Author's Notes: Hey! Sorry this took so long! I wanted to get a Christmas chapter up but I was too lazy.
School sucks.
Don't do school, stay in drugs.
I'm now inclined to say I was joking, so people don't get offended.
*whispers* I wasn't joking.
Sooo…here it is. It's very confusing to me…for some reason…I'm in a very psychotic mood tonight. So yeah, if it's so random you feel like you can't breathe then I've done my job.
…or have I?
DUN NA NA!
Ok, that's enough of that.
Happy New Year and all the tripe.
Chapter 12
Star log date 1 and 5 hours till evacuation to the placebo. Sitting beside me is Captain H. She hums…humming I tell you!
I do believe I will not make it to evacuation time. (Note to self: reschedule evacuation time.)
Why must everything smell of cabbage? Headaches…fumes…much too strong…don't know if I will make it…
(Ha! Made you look!)
I feel slightly lost in the lesson…but yet slightly discovered! It all makes sense now…all the words that I speak (or write) are LAW… (Note to self: when I become ruler of all men, make this law).
Class is loud, "nut in bag," that will be law as well!
Harry sat in History of Magic, randomly writing things in his sailor moon diary, cleverly disguised as a hello kitty diary.
Oh Harry, you wacky guy, you.
Hermione leaned over in her seat, glancing at the words he had written in the strange, pink book. "What the hell?" was all she could muster, the confusion debilitating her.
Harry closed the book, hiding it under his History of Magic textbook and blindly staring at the front of the class.
All the children cheered with happiness as the end of the period rolled around, gathering their things and piling out of the classroom.
"Harry Potter!" the voice of Professor McGonagall rang out over the din of the crowd of students, startling our little feathered friend.
Wait…scratch that whole feather thing.
Unless…
…nah.
Harry pushed his way through the crowd towards his Head of House. "Yes Professor? Am I in trouble again?"
"Probably," McGonagall answered. "Thankfully it isn't with me…I'm getting a bit tired of shutting your fingers in my office door."
Harry shivered.
"You're to come with me," she remarked, turning on a heel and walking through the crowd of students, Harry in pursuit.
'Why does everything happen to me?' Harry thought to himself.
Well duh Harry, the book is called 'Harry Potter', not the amazing adventures of Professor Binns.
Although, he was fairly sure he had seen a book like that in Flourish and Blotts.
The horror.
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Harry followed the Professor to her office, the two of them being closely followed by Ron and Hermione.
"BAH!" Harry gasped when he turned and saw them there. "When did you two get here?"
"Oh Harry," Hermione rolled her eyes. "We ALWAYS follow you everywhere," Hermione stated matter-of-factly.
True.
"Now just go in, there is someone waiting for you," Professor McGonagall said, unlocking the door and walking away.
"I bet it's you-know-who!" Ron said excitedly.
"You're an idiot," Hermione commented.
The three children stepped into the room, to be greeted by their one-favorite ex-Professor.
"PROFESSOR LUPIN?" the kids chorused, mouths hanging open.
"…ehlo…" he replied.
"What are you doing here?" Harry asked.
"Well, since Sirius was introduced into the story, I figured I would pop in as well…" he answered. "But I'm supposed to tell you that I'm here to help Harry prepare for something or other."
"I was right!" Harry exclaimed, interrupting.
"…about…?" Hermione raised a brow.
"…Lupin being back! I said that the wood could've meant the Whomping Willow, and that Lupin was back! You were…WRONG!" Harry seemed overjoyed at this.
Hermione rolled her eyes. "You would be right…if you weren't so wrong," Hermione smirked, very Malfoy-like. "I never said he COULDN'T be back, I just pointed out that your claim had nothing to do with the gold. Therefore, I was right and you were wrong."
"Darn," Harry sighed.
"Can someone tell me what the hell you two are talking about?" Lupin finally spoke up.
" Professor," Harry's eyes were wide, "you swore!"
"I like it," Hermione licked her lips in Lupin's direction.
Lupin looked scared.
"Hermione! Don't you know that vampires and werewolves hate each other? Haven't you seen the movie Underworld?" Harry scoffed.
