, sorry, slip of the tongue, I meant heck," she smiled, opening her book. "I forgot to neck over my homework yesterday, I'm so bloody careless sometimes."
Harry was beginning to get nervous.
Is she looking at my neck, or is it just me…
Ron chose this moment to enter the classroom, taking his seat on the other side of Harry and trying to hide something under his robes.
"Ron…what's with the shirt?" Harry questioned.
Ron looked around shiftily, pulling his robes closed. "What shirt?"
"That shirt you're trying to hide under your robes…why are you wearing a censorship t-shirt Ron!"
Dean gasped from across the room. "HE'S WORKIN' FOR THE MAN! HE'S TRYING TO GET ALL OUR SECRETS SO THE GOVERNMENT CAN MAKE MACHINES THAT CREATE OUR FAVORITE PUDDINGS!"
"But why would that be so bad?" Lavender asked.
Dean opened his mouth to speak, his eyebrows furrowing. "Damn it…I've no clue," he pouted, slumping back down into his chair.
"Ok ok, settle down everyone!" Professor Binns drawled in monotone, passing through the blackboard to his desk, opening his text and flipping through the pages.
Draco's scantily-clad girls continued to giggle from their seats at Draco's feet, petting his legs affectionately.
"Hermione, could you stop poking my neck…" Harry whispered as Binns began to speak, trying to slap her hand away from him.
"Sorry…but it's just so strange. I can't find one vein…let me just see if I can-"
"-Hermione! Leave Harry alone!" Ron whispered across the table, smacking her hand with his ruler.
"Ok! Geez, don't have a cow…" Hermione rubbed the back of her hand, turning her attention back to the teacher.
Harry caught Ron's eye, giving him a scared, wide-eyed look before shifting away from Hermione slightly.
To try and get his mind off the very uncomfortable situation, and the thought of his best female friend fantasizing his death, Harry once again began to stare out the window. He looked out at the grounds, spotting Cho Chang sitting at the edge of the lake…crying…as usual.
Harry whispered silently to himself. "She can be such an emotional f-"
"-RIDAY!" Ron exclaimed, jumping to his feet.
"It's not Friday…" Lavender replied.
"I see DEATH on Friday…" Parvati added.
"Ron…why did you just do that?" Harry blinked, looking up at his friend.
Ron tried to look nonchalant. "What did I do?"
"You interrupted me…"
"I didn't interrupt you…"
"Well what if I were to say f-"
"-RIDAY!" Ron finished.
"See! Does this have anything to do with that shirt you've got on…?"
"What shirt? I see no shirt…I don't wear shirts. I burned them all. Don't you hate pants?" Ron stammered.
Binns looked up from his book with a confused expression on his face, as if he had just noticed there were actual students in his classroom. All the students quieted down, once again going back to their silent games of tic-tac-toe and burn the leprechaun…poor innocent leprechauns.
"Yo, Harry…" Dean whispered, suddenly being interrupted by Neville.
"Yo, dat mofo tryin' ta steal ma flava…mutha f-"
"-RIDAY!" Ron interrupted from the seat next to Neville's.
Hermione leaned over her desk behind them, her face next to Ron's. "Ron, why do you keep saying that every time someone's about to say f-"
"-RIDAY!" Another Ron burst into the classroom, making everyone turn in their seats to stare mock horror and disbelief....it's all acting, people.
"TWO OF ME!" The real Ron screeched, wide-eyed. The other Ron backed out of the class slowly, stepping out of the open doorway and closing the door softly. The class shrugged collectively and turned back to their work.
"Probably a clone made by the censors, and/or the author, so the "curse" word in question can not be uttered without interference, for the sake of small children or others who may be reading this and might be offended by slanderous terms…" Seamus cringed, waiting to be attacked, his arms thrown over his head.
The rest of the class looked at him, blinking in silence for a short time.
"Right-o old chap," said Crabbe, twisting his curly pencil mustache between two fingers.
"Quite right, quite right," Parvati piped up mistily, looking at Seamus from behind her huge eye-magnifying glasses.
