A/N: written before new episodes returned, this was supposed to be a Christmas story, but… yeah. I'm lazy and I didn't get it up in time. So now, the character relationships and all are still like they were pre-2006, but the time is just about now. This is a little parody-ish, but I'm somewhat fond of it. I hope you are too. If so, please review! And come on, people. Write some Boston Legal fics! It's really sad that almost half the ones on this site are by me. WARNING: I cannot write Alan Shore. I repeat, I CANNOT WRITE ALAN SHORE. You have been warned.
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Alan Shore walked down the hallway to his office, whistling. In his hands he held a shiny digital camera. It was silver and brand new. Alan liked his camera. Denny had given it to him for the Crane, Poole, and Schmidt Secret Saint Valentine gift exchange. It was shiny.
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Denny Crane looked up as Shirley Schmidt entered his office. She handed him a small, plain cardboard box.
"I picked your name. Happy Valentine's Day," she stated, and left. Opening the box, Denny found a condom with a post-it note attached:
Denny-
keep dreaming.
Denny whistled to himself. "That woman arouses me," he muttered.
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Brad Chase looked up as Denise Bauer walked into his office, shutting the door firmly behind her.
"Hey," he greeted her.
She strolled behind his desk and sat herself down on his lap. "Hey back," she said huskily. "Guess what?"
"Um. What?" It was difficult for Brad to form coherent thoughts with his lap thus occupied.
"I'm your Secret Valentine," she whispered, before her lips brushed his.
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"Happy Valentine's Day, Garrett!" said Sara Holt gaily. "I have a Secret Saint Valentine present fore you!"
"Thanks!" Garrett said, unwrapping the package eagerly. He stared at the box. "A Magic 8 Ball?"
"Trust me, they're tons of fun," Sara said, winking at him.
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Alan had his hand on his office door handle when he heard a clunk in the opposite office. His curiosity piqued, Alan turned to the door across from his and opened it instead. The first thing he saw was the contents of Brad Chase's in-tray strewn across the floor. The second thing he saw was much more interesting: Denise Bauer straddling Brad, who was pinning her backwards against his desk as they furiously made out. They had not noticed Alan's presence.
'Oh, goody,' Alan thought. 'I can christen my shiny new camera.'
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Melissa Hughes untied the pretty pink ribbon of the package on her desk. Pulling away the wrapping, she found a pink wool hat with a ridiculously huge purple pom-pom on top. There was a card.
Hello Melissa!
Happy Secret Saint Valentine's Day. I thought maybe you could wear this to work tomorrow, with nothing else. Just a thought.
Fondly,
Alan
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Alan had already put his camera safely in his pocket and enjoyed the show for a good two more minutes, casually leaning against the door, before he decided to say something. He cleared his throat. "Hi! Mind if I watch?"
Brad and Denise broke apart and looked up, matching shocked expressions on their faces.
"Shit!" Brad cried, pushing his chair back and forcing Denise off of him. This turned out to be a mistake.
"Whoa!" Alan said in an impressed tone. "That's some erection. Good job, Denise!" Brad and Denise just stared at him, mouths open. "Don't worry, my lips are sealed. You may resume." More staring. "Oh, I'm sorry, is my presence making you uncomfortable? It's okay, I can leave." And so saying, he exited Brad's office, resuming his whistling.
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Melissa scribbled a note on a legal pad and taped it to Alan's chair.
I would, but my mother always says not to go bare-legged in under fifty degree weather. Thanks for the hat.
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Brad saw a bunch of paralegals giggling by the big bulletin board and made his way over to investigate. He pushed his way through and was faced with a large photo of himself and Denise from earlier that morning. "Holy Crap," he muttered hoarsely, eyes wide.
"I said my lips were sealed and I meant it. I never said a word," came the voice of Alan Shore from behind him. Slowly Brad turned and stared at him.
Alan smiled.
Resisting the urge to punch the smug bastard, Brad strode off to find Denise.
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"Remind me again why Crane, Poole, and Schmidt is having a Secret Saint Valentine's day?" asked Paul Lewiston with irritation as Shirley pulled the bow off the box of chocolates he had just given her.
Shirley looked up with an amused twinkle in her eye, though she spoke in an exasperated tone. "Because, Alan managed to convince Denny that we need more, quote, 'Office Bonding Activities,' unquote. Apparently that translates to absurd made-up gift exchanges."
Paul rolled his eyes.
"Listen Paul- just be glad they didn't decide on a costume day or something even more ridiculous. At least the concept of gift-giving is not totally foreign in a place of business."
Paul sighed.
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"Dammit! This is why I always say no PDAs at work! What the hell was I thinking?" Denise was close to hyperventilating.
"If it's any consolation, it was the best Secret Saint Valentine gift I ever got. Until Alan walked in."
Denise looked slightly less frazzled.
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Denny Crane was agitated. "Pictures!" he cried. "You little son-of-a-bitch! Don't you know the camera has a video mode?"
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Despite knowing that to get within a hundred feet of the bulletin board was to get hit with the giggles of a gaggle of paralegals, Denise had the sadistic urge to see for herself what the damage was. She had made it to the end of the hallway before Garrett intercepted her.
"Denise." he said seriously. "I want you to know I'm hurt. I always thought we had something special."
Denise stared disbelievingly. What the hell? "Garrett, ninety-nine percent of the time I'm around you, I'm completely irritated by you. That is in no way, shape, or form indicative of any kind of attraction."
"What about the other one percent?" He asked.
Denise made a loud noise of frustration and walked away. Garrett noticed Sara watching from a doorway. "She so likes me," he said.
"Garrett, grow up," said Sara.
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Brad knocked on the open door to Alan's office. Alan looked up.
"Alan, Denise is very upset. You shouldn't have put up pictures of us. It was incredibly immature. Denise and I didn't want to be the latest bit of water cooler gossip. I think we deserve an apology."
Alan waited a moment before replying quietly. "I can do better than apologize. I have a plan that will take the spotlight off you two instantly."
Brad raised his eyebrows. "Please, share this plan with me."
Alan did.
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Garrett Wells was consulting his Magic 8 Ball. 'Please please please,' he begged inwardly. Then, eyes closed, he shook the ball, asking it, "Is Denise Bauer secretly attracted to me?" He stopped shaking and opened his eyes to read the answer:
Are you kidding?
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Shirley Schmidt was walking through the lobby filled with chattering paralegals when Denny waylaid her, taking hold of her arm. She looked at him, prepared to be annoyed.
"Thanks for the present," he murmured. Then he pulled her close and gave her a big, open-mouthed kiss on the lips. The paralegals stopped talking.
Breaking apart from her, Denny put his mouth right next to Shirley's ear. "Denny Crane," he whispered, and she shivered against her will.
And Shirley watched with stunned eyes as Denny sauntered out, winking at Alan as he passed.
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As Brad and Denise were gathering their things to go home, they each found an unmarked manila envelope on their desks. Opening them, they found several pictures of the two of them pressed together in Brad's chair, and a short note that read:
Something to show the grandkids.
Merry Christmas.
-A
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A/N: Yay! I'm kind of proud of this. It's a different sort of format for me. I hope it adds a smile to your day.
I just wanted to add that I really like Daniel Post. I think the relationship between him and Denise is incredibly poignant and beautiful. This little tale was started before he arrived on the show, and my writing tends not to deal with very heavy topics. I'm a happy person and I like to laugh. However, I just want to acknowledge Daniel and say that I think his presence adds a really nice dimension to the show and to Denise's character.