Don´t own them.

Sorry, it took me so long to update, but life kinda kicked in.

Well anyhow, most reviewers asked me what was wrong with Rory, trust me, I'm gonna explain it all later, now enjoy. And Oh yeah, I got a serious question for you. I'm totally confused when to use lie, lying, lay, laying what ever. Care to fill me in? Sorry J

Rory's POV:

I was lying on my bed when I heard the apartment door open. I heard Jess's irregular breathing, he had started running again. Maybe -and the thought made me flinch- to get out of the apartment, to get away from me? He would always take Tate with him, pushing the stroller in front of him. Of course never on day light, but only after when the sun had already set and the New Yorker dark shadows would surround him, mainly on times when everybody else around us would start to get ready for a night out or lovers would be curled up together on the couch, watching a movie. But it never would be us. We wouldn´t be curled up on the couch and we definitely weren't lovers right now anyway.

He came over to me and I extended my arms to take Tate from him. I settled him in my lab and took his little fingers in mine. Just recently I started to get comfortable with the thought of being responsible for another person. At the beginning I would look at him and silently blame him for all the things that weren't going right. I would blame him for the fact that I wasn't taken as an individual anymore. People would greet me but they would look at the little kid in my arms and not at me. I would blame him for the fact that I didn´t feel good in my skin and that I would avoid full-length mirrors, never really recognizing the person staring back at me. But lately, I seem to have made some progress, I would start smiling whenever Tate would smile or make a funny face. I felt proud when I felt him on my chest while feeding him. It started to feel right. Tate shifted in my lab and opened his mouth and I knew that he was about to cry. Just one week ago I would have started crying as well, I had been totally exhausted and I had the feeling that I was.. What's the word? Yeah, I was feeling inadequate, insecure.

I unbuttoned my shirt and Tate eagerly grabbed my hand as I started to breast feed him. Jess sat next to me on the couch and was silent for the longest time. He leaned back, closed his eyes and sighed deeply. I knew we still weren't the same, the way before Tate's birth but we were getting somewhere. Yep, tears had been involved, as had yelling and maybe screaming, and in the back of my head I remembered even throwing something in Jess's direction, but I tried to push this particular memory out of my mind.

Jess let out a breath next to me and eyed Tate contently, then he looked up to me and locked his gaze with mine. I didn´t break the contact.

" How are you?" I had to smile when I heard him ask this. I tried to suppress the tears that were about to fall.

Flashback

I was sitting at the kitchen table, trying to read the newspaper when I heard Jess's footsteps coming closer. I was still on maternity leave, but Jess of course had to work. We were not the Trumps or anything but Jess had a decent salary being the main editor and all. While I was sitting there, I couldn't help but I started to wonder when things had gone wrong. I knew, I was acting weird but I didn´t have a clue how to stop it. I would cry all the time, not even noticing the tears running down my cheeks, only when Jess would point it out to me I would realize that my eyes always were puffy and red. I felt like I was numb when it came to self-reflection. I was feeling like a stranger trapped in my own body. My body tensed up when I felt jess coming closer and closer. I was relieved when he leaned over the crib next to me.

" How is he today?" he turned his head and asked me. I don´t know how it happened, I don´t know why; I just know it did.

Suddenly my stomach tightened, my knuckles turned white from holding my cup too tightly, the blood shot through my veins, sobs escaped my mouth, my tears left wet marks on the newspaper lying in front of me.

" Do you know when you asked me the last time how I had been?" I whispered, staring into my cup of coffee, as if I wanted to disappear in it. He wanted to reply but I wouldn´t let him. I stood up angrily.

" When was the last time you looked at me and thought about me, not him?" I didn´t bother to hide the tears that were now streaming freely down my cheeks.

" When was the last time you looked at me and you would see the woman you fell in love with?" Jess was staring at me, eyes wide open, mouth shut tightly. He knew me well enough to keep his mouth shut.

" Jess, I am Rory! I am not Roy and Tate; I am not Rory the mother. I am not Rory the …" I trailed of, having a problem to form the words.

" I'm just Rory. I'm an individual. I do not live vicariously through Tate, but I wish to have a life of my own. I wish I did, but I don´t have a life anymore." Jess stood still, arms hanging loosely at his sides. He dropped his head, sighing.

" Yes, I am a mother and I love my kid. Our kid. But I'm still …..Rory." My words were only above a whisper right now, barely audible, but I knew he heard me all too well.

Neither of us spoke for a long time. Tate was sleeping in his crib, only making few noises, which came from his sucking his thumb.

Suddenly, Jess's head jerked up, his eyes intensely locking with mine.

" Welcome home, Rory." I shivered at how soft his voice sounded. He should be angry, fed up. Maybe even disappointed, but all I saw was relief.

" What?" I asked, somehow I didn´t get this.

