Disclaimer: I don't own anything, I'm not making money. Not my fault if good stuff inspires me, right?

Summary: AU, Anna is living with John on Babylon 5 when the Shadow War starts. John leaves for Z'Ha'Dum with Morden and confesses he loves Delenn before leaving. Now he's back.

A/N: This is really chapter 4 of "War", only it's been so long since I wrote that that I didn't dare to just continue. I couldn't leave it all dangling like this, I had to at least try to give these people some closure. If all goes well, this will be continued.

Other than that, this is not betaed, and English is not my native language.

Oh yes, and the title sucks too.

Reviews: are always welcome. I react well to criticism, as long as it makes sense.

Come Back To Me

Later they told him it was an inspiring speech. Epoch-making. Not so many years after, they started to put it in history vids for school kids, something he found deeply unsettling. When he was approached about the first printing permission, his answer was a flat-out refusal. Everyone told him he was being unreasonable, some more politely than others, of course. He was the President of the Interstellar Alliance. Speeches were his job, they were reproduced thousands of times a day, what difference did it make if they were in a book?

"Because it's against everything I believe in, everything I want to stand for, Delenn! I don't want to be worshipped, no one should be worshipped! It's the job that counts, not who does it."

"No one's worshipping you, John. People have been talking of your words since the very minute you said them, now they are just putting them in a school vid. I believe it's not the first time."

"It's one thing if people talk about it. This stuff gets distorted anyway over time, and after a while no one knows exactly who said what. That's the way it should be. That - that speech, it shouldn't be made official. It would be wrong."

"Why would it be wrong? Why for that speech in particular?"

"You must know, Delenn, you were there!"

He looks at her as if he can't believe she would be so obtuse, and Delenn is puzzled.

"Yes, I was. It was a crucial moment for the war, the moment the League of Non-Alligned Worlds decided that it was time to make a decisive stand against the Shadows, and offered their unconditional support to you. It is generally agreed that that was the turning point of - John, what is the matter? What is wrong?"

"Please don't... don't."

"I'm sorry."

Delenn is stunned. She can't remember the last time she has seen her husband this upset. When he turns to her, there are tears in his eyes. She leans forward and takes his hands in hers, and feels him hold on as if for dear life.

"You don't know how it was for me, Delenn... standing there... coming back from... God, I didn't even know what I was saying! And now they want to print it, they want school kids to - what? Be inspired by it? Learn it by heart?"

"Well, to tell you the truth, I don't know what you said either. I don't even remember you speaking."

"I don't remember myself speaking. All I remember is you, and Anna, standing side by side. And I remember thinking..."

"What?"

"Nothing. It's just... I don't want that... moment to go down in the history books as just another speech. It wouldn't be right."

After a pause, in which John seems to compose himself, Delenn says quietly:

"You have never spoken about it."

"About what?"

"About coming back from Z'Ha'Dum."

Now he shifts uncomfortably.

"What's there to tell? You were there."

"You keep saying that. I was there, but I wasn't with you. I didn't even speak to you alone until two days later. When you left, you said you'd come back to me, and then there you were and..."

"You thought I wasn't going to hold true to that promise, did you? You thought I'd go back to Anna."

She shakes her head gently, still holding his hands. Her eyes are clear and true.

"It doesn't matter, John. And if you don't want them to put that speech in the school vids, we'll just tell them no, and that's that."

"But...?"

"But... I have always wanted to know, that is all. How it was for you. We have told each other everything, you have told me about Z'Ha'Dum and the interrogations and Anna, and I have told you about Dukat and how the war started and Lennier... everything, except for those two days. It's as if there was a hole in our story, somehow. But I can understand that you want to keep it for yourself, and I respect that."

They leave it there. After dinner, John gets up, takes a bottle from a cabinet that Delenn thought was empty, and pours himself a drink. Delenn has never seen him drink, she didn't even know he kept alcohol around, but she doesn't say anything. He tastes it, then lifts an eyebrow.

"Not bad."

"What is it?"

"Brivari. I had someone get me a bottle after Londo's visit when we first came here, remember? Just in case."

"How could I forget."

"I didn't even remember I had it until today, but I've been thinking of it since this afternoon. I hope it's ok?"

"It's very ok."

He takes another sip, sits down beside her on the sofa, leans his head on her shoulder briefly. Then he straightens up and starts to talk.

"I was in a daze when I stepped onto the docking bay. Zack was there, and Garibaldi and what seemed like dozens of security men pointing their PPG's at me. I don't know if I said something then. Lorien put his hand on my shoulder, and I started moving. Don't ask me how I knew where to go, or what was going on in the Zocalo. Maybe I just asked someone, or Zack filled me in, or maybe Lorien was pointing me in the right direction telepathically, I wouldn't put it past him. All I know is that suddenly I was walking up those stairs to the balcony, and I heard someone saying that I was dead. "Lives are lost", he said. Then I turned and looked down, and there you were. Anna was standing right beside you and Lennier on the other side. And what I thought then, I remember as clearly as if it had been yesterday. What I thought was 'if I had known it would hurt this much, I wouldn't have let Lorien bring me back'."

If he had known it would hurt this much, he wouldn't have let Lorien bring him back. So much beauty in this world, so much love, and none of it belonged to him.

A fine trick Lorien had played on him: to name the one thing he wanted to live for. Well, once he got past the responsabilities, the petty concerns, the ego, the expectations and all the rest of the baggage, it was easy, so very easy. If there was only this one moment, and he was allowed to hold on to only one thing, with no certainty of where it would take him, then the choice was all too clear. No, there wasn't even a choice. It just was.

Delenn. That's what it was. His life. The beginning. The end. The reason. And when he let go, as Lorien told him, and stepped into the abyss, he was still afraid, but she was with him. She would be with him in death, if that was what was meant to happen, and what more could a man ask for?

Easy. So easy.

But he didn't die. That's where the trouble started. For a brief time, and with a little help from a friend, he might have been able to leave behind the encumbrances of life and get a glimpse of something purer that lay beyond, and inside. But here he was, returned same as he was, and guess what, the responsabilities, the expectations, and all the rest of the baggage, they were still there. There were two women looking up at him, and their eyes said "I gave you up for dead, and now you are returned to me". To me.

He started to talk. He didn't know after much later just what he had said, and never would he fully comprehend why he had even done it. It seemed to be what was expected from him. After all, he had just come back from the dead. And there was a war going on, wasn't there? Yes, and the others, they had to come together, they had to - because this was the last chance, wasn't it? The last chance...

While he was still talking, his wife broke away from the crowd, found the stairs and climbed up to the balcony where he was standing. There she threw her arms around her and whispered loving words into his ears, and he held her, and her body was warm. They were all cheering, but when John looked again, Delenn was gone. Lennier was still standing in the same spot, and he was not cheering, but looking straight up at John with that unwavering look of his, as if he expected something else, something more. After a few seconds, he turned and left.

"Come, come."

Anna took his hand, and John followed her.