"W-what…?" Seamus cautiously removed his arms from over his head, staring around at the class in disbelief. "Y-you're…you're not going to…to throw things at me? Or yell 'Shut up Finnigan', or…or steal my clothing while I'm sleeping so I have to come to class in my PJs?" he asked, eyes shining.
Dean stood on his chair, looking around franticly with wide eyes. "What? Why would you say that? I thought you were my best friend? You're not…you're pretending! You're trying to kill me! You're ALL trying to kill me! You're plotting at this very moment! Using some sort of secret code! You're not even speaking English, are you? You're speaking GERMAN! THE GERMANS ARE TRYING TO MURDER ME! But I won't let you get me…I WON'T!"
The class was silent again, and yet, like in every comical pause, a couple of coughs could be heard in the background. And as usual…they all decided to ignore him.
"Why would we do something like that Seamus? You're absolutely right," Lavender fawned, petting his head.
"But…I'm always right…and everyone…and the objects…always throwing stuff…" Seamus wasn't making much sense, and the rest of the class was quickly losing patience. Seamus realized this and promptly shut up, bending over his parchment and finishing the homework. Suddenly, a baseball smashed through the window, smacking Seamus on the back of the head and causing him to black out on his work.
Harry picked up the ball from between their desks and walked over to the window with the baseball-sized hole smashed in it. He pushed the window open, poking his head out.
"Sorry!" the kid from Dennis the Menace stood directly below the window, hands cupped around his mouth to magnify the sound.
Harry was just about to say 'no problem' and throw the ball back down when Mr. Wilson bounded into the classroom, pushing Harry out of the way and screaming out the window. "DENNNNNNNISSSSSSS!"
"Oh crap…not this moron again," Dennis mumbled, running as fast as his tiny, tiny legs would carry him away from the castle.
Mr. Wilson stood up on the window ledge and jumped, arms outstretched. Harry watched as spider webs shot out of his wrists, attaching themselves to seemingly nothing like in the old crappy cartoon as he swung in pursuit of his scrambling young neighbor.
It wasn't until the old man and the kid disappeared into the distance that Harry took his seat, wondering why the professor hadn't stopped any of the activities that occurred in class that day…
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#@!$And now time for a random argument between Ron and Hermione:!@#$
"Ron, you can't blame everything on that stupid imaginary elf!" Hermione scolded.
"But…but…" Ron stammered.
"No buts! Take some responsibility for your actions!" she growled, stomping off down the hallway.
Ron stood there, staring after her. Just then silent giggling could be heard from the corner, one curly-toed green show disappearing into shadows.
"Damn you giggles…one day…one day," Ron proclaimed silently to himself, looking up to the sky…or the ceiling…whatever.
!@#$Now Back to our regular program!@#$
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Their last class of the day was Transfiguration, and Harry was fairly interested to see how Professor McGonagall would be able to teach in her current…condition. You see, due to a mishap with her animagus form, Professor McGonagall was now stuck as a cat until Dumbledore could be informed. And seeing as no one can ever find Dumbledore when he's most needed, and the fact that he disappears for months at a time without notice, the professor would be stuck as a cat for a pretty long time.
Now, being stuck as an animagus for long periods of time apparently has some weird side effects. Other then the fact that the professor would chase loose threads on her students' clothing during class; she was also starting to look oddly…animated. And by animated I don't mean she was suddenly full of life. We're talking cartoon animated.
Professor McGonagall was no longer an orange tabby cat with spectacle markings around her eyes…her fur had darkened to black and she now had a crescent-shape moon marking on her forehead. She insisted the students call her "Luna" and for some reason she kept calling out "Serena" during roll call…which was weird because there was no Serena in their class.
Everyone sat at their desks, talking quietly amongst themselves until the class began. The famous trio, Harry Ron and Hermione, sat together, talking about raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens…and how the Quaker Oats guy reminds them of Freddie Krueger. Draco sat with Crabbe and Goyle, his two cronies who always wore strange, Sherlock Holmes-type outfits everyday. They even had the pencil mustaches and the one-lens spectacles. Those things are cool actually…I want one.
And now it's time to spontaneously introduce a new character who for some reason was never mentioned before…and I'm supposed to make you believe she was there the whole time. I'm allowed to you know…cause I'm the all-powerful, omnipotent author. Muahahaa!
