Wow, everyone...sorry it took me so long to update. I've kind of switched most of my fan fiction writing to my livejournal account, because I like uncommon pairings, mostly Homunculi-centric, and there just doesn't seem to be an audience for them here. If anyone is actually interested in my other pieces, just tell me and I'll consider posting them here. As for this story, I had a really hard time writing it, and it didn't get as smutty as I intended. I hope everyone likes it, anyways. >.>
"What does this have to do with alchemy?" I kick my feet in the sticky sand, glaring at the ground as tears swim before my eyes. The island sun burns the back of my head, and I cringe slightly as my stomach screams for something to eat. I try to ignore it. Sniffling, I rub my face, willing the tiny droplets to disappear. I can't let Al see me so scared. Not when I should be taking care of him.
I hear footsteps behind me. "Niisan? Are you mad?" He grabs my shoulder, and I flinch away at the contact. His skin burns against mine, but I'm still shivering, even though it doesn't make any sense. The feeling of him trembling against my body makes my stomach ball up inside my chest. I know I need to turn around and comfort him, but I'm so scared. Scared of these disgusting thoughts swimming around in my head. This monster that's controlling my body. "Niisan?" He continues to plead, shoving a handful of muddy fish bones into my fingers. They feel slimy against my dry skin. "I didn't mean to lose the food! I promise! Please don't be mad at me, Niisan!"
He always does this to me. "It's OK," I whisper, clamping my arms to my waist protectively. His little voice makes my heart jump slightly, and it squirms in my chest like a mouse caught in one of Auntie's traps as I start to think about reaching for him. But I know I can't touch him. It's just wrong. I dry my eyes on my shirt sleeve, not really caring as sand hangs onto my clumpy lashes. It burns and itches, but it doesn't really matter anymore. Turning around, I force a fake smile. "It's OK. Let's just find something else."
He rewards me with a tiny smile. I'm so glad to make him happy. I really am. I know that it's a lie. There really can't be any more food left on this stupid island, but I have to keep hoping. For him. I'm so tired, tired enough that sometimes I feel like I could fall over and never get up again. And the scary thing is, it doesn't sound like such a bad idea at all. Maybe my mind has shriveled up completely. The sun makes me dizzy, and it seems like there are little rocks buried in my head. But I still keep trying. Because I promised Al we would make it through this.
I stare blankly ahead, trying not to focus too hard on the forest in front of me. It looks like it has a life of its own, like one big monster squirming with tiny hands and legs, just waiting to snatch me away when I'm not expecting it. I think back to sensei's warnings about wild animals, and I can't help but groan, clenching my fists until the nails scratch my palms. I watch Al pace slowly forward, pausing in front of me as the sun starts to disappear behind the bushy plants. "Maybe, um, maybe," he giggles to himself, giving me a gentle smile. "I'm not really feeling that hungry anymore, I don't think," his gaze whirls to a particularly-shadowy group of trees. "Is it OK if we just sleep here for the night, Niisan?" He gestures towards a clump of leaves. I think we might've rested here before, but I'm just not sure. Everything looks the same here, especially in the dark.
"Yeah, sure," I shrug, hoping I don't sound too relieved. If this island is a bad dream during the day, it is a nightmare after the sun goes down. It seems to quiver around us, closing in as we try our best to get some rest. Every night I force my eyes closed, pretending I am somewhere nice, like in my own bed back at home, nestled under a pile of blankets and pillows. Talking to Al late into the night. But thinking about that brings even worse thoughts into my mind. The bad things I've sworn not to think about. And when I start thinking about that, the dreams come back and I wake up in a puddle of sweat, promising my brother that I'm really OK. But I'm not OK. No normal person would be thinking this way.
"Niisan?" His grey eyes widen with concern as he falls down on top of the withering plants. "Is something wrong?"
