UPDATED! WAHOO!

Chapter 13

SIKE!!!

Sorry people, not yet. This is what I like to call a "please don't stone me, it hurtses us so, nice hobbitses" filler note.

Or a: PDSMIHUSNHFN

Setting: A bare, white-walled room, almost blinding to the eye. At first glance the size of it is impossible to tell, almost as if it were circular. The only splash of darkness emanated from the microphone stand in the centre of this strange, circular room.

Suddenly a dark hole appeared in the wall, admitting the klutz-formerly-known-as-Neville Longbottom. He sauntered up to the microphone stand, trying not to trip over his baggy pants, which were now bunched around his ankles. They just get lower and lower every day…crazy teenagers.

Neville tapped on the microphone a couple of times, beat boxing in order to test it out. Once he was satisfied, he began to speak. "Yo buss dis. Whuz up all yall. I be here ta tell you dat Percydude be lazy an' haz not finished de chaptuh yet. Sheeit! Now, he tought if he brung out a favorite charactuh to break it down himself, you wouldn' chase him down de road wit sharp sticks an junk. I tink my wuk be done here. Thank you fa yo monkey ass time. Peace."

In other words: I'll have the next chapter up as soon as humanly possible. I hope my story's good enough to get away with the fact that it's taking me a billion years to write the next chapter.

Probably not…

…meh!

Sincerest regards,

Percydude.

Ps: Thought "sincerest regards" would sound a lot more professional then "Frum yo homie"…

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I kept that up cause I thought it was funny, so there ya go.

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Author's notes:

HOLAY JUICE!

This chapter took me…most of my young life. And it's FREAKING long. Lol. There are even SERIOUS parts, believe it or not. Yeah, it took me so long cause I can't write description for CRAP!

Although why someone would write something for crap I have no idea.

Anyway, so so so so so so so so so so sorry!! I kept trying to write certain parts and my brain would completely blank out.

*Sheepish* Baaaa

BA DA CHH!

*Scratches head* is it bad that even I didn't understand that? Meh

So…I decided to split it into two parts, because it was 23 pages, yikes. This is the first part, and the second part is the one I'm having loads of trouble with.

And now…

COME, WATSON! TO THE STORY!

Oh, and watch out for the new movie "My big, fat, vulgar Italian Wedding"

Coming to a theatre near you!

Psh, I WISH!

***Ps: There's something funky going on with the format, I'll try to fix it***

Chapter 13

A blur of colour could be spotted streaking (No, not THAT kind of streaking) by the mysterious floating camera that seemed to recently take residence in the castle.

Freeze!

Peeves floated, frozen, while captioning appeared on the bottom of the screen.

Peeves the Poltergeist

(Annoyingus Ghostus)

Unfreeze!

Peeves sprang to life again, speeding off-screen

~*~*~*A few feet away*~*~*~

Filch came chasing after the pesky ghost, giant boulder in hand.

Freeze!

Argus Filch

(Nonmagicus Bitterus)

The words appeared under the image of frozen filch, boulder being balanced in his arms.

"Could you hurry it up," Filch muttered out of the corner of his mouth. "This thing is bloody heavy!"

Unfreeze!

The caretaker's limbs unfroze at once, commencing his chasing of the pesky ghost.

Harry Potter and Ronald Weasley sat in lawn chairs nearby, munching on popcorn.

"You know the damn roadrunner's gonna get away, he always does!" Ron heckled, throwing popcorn at nothing in particular.

"Who knows?! Today might be the day!" Harry exclaimed, optimistically.

Hermione silently crept up behind them, baring her sharp fangs.

"Hey Hermione, mind handing me my pop?" Harry asked, holding his hand out. And yes, I said pop, not soda, damn yanks.

"How did you know I was here?" Hermione pouted, picking up the conveniently placed drink and dropping it in his hand.

"I'm Harry Potter, I can do anything," he answered, taking a sip.

"This is incredibly pointless," Ron commented.

