Yup, another update, and so soon, too! Sometimes I even surprise myself! lol! So, I struggled through another chapter of thinking like an 11 year old boy! I hope it isn't too crappy. I'm always so worried with this story, because I really like it and I want it to turn out really well, and also because I'm not used to writing this way. Thanks to everyone who reviewed last chapter and also those who are reading and posting comments on Live Journal. I love you all:) Thanks so much! I hope you enjoy chapter two...

"Ugh!" Mumbling under my breath, I toss another packet of papers across the room, biting my lip as I watch the notes scatter all over the floor. "Dammit!" Frustrated, I clench my fist until it glows red. Why can't I concentrate today?

I stare down at dad's book, hoping to find something useful. 'It'd be the only good thing he ever did for us.' But the words are too difficult for me. All I see are sloppy formulas and scribbled codes. But I have to understand. I have to find a way to bring mom back. We need her!

I'm trying really hard to take care of Al, but everything is so confusing! Every night he crawls into my bed and snuggles against me, and I let him do it. I even look forward to it! When he touches me, it seems like my chest is on fire, and I start wanting to feel like that all the time. I like it, much more than I should. Sometimes, when I think about him, weird things happen to my body, and I get so embarrassed that I can't stand to look at him anymore. And, the worst part is, he doesn't understand at all.

I feel sick. 'He's my brother!' Screaming, I kick a heavy notebook at the wall. 'I'm supposed to take care of him, but I'm just messing things up! This isn't what mom wanted!' Winry once told me that moms watch over their children even after they are dead. Does that mean mom can see me right now? Does she know what I want to do when I feel Al's breath against my neck? "No! No! She can't!"

"Niisan?" The door squeaks open. As Al hurries into the room, I kick myself for being so loud. He stops, scanning the piles of books and looking at me with questioning eyes. "Niisan, what are you doing?" His smile disappears as he reaches to touch my arm. "Are you OK?"

I feel my cheeks heat up as he brushes my skin. "Al?" I tingle all over, just like the time I accidentally touched Auntie Pinako's electric wires. But this doesn't hurt. No, it makes my stomach bounce and leaves me hoping for more. But I can't have more. I just can't. "I'm fine!" I'm surprised at how angry my voice sounds as I pull away. "Don't worry about it!"

"Niisan?" His eyes well up with concern. "Niisan, it looks like you're crying!"

"Huh?" I hadn't even noticed. I hide my face in my hands, trying to dry my cheeks before he asks any more questions. "No, I'm fine. I'm just tired, that's all."

He slides one hand down my back. "I'm sorry, I, I think I made you mad, but I don't know why." Offering a shy hug, he doesn't seem to notice the way I shiver under his touch. "If you tell me what I did to make you sad, I'll make it better, I promise."

You're sorry? No, Al, I should be the one saying that! I'm the bad person, not you. You aren't gross like me. "I'm not mad at you," I shrug, forcing myself to relax. "I'm just thinking about a lot of things, OK? Don't worry about it."

Al glances towards one of the open books. "You're thinking about dad, aren't you, Niisan?" His face suddenly becomes serious. "Me too. I've been hoping that maybe-."

"Don't say that!" I cut him off, angry that he would even mention dad right now. It's dad's fault that mom is dead. If he hadn't left, he could've helped her, and we would still have a family. But he doesn't care. "He doesn't care about us at all! You know that, Al. It's his fault she's gone! It's all his fault!"

Al's lips starts to quiver. "But, Niisan! Maybe he really needed to go away. You shouldn't be so mad at him all the time." Hiding his face in his hands, he avoids my gaze. "I'm sure he still loves us."

My heart clenches. "You don't even know him, Al! You don't know what you're talking about!" Snatching a journal from the floor, I stare at it, gritting my teeth as I imagine dad's face. I remember seeing mom, sitting in her room and staring at our family picture. She must have been so lonely! How could he do something like that to her? He must be a horrible person. I hate him! "He made mom cry, Al! She missed him so much!"

"But if she loved him," he steps forward, wiping his fingers across his eyes, "he must be a good person, right?" His voice drops as he rests one hand on my shoulder. But this time I don't like the contact at all, because it makes me even more frustrated. My stomach churns as I feel myself react to him. Al continues, ignoring the glare on my face. "Maybe you should try writing another letter. If he knew what happened to her, I'm sure he'd come back." He offers a fake smile. "Then we could have a family again, and things would be much easier for you, Niisan!"

