I'm so sorry I've basically made Cheery the in-house decorator! But she's so useful that way. ;;
Still trying to finish this by/on Valentine's Day. Will probably edit again after Valentine's Day is over.
I made up the cock-eyed badger... gosh, this story's really getting into the gutter, isn't it? ;)
--
Two days to Valentine's Day...
Two days before the Disc is overtaken by ribbons and chocolate...
And at the Watch in Ankh-Morpork, this can only mean one thing...
"I don't see why it's always the women doing the decorating," Cheery said bitterly for the fourth time that evening. She was sitting at her desk cutting mishapen hearts out of pink paper. "This ought to be the men's job."
"Men," Angua repeated distractedly, hanging up a long paper chain of dolls holding hands. Between them they'd added beards, tails and wings to several, as well as tweaked the heights somewhat. The Detritus one was even holding something akin to a club.
"My, aren't you an optimistic lot," Sally commented, frowning as her paper chain of bats emerged, for the eighth time, headless as she unfolded them. "Did I cut something wrong again?"
"I thought you were an artist," Angua said, bending over the dreadfully botched links.
"Hey, hey. You haven't seen me at needlepoint yet. Just joking," she added, exasperated at Angua's deadpan expression. "What's the matter without you? Didn't get any valentines this year?"
"Did you?" Angua asked sulkily.
"Maybe," Sally said, grinning wickedly.
Cheery didn't say anything and became suddenly furiously engrossed in cutting paper flowers.
"What's that I hear about you and a lap dance, though?" Sally continued, not batting an eye.
"What?"
"Um, Angua? Sally?"
"Don't be shy about it. And don't look at me like that, I really heard lap dance," Sally insisted, starting to laugh. "Now look, you've got me all giggly."
"Angua? Sallyyyy..."
"I have not –"Angua began hotly.
"There's something sitting on my feet!" Cheery screamed. "It's sort of hot and wriggly and – get it off of me! Get it off!"
Scuffling came from under the desk. A furry little white shape shot out.
"Did someone say lap dog, Sally?" Angua said weakly. Feathers launched himself onto her boots and lay there quivering.
"Aww, what a cute little puppy," Sally cooed, oblivious. "You look so familiar. Where have I seen you before, you little cutie?"
Feathers licked at her hand but didn't seem to like it much.
"Cheery, have they been saying that I've received a lap dance for Valentine's Day?" Angua demanded, rounding on her.
"Oh, look out the window, a robin," Cheery squeaked. "That means I'll marry a tailor!"
"It's a sailor, Cheery," Sally corrected. "You'll marry a sailor. A sparrow for a poor man but a happy marriage, the goldfinch for a millionaire, and a cock-eyed badger for a man with a wooden leg and a peculiar speech impediment, who eats nothing but olives."
Angua buried her face in her hands. "Now I know why Nobby was making those eyes at me the whole day..."
"That's just him trying to raise an eyebrow," Cheery said, "he's practicing for Charity Pushpram."
Sally shook her head. "Actually, I can't believe you didn't get a lap dance this Valentine's... what? They're basically compulsory, aren't they?"
"Does everyone have a valentine for Valentine's Day?" Angua exclaimed.
There was a pause. Cheery looked shocked. "But what about Carrot?"
"And that strange thing attached to your shoe," Sally added, looking only slightly less shocked.
"Oh, Carrot's just not the Valentine's Day type... You know how he is."
"What did you do last year?"
Angua sighed. "He was on duty. Then he got off duty. Then he had to go on duty again... well, he's basically always on the job."
"What did I tell you, this sounds like someone we know," Sally whispered. Cheery elbowed her. "Ouch."
"But I've got no reason to complain, really," Angua continued, staring out the window. "I guess I'm already so fortunate that..."
"And what's Valentine's Day anyway," Cheery butted in loudly. "This Exploits Women!"
Sally sighed and tried to change the topic. "What about the lap... dog, then?"
"Oh, Feathers just wandered in and-"
"Feathers. Wait." Sally snapped her fingers. "I thought he looked familiar! Feathers, he's the dog of... the dog of..."
"Whose dog?"
"Shush, I'm trying to remember... Feathers, Feathers... I've got it!"
"Who?" Angua and Cheery said together.
"The Patrician," Sally crowed triumphantly. Then her mouth turned into a giant O of horror. "Oh dear."
"Don't you dare let the word Patrician in association to my name get out there!" Angua yelled. "Least of all around lap dance!"
"No need to get your knickers in a twist, I heard you," Sally said, but looking thoughtful.
Cheery carefully gathered up the paper hearts that Angua had thrown down in a fit of frustration. She looked around, smiling desperately. "Well, there's always Carrot. I'm sure he's just waiting to surprise you this year..."
--
"Would you have any books on poetry, here?"
"Ook."
"Yes, for Valentine's Day."
"Ook, ook."
"No love poems?"
"Ook."
"Not for wizards? Whyever not?"
"Eek!"
"Oh dear, I see what you mean... Would you know any poetry?"
"Ook, ook, ook eek/Ook ook, ook, eek eek eek..."
"Well, then would you know anyone else who knows poetry?"
"Ook."
"Ramtops?"
"Ook."
"Well..."
"Ook!"
"...why not?"
And that was how Carrot set off in search for the great witches of the Ramtops. The helpful witches of the Ramtops. The puissant, benevolent and all-knowing witches of the Ramtops...
--
REVIEW, pleasy, so I will know I have not lost sleep in vain! And Happy Valentine's Day, all!