"My cousin told me it sucked," Hermione answered.
"That's not the point," Harry glared.
Lupin was confused as usual. "Who's a vampire? What?"
"Forget it," Harry sighed, longing for the days when vampires and werewolves would be as one.
"As I was saying…" Lupin continued. "I'm here to help you Harry."
"I don't understand why you're always the one to teach me the important lessons…you don't even work here anymore," Harry looked confused.
"Hey man, I just do what I'm told, don't shoot the messenger," Lupin shrugged. He reached into his battered briefcase and expelled a pile of papers, idly flipping through them. "It says here that you've had a minor rash on your bum for a couple of weeks…" Lupin began.
Harry turned bright red. "It's not a rash! I fell!"
Ron shook with silent laughter.
"Oh! So THAT'S why you've been having trouble sitting still in classes," Hermione exclaimed.
"Is there a point to my humiliation?" Harry asked, his face red. "How is this helping me anyway?"
"It's not, I just sayin' is all…" Lupin sat down on a couch conveniently placed behind him, sipping a cup of coffee that was conveniently sitting on a conveniently placed table beside the conveniently placed couch. It was all so convenient. "Now, you've gotten an invitation to Billy Wonks's chocolate factory…" the man furrowed his brows. "That sounds strangely like Willy Won-"
"-ton!" Ron finished.
Lupin blinked. "What was that?"
"Ron's become a censor," Harry answered.
"I've done no such thing," Ron replied, drawing a rectangular box over a McDonald's logo with black marker.
"Anyway, you're gonna be going to this chocolate factory," Lupin continued. "And you gotta have figured there's an 80% chance that this is a trap…"
"Yeah, but I'm supposed to be stubborn," Harry shrugged.
"…and a moron…" Hermione chimed in.
"…and rather dim…" Ron offered.
Harry look dejected.
"Well, my time here is almost up because this chapter is getting too long already, so just know that someday, somewhere, when you least expect it, blah blah blah you're on candid camera, etcetera."
The kids looked thoroughly confused.
"Just go away," Lupin motioned to the door, taking a sip of his convenient coffee of convenience.
The kids said their farewells and made their way out the door.
"He's a lot meaner then I remember," Hermione commented as soon as the door had closed behind them.
"Well, Underworld was a really BAD movie," Harry explained.
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It was lunchtime in the Old Castle…school…thingy…and all the students were seated in the great hall, piling food onto their plates.
At the Gryffindor table best friends Harry Potter and Ron Weasley were discussing refreshing, fruity beverages…
"Fruitopia is a magical drink…why do you think it has such a delightful fruity flavor?" Ron asked.
"…Germans?" Harry replied.
"Well…that is a pretty good explanation…but no, it's magic," Ron shrugged.
"Wow, but I thought we're supposed to keep magic away from muggles? This stuff is all over the non-magical world!" Harry exclaimed.
Ron shrugged again…I think he thinks it makes him look cool and nonchalant…it does. "Muggles like to believe anything good has nothing to do with magic…like snack cakes…and Johnny Depp".
"Johnny Depp is a wizard!?" Harry's jaw dropped.
"Oh yeah…why do you think he can look completely different in every one of his movies?" Ron replied.
"I never thought of that," Harry nodded his head, looking impressed.
Suddenly and without warning (where is that from? Hmm…) Seamus Finnigan came running into the Hall, screaming.
"TROOOOOLL IN THE DUNGEON!" he screeched.
Everyone screamed…including the teachers.
"Naw, I was just screwin' with you," he laughed. "But seriously, I got a Golden Ticket!"
Everyone cheered…including the teachers.
And then he began to sing…
I never thought my
life could be
Anything but catastrophe
But suddenly I begin to see
A bit of good luck for me
'Cause I've got a golden ticket
I've got a golden twinkle in my eye…
"Now you've got something else in your eye!" Draco Malfoy interrupted Seamus's solo, throwing a pop can at his face. His groupies giggled and petted his hair.
Seamus screamed as the pop can got lodged in his eye somehow, flailing his arms and tripping, rolling back out of the Great Hall.