Beside Draco and his fangirls sat Lihrakzarnoggin, an exchange student from Calgary. At first glance she looked a bit strange, what with her seven red eyes and green skin and all, but as she reminded them again and again, she was from Canada. This seemed to explain it all, and the students accepted her as one of their own…but Harry wasn't sure there was such a city as "Zukuzki" in Calgary.
Other then her…unique…appearance, Lihrakzarnoggin was different from the other students in other ways. For one thing, she could be seen in the corner of the Gryffindor common room once in a while, speaking into her foot in an undistinguishable language. She also had a very strange-looking wand. The exchange student swore it was just a water gun attachment for her wand, but Harry could've sworn there was a pencil sharpener on there somewhere and she was hiding it for mysterious reasons. Why a magical being would need a pencil sharpener he did not know, considering they used quills and all, but Harry hadn't been feeling well in the mental department lately. Probably some sort of brain flu he guessed.
Another strange thing Harry had noticed about this Canadian exchange student was that she drew many pictures all over her binders, usually depicting some sort of tea saucer crushing little ant-like insects. On closer inspection, one of the ants was wearing glasses and had a tiny scar on its forehead, but Harry made nothing of it.
This transfiguration lesson was probably one of the strangest experiences in Harry's strange, strange life. The students were all working silently when Professor McGonagall pounced on Harry's head, screeching in that annoying Luna sailor moon voice, screaming something about "Use the wand! Use the wand!" Harry picked up his wand, getting ready to curse the Professor, when she knocked it out of his hand, scratching at his face with her cartoon claws. "Not that wand! The moon wand! It's the Nega Verse."
Harry had no idea what she was talking about. "I have no idea what you're talking about!"…told ya. Reaching for his wand with his foot, he tried to pry her off his face, but she was pretty strong for a cartoon cat.
"Serena! Transform!"
At this point Ron had looked up from his work, casually smacking the professor over the head with his textbook and watching as she crumpled to the floor.
"Thanks Ron…I thought she was gonna kill me! Good thing you saved me in time," Harry panted, picking up his wand from the floor.
"Saved you?" Ron blinked, tilting his head.
"Of course…she was going mad…" Harry blinked back, eyebrows furrowed.
"Was she?" Ron shrugged. "Didn't notice…" He looked down at the professor, twitching on the floor. "Got her good…no homework for tonight." He grinned his Weasley grin, throwing all his books into the trash, including the textbooks from other subjects.
"Umm…Ron. You might need those later…" Harry tried to explain, but was stopped by Hermione.
"Let him Harry. Once he gets an idea in his head, you'd be hard pressed to make him believe anything else. Why do you think he's always going on about the aliens building the Taj Mahal?" She explained, looking at Ron out of the corner of her eye.
At this Lihrakzarnoggin, the exchange student from Calgary, turned in her chair, raising her water gun/wand to Ron's head. "You know too much, young grasshopper," she muttered, pressing on the trigger.
"Ooo, a penny!" Ron bent down to pick it up, narrowly missing the laser shooting out of the wand/water gun, disintegrating the wall behind him. Straightening back up, Ron looked a tad disappointed. "Only a piece of lint...and where's this grasshopper everyone's talking about?"
Once again Seamus piped up, looking over at the corner occupied by the author. "If you don't mind be interrupting, I would like to point out that a penny could not have attracted the eye of Ronald Weasley. For one thing, we are in the magical world, where pennies do not exist. For another thing, we are also in the U.K., where pennies also do not exist. So I suggest you change that part of the story, just to be as accurate as poss-"
Just then a streak of light hit Seamus in the back, turning him to ash.
"My bad," Ron carefully put the water gun/wand back on the exchange student's desk, backing away from the pile of Seamus.
"Oh Serena," Professor McGonagall, finally awaking from her minor coma, gave Harry a disdainful look.
Harry looked around for this famous Serena, finally blinking as he realized she was talking to him. "My name ISN'T Serena, and what did I do! Ron was the one who blasted him!"