"Yeah, let's go break stuff," Harry sighed, getting up and folding his lawn chair.

And that they did.

Makes you wonder what the BAD guys are capable of.

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"I like the fishes cause they're so delicious, gone gold fishin'!" Ron sang, making his gold fish crackers swim around in the air.

Hermione stared at him, unblinking.

"MR. WEASLEY! DO NOT PLAY WITH YOUR FOOD!" Professor McGonagall shouted from the teacher's table, causing Ron to drop his fishies.

The students of Hogwarts had just woken up to an unusually warm, pre-spring's day, and everyone seemed to be in high spirits.

"Fish heads, fish heads, rolly poly fish heads," Ron sang under his breath.

"Why do they even serve gold fish crackers at this time in the morning?" Harry groaned, spooning some more oatmeal into his bowl.

"So what's on the agenda today? Some troll wrestling? Maybe save a world or two?" Ron asked, eyes on his flying cracker fish.

"I was thinking we could sneak into the Slytherin common room and set off dung bombs," Hermione said offhandedly, biting into an apple.

The whole Gyffindor table stopped and stared.

"What? Do I ALWAYS have to be in character?" she glared at them.

Everyone went back to their business.

"Owl post's here," Ron pointed out.

Men in owl suits walked moodily around the Great Hall, handing parcels and letters to the respective recipients. One particularly large man in a brown owl suit made his way up to Harry, carrying a letter.

"Letter for H. Potter," the guy announced in monotone, handing Harry his mail.

Harry took the letter from the man's hand, looking disappointed. "What happened to Bob?"

The owl man looked bored. "He's on vacation." And with that, he trudged out of the hall.

Ron watched the man retreat, wiping away a tear. "Through rain, and sleet, and snow…"

Hermione sighed. "He always gets like this around postal workers."

"Well this is weird," Harry commented, reading his letter. "It's from Lupin. He says we need to have a training session before I go off to the chocolate factory, and I have to meet him in his office later."

"Why would you need training for a Chocolate factory? Is he afraid the demonic chocolate bars are going to attack you?" Ron scoffed.

A loud ruckus from the other side of the Hall caught everyone's attention, the sound of banging and cheering emanating through the room.

"What's going on?" Harry looked confused, trying to see what all the hubbub was about.

Just then Neville burst through the crowd, looking grief-stricken. "GUESS WHO JUST GOT THE FOURTH GOLDEN TICKET!"

"Who?!" Harry, Ron, and Hermione said together.

"DRACO MALFOY!"

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"It's no FAIR!" Harry whined.

The three superhero students were sitting in the Gryffindor Common Room, discussing the finding of the fourth golden ticket.

"Right when I think I'm all special Malfoy comes along and ruins it all! Him and his stupid hair and his stupid pointed face with his stupid endearing smirk," Harry pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"His dad probably BOUGHT Malfoy's way in," Ron pouted as well.

"But Billy Wonks would NEVER go for something like that!" Harry argued.

"You don't know anything about Billy Wonks, Harry," Ron quirked a brow.

"True, true," Harry nodded.

"Well it's obvious who made it possible for Draco to get in," Hermione said.

"Who?" Harry asked, eyes wide.

"Why, Death Eaters of course!" she answered, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Death Eaters? Why Death Eaters?"

"Well duh Harry, Death Eaters are the cause of everything bad that happens. Lose a family member? Death Eaters killed them. Hurt your leg? Death Eaters up to their old tricks again. It doesn't matter if you're a virtually unknown 6th year that has never done anything to bring attention to yourself, the Death Eaters WILL come after you. It's not like they have anything better to do anyway," Hermione explained.

"You know, I never thought about it that way before. But now that someone has actually voiced that thought…it makes so much sense," Harry nodded.

"You see Harry, when in doubt, BLAME THE DEATH EATERS!" Hermione shouted triumphantly.

"Let's all break out into song!" Harry jumped on top of the couch, spreading his arms wide.

The Gryffindors cheered and began to sing. 