I bite my lips, nodding softly. Joining him, I make sure to lie down as far away as possible from his body, knowing that if I get to close the dreams will come back and I'll only end up hurting him. I play with the hem of my shirt, trying to ignore the way my heart seems to be falling forever in my chest. I'm always so afraid. Afraid of this forest, and of starving to death and dying. Afraid of the way my body is changing. But mostly just afraid of myself. "It's OK, Al. Don't worry." He's scooting closer, but I immediately pull away. I can't get too close. I can't hurt him any more than I already have. "Good night, Al."
"Niisan?" My brother's voice sneaks into my mind, shaking me from my fitful sleep. At first I'm not sure if I'm dreaming or not, but I decide that the ground wouldn't feel so hard on my back if I were still asleep. I sigh, straining to make out his silhouette in the darkness. Shivering, I hug my arms to my shoulders, rolling over to study Al's worried face. He sees me and offers a tiny smile. "Can you come over here?"
"What?" I really must be dreaming. I rub my face, hoping to clear the grogginess from my thoughts. "Why?" I jolt, curling up into a protective ball. He can't be asking this of me. Not again. Not after what happened at sensei's house. It just isn't right. He has to know what's going on by now! Why's he doing this to me? "Al?"
"I," I hear the leaves shuffle, trying not to watch as he crawls closer. I can't believe my heart is pounding so loudly! I'm almost afraid he'll hear it. I bring my knees to my chest, curling up as I stare at the sky. Al, why don't you understand? This isn't good. This isn't good at all! "I, I, Niisan?" His voice quivers slightly, and I feel something jerk at my stomach. Is he…crying? What's going on? "Niisan, I, I'm sorry if I did anything to make you mad-."
"Why would you think that?" I hurry to answer, finally finding the strength to meet his teary-eyed stare. I see his lips shake as he hides his face in his dusty palms. I can't believe this. I'm just trying to help him. Why's he acting so upset? "Of course I'm not mad at you, Al." I couldn't be mad at him when I care about him so much. But I try not to think about that, because it makes my face burn uncomfortably. "Did I do anything that made you think I was?"
He stops a few feet away from me, glancing down at his hands. "I, um, well," he coughs. Is he blushing? A tiny voice floats through my mind, whispering about marriage and love and all the things I should never ever think about. He said all that to me, that night at sensei's house. He said he wanted to marry me. But he just doesn't get it. He couldn't have really meant it. He's just too young to understand. "It just seemed like, well," he falls backwards, sitting down and drawing his knees to his chin, "since that one time, well, I was afraid you were ignoring me."
"Oh," he's confirming my worst fears. Did he really mean it? Impossible. But just hearing him talk about that night proves that it really did happen, and I don't like to think about that. Just trying to keep myself from gasping makes my lungs freeze uncomfortably. I squeeze my eyes shut as he lays down beside me, too scared to do anything but fight for air. I squirm against the rocky ground. "No, I wasn't ignoring you," I whisper under my breath, though I'm afraid it's a lie. Was I really avoiding my brother? I think I might've been. Even though I was trying to help, I was pulling away. I guess that wasn't a very nice thing for me to do to him. "I mean," I bite my lip, turning towards him as I muster a cheery smile; "I wasn't trying to."
"Niisan?" I jolt as he pushes against my side, biting my lip as I feel my skin heat up at his touch. No. No. No. This is not the right time to be thinking like this! Rolling over, I meet his stare, cringing as I notice the tears rolling down his face. He looks so helpless: just like that night after mom's funeral. But this time I know it's my fault, and I have no idea what I can do to help him. "What's wrong with you lately?" His voice cracks and he hides his mouth behind his hand. "After mom, well, you were so nice to me, and you always made me feel so much better. But now you keep treating me like you're afraid. Like I did something really bad and now you don't want to be around me. What's going on?"
"Al, really," I can't help myself. I have to reach for him. My fingers clench around his shoulders, keeping him away from my chest but still trying to hold him. I feel my stomach churning. I really didn't mean for it to turn out this way! "You know it isn't like that. I mean, there's nothing wrong. You didn't-."
