Author's notes: IM SORRY OKAY! I TOOK FOREVER, I KNOW! HAVE A PROBLEM WITH THAT? WELL FINE! YEAH, WELL YOU TOO BUDDY!

Geez, some people have such horrible attitudes!

THAT'S RIGHT! I SEE YOU! SITTING AT YOUR COMPUTER WITH YOUR PANTS AND YOUR SHIRT! AND YOUR HAIR AND EYES!

I'm watching you!

Okay…I think I'm basically only writing this story for four people. This depresses me. This is the reason why I'm taking so long to write it!

So yeah, review please…cause I need inspiration! Reviews are inspiration!

And…enjoy!

Right…now!

…now!

…now!

…and I'm done, that's all folks.

Chapter 9

It was very uneventful evening in Hogwarts School and Witchcraft and Wizardry, and Harry Potter, not used to sitting still for long, decided to go for a walk.

Wow, this chapter actually sounds normal so far!

…Whoops, ruined it.

Harry was kind of surprised that in a school with so many people, creatures, ghosts, and animals in it that there wasn't a soul in sight. Wait, do ghosts have souls? Or are ghosts souls themselves? Oooo, deep.

But Harry's boredom was about to end…

In the shadows the silhouette of a man could be seen, leaning against a wall. Harry stopped in his tracks, squinting to try and get a look at the person.

"Brad? Brad Pitt? Is that you?" Harry called out.

It wasn't. The man in shadows stepped into the light, revealing…the beast from Beauty and the Beast.

Joking.

It was Sirius.

"Sirius!" Harry gasped as his godfather came into view.

"Hey Harry," he replied casually, in the oh-so-cool Sirius way.

"Y-you're…alive!" Harry gaped, mouth wide open.

Sirius leaned on the wall behind him, crossing his arms over his chest and looking bored.

"…as in, not dead," Harry urged.

"Yup," his godfather answered, now filing his nails.

"B-but, I saw you die," Harry tried to get some info out of Sirius, to no avail.

"Me too…bloody dramatic if you ask me, although it did seem kinda rushed in the midst of all that action. I would've expected Rowling to add in a whole deathbed scene or someth-"

Harry blinked as his godfather went on about some 'rolling' thing, confused as usual.

"How…did you…I mean,"

"Spit it out Harry," Sirius was now filing his nails again.

"How did you…come back to life?" Harry asked, expecting a long-winded tale about the veil and adventures with a lovable bunny named Peter.

"Dunno," was all Sirius said in reply.

"You don't know?" Harry asked, astonished. How could you NOT know how you came back to life?

"Nope," Sirius shrugged, throwing his nail file behind him and hitting Ron, who had been eavesdropping, in the head.

"So you're just…alive? Just like that?" Harry was just about to smack the author of this tale, who was once again sitting in a dark corner nearby, for screwing with his mind, when Sirius piped up.

"Guess so," he answered. "Wanna go get some ice cream?"

"Sure," Harry replied, following his not-so-dead uncle down the corridor.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

It was a blistery night. The streets were frozen because of the cold, as were the bottoms of my shoes. I slipped a lot. Damn K-Mart. Anyway, it couldn't be helped…like drunks; and criminals. That was my job…criminals, not drunks…although some are drunks, but that's not my point. I'm a detective. Detective Potter, private dic-

-tionary!

That was Ron, my partner. He's a censor. As I was saying…

I'm Detective Potter, private eye. It's a tough job, but somebody's got to do it. Lazy ass cops.

On this cold, cold night, I was sitting in my office, reading a magazine…seventeen magazine, when a knock was heard in the vicinity of the door. It was the cabinet beside the door. Why was the cabinet knocking? I had to find out. I walked up to the cabinet and opened it, fully expecting some sort of IRS agent or Religious person to pop out. I was not expecting a beautiful woman…

…it was a beautiful woman.

I was not expecting that.

"Please help me! My husband! He's been…MURDERED!" the woman drawled. She had a southern accent…like most beautiful women in detective movies and such.

DUN NA NA!

I looked around to see where the sound effects were coming from. I never did figure that out.

"Ok ma'me. I'll help you. But first you gotta help me…" I replied, hopping on the top of my desk, sliding, and falling over the other side. Damn, it always looks so easy in movies. After righting myself, I sat down in my chair. I hoped my hair didn't do that fuzzy thing it does.

The woman sighed. "Ok…" she said, and began unbuttoning her top.

I was a bit confused…"no, I meant you gotta give me information," I blinked. The top thing was ok too of course.

"Oh…" she replied, buttoning back up. "Well in that case…my husband has been KILLED!"

Didn't she already specify this?

"Didn't you already specify this?" I asked.

"…by my lover!"

DUN NA NA!

There it was again. Damn sound effects.

"Wait wait…if you already know who did it…why don't you just tell the cops? I find out who dunnit, I don't arrest them lady."

"Well, that's the thing. I THINK it was my lover, but I'm not sure!" she twittered with her southern accent, draping herself on one of my leather chairs.