"…you know, the story would've been a lot more accurate if you were the last one to get the ticket after a huge scandal involving some rich foreign guy and a lot of inner turmoil…" Ron pointed out.
Harry shrugged. "I've had enough inner turmoil for a while".
"So, there is more then one person invited to the factory," Hermione pondered.
"Oh no, she's doing that thing again," Ron sighed.
"What thing?" Harry asked.
"You know, that thing where her eyes get all squinty and she strokes her chin kinda," Ron tried to explain.
"Oh, you mean thinking?"
"That's it!" Ron looked triumphant.
"We'll just see who else gets invited to this 'factory'," Hermione whispered, the camera panning in for a close up.
Harry blinked. "I really want to know whose camera that is…"
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The evening meal had just finished and Harry, unable to handle the pressures of being a celebrity and a little gassy from all the free cheese samples he kept hidden under his cloak, was walking along the grounds of Hogwarts, kicking up rocks and looking moody. He heard something coming towards him, sounding almost like a strong wind blowing in his direction.
"What is t-"
His partially asked question was answered as he spotted the blur of black hair rushing towards him.
"Oh HARRY," Cho sobbed, flinging herself onto him. "Why is life so HORRIBLE?!"
Harry tried to ignore her, which was kind of hard considering she was clinging to his waist.
Cho was screaming something about Cedric and line dancing when Neville saved him.
"Yo bizzle, why you trippin'?"
Cho was so confused she actually stopped crying. "Excuse me?"
While the two of them tried to converse Harry slipped away, running back to the castle as fast as his legs would carry him…which wasn't too fast, cause he ran like a girl. Literally. He was wearing heels and everything.
As soon as he flung open the doors to the school, he conveniently spotted Ron and Hermione walking by. How very…
…convenient.
Ron was gazing intently at a small book in his hands, frantically scribbling. Hermione looked annoyed, as usual.
"What's Ron doing?" Harry asked, falling into step beside them.
"My mom sent me a book of Mad Libs she bought from a store in London…Ron's been having fun with it all day," Hermione explained.
"…a squirrel and a ghost dancing to polka?! That doesn't happen! THIS IS CRAZAY!" Ron burst into a fit of giggles.
The other two remained silent for the rest of their journey, whatever that happened to be, listening to Ron giggle and squeal at the Mad Libs he was creating.
"Listen to this one! 'Somewhere over the review, reviewers review, birds review over the review, why then, oh why can't I review," Ron recited.
"What does review mean?" Harry asked.
Ron looked shifty, "nothin'".
He's workin' for me people…obey or I shall smite you.
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"I have an urge," Harry spoke up after a long silence.
Harry and Ron were sitting in their room, staring and sitting and stuff.
"An urge to what?" Ron asked.
"I don't know…it's just…an urge?"
"Well stop it, it's freaking me out," Ron gave Harry a funny look.
"I can't STOP it! It's an urge!" Harry threw his hands up.
"How can you just have an urge? You must know what it's for!" Ron exclaimed.
"But that's just the thing! I don't know why, I just do!"
"Maybe you're hungry," Ron pointed out.
Silence.
"You know…I think that's it," Harry looked impressed.
"You see, it's impossible to have an urge for no reason!" Ron nodded.
"Or is it…?"
Their moment of quiet contemplation was interrupted by a tap-tap-tapping upon the window.
"Who is that tap-tap-tapping upon your window, master potter?" Ron asked.
"I am not certain, Ronald. Do see who it is which tap-tap-taps upon my window at this hour," Harry replied.
"Yes sir," Ronald promptly made his way over to the window, pulling the curtains apart.
"Well? Is there a reason for this tap-tap-tapping upon my window?"
And suddenly, Ron's eyes widened in sheer horror, letting out a blood curdling scream as he jumped back. "Oh my god! Look, Harry! It's…
…ELIJAH WOOD!"
"It's ME you idiot!" Hermione growled, tumbling into the room through the window.
"Or…Hermione…same difference…" Ron shrugged, dragging a chair to the corner of the room and grabbing something out of his schoolbag.
"I just heard Harry! You will NEVER guess who got the third golden ticket!" Hermione said with excitement. "Your COUSIN! Dudley!"