Ahhhhhh... 



All this energy callin' me 

Back where it comes from 

It's such a crude attitude 

It's back where it belongs 



All the little chicks with their crimson lips 

Go "Cleveland rocks!", "Cleveland rocks!" 

Livin' in sin with a safety pin 

Go "Cleveland rocks!", "Cleveland rocks!" 

"Cleveland rocks!", "Cleveland rocks!" 

"Cleveland rocks!", "Cleveland rocks!" 

"Cleveland rocks!", "Cleveland rocks!"
 
Seamus walked over to the CD player, being jostled about in the process, turning off the music.
 
The students groaned.
 
"CLEVELAND ROCKS! CLEVELAND R-…hey! Who turned off the music?!" Harry pouted.
 
"What did that song have to do with blaming the Death Eaters?" Seamus asked the angry crowd.
 
"Who cares?! If it's good enough for Drew Carey, it's good enough for us!" Harry exclaimed.
 
"Yeah!" the room yelled in unison, showering Seamus in McDonald's burger wrappings and fry cartons.
 
"Oh God! Oh God!" Ron screamed, running around frantically blocking out all the logos.
 
When the dust cleared, Seamus was standing in a pile of garbage. "Wow…I didn't get severely hurt this time," he said, looking surprised.
 
Oh Seamus, how wrong you are.
 
Seamus then dropped to the floor for no apparent reason, twitching.
 
I'm sorry. I need to let out my frustrations on SOMEONE.
 
"That was strange," Harry raised a brow, looking down on the twitching Seamus from his position on the couch.
 
Ron stared in horror at the shadowy, omnipotent author. "I didn't know you could do that!"
 
I can do anything I want idiot, I'm writing this damn story! Observe…
 
Ron then began to do the chicken dance around the room, screaming 'STAYIN' ALIVE!'
 
"Oh god, make it stop!" Ron screamed, the Gryffindors laughing hysterically at him.
 
Bwahaha!
 
"Okay okay, I'm sorry! Just get on with the story already!" Ron begged, the chicken dance, like so many others before him, making him sob in horror.
 
I think I made my point.
 
"Harry, don't you have another appointment with Lupin today?" Hermione inquired.
 
Harry's eyes widened, he had forgotten all about it. "OH SH-"
 
"-ERLOCK!" Ron finished.
 
Harry and Hermione didn't comment, already used to Ron's censorship ways.
 
"Come Watson!" Harry stood, holding a magnifying glass to his face and racing out of the room, Ron and Hermione in hot pursuit.

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"Come in," Lupin called when Harry knocked upon his door. The three students looked at each other with wide eyes, noting the manic tone in Lupin's voice. Harry turned the knob and pushed the door open, walking into the familiar office.

The trio stood, side-by-side, staring at their favorite Professor.

He was standing in the center of the room, eyes wide, an expression of complete and total rage on his face. Harry had never seen him like this…even when he turned into a werewolf that one time in third year. Something absolutely awful must have happened to get him in this state.

"Professor Lupin…is something…the matter?" Hermione squeaked, voicing what the other two were thinking.

Lupin was breathing heavily, his eyes still following an invisible entity. Finally, he spoke, his voice low and husky. "It's taunting me…waiting…watching…always watching…"

"W-what is, Professor?" Ron breathed.

Lupin continued as if he hadn't heard him. "With those damn little beady eyes…and those WINGS…those confounded WINGS…but I'll get it…"

The three children were speechless.

"AHA!" Lupin exclaimed, raising his wand to Harry's face.

"NO PROFESSOR, NOOOO-" Ron screeched, diving in front of Harry in slow mo.

Still diving…sailing through the air…really slowly…almost there…pausing in mid-air…OH THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

"Sorry," Bob the special effects guy muttered, putting down his coffee and putting the speed back to normal.

"-OOOOO!" Ron finished, knocking Harry out of the way, just as a streak of light hit the wall where he would have been seconds ago.