'Write another letter?' I dig my nails into the leather binding, feeling my whole body tense up. "It's my job to take care of you! I promised mom!" Why can't he see? Dad won't help. He didn't care about mom back then, and he doesn't care about us now. We don't matter anymore. My eyes blur with tears. Raising my hand, I toss the book through the air, hardly believing myself as I watch it crash into Al's face. "We don't matter!"

His eyes widen. "Niisan?" He stares at me, frozen in place. "Why-?"

I watch his shoulders tremble, trying to look away as he sobs. It feels like someone is kicking me in the chest over and over again. And I deserve it. I made my brother cry. I made him hurt when I'm supposed to be taking care of him. I'm so stupid! "Al," I clench my fist. "Al, I'm-."

"Why don't you ever listen to me, Niisan?" He chokes out, shivering. "You never ever listen to me!" Grabbing the journal, he glares, returning my action by tossing it at my head. "I was just trying to help!" His face scrunches up, and his shoulders quiver. He gives me one last, painful stare before running into the hall. "Why do you always act like I'm so stupid?"

I don't care about being a big boy anymore. "Al?" Tears fill my eyes, and, as I reach to dry them, my fingers meet something warm and sticky. Blood. I try to clean it, but that makes it sting even worse. I remember the time I tried to pick up a stray cat and take it home, but ended up with scratches all over my face. Even though I was trying to be nice, I got hurt. This is just like that, but worse. Much worse.

I watch his back disappear out the door, shocked by his words. My cheek throbs, but inside I hurt even more. I can't believe he thinks that! Of course I don't say he's stupid. I love him! I just want to be a good big brother and take care of him. I try to do what's best because I don't want him to get hurt. But he just doesn't understand at all. "Al?"

'Come on, Al. Where are you?' Staring out the window, I watch the sun disappear behind mom's vegetable garden. Al has been missing for hours. I keep expecting him to swing open the door and tell me he's sorry for ever thinking dad would help us. Every time I hear the gate creak outside, I expect it to be him, but when I go to look he's not there. My stomach growls. The food Auntie Pinako left us is getting cold, but I just can't start dinner without him. Mom always waited for us to come home. She wouldn't want him to eat alone! 'He'll be back. He never stays mad for long.'

I feel like there's a massive weight in my throat, making it hard for me to swallow my tears. Glaring at the wall, I notice a picture of Al and I when we were younger. We're smiling, maybe because we haven't seen how scary life can be. Or maybe we're smiling because we're together. Studying his cheerful face, I can't stay mad. We've always been so happy together. Sure, we've had our fights, but not like this. I shouldn't have treated him so badly, not when he's already in so much pain. I must have really hurt him. I didn't mean to, but it happened. It was my fault, not his. I made another stupid mistake, and now I have to fix it.

Making up my mind, I snatch my coat and throw it around my shoulders, dashing out the door. It's cold tonight. Too cold. A gust of wind blows against my face, and my eyes start to water. Sniffling, I bite my lip, trying to hide my face in my collar.

'Where's he hiding?' I tremble, wishing I could be back in my bed, buried under a pile of blankets. But it wouldn't be the same without Al. As I imagine his body snuggled against mine, I can almost feel my chest getting warm. Suddenly, everything seems much better. I shouldn't want this, but I do. I need to be close to him. I love him so much.

Running down the dirt road, I scan the area, half-expecting to find him behind every tree and bush. 'I love him?' I wonder, my head spinning as all my fears come back to me. Of course I love him, I mean, he's my little brother. I try to reason with myself, but I know I'm lying. This is different. Brothers don't need each other like I need him. There really must be something wrong with me.

Coming to the end of the path, I stop, staring at the stream in front of me. "Al?" A familiar figure sits on the bank, hunched over a pile of rocks. His shoulders quiver as he rests his head on his knees. I feel my heart skip in my chest. "Al! What are you doing?"

"Niisan?" He whirls around, jumping to his feet and clenching his hands into fists. His eyes glitter, and, even though the sun is almost down, I can see he's crying. I hate it when he cries.

Swallowing the lump in my throat, I stare at my feet. I can't look at him. It makes me sick to my stomach, because I know it's my fault he's so sad. It's my fault. "I, I'm sorry," I whisper in a squeaky voice. I've never had a problem talking to him before, but for some reason I can't find the right words to say. I hug my arms to my body. "I,I don't think you're stupid." Is that the best I can do?

His face softens. "Niisan?" he wipes his nose on the back of his hand, giving me a tiny smile. "It's OK, it's OK!" Hurrying towards me, he crashes into my chest, knocking us both to the ground. "I shouldn't have asked you to do that. I," he clutches my waist, shivering into my heavy jacket. "I know you don't like talking to dad, but I thought it might be the only way. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that. I'm sorry, Niisan! I'm sorry."

