The Way You Make Me Feel

by Reni-Maniac

Harm and Mac are TAD to TopGun. And while they face each other in court, they are finally ready to go for what they've been long waiting for a relationship. ignores everything after Xmas04

7. By The Look In Your Eyes

The lyrics used at the end of this chapter are from Ronan Keating's "The Way You Make Me Feel".

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-By The Look In Your Eyes-

Once the ice cream bowls were emptied and the sun had sunk in a wonderful sunset, Harm and I said our thanks to let a wonderful day end on our own.

"I'm back in a minute," he said the moment we stepped into my room.

So now I'm left standing at my door, watching his back disappear into his room. Why is this bothering me that much? He said he will be back. It's not like he is going to close that door on me again, is it? But this whole day, whenever he left my side I worried if he would come back. It wasn't so much the fear that he wouldn't return that moment, but that one day he would just be gone, never to return. I worried if it all is a dream that is about to end any moment now. That nothing had changed, or worse, that we are left with nothing at all.

Slowly I walk over to my suitcase. On the way I kick my shoes off and let my eyes follow them into a dark corner of my room. I didn't bother to switch the light on. With trembling fingers, I rummage through my belongings, not knowing what I want to find, but needing to occupy me anyhow. I am anticipating his return.

A small sound alerts me and I turn around to find him standing in the doorway. The soft shadows of the outside light paint strange patterns on the floor, the walls, his body and his face. He must have let one of the lights in his room on. There is a soft yellow glow surrounding him. But it isn't giving away much of his expression. It is hidden in shadows mostly. He is slumped with his shoulder resting against the doorframe. I realize that he is barefoot. The two topmost buttons of his shirt are open now. My glance travels up his throat. I can make out his Adam's apple. It dances up and down in the rare light, vanishing into darkness on its way up only to return into the light seconds later. I know I am swallowing just as much as Harm. My mouth fell dry the moment I turned around to face him. And now I need to get it back to his usual state in order to get any word out. I would have gone to the bathroom if I wasn't trapped in Harm's glance.

"Hey," he finally whispers, his words barely reaching me.

Swallowing a rather big lump in my throat I manage a "Hey, yourself."

My next move amazes me to a high degree, as I did absolutely nothing about it. I'm taking a step in his direction. In the same instant Harm starts to move as well and closes the gap between us. He now stands right in front of me, mere inches away. For a long moment we stand there facing each other without looking at the other. Our eyes are cast down on the floor. What are we going to do next?

Harm moves first. His right index finger hooks up my chin and softly pulls it up so he can look at me. And just there and then when he stands up to his full height he still manages to look at me from beneath. With his head slightly bowed down he manages to look up at me with his incredible blue eyes. Even the darkness couldn't keep me from drowning in the blueness. He'd given me that glance before. When we said goodbye before he returned to flying. When we both thought this to be a final goodbye. This glance makes a million butterflies come to life in my stomach and my knees go wobbly. My eyes are still fixed on his, the only constant in my spinning world.

And as if that isn't enough, Harm starts to run his thumb over my lips. From left to right and back again. I close my eyes to fully concentrate on his movement. When he made his way back he stops and lifts his thumb from my lips, leaving behind the burning sensation of his touch. Instantly I curl my lips inward and press them together to burn the feel of his touch into them, to never forget it, to taste the slight salty cover he had left on them.

I have not yet moved. I'm still standing in the middle of the room, stiff as a stick waiting for his next actions.

He lets go of my chin only to trail my jaw line with his finger up to my ear. His other hand doubles his movement. They are now placed gently at the sides of my face, his thumbs caressing the sides of my neck. This makes me longing for more, so much more. It makes my pulse and breath speed up incredibly. I feel him pulling my head closer. Every fibre of my body now wants him to kiss me, to once again feel the sensation of his kiss sweep through my whole body.

And then finally everything comes crashing down on me. My mind retreats into the far back and my body takes over for once. My arms wrap around Harm's waist and pull him close. Close and closer. When his tongue begins to battle with mine I still pull him closer. There is no air left between us and still I inch nearer. I press my hip against his. I feel his hipbone pressed into my flesh. But it still isn't near enough.

I feel his hands travel down my neck, tracing the rim of the neckline of my dress. His lips trail down the other side of my neck, leaving a wet trail. I throw my head back to grant him better access. All the while my hands have worked their way under his shirt, now roaming over the muscles in his back, tracing his spine.