"DAMN IT!" Lupin roared, throwing his wand to the ground.

"Professor…" Harry squeaked from his position on the ground. "You've joined the…Dark side?"

Professor Lupin looked perplexed. "What on earth are you talking about Harry?"

"You just tried to KILL him!" Hermione bellowed, pointing her wand at Lupin's head.

"…kill h-…OH! No no, I was trying to murder the bane of my existence…the most vile and gruesome creature I've ever come across…" Lupin explained.

"Professor! I know Harry's not exactly Miss. America, but he's got his good points!" Ron patted Harry's shoulder reassuringly.

"Not Harry, you imbecile!" Lupin rolled his eyes.

Ron looked frightened. "What is it then? A gremlin? Lockhart? What?"

Lupin paused for a second, as if the thought of this creature chilled him to the bone. "It's…

…a fly"

DUN DUN DAAAAAAA!

"A fly?"

"A fly! A horrible, annoying FLY! It will NOT leave my office! I've been at it for days!" Lupin looked close to tears.

Hermione slowly lowered her wand.

"You almost killed me over a fly," Harry looked stunned, getting to his feet, and helping Ron up.

"Oh not just any fly…an evil, BEASTLY fly! From the depths of hell itself!" Lupin sighed wearily, plopping down in his chair.

Silence.

Sound of demon fly buzzing around.

Beats those damn crickets any day.

"I'VE GOT IT!" Lupin shouted suddenly, causing the three students to jump. "I'LL USE…THIS!" and Lupin held up a cylindrical can.

"…Sir, that's air freshener," Hermione pointed out.

"EX-ACTLY! IT'LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT IT!" Lupin exclaimed.

Harry rolled his eyes. "Oh yes, perhaps the scent of sea breeze will recall some painful childhood memory and it'll commit suicide…"

Lupin stroked his chin thoughtfully. "You know, I was just thinking that it would get so annoyed with all the spraying in its face that it would leave, but I think I like your idea better!"

"This is heartbreaking," Ron sniffed. It was always saddening to see one of the most respected Professors succumb to the insanity which is associated with the Educational System.

"Yeah, and as with all heartbreaking things, such as poverty and whale hunting, we must ignore it and hope it just goes away!" Harry exclaimed, pumping his fist in the air.

Save the Whales people…save the whales.

After a few tense moments of watching Lupin run around the room spraying and screaming, screaming and spraying, the children decided to leave.

"I'll just…come back later," Harry gave him a nervous smile.

The three students stealthily crept towards the exit to Lupin's office, trying to ignore his screams of agony as he accidentally sprayed himself in the eye with the air freshener.

"He's finally gone mad, just like the rest of them…" Harry sighed.

"It's the curse of the teacher," Ron nodded knowingly, closing the door to the office behind him.

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Harry was wandering along, thinking about demon flies, and pudding pies, and drying eyes, when he noticed something running at him from across the hall.

"BOMB!" he screamed, hitting the floor.

After a few seconds of screaming with his arms over his head, Harry looked up to see a monkey wearing a cape standing over him.

"Harry Potter! There is something of great importance that you must talk to the Headmaster about. It is important, very important, or else the Headmaster would not call you to talk to him about this secret thing of importance. Please go to see him now, or else there will be severe consequences, because the Headmaster said he would like to speak to you about the thing of importance, and you will obey," the mysterious monkey said.

Harry was pretty confused by now. "Who are you?"

"I am Dobby, the house elf, of which you know well," the monkey nodded.

"…You're not Dobby…" Harry blinked a couple of times.

"You are incorrect. I am the house elf Dobby, there is no other, there is only one, and I am him. And since there is only one Dobby, and I am Dobby, I am most certainly the house elf Dobby, and the only house elf Dobby," said the house elf Dobby.