He came close to me and pulled me in an embrace.

" I thought you would never let it out. I was so afraid that all these emotions would boil up inside of you and you just wouldn´t let them out. I'm glad you did, Ror." He didn´t smile, when he pressed his lips on my forehead. This time I didn´t flinch.

I hugged him back, not wanting to let go. I had felt so lonely these last couple of weeks and now I knew Jess just didn´t want to push me. He wanted to give me time.

" I'm sorry I didn´t pay as much as attention to you as I should have. There are no excuses. I was being ignorant." I just tightened my grip on him, feeling instantly better that I was now in his arms. Safe.

He kissed the top of my head, when I heard him whisper.

" Maybe" he swallowed, " maybe, you should get help." He suggested. My first instinct was to pull back and tell him a piece of my mind. I didn´t need help, not professional anyway. I was strong and independent. But as I thought about his suggestion it came clear to me that I wasn't as strong as I had been before. Maybe I indeed needed help, after all I was now part responsible for Tate and as an afterthought I knew that Jess also deserved to have the old Rory back.

" The last couple of weeks I would have done anything to get a reaction out of you, any reaction. We were drifting apart and there was nothing I could do, well that's what i thought anyway. Maybe, i should have pushed you. I saw that you were suffering but I just didn´t know what to do." Jess stroked my hair as if I was a little girl and in this very moment i made up my mind. I wanted the old Rory back as well.

Flashback end

I could see the sincerity in his eyes when he asked me this simple question. I hated people with a passion who would always say " good" not elaborating it at all.

Last week I had my first appointment with the psychologist and the first thing he told me was not to answer it the same way. He would say to me that it would make people stop asking and meaning it. He then proceeded to tell me that I suffered from what he called " the baby blues". He wouldn´t go as far as calling it a depression, but that I needed to act on it if I wanted my life back. I should start letting people in again. That's what I was trying ever since.

" I'm good. I mean I start getting the feeling back, any feeling. I don´t feel empty anymore. I now look at me and recognize the person staring back at me in the mirror. I feel…." I trailed of because Tate stopped sucking. Jess looked down at him and smiled.

" You're doing this good, Rory." he leaned over and gave me a quick peck on the forehead.

" I'm taking a shower, I'm sweaty and all…" he got up and went to the bathroom, not bothering to close the door. As I looked at his retreating back, I sighed and got up to place Tate in his crib.

" Sleep tight, angel." I said as I made my way over to the bathroom.

I slowly entered the room, I could hear the shower running, jess was humming something, I couldn't make out the song, but I guess it was something from the Clash.

I looked in the mirror, as I slowly got undressed. When I was left in my underwear I took a deep breath and unclasped my bra. It fell on the ground and as I saw it there it made me wonder if I was doing the right thing. I pushed the doubts out of my mind and stripped my panties down. I pushed away the shower curtain and saw Jess's back facing me. I slowly got in, Jess had yet to notice me. I softly put my hands on his back, tracing his spine with my fingertips. Jess didn´t move, he just stayed still and placed his hands against the wall, supporting his body. I leaned forward and left butterfly kisses on his shoulder blade. I felt him shiver, his muscles tensed up. Finally he turned around, his eyes never leaving my face.

" Fancy meeting you here." he stated simply as he took my hands in his. I picked up the shampoo bottle and handed it to him.

" I could need help. You're offering?" I whispered.

He took the bottle out of my hands and poured some of the liquid on his palm.

" I'd love to help." he smiled and I knew he didn´t just mean the shampoo. This was beyond anything I've ever experienced as jess slowly started to wash my hair, trying not to get any of the shampoo into my eyes. He drove lazy circle on my scalp and a moan escaped my mouth.

" That good?" I could see him smirk although I had my eyes closed.

" Even better." I whispered as my hands were travelling down his well-defined body. As I reached his hipbones he pulled back slightly.

" You know, I haven't been very nice to you lately." I said suggestively.

" No, you haven't." his voice was hoarse and full of desire. My heart skipped a beat. I was still able to make him feel that way. I smiled.

" How will I ever make it up to you?" I asked in a sweet voice.

" You don´t have to make it up to me now, Ror. We still have the rest of our lives."

" But what if I wanted to?" the words came out in a whisper.

" Well, in that case, who am I to deny this to you?" I looked down at him and couldn't hide a smirk.

" Hmm, you really missed me, huh?" I giggled as I placed my hand just above his arousal.

" You have no idea!" with that I crashed my lips on his, not noticing the shampoo in my eyes.

And when we cried out at the same time, I was glad the water was still running, so it would keep our voices covered.

" I didn´t get to finish my rant before." I spoke up, my legs still intertwined with his.

" I feel alive again."

So what do you think, good ? Bad ? I hope you liked it. REVIEWS are the reason I get up in the morning, thank you!