Harm slowly slips the cardigan down my shoulders as his lips follow close. When he reaches the far end of my shoulder, my head snaps back forward and comes to rest against his. I burry my nose in his hair, gladly welcoming the tickling effect of it. Still kissing my shoulder, his hands pull at the white cotton that is still covering most of my arms. I need to let go of my hold on his back to get rid of this thing, but I'm desperate to cling onto him. Once he realizes it is no good he directs his kisses back to my face. He covers my eyes with sweet kisses, the bridge of my nose. He leaves one on the tip of my nose before he continues to my lips. I try to consummate all of him the moment his lips contact mine again. I'm pushing hard against him, not only with my lips but with my whole body. He is returning the motion.

Finally we have to part for air and I open my eyes at last to look at him. His eyes are glazed over with desire and passion, desire and passion I'm sure he sees reflected in mine as well. His eyes never leaving me he once again starts to pull at the cardigan. Reluctantly I let my arms drop to my side so he can slide it down.

But the moment I do, my mind switches back into action. I come to realize what we are about to do. Harm's eyes are still filled with what I saw moments ago, nothing changed. But something changed for me.

When he lowers his head to kiss me once more I hastily take a step backwards, almost stumbling over my cardigan that is now piled on the floor. Looking up at him I see confusion mixing into his passionate glance. I back away another step, and a third. He is too shocked to follow. He still stands there, rooted to the spot trying to figure out what is happening.

Finally his hand reaches out for me. "Mac?" His question sounds desperate. He doesn't understand.

But do I? "Harm, we can't do this." No we can't, it would jeopardize everything we have. But if this is the right thing to do, then why does it feel this bad? Why is all of my body still longing for it? Why is my heart aching from the look on Harm's face? Why do I feel like I am wrong? I need to say something and soon or he would be gone and leave me in a more desperate state than I'm in right now.

"I want you too, you know that. We've probably known that for years." I can make out a small smile on his lips. Good. But the smile isn't reaching his eyes. It would take much more for me to make him understand. But first I need to understand it myself, figure it out.

"It's just… this is too much, too soon." Who am I trying to fool? Too soon? After I've been in love with this man for at least five years, if not longer. And still. "I need to think about this. Alone. I… I need to figure out what to do. I don't want us to make a huge mistake."

"Fine. Take all the time you need," this time his words sound bitter where they sounded only remorse on the beach at Manderlee when he first said something alike. He turns his back to me and starts walking back to his own room.

"Harm, don't do this, don't shut me out." He stops dead in his tracks and turns around to face me.

"I am shutting you out?" His voice is clearly laden with hurt, it rings in each of his words that are spoken so calmly. "Mac, you are the one that is backing away. Again. You are the one that is building these walls around her heart and is too afraid of letting me in. I don't deny I have my own set of walls, but I've long ago let you in."

He turns around again and all but runs back into his room. But he's leaving the door open. A sign for me to follow him?

"Can't I at least think this through? To decide whether or not to risk the most wonderful friendship I've ever had in my life for something that could be even more wonderful? Or for something that could easily destroy everything we've worked so hard for?" I whisper to myself.

So instead of following him I walk over to the window, pressing my forehead against the cool glass, trying to think.

-T-O-P-

-G-U-N-

Damn. I hit the switch with an unnecessary force. The light flickers for a moment before I'm left in darkness. Right now it's like somebody blew out the one candle that lighted up my life. I carefully search my way to the bed. When I sit down I suddenly feel exhausted, physically as well as emotionally. "Harm, we can't do this." This one sentence drained me out beyond a point I never thought possible.

My eyes are strained at the open door. Why doesn't she come? Is this the end of everything that's just started? Was I a fool to believe that we could work this out? Was I hoping for too much?

I drop back on the bed. My head hits the wall and I slip down a little my hand finding the spot where a dull ache begins to build and soothing it. The slight pain is a momentary diversion from the numbness that's spreading throughout my body.

A few rays of light pass by me into her room, illuminating it just enough for me to see her. They meet with those drifting in from the outside world. An outside world that is reduced to only this dim light. My senses are on high alert for everything that is within this room. I can hear the soft humming of the air condition. I smell her shampoo that drifts towards me. And I sense her breathing as clearly as if she stands right beside me. But whatever sounds there me be outside these windows are lost to me. The outside world no longer matters for everything I ever wanted is within this room.