"There are two things wrong with this. One, Dobby is a house elf, as you so eloquently put it. You are a monkey. And two, I don't think Dobby wears his brain in a jar…"

"Well if I am Dobby, and Dobby is me, and we are each other, then Dobby is obviously me. And because I am a monkey, and I wear my brain in a jar, and I am Dobby, and Dobby is me, than obviously Dobby is a monkey and wears his brain in a jar,"

"You know, repeating everything doesn't make it any more believable…" Harry pointed out.

"What are you talking about? I do not repeat what I say, and what I say I do not repeat!"

"You did it again!" Harry exclaimed.

"I would appreciate it if you would not make fun of my natural quirks," Mojo replied.

"What's the point of this part of the story, anyway?" Harry asked.

"Well, the author promised a friend he would add in Mojo Jojo, and I am Mojo Jojo, therefore I am in the story. And furthermore, and in addition, he needed a way to get you to Dumbledore's office, and I am it, so that is why the author added in this part of the story," Mojo concluded.

Harry looked bored. "You take too long to say something that would normally take two words."

"Thank you," Mojo replied, walking off into the sunset.

Harry watched, mesmerized. "I forgot what I was supposed to do…" he whispered to himself.

"DUMBELDORE'S OFFICE!" Mojo screamed offstage.

"Oh yeah…" Harry said, turning on a heel and making his way over to the gargoyle statue barring the Headmaster's office, wondering why teachers always feel the need to talk to him in their office in every chapter.

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Shifty eyes. "Uh, was there a reason you called me, Headmaster?" Harry asked.

"The time has come, the Walrus said, to talk of many things: of shoes and ships and sealing wax, of cabbages and kings. And why the sea is boiling hot, and whether pigs have wings," Dumbledore replied.

Harry stared.

Dumbledore stared.

Harry stared.

Dumbledore stared.

Harry cleared his throat, trying to figure out what was so different about the Headmaster today. Suddenly, it clicked. "…Percy? Is that you?!"

Dumbledore suddenly looked shifty. "…no…"

"Percy, how did you get in Dumbledore's office?" Harry inquired sternly.

"…I am Dumbledore…who is this Percy you speak of?"

"Percy, Dumbledore would obviously know who you are. You DID betray us all in the fifth book," Harry pointed out.

"I DID NOT! I WAS SECRETLY WORKING AGAINST THE MINISTRY CAUSE I'M A REDEEMABLE HERO, DANG NABBIT!" Percy exploded.

"Yeah right," Harry rolled his eyes.

Percy sighed. "Fine, I was just being a jackass…it's those DAMN Flintstones vitamins! They make slaves of us all!"

Sound of demon fly buzzing.

Harry vaguely wondered if it was Lupin's fly…but realized he really didn't give a crap. Isn't that always the way. I'm swearing more than usual in this chapter. It's the pressure, I'll wager. Anyway…

"So, was there an actual reason for calling me here, or did you just want a bigger part in the story?" Harry asked.

"A little of column A, a little of column B," Percy replied. "I just said to myself, I said, 'If you were Dumbledore, what would you do?' and the answer came to me like a bolt of lightning…no offense," Percy gestured to Harry's scar. "…and that answer was… 'Call the protagonist of the story to your office for a chat about important protagonist stuff' and so I did, and here you are. Do you understand me Harry?"

"You're a complete waste of time, Percy," Harry grumbled. "Where's the REAL Dumbledore, anyway?"

Percy shrugged. "He always disappears to a secret location every week or so…nobody knows where he goes or what he does…"

"That's strange," Harry commented, his voice all whispery, as if he was talking to himself and yet he was still speaking out loud. Why do people on TV shows always do that?

"Yes, it is strange," Percy/Dumbledore nodded.

Harry looked abashed. "You're not supposed to hear me! That was an aside!"

"Oh Harry this isn't Shakepeare," Percy smiled arrogantly, patting Harry on the head.

"Argh, you're incorrigible…and STOP RUINING MY HAIR," Harry yelled, knocking his chair backwards and stomping to the door.

"Temper temper…maybe that's why Dumbledore keeps leaving, you hurt his feelings when you beat the crap out of his office last year," Percy tutted.