"If I didn't do anything wrong, why are you acting so weird?" His tone has changed. Now he looks determined, forceful, and even angry. Watching his eyes narrow, I look away, afraid of how much I've hurt him. Why did this all go so terribly wrong? I didn't mean for this to happen, I swear. He shakes off my touch, instead wrapping his arms tightly around my waist. "Remember how we used to lie in bed like this, Niisan? But not anymore! Some nights I'm so scared on this island that I can't even fall asleep. And I know you won't comfort me or keep me safe anymore. But I just want to know why."
He shudders against my chest, squirming. Suddenly my heart starts to pound even faster. My pants tighten at his embrace. No, not now! I'm horrified as I feel my body reacting to him, my cheeks burning in response. I try to throw him off, but it's too late. He's already felt it. Offering a teary smile, he glances down between us, his cheeks glowing crimson. "You know," he whispers, taking a deep breath as he smears the tears across his cheek. "I really meant what I told you at sensei's house."
"Ah, Al," I'm practically chewing my tongue to pieces as I stare up at the cloudy sky. This just can't be happening. He's on top of me, smiling and blushing and reminding me of everything I've tried so hard to forget. I just can't take it. My head is pounding; the forest is spinning around and around as I feel myself starting to get nauseous. What if I threw up? Maybe he'd get off of me then. No, that would just be gross. And then he'd worry about me even more. No, I have to pull myself together. Finally catching my breath, I jam my knees together, squirming uncomfortably. "Let's, let's," I shift, accidentally smashing my shoulder against a pointy rock. But I can't even feel the pain anymore. I've gone completely numb. "Let's just forget about it, OK?"
He releases me, sitting up slowly and staring at me with wide eyes. I can't meet his gaze. Shivering slightly, I already miss his touch, but I know it's wrong. It's just so wrong. But, if it is, why do I want it so badly? "Niisan," I can barely hear him as he hides his face in his hands. My hands shake as I clench them into angry fists at my sides. They shouldn't be longing to touch him like this. Why can't I control myself anymore?
He sniffs, studying my face with shy fascination. "Niisan, please," His hands reach for my face. I should pull away and tell him to stop, but I just can't. His little fingers feel like fire against my skin, trembling clumsily as they slide across my cheek. My stomach bounces, maybe out of fear, or…pleasure? Maybe both. But I really hope not. "Please", he sighs, his voice sounding strained and confused. "Let's just go back to the way things used to be, OK? I don't want you to be afraid of me anymore, Niisan. Without you, I, I don't know what I'd do."
My insides feel like they're melting. His words keep playing over and over in my mind. He really does love me. The very thought makes me feel all cozy, like I'm bundled up under a nice warm blanket rather than lying across a bunch of dusty leaves. I don't want to like it, but I do. It's comforting to know that, even though I've hurt him and don't deserve it, he still cares about me. It's a wonderful feeling. Suddenly, I forget I'm supposed to hate his touches, instead reaching one hand to stroke his arm. His skin feels so incredibly soft. Sandy, but still soft. For some reason I've lost the energy for protest. "Al, it's, it's OK."
Never breaking eye contact, he slides closer, leaning forward until I feel his breath tickling my face. What's he doing? My breath catches in my throat as he reaches one arm to encircle my waist. Why is this happening? And why does it feel so wonderful? Heat races between my legs. The pit of my chest feels warm and relaxed, inviting the contact between us and begging for more. My body won't move. "Al, what's-?"
"Shh, Niisan," he presses one finger to my lips, and the contact makes me dizzy and weak. I'm melting into the ground, trying to catch my breath as something sharp tugs at my stomach. He's getting closer. Our foreheads press together, and I let my eyes slide closed. What-?
Suddenly, my mind screams out to me. "Al, what?" I screech a little too loudly, giving him a light push and watching him roll off of me. I feel freezing without his body nestled beside me, but I also realize it's for the best. The thought of touching him and hurting him with my sickness makes me feel even worse than the thought of being alone. "Just, just stop!"