I watch her turn around slowly. For a moment I'm once again lost for words, just as if I would see her for the first time again. And suddenly, what looked so easy to do minutes ago safely back in my room, now seems to be that much harder. The things we do next, tiny as they may be, they could easily change everything. Everything we had, everything we trusted it. I know that this is an immense risk to take, yet I'm strangely secure that I want to take it. That I need to take it.

"Hey." So I do.

Mac answers me with an equal phrase that I almost don't catch when I watch mesmerised as she takes the first step towards me. It's a small step, carefully taken. But it's a step and that's all I need. With a few strides we've closed the distance.

Though standing there, our bodies almost touching – they don't. We just stand there, taking our time. I don't know why we do. Maybe Mac, just as I, isn't able to move any muscle from the prickling sensation that is running through her body. It feels as if I'm electrified and I'm afraid, that if we touch right now, we would set the whole room to fire.

The sensation hasn't subsided much when I finally can't wait no longer and reach my hand out to touch her. The moment I levelled her face up to meet mine I sink into her eyes. And I'd be happy to never resurface again for within her eyes I feel like I am closest to her. The chocolate brown, that still gleam in the surrounding darkness, harbours the depth of her soul and the warmth of her heart. Within Mac's eyes I can see all of her, I can see past her walls when she allows me to. And right now she does. What I see there, no longer hidden, is the love I searched for for so long. I just stand there, running my fingers over her face, revelling in her eyes.

The next thing I feel is her body crashing into mine. My lips are pressed onto hers, my tongue exploring their texture.

I open my eyes to escape the pictures, the memories. The ceiling lies hidden in the dark apart from a slim orange strip running all the way from the window to the wall of the bathroom at the head end of my bed. I fix my eyes on the light, willing my mind to go blank, to forget what I will never be able to forget.

I let my lips travel down her neck. I can feel her pulse beat against them. Easily my heart comes to match hers. Sweat starts to pearl on my upper lip. I close my eyes to concentrate on the sensations my tongue sends to my brain when it touches her silken skin.

My fingertips are like those of a blind man, slowly exploring her arms. I can feel the little hairs on her arms rise beneath them.

Her warm hands brush over my back, making me want to arch back and press against them. But my lips are still glued to her skin, now reaching her collarbone. I feel her shiver for a second when I breathe softly over the still wet spot where I last placed a kiss, though it's only a small impression on what Mac's doing to me with her touches. I've never felt that way before. I've never longed that much for a simple touch.

Her breath now sweeps past my ear when I work my way back up. I can't stand this feeling for long. It makes me want so much more.

I kiss her eyes, her nose, her lips. I want to kiss all of her, I need to consume her to the full.

My hands brush down her shoulders. The cardigan falls to the floor, piling around our feet.

Her arms retreat from my touch, the softness of her skin no longer beneath my fingertips. I can see her take a step back. It seems like she vanishes into darkness, like she wants to hide. Still staring at her, I will my feet to follow her. But I can't, I remain standing there. All of a sudden the air in the room feels cold. Sounds come crashing down on me that weren't there before. A car that passes by beneath her window. A door that shuts somewhere down the corridor. A TV that runs in the adjoining room. It feels like I've woken from a dream. Still able to recall every tiny detail yet unable to continue. Mac's actions are clearly visible for me. But they make no sense, no sense at all. Why does she back away? What has changed in the last second? I can't understand. All I can do is reach out my hand and utter a confused plea.

"Mac?"

It all felt so real, it felt so right. I can't have dreamt all this. Yet still Mac stands there three feet away, not moving. I want to follow, to take her into my arms and hold her. It's that big a need I can physically feel it, my every nerve aching to once again feel her pressed against me. But suddenly three feet seem to be an invincible distance.

Though what disturbs me even more is the look in her eyes. I'm totally transfixed by her eyes. Eyes that moments ago held a deep love and desire but that have now clouded over so I can clearly see the walls within. Walls I thought had crumbled down.

"Harm, we can't do this."

In an instant my world comes to a dead halt. My arm drops down like my heart does. Everything I thought we had vanishes in this very second, swallowed by an all-consuming darkness. These few words soak out all the energy and little hope that are left in me. They leave me standing there completely torn, completely empty.