"I didn't know all that stuff about the wicked witch of the west melting because of the water applied to wizards! So sue me!" Ron grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest.
Several goblins wearing suits then burst into the room, walking towards Ron. "Ronald Weasley?" One of them asked him in his high-pitched, squeaky voice.
"That's me," he answered, poking the goblin with his quill, wondering if he would do the pop n' fresh laugh.
"Stop that! Consider yourself served…" He threw a folder onto Ron's desk, looking smug.
"What! You can't sue me! It was a legitimate poke!" Ron cried out, looking at the folder as if it was on fire.
"Not for THAT you idiot! We are the lawyers of the pile of ashes formerly known as Seamus Finnigan," The rest of the Goblins behind the head one nodded. "Now if you'll excuse us…" They shuffled out of the room, closing the door behind them.
Harry blinked, the goblin lawyers making him lose his train of thought. "Where were we?"
"I believe I was calling you Serena and you were getting angry and blaming all your problems on someone else, as usual." Professor McGonagall answered.
"Ah yes, thank you professor." Harry cleared his throat. "I believe it's your line now."
"Jolly good…I believe you can fix this poor boy. Serena, you must take out the moon wand and yell 'moon healing activation', then do a strange circle around yourself in mid-air until this flash of light fixes Seamus somehow." The professor explained.
"What moon wand? What the hell are you talking about?" Harry was getting impatient, and the fact that Ron had begun to speak into his walkie-talkie again was only adding to the annoyance.
"SERENA! TRANSFORM ALREADY! I BET RAY WOULD NEVER BE SO IRRESPONSIBLE!"
Harry didn't know why, but being compared to this mysterious "Ray" irked him. "I'm ten times better then Ray! I am the leader of sailor scouts DAMN IT! And my hair is SO much cooler! I mean, come on! Who else but me could pull off the whole meatball hair thing?!" Harry's eyes widened…he had no friggin idea where that came from. Who the hell were the sailor scouts?
Just when the professor was about the pounce on Harry again and probably be pummeled by Ron for the second time, Filch burst into the room, sweeping Seamus into a dustpan and exiting promptly.
"Well I guess that ends that then," Harry turned back to his work and the transfiguration professor slinking back over towards her desk.
Ron whimpered from his seat, poking at the folder lying on his desk. "Hermioneeeee," he whined, poking her in the side. "Fix this!"
Hermione sighed, pointing her wand at his desk and muttering a complicated spell that she probably made up herself cause she's just so damned smart, watching as the folder turned into a swan.
"How's that supposed to help me?" Ron asked, secretly wanting to cuddle to pretty swan…or Hermione…whatever.
"Don't worry Ron, you're covered," she answered, turning back to her work.
****Somewhere in a distant land…or a couple of feet outside Hogwarts' front doors****
The Goblins can be seen screaming in agony as their lovely wrinkly old skin turns pink, their stylish Italian suits transforming into pretty pink dresses, trimmed with lace.
"OH THE AGONY!" The head Goblin screamed, promptly jumping into the lake and drowning, followed by the others.
****Back in Class****
"Hey! Look! Cotton Candy in the lake!" Lavender called out, turning away from the window.
Hermione grinned evilly from behind her text.
"Oooo! It's the Boston candy party!" Parvati spoke in her usual misty tone, standing next to Lavender by the window.
"We're in London dumbass," Ron replied, poking at the swan on his desk. "I shall call it…Mini me," Ron muttered to himself, spotting Hermione's wicked grin from behind her book. "What exactly did you do Hermione?"
She lowered her book, looking innocently bossy, in the usual Hermione way. "Nothing Ronny," she patted his ginger head, talking in one of those odd, annoying baby voices. "Hermiowne fix evwything fow widdle wonny," she cooed, petting him.
Ron smiled happily, purring.
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Ta Da! I'll try to take less time writing the next chapter! Woot!
Just wanna say thanks to Nicola for not forgetting about me, lol! Still love ya! And Cheryl and Draco, miss you both! And of course Venix. Lol.
And now, for my Haiku:
I like to write stuff
Making people laugh is fun
I hope you review
Lol! You better review people! Pleeeeease! Or I'll take 8 years with the next one!