I watch his watery eyes swell, watch his chapped lips turn down into an injured frown. His gaze travels down my body. His cheeks glow like a piece of coal in Auntie's fire as he opens his mouth to speak. "You know, I, well, Niisan," he turns over onto his belly, pressing his face into the dirt. My head is pounding as I try to take a deep breath, hoping to keep calm as I wait to hear what he's trying to say. "I, I, well," Al continues to stutter, his words muffled by the sand. "I know what happened to you at sensei's house."
"What? Al?" I roll over, needing to get away. My arms and legs feel like they aren't even there. I'm so heavy, and I just keep shaking and shaking. I clench my hands into a fist, trying to stay strong as my stomach goes into spasms. "Just forget it, Al," I groan, fighting the tears from my voice. I don't mean to sound so harsh, but I can't stop my tone from rising. Fear is pounding in my head, sending me into a panic, and I just can't stop. "Just forget it!"
"Why, Niisan?" He's hysterical now, but I know I can't reach for him. Even if I promised mom I would take care of him, I have to let him go. I'll just hurt him more if I try to be a good big brother. I'm just a failure. "Niisan, please." He shakes my shoulders, pressing his face against my back and wetting my shirt sleeve. "I'm so scared and lonely here, Niisan. Please, please don't ignore me. You're the only family I have!"
"We'll bring mom back, Al," I swallow hard, trying to steady the trembling in my chest. "Then you won't need me anymore."
"What are you saying?" He gasps loudly, wrapping me in a desperate hug. I feel like I'm being smothered. Like I'm choking and burning up all at once. He just can't care about me like this. Not after he found out what a monster I am. Please stop lying. Please stop this, Al. "Niisan," he pulls me against his chest, whispering into my neck. "I don't want you to go away. I love you, Niisan. You used to be so nice to me. You always took care of me, and held me when I was scared. I don't want that to go away. I, I love you."
"Well, you shouldn't." I just wish I could go back and erase everything. I wish I could block everything out. Maybe if I fell asleep forever I'd be able to forget this dirty feeling crawling on my skin. I tense up, needing to shake him off: needing to shake off everything. "If you really knew-."
"I do know, Niisan! I really do!" My skin turns to ice, like slimy little frog fingers are crawling up my back. His words are clenching my heart and ripping it apart in my chest. I think I'm going to be sick. "I had a dream about you a few nights ago," he continues, taking a jagged breath. "I feel the same way you do. Why don't you understand? I just, I just," a fresh batch of tears fill his gaze, drizzling down his flushed face. "What if we never get off this island? I just didn't want to, well, you know, without telling you. That's all."
I'm stunned. Stunned by his honesty, and the pain coursing through his words. I'm really hurting him. But I'm trying so hard to do the right thing. I really am trying my best! How could I mess everything up like this? "Al," sitting up, I make a decision. It might not be the right thing to do, but I have to do it, anyways. I can't keep making him cry like this. I can't reject my own brother, even if the thoughts in my head are so disgusting and wrong. He needs me to be here for him and to comfort him. Not because I promised mom I would, but because I promised myself. "Al," I whisper, reaching a hand to brush the tears from his eyes. His skin is warm and inviting, not at all like my clammy hands and feet. My pulse quickens. "Al, I'm, I'm really sorry. I, I just wanted to be a good brother. I was trying my best!"
He attempts a brave smile, placing one shaky hand on my shoulder. "I know, Niisan." He's biting his lip, searching my face as he moves closer once more. "You think it's a bad thing, but mom said that love is never wrong, remember? I, I really think it's OK, I mean, if that's how you feel." I stay silent, nodding my head automatically as I stare into his warm eyes. He really is beautiful. Even now. Even though his hair is covered with sand and dark lines streak his face. I still love him, even now. Even though I know it's wrong, I still love him. "I," he sighs slightly, his gaze darting towards the ground. "If I, well," he shudders, the words tumbling from his mouth in a halted jumble. "If I, um, kissed you right now, would you get mad?"