Ron and Harry voiced their anger and confusion.
"How!? He's not even a wizard!" Harry fumed.
"Well, apparently they were looking for a really ugly, fat child to join the group, and he was their first choice!" Hermione explained.
Their conversation was interrupted by the squeals and giggles of Ron. He was sitting in the corner, the Mad Libs book opened on his lap.
"Ron, don't tell me you brought that book again," Harry groaned.
"Listen Harry! Listen! It's hilarious! Mary had a little spoon, it's spoon as white as spoon!" Ron laughed himself into a frenzy.
"Ron, did you just replace every space with 'spoon'?" Hermione raised a brow.
"That's what's so FUNNY Hermione! God, you never understand anything!" Ron patted his stomach heartily.
"He really scares me sometimes," Hermione whispered.
Harry agreed.
"I wonder who else will get picked," Hermione thought out loud.
"I really should get ready for bed," Harry announced, sitting down on the bed. He took off his glasses, reaching for a piece of clothing.
He pulled of the garment to reveal his…
***Nudity***
***Caution***
***Nudity***
***Caution***
***Nudity***
***Caution***
…big toe
Both Hermione and Ron gasped.
"Harry…it's so BIG," Hermione gasped.
"Harry, it's hairy, Harry!" Ron exclaimed.
Harry waggled his toe suggestively, causing Hermione to faint. Ron caught her in his arms, glaring at Harry.
"Harry, I would appreciate it if you didn't flaunt yourself in front of the girl."
"Sorry," Harry shrugged, clipping his toenails.
When Hermione finally came to she staggered to the door, a huge smile plastered on her face. After saying their goodnights she left, leaving Ron to glare at Harry for several moments.
"Stop that," Harry ordered.
Ron hissed, throwing a sock at Harry's head and climbing into his bed, to dream of having such a magnificent toe as Harry's.
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And that's all she wrote…
…he wrote…
…they wrote…
Whatever.
Venix- Step mommy? Nah…*shifty* lol. You know you've made it when people stop doing dishes to read your story. *wipes away tear*
Nic- Ha! You know she loves me more. :P She knows her daddy is much cooler. You must draw woman! Here I am slaving away on my story and you're there actually living life. Damn you!
TheLynx- Mutated chickens? Well I was wondering why my chicken had several claws! I would like a dancing muffin…or a jumping bean. I heard they don't jump…they just kinda hop…damn that false advertising.
FatherFlamebird- Why thank you! And the exchange student SHALL return…patience my young grasshopper.
Harriet- Sobchoke is SO a word…in…Hebrew…and…Canadian…it's a Canadian expression…yeah. And I WILL eat your dog.
Kayti Summers- "Truly great madness cannot be achieved without significant intelligence." *Grin*
Vanyaria Darkshadow- Yes, I am the greatest ever. You know it. That was sarcasm. Lol! Thanks for reviewing! You are now one of the few, the proud…the hungry. Wait, that's me. I'm so hungry.
Dragonfly-child- I love the Goldfish song! "The yummy snack that smiles back until you bite their heads off." *Is now searching for 'I am the Cheese' in his library*
Gred Weasley- LIESSS! ALL LIESSSS! *points* LIESSSSS! And you swore! *gasp* I'm telling! Be ashamed! Shame on you! Etc, etc…thanks for reviewing! Lol!
Thanks for the reviews! You 9 will be spared when my world domination plan comes into play.
Muahaha!
Harry's journal entry was based on something my friend wrote to me, and Chelle helped me out with the window part, lol. Thanks to both of you!
And yes, there was subliminal messaging in this chapter. Don't be surprised if you have the sudden urge to send me large sums of money.
Now, in the spirit of my favorite ff.net author Silver Pheonix25 and her lovely review songs…here is MY review song:
Reviewing is good
Reviewing is great
In a cup or in a plate
Reviewing for me
Reviewing for you
Don't forget the hamsters too…
Thank you Toronto…
That was to the tune of "Nana Nana Boo Boo"…kinda…not really…whatever.
Oh, and if you couldn't tell…I didn't like the movie Underworld very much…lol