Can't… We can't… Maybe Mac is right, maybe this is all wrong. After all there has to be a reason as to why we never made it work. Why our timing always sucked.

But then, why has this day been the best I had in a long time? Why does her body fit against mine that naturally? Why, after all our detours, have we still ended up together? These things, these feelings can't be totally in vain. They can't, yet we can. We can make it work.

I'm tempted to get up. To go over and tell Mac. Tell her that these feelings can't be wrong. That our friends can't be wrong. That eight years are enough for a wait.

Then I hear the rustling of her dress and remain on the bed, waiting for her to make the next move. I sense her eyes on me. I hear her voice, small and uncertain.

"Are you awake?"

-J-A-G-

-J-A-G-

While I stand by the window, my eyes fixed on a point at the far horizon that lies hidden somewhere in the dark, a conversation from long ago invades my mind.

"Can your best friend become your boyfriend?"

Right now it feels like that Christmas is as long gone as the animals whose fossils we traced this morning. So much has happened, so much that changed.

"Sometimes, if you're lucky," I remember my reply.

I am lucky now, so why am I turning it down? Why am I so afraid of taking a hold of my luck?

My eyes shift to the parking lot below, following the sound of an arriving car. Transfixed I watch both front doors open. In the orange light, which I know comes from the lamp next to the entrance door, I can make out a man and a woman emerging the car. The man proceeds to open the door behind his while the woman walks to the back of the car. After a while the man steps back, a little figure now resting in his arms. I watch the man lower his head. I imagine the whispered words with which he would try to lull the kid back to sleep. The woman has now arrived by the man's side, bag in hand. With a tiny gesture that is almost lost in the dim light she brushes over the little form. I close my eyes for a second and wrap my arms around myself.

I'll never be able to give Harm the child he always wanted. The child I dreamt of since we made our deal. This stupid deal. But I'm no one to destroy his dream. I can't bind him to me, to my past, to my future. He has to move on. It'll be the best for him. And one day, when he holds his own child he will understand. He will understand that this is the only possibility for us.

When I open my eyes again the little family is gone, leaving behind a once again silent and calm parking lot.

I know what I need to do now. What I must do for it is his one chance for happiness. Slowly I cross the room passing the small table, my thigh brushing slightly against the worn wood. I make my way further towards the door. For the first time I realize how dark it has become.

Standing just inside his room, my heels still touching the threshold I search for his frame in the little light drifting inside. He must have switched off the light that burned earlier. Harm lies on his bed, his head resting on his forearms, his face facing the ceiling and his legs stretched out and crossed at the ankles. I can't tell if he's awake or sleeping.

"Are you awake?" I softly ask.

"Yes," is his equally soft reply.

In the following silence I hear an owl cry in the distance.

"Can we talk?" I still haven't moved.

He doesn't answer but after what seems like an eternity swings his legs out of bed and sits up in a slow motion.

Finally starting to move I reach out for the switch. The sudden bright light leaves me blinking for a few moments. Small tears are building when my eyes adjust to the new situation. Somehow I felt that this conversation better be held in the light than in the dark that would lull us all too soon.

I walk over to him, coming to stand before him uncertain what to do next. Then Harm reaches for my hand. He gently pulls me down onto the bed. I now sit next to him, close but not too close. There is no contact between us except my hand that still rests in his. I'm not going to pull away.

I know it's up to me to start, but it isn't easy. I stare into Harm's eyes contemplating what to say first, how to explain the way I feel. How to make him understand the wild jangle of emotions that runs through me. It isn't easy at all.

Not with the look he gives me. There isn't a hint of the anger they'd shown moments before. In contrast his eyes show a calm confidence. Perhaps I should simply trust him. Like I trusted him on so many things before. He seems to be sure that things would turn out right. He doesn't seem to have any doubts, any fears. That however makes it all that much harder, because I do have fears, I do think about what if it doesn't work.

I awkwardly squirm in my place, inching closer to the edge of the bed. If it wasn't for my hand still resting in Harm's I would have stood up. I would now pace the room, try to avoid his still confident gaze. But I can't, so I cast my eyes down onto our joined hands.

I feel my heart beat in my throat. I swallow to calm down enough to speak. It feels as if I'm about to give a closing argument in court. Only now my future – and his – will depend on how well I do, on how good I'm explaining. I swallow once more.

