"Yeah. . . I think I do," bringing their joined hands up to his lips, he plants a soft kiss on her knuckles, "because . . . just for a moment, . . .I think . . . I wanted it too."
She feels her heart flutter at the soft touch of his lips, and his words are enough
to ease the pain of the last few weeks. She has had her moment her little piece in time where all pretenses are gone, and they are left with just their honest feelings. If only they could go from here, a little more sure of each other, then maybe, just maybe, there would be hope for a future.
"I gotta go," Luke says, jumping up from the bench, dropping her hand abruptly.
"Luke, wait," she says, grabbing his arm, halting his hasty exit.
She can see the apology in his eyes. Has nothing changed? Did what he just said mean anything at all?
Taking a step closer to him, she clutches his flannel shirt through his open jacket, feeling the softness under her fingers. Tugging at the material, she remembers her dream, his willingness to stay when she showed him her need.
"Luke," she whispers, cupping his face with her free hand, leaning in to kiss his lips.
"Lorelai, don't," he replies, turning his head and sliding his cheek against hers instead.
"I can't do this right now. I can't be what you need," he says finally, reluctant words forming slowly. "I need time. Time to figure out how to be a father first."
"Luke, you don't have to do this alone," she answers sincerely, knowing she could help him.
"I just need some time," he says sighing, not knowing how to explain his fears. "I could use a friend," he says finally, asking her to understand, needing her to know he doesn't want her totally out of his life.
"You got it, mister," she answers through misty eyes, smiling bravely at him.
Toying with the button on his shirt, she knows she should turn and walk away now, that he's defined their relationship again, and left her powerless.
"Luke, I need to ask you something. It shouldn't be important but somehow it is."
"Okay," he says reluctantly.
"If I had asked you to stay, would you have? Were you waiting for me to?" she asks in spite of herself, needing to know.
"Lorelai, don't do this," he says, his hands running up and down her arms, like he's bracing her up for some pain.
"Please Luke," she answers, knowing she's just pouring salt on a wound, but needing it still.
"Yes. I would have stayed," he says watching her face carefully, the way her eyes close to keep in the pain. Kissing her gently, he pulls her closer, unable to let her go yet.
"I was a fool. I walked away because I wanted everything and I wasn't willing to give you time. I was afraid of how much I was feeling, surprised by how jealous I was. I didn't want to share you, with anyone. I didn't think you could possibly feel the same way about me, so I took the easy way out. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too. For not telling you, for not making you see, for expecting you to read my mind, and just know. I was i all in /i Luke. . . I still am," she says laying her forehead against his shoulder, her hand still clenched tightly in his shirt.
"Lorelai, I can't be what you need, what you want . . . not right now anyway."
"When?" she asks, eyes drenched in tears, unable to just let it go.
"I don't know," he whispers, the pain of it evident in his voice.
And she knows he is hurting as much as she is, in some ways more because he is faced for the first time with an uncertain future, with things he can not control, and he is scared to death.
Their lips meet out of sheer desperation to grab hold of the moment, his one hand tangled in her hair, the other gently wiping the tears from her cheek. Neither one wants to be the first to let go, to leave, to make the decision to start this next phase of their relationship. It's so much easier to stay in this moment, to kiss and hold each other, and pretend that everything is going to be okay. And so they cling, each starting the next kiss as the other ends the one before it.
"I have to go," he says finally, stepping back.
She reluctantly releases her grip on his shirt, watching him walk back to the diner.
The next couple of days go by like a blur, as Rory finally returns home. And for weeks after, things seem to fall into place, into a comfortable rhythm. With Rory along, it's easier to fall back into her early morning coffee banter, watching in amusement the way both Rory and Luke answer her with their own brand of wit and humor. And everything is almost right with her world, except when their eyes meet and she sees her still unanswered question hanging between them. When Luke? When will it be time for us?
She has been reluctant to invade his space too much, sticking to early morning breakfasts. She knows his daughter spends a lot of time at the diner in the afternoons, and she's glad they are getting to know each other. So she hasn't met her yet, waiting for Luke to offer an invitation, to start to close the gap between the pieces of his life. And as the weeks go by and nothing seems to change she wonders if they ever will. And she is almost ashamed of the jealousy she feels towards a twelve year-old.
As she pulls the Jeep up to the curb, she sits for a minute listening to a song on the radio, one she has heard a million times before. I will remember you, will you remember me? Don't let your life, pass you by. . . And she clicks it off before the song is over, the haunting melody ringing in her ears, the words echoing in her mind, fueling the fear she has been holding at bay for weeks. She holds firm to her resolve, it's time to move things forward. She's only a little girl she reminds herself.
She has tried to give him time to figure things out, but as each week passes, their middle seems farther and farther away. She understands his need to put his child first, respects that, has lived that. But she also knows how hard it is to have a relationship when the people in your life don't know each other or except each other. How much misunderstanding and pain that can be caused by the things left unsaid.
The diner is quiet, only a few people there in the late afternoon. A child with long dark hair
sits at the counter, reading a book. Luke is nowhere in sight as she enters and takes a seat at the opposite end.
"Lorelai, hi," he says, looking a little guilty as he steps out of the kitchen, glancing at the girl who is studiously reading, ignoring them both.
Looking from Lorelai to April, then back to Lorelai, he asks, "Day off?" a little amused now at his situation.
"I just helped Rory moved the rest of her things down to New Haven."
"So, she's back at school?"
"Yes."
"Good."
"Yes. It's very good."
"Was that Christopher I saw around town recently," he asks too nonchalantly,waiting for an answer.
"Yes. It seems Christopher has come into quite a bit of money and he wants to share it."
"Really."
"Yes. He wants to make up for all the times he wasn't around. In fact he said, whatever I want, I could have."
"Really," he answers in a little bit of a snit.
"Well, that's nice," he says between clenched teeth.
"As long as he gets you everything you want," he growls.
Smiling at his obvious jealousy, she taunts him a little more.
"He can't give me everything I want," she answers suggestively, smiling at him fully to let him know she was leading him along.
His answering grin is enough to make her sure it was the right choice to enter the diner in the afternoon.
"So Luke, why don't you introduce me to your daughter?" she says sweetly.
To be continued