Already changing her story. Quite suspicious.

"Well ok then, start off by telling me your name," I asked her.

"Lola," the woman replied.

"Is there a last name?" I asked.

"Lola!"

"Your name is Lola Lola?" I was quite confused by now.

"Exactly!"

"Your name is Lola Lola Exactly?" I asked.

"NO! It's Lola Lola! Not Lola Lola Exactly!" She exclaimed.

"Ok…so your husband is Mr. Lola?"

"No, he's Mr. Big," she replied.

"Mr. Big? Like the Candy Bar?"

"Exactly!"

"There you go with the exactly again!!!"

"Okay, can we move on?!"

She was angry…I could tell. Very suspicious. First she changes her story, then her name, and now she exhibits an anger problem. Very suspicious indeed.

"Wait. If he's your husband, why do you have two different names?"

"I don't wanna be named after a chocolate bar!!! Chocolate is fattening!" she screeched.

It hurt my ears.

"You're hurting my ears."

She apologized.

Very suspicious.

"Okay, so your husband, Mr. Big…he's dead," I asked.

"Yes," she replied.

"How'd he die…death by wafer?"

BA DA CHH!

She wasn't impressed.

"You know, some people have no sense of h

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"What'cha writin'?" Sirius asked Harry, spooning a bite of vanilla ice cream into his mouth.

"Nothin…gothic poetry," Harry replied, shifty-eyed.

"Thought so," Sirius smiled, quite awkwardly…as if it hurt to smile.

"You okay Sirius?" Harry raised a brow.

"Yeah…death makes one's muscles hurt though. I'm sure I'll be fine once the rigor mortis starts to wear off," Sirius shrugged.

"Yeah, about that…how'd you come back to life?" Harry asked.

"No clue…probably Dumbledore. He does stuff like that," Sirius replied.

"Sounds plausible," Harry nodded, wiping ice cream from the side of his glass and licking his finger.

"Well, now that we're done dessert, you think we should go get lunch?" Sirius asked.

"I like the way you think old man!" Harry got up, doing a little jig. "Can we have ice cream after?"

"Of course!" Sirius exclaimed, emitting a roar of approval from the crowd of onlookers.

And with that, Harry and Sirius proudly walked away from the ice cream shop, the crowd cheering behind them.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"Ok, I'll get us a seat and you can go get the pizzas," Sirius said, patting Harry on the shoulder.

"Ok…are we gonna do that thing they do on TV shows where we don't discuss what type of pizza we want so when I order I don't specify what toppings there should be and the pizza people automatically know for some reason?" Harry asked.

"Yup," Sirius replied, departing on his dangerous task of finding a suitable table.

Godspeed to you Sirius…

…Godspeed.

Harry wiped away a tear as he watched the retreating back of his godfather disappear in the mist.

"Foggy evening we got here, eh sonny?" An old man asked Harry, punctuating every syllable with his cane.

Harry nodded politely, opening the door to the pizza place.

Harry just loved the atmosphere of an old pizza parlor. The smell of fresh bread, the sight of tomato sauce splattering the walls, the sounds of Italians screaming at each other in their native tongue. Beautiful.

But there was one screaming Italian that was heard above all. Harry thought he was hearing an extremely loud angel.

"Excuse me Miss," Harry stopped a nearby waitress. "Who is that extremely loud person?"

The waitress looked at him, her long, raven locks blowing in a non-existent wind, such is the hair of Italians. "Oh, that's Rodolfo, he's our new chef".

Harry was intrigued. How could you not be intriguing with a name like Rodolfo?

"Hmm, is there any way I can speak with this Rodolfo?" Harry asked.

"Yeah, whatever. RODOLFOOOOOOOOOO!" She screamed.

Harry smiled.

"Whata iza eet!" the sound of a very strong Italian accent could be heard from the back room.

The owner of said voice walked up to the front counter, wearing a large, grease-stained apron and bushy mustache.

"It's-a Mario!" Harry exclaimed. "Wait…no…it's…PERCY!"

DUN NA NA

Harry gets his story ideas from real life…damn sound effects.

"Percy? Who iza disa Percy?" Percy the chef asked.

"Percy?! What are you doing here?" Harry gawked, eyes wide.

"Who iz dis Percy yo speaka 'bout?! I do nota know disa Percy!" Percy gave him a puzzled look, never losing that fake Italian accent.

Harry stared for a few minutes before slowly backing away.

Just then Sirius opened the door to the pizza place, walking directly into the retreating Harry. "Harry, I thought you were getting the pizzas?"

"I think I'm in the twilight zone…" Harry replied in a hushed voice.

Sirius looked around. "Yeah…where IS that music coming from?"

The 5 piece orchestra in the corner abruptly stopped playing the twilight zone theme, packing up their instruments and exiting.

"Why would it take 5 instruments to play the twilight zone theme?" Harry raised a brow.