"I'm sorry. Not for today," I add before Harm can say anything. I need him to stay silent, to listen to me explaining. "Today has been the most wonderful day. It felt like a dream, like a dream finally come true. But that is what I fear, that I will wake up and everything will be gone. That this, that we can't last.

"I'm aware that you want this, Harm. Hell I want this. I know I've been lucky to have you by my side, that we had all these years. And what I want most is for that to never change, to know you'll always be there beside me. However, in my current situation I have no right to bind you. With me you can't have the family you always wanted, the family you deserve."

When he answers his voice is strong and soft at the same moment. "Mac, we talked about this. There are possibilities. And even if nothing works, you are my family."

"Harm, I know you always wanted kids and that you're going to be a great dad. So someday, even if you don't want it, you're going to resent me for never having the son you could teach to fly or the girl you could spoil to no end. And I fear that whatever feelings there are between us won't survive. And I don't want this to happen, to lose you over this. I'm not sure I'm still strong enough for that."

"So you don't even want us to try. I can't do this." I'm still not looking at Harm, but I can feel him shake his head. "I can't just ignore my feelings any longer. And neither can you. We both know that.

"I won't say it's going to be easy. It'll probably be one hell of a ride. But don't you think that over all these years our relationship had proved to be strong?"

"Harm, this is friendship. It's way easier to handle than love."

He hooks one of his fingers under my chin to pull my face up so I finally face him again. "No Mac, it's not. For my feelings won't change now only because I say I love you."

A sigh, which should be happy but right now isn't, escapes my lungs before I can suppress it. I've been waiting so long to hear him say the words. But right now I don't want to hear them. Yet still now he says them, and with such a confidence and sincerity that I have no doubt they came straight from his heart before he could even think about them.

"If the form of our relationship changed at all, it did a long time ago, Mac."

I watch mesmerized, my gaze drawn in by his blue eyes that display his emotions oh so clearly. In the corner of my mind I register that he by now has taken hold of my hand with both of his, his thumbs running up and down on the back of my hand.

"I fear that we might lose what we had as much as you do," he continues. "But if we never try, we will always ask ourselves 'what if'. How can our friendship survive this? How can we go on living like this?"

I don't answer him. I don't know an answer, for there probably is no answer.

We both stay silent. It's a laden silence, laden with all the things unspoken which hover heavily between us. After a long while Harm lets go of my hand. It falls helplessly onto the bed. Just as if, if he isn't there to hold me, I'm not strong enough to stand on my own. And just about now I'm not so sure it isn't the truth. Maybe this Marine needs somebody to hold her once in a while.

"Mac, if you can stand up now and turn your back on me, say that we can't, I'll accept it. It'll be hell for me but I'll cope. I'll try being your friend. I only want you to be happy."

Happy – the word resounds in my head. Happy – I haven't been happy for a while. He would accept my decision so I could be happy. Like he did before. But haven't I only pretended to be happy? I don't know. I've had my share of good times. But it had never been what I've been searching for.

Happy – that may be the warm and fuzzy feeling I had all day while I felt Harm close by. Happy – that might be the smile that always crept to my lips whenever he touched me or looked at me. Happy – that might only be being with Harm.

So I don't move, I can't, I wouldn't. I just sit there, my eyes fixed on his, drawing from them a strength I lack right now.

Suddenly he inches nearer, his knee now touching mine, and wraps his arms around me. Within a second I'm enveloped in his hug, my head resting against his shoulder, his lips brushing softly against my ear.

"I'm so glad you didn't go, Sarah. I want you here with me. I need you."

I pull back a little so I can again look into his eyes, now smiling more confident myself. He opens his mouth to answer the question that I know still lingers in my eyes. Placing my finger on his lips I silence him. I don't need to hear it, for once I don't need to hear the words. For I clearly feel it in his embrace, I see it in his eyes. He will be there.

A small grin builds under my finger. Then he starts to kiss my fingertip, slowly making his way down the finger, over the palm of my hand. And I remain safely in his arms.

Couldn't feel much better
Than the way I feel tonight
Feel like I could live forever
Feel like I could fly
When I thought I'd got it wrong, yeah
You somehow make things right

-T-O-P-

-G-U-N-

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TBC?
So, do you want to know about the next morning or should I just end it here?