My heat stops. I can't say anything. Images and feelings that I've tried so hard to chase away suddenly flood my mind. I remember the dream, and the way he felt squirming against me in bed. I remember the way his finger felt against my lips, imagining what it would be like if it had been his tongue, instead. My whole body feels so weird, like it's tingly and jumpy all at once. I can't find any sound in the back of my throat, only managing to shake my head gently and splay one hand across the back of his neck. Oh, Al, I'm sorry if this is wrong, but I can't stop now. You've tempted me, and now my strength is gone. And it doesn't feel so terrible after all. "You can," I manage to croak, scooting closer. "If you want."
I squeeze my eyes shut, expecting him to move. But for some reason we both freeze, inches apart, trying to catch our breath. My stomach falls, churning with fear as I attempt to swallow the lump in my throat. What are we supposed to do? Suddenly, he leans towards me, his nose bumping mine as he presses a tiny kiss on my lips. "Oops," he giggles, rubbing my face apologetically. "Sorry, Niisan."
I open my eyes, shrugging. "It's OK, Al," my lips twist into a tiny smile as determination fills my chest. We can do this. We're grown ups now. I slide one nervous hand down his back, steadying myself as I come closer for another kiss. I press our mouths together, a little too forceful, but it works. Our lips meet, and it feels, well, different. Kind of dry, and confused. Not like I thought it would at all. But the very thought of being this close to him makes my face burn up. I'm drawn to him, like I have to continue.
"Niisan," he whispers against my mouth, licking his lips slightly as we separate for a moment. "What are we supposed to do?" I don't respond, afraid I'll look stupid if I give him the wrong answer. I'm the big brother. I guess I should know about these things, but I really don't. He snickers, as if he can read my mind. "You don't know how, either, do you, Niisan?"
"Of course I do!" Sticking out my chest, I try to sound offended, unable to admit my own weakness. I might be failing at everything else recently, but I should at least know how to do this. I've forgotten all my apprehension and guilt, instead scanning my memory for any piece of information that might help me do a better job. I should know what to do! I should-.
He surprised me with another kiss, our lips brushing gently as he flicks his tongue across my salty skin. The contact sends fire racing through my veins. I'm shivering, but still, I'm on fire. I don't quite know what I'm feeling, but I like it. It's not like my dream, but, still, it's real, and it's wonderful. I let my lips part slightly, welcoming him inside. My body is responding, but I'm not embarrassed anymore. Because I feel his pants tightening, just like mine, under my shy touches. I'm not alone. "Al," I sigh, brushing his tongue with mine as another burst of electricity flashes before my eyes. I'm falling into a daze: a cozy, warm kind of daze that makes me forget everything that's ever happened and just lets me relax. I like it. I encircle him in a desperate hug, pressing his body against mine. "I, I really do love you."
"I know, Niisan," he holds me closer, sliding his hands down my back as he pulls his body on top of mine. I lie there for a moment, warming up with each touch and each new sensation dancing in my chest. Listening to his uneven breath, I close my eyes, hoping to forget everything I once thought to be true. This just can't be wrong. It just can't. Not when it makes me feel so good. I rub against him, gasping slightly at the pulsing between my legs. Continuing to hold on to his shoulders, I move. Back and forth. Back and forth. Each time I bump up against him, my legs twitch, and I squirm. It's strange, but wonderful. Groaning in response, he slides his hands between us, spreading his fingers across the bulge in my pants. "It's OK," he moans. "I understand."
I slide a little further into my seat, watching the island disappear behind us as our boat paddles forward. In front of me, sensei sighs, rowing with strong arms as she glances over her shoulders. Her eyes meet my awkward gaze, and they narrow slightly. She looks so upset.
She's going to train us, but somehow I don't feel very happy. Because she keeps giving me such weird stares. It's like she knows. But she couldn't. Al and I were alone that night. She just can't know what I did to him. She can't! My stomach churns. I feel absolutely terrible. If anyone finds out my secret, I'll be in big trouble. Al and I will both be in big trouble. What have I done?
We can't ever do this again.
Only one more chapter left...hopefully I can finish it in a little less time than I took for this update. ;)