"Who knows…" Sirius replied, walking about to the counter. "Anyone here? I'd like to order a…"

"…pizza!" Parvati, appearing out of nowhere, replied.

"Wow, she pulled a Ron!" Harry exclaimed.

"How did you know what I was going to say!?" Sirius asked with wide, bedazzled eyes.

"I'm psychic," Lavender replied with pride. Woaw, try saying that five times fast. Replied with Pride, replied with pride, replied with…I'm done.

"You mean psycho," Harry snickered, nudging the air beside him. "Damn it, no Ron to chuckle at my stupid jokes!"

Poor Harry…poor poor Harry.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After obtaining their food, Harry and Sirius settled themselves at a table. Now, this was not the table Sirius found during his quest, for that table was taken under siege just as Sirius got up to see where Harry was, even though he put his coat on the seat…isn't that always the way.

Sirius glared over at the family who stole their table, stabbing his pizza with his knife. Wow, Snape style.

Harry stayed quiet, silently staring at his god father. Realizing Harry was giving him a strange look Sirius cleared his throat and turned away from the family.

"Come on Harry, eat your pizza. I'll buy you another one once you finish," Sirius urged, pushing Harry's plate closer to him.

It seemed Sirius now had an obsession over Harry's eating habits.

Sirius…obsession…NEVER! Sirius would never be obsessed with ANYTHING! ESPECIALLY a member of Harry's family!

Horrible, prolonged sarcasm, I know. Just had to get my point across…if you don't understand the sarcasm, read the fifth book damn it!

"Sirius, why do you want me to eat so much pizza?" Harry asked as Sirius stuffed a piece into the boy's mouth.

"Where would you get an idea like that?" Sirius asked, pulling his hand away from Harry's mouth slowly.

Harry gave him 'the look'.

"…Well, you know, I feel bad about that whole 'pretending to be dead' thing, and I figure I can fix that with pizza somehow..."

"Oh good, I thought you were trying to fatten me up so you can cook me in your old fashion wood stove," Harry laughed.

Sirius laughed nervously, shoving a cookie cutter into his coat pocket quickly while the camera panned in for a close up of his shifty eyes.

"What was that?" Harry asked.

"What was what?" Sirius coughed suspiciously.

"The camera...where'd it come from?" Harry poked at the camera floating in mid-air at their table.

Just then the waiter came by, stopping at their table and winking noticeably at Sirius. "Anything else I can get you?"

"No, I'm stuf-"

"We'll have another large pizza with extra...everything..." Sirius cut in.

"Will do," the waiter winked at Sirius again and disappeared.

"Umm...I think he likes you," Harry raised an eyebrow at his uncle.

"Shut up and eat," Sirius pounded the table with a fist.

Harry blinked once, his adorable puppy eyes welling up with tears.

"Oh Harry, I'm sorry, don't cry..." Sirius reached over the table and patted his shoulder awkwardly.

"Ever since you didn't die you've become such a f-"

"-OOD!" a streak of red and black otherwise known as Ron Weasley flew toward the table occupied by Harry and Sirius, sitting down in the empty chair and grabbing slices of pizza in both hands.

"Ron, what are you doing here?" Harry asked, raising a brow.

"What, you're allowed to go traipsing off in the middle of the night to go eat pizza wth your dead godfather and I'm not?" Ron glared, his mouth stuffed with pizza.

"Yes…I'm Harry Potter," Harry replied.

"He's right…he IS Harry Potter," Sirius gasped.

Ron had no rebuttal.

"Anyway, now that Ron's here, I was wondering if you knew how Percy ended up being…well…crazy. Not that he wasn't crazy before. But it seems he has Multiple Personality Disorder or something," Harry directed this question at his godfather.

Now, the normal reply would be 'I don't know, I was dead at the time'…but since this is MY screwed up story, well, I don't care if it makes no sense.

"Oh, well from what I've heard he went nuts after losing a bit of paperwork. And that whole Fudge being wrong and proving that Percy is a complete dink thing might have something to do with it too," Sirius shrugged, pointing at Harry's pizza.

Harry sighed and took another bite.

"Wgow tas cragy!" Ron exclaimed, his mouth full of pizza.

Harry thought Ron would've been upset…seeing as they were talking about his brother and all. Oh well.

"Meh, family ties aren't that important anyway," Ron commented.

Wait a second…how did he know what I wrote? YOU LITTLE PUNK! STOP READING MY COMPUTER.

"Ron, who are you talking to?" Harry and Sirius looked around, seeing only gabbing people at their tables.

"No one…" Ron grinned.

That boy's gonna be a problem.

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Thanks to my loyal readers Nic, Venix, Harriet, Clover, and of course Gred Weasley! Also thanks to backsplash, Sirius the homicidal maniac…cool name…galaxysong…I.I, and Mary Jane…also a cool name. Lol.

REVIEW! PLEASE! DON'T MAKE ME CRY! AND FLOOD YOUR NEIGHBOURHOOD! PLEASE!