My eyes widen as we hit the grass. He squirms on top of me, burying his face in my neck and sliding his hands across my back. I can't breathe. "I just don't want you to get hurt," I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to focus on anything other than what Al's doing to me. I shiver, but not because I feel cold. I'm scared. Scared of the things I'm hoping for. "I don't want him to make you cry like he did to mom." His hair tickles my cheek. My body starts to react, leaving me with a bouncy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Blushing, I immediately shift my legs, rolling him off of me and onto the ground beside me. 'Oh, please, please don't notice!' My face heats up. "I'm trying to take care of you, but I'm doing a really bad job, I guess."

"No, you aren't," he doesn't seem to see me as I pull my jacket tighter around my waist. "I'm so happy you're taking care of me. You're nice, and you help me when I'm really sad and when I, well, when I start missing her a lot." He shrugs, looking at the dirt. He's crying again. "I hope we're always together, Niisan. If you ever left I'd," he sniffs, wiping his face on his shirt, "I'd be so lonely. I need you."

"I'll always be here, I promise," I choke, realizing that mom told us the exact same thing before she died. I can hear her voice in my head, feel her holding me and telling me that everything turn out OK for us. She just can't be gone. She promised us. "And I'll bring her back, too. Then we'll be together again, all of us. She told us she'd always be here, remember? We can do it, Al. We can bring her back."

His eyes light up. "I know you can, Niisan. You're so smart." Curling up against my arm, he smiles. Really smiles. He hasn't looked this happy in such a long time. "And I'll help you. I'll try my best to learn, I promise. Then it will be the same as before, right?"

Now I have to do it. For him. "Yeah," I return his grin, feeling my chest warm as I imagine how delighted he will look when I finally bring her back to us. He won't have to stay up all night anymore, crying and asking me why she had to leave us. We can go back to being a happy family, and maybe then all my strange feelings for Al will go away for good. Everything will be normal again. "It will be just like it used to be."

He jolts up suddenly, staring at me with wide eyes. "Niisan, did I do that?" He leans over my face, running his fingers down my cheek, his voice cracking with renewed tears. "Oh no! I'm sorry!"

"Nah, it's OK," I shrug to myself, turning away in hopes of hiding the scratch. "I deserved it."

"No, it's not OK. Mom wouldn't want us to fight like that. She always got so sad when we hurt each other, remember?" He slips one finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. I like the way his hand feels on my face. It's so soft and warm, and I can't help but smile again. My skin tingles slightly at the contact, and I know that I'm turning bright red. But he doesn't stop. "I'll make it better." Dropping his head, he presses his lips against the swollen cut.

My heart feels like it's going to explode. Losing control of my body, I can't stop my hands from tangling in his hair. He's so close to me now. My stomach clenches. He's kissing me. I can't believe this. He's actually kissing my cheek. What's going on? 'Why? Could he possibly-? No, he isn't weird like me. I must be dreaming. This can't be true!'

"There!" He pulls away almost immediately, giving me a proud grin. "Now it's all better! Just like mom used to do!" As soon as his lips are gone, I miss them. My face feels like ice. I shiver, trying to catch my breath as I touch the wound. It's still wet from his kiss. I need him to do it again, I need to feel that strange tug in the pit of my chest. But I know I can't ask for it. I can't ask him to do things I know we shouldn't do. I have to be a good big brother. He continues, apparently not seeing how shocked I am. "Now that mom's gone, I want to take care of you, Niisan. I need to make sure that you're happy, too, OK? Mom would have liked that. That way, when she gets back, she'll be really proud of us for getting along."

I nod, not really hearing his words. He's only doing what mom used to do, so why does it feel so different now? Why am I acting like this? I try so hard to ignore my feelings, but I just can't. I don't understand. It feels like I'm losing control of everything in my life. I don't know who I am anymore. Rising to my feet, I avoid his gaze, afraid that if I look at him I might do something that I'll regret forever. "Hey, dinner's getting cold. We better get home." I turn away, biting my lip as I hear him running after me. He trusts me so much, but if he knew what I dream about whenever he's close to me, he'd probably hate me forever. And I'd deserve it. I'd deserve it for ever hoping he might return my feelings. I'd deserve it, because deep down inside I want him to be gross like me.

"I'm disgusting," I mutter under my breath, not really caring if he hears me. 'But I'll bring her to you, I promise, Al. I'll bring her back so you don't have to deal with me anymore.'