"I WAS IN PAIN!" Harry tried to redeem his former nice-guy status.

"Yeah right," Percy grinned, using Harry's words against him.

Buuuurn.

"Anyway, Lupin wants to see you at the room of requirement…I trust you know how to get in there…he mentioned something about you leaving his office without having your lesson," Percy raised a brow.

"Why is Lupin telling you things about me?" Harry grumbled.

"Because I'm the Headmaster," Percy looked at Harry over the rims of his half-moon spectacles.

"This school is just too creepy," Harry muttered, letting himself out.

Percy smiled to himself. "Now if I can only think of something clever to say before this part of the story ends…"

Silence.

"…got nothing."

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And now it's time for one of Harry's inner conflicts.

(Brought to you by The Olive Garden…it's like walking into the kitchen of a delightful Italian Stereotype!)

"I'm sick and tired of having these damn meetings with these damn teachers!" Harry ranted, pacing and gesturing madly. "Just because I'm heroic and rather good-looking doesn't mean I'm any different from anyone else!"

He stopped for a moment, stroking his chin.

 "To go, or not to go…that is the question…" Harry sighed. "Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer t- OW!" Harry's extremely overused Hamlet soliloquy was interrupted as a random skull fell from the sky and onto his foot. "WHO THREW THAT?"

Hermione's head appeared amongst the beams atop the stage. "You forgot the skull! And the skull is OBVIOUSLY important…or else you wouldn't see all the Hamlet rip-offs holding it! DUH Harry! Work with me here!"

Harry picked up the skull, looking at it closely. "But it's so…yucky…" Harry wrinkled his nose. "I WILL NOT WORK UNDER THESE CONDITIONS!" he huffed, throwing the skull to the floor and tromping off-stage.

"That was horrific," Simon's British accent washed over the room. "That was almost as bad as the 'she bangs' guy that everyone is raving about!"

"Yeah dawg, that was pretty messed up," Neville, filling in for Randy, added. Not like there's much of a difference anyway.

"Well I'm supposed to be the nice one so I'll just sit here and smile," Paula batted her eyelashes prettily.

"Umm…I'm…uh…Canadian…" Zack Werner piped up, looking hopeful.

The other judges looked at him confusedly.

"Uh…who are you?" Paula blinked.

"I'm from Canadian Idol," Zack explained.

"Oh, well you don't matter then," Simon commented.

"You guys do realize there's no one on stage, right?" Hermione yelled down from her position above the stage.

"Well, send in the next contestant, dawg!" Neville, trying to imitate Randy, called.

"This is NOT American OR Canadian Idol! Why are you guys even here?!"

"We were told Warner Brothers was having a "Potter Idol" in order to sell more merchandise," Paula explained.

At this, Harry stomped back on stage. "RON! HAVE YOU BEEN TRYING TO MARKET ME AGAIN?!"

"It was Giggles!" Ron whined from his seat at the back of the theatre.

"You can't blame everything on the invisible elf! It's just not right!" Harry growled, kicking the skull for good measure and "accidentally" hitting Simon in the face.

"This is ridiculous. I'm going to the pet shop to torture small animals!" Simon cried, running out.

Giggle.

Ron whispered ferociously at the little invisible elf. "Where are you, you DEMON?! Come out and show yourself!"

Giggle.

"I'll never give up the whistle! NEVER!!!!" Ron proclaimed, jumping up from his seat and running out of the room.

"We'll see about that..." Giggles giggled, in her giggly way, and disappeared.

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"The Olive Garden…it's like walking into the kitchen of a delightful Italian Stereotype!" –Clone High

And yes, I am aware that Yorick's skull is NOT used in the "To be or not to be" soliloquy, but people on TV always use it then…and TV is always right.

Okay, the second part of the chapter (I'll just name it chapter 14) will be up tomorrow…hopefully…lol…along with my shout outs to my reviewers :)

Now I know why they say 13 is an unlucky number!