The Revenge of the Fit
Oleander Kritter, dubbed OK by his friends, and his young Pay-Per-Viewer, Annie Stalker, flew in their recliners toward the ominous spaceship. The Can-Opener of Croissant had been kidnapped by the Septicists, a union of low-class sewer worker robots and the alien toilet companies. The Septicists believed that the Republican government had slidden on it's responsibility to provide all citizens with proper bathroom facilities, and therefore, revolted against them. Led by their leader, General Odorous, the sewer robots had taken the Republican's leading man and now, they couldn't open anything with a lid. As Couch Potatoes, OK and Annie must rescue him.
"OK, check this out!" Annie did a flip with the recliner, nearly missing a shot twice the size of it. The Septicists' trucks were hot on their trail, and shooting stinky septic tank water at them.
"Annie, cut it out! You could've spilled your beer all over the La-Z-Boy. Now, let's think about what we have to do and get sirius."
"The sattlelite radio?"
"No, but that is a good idea." OK thought very highly about Annie, yet worried at the same time. He was a reeal good Couch Potato, he was even on the Hot Potato Council. But he also let his mind wander, and liked to show off. Plus, he'd break out in song and dance sometimes if he got really upset. If only Master Quentin Tarantino was here, he would barbeque brocolli for the event.
The two flew into the ship's hangar and were immediately surrounded by robots, but they just pulled out their remote controls and changed them from robots to Hooter's waitresses. "OK, where exactly is the Can-Opener being held?" Annie asked.
"You know I never thought about that...we can look all over the ship!" OK and Annie jumped into their portable electric wheelchairs and went speeding down the hall.
Meanwhile, in the command center of the ship, General Odorous began taunting his prisoner, the Can-Opener of Croissant. "With you as my hostage, no one would dare try to attack this ship. coughcoughcoughcough...Excuse me, I was smoking weed in the back with my main man, The Count from Sesame Street."
"ONE HOSTAGE! ONE!" The Count laughed and began counting everything in the room and reciting the alphabet.
The Can-Opener spoke while holding his nose, "If yall thank yall gots da balls tuh kep me in hare, yall got another thang comin. The Couch Potatoes will come an rescue me."
"We know,coughcough, the writer already told us in the beginning of the story, duh..." Odorous was anxiously pacing the room. He was an alien warrior fused with the toilets of a thousand truck stops' bathrooms. His eyes were a glittery green, and they were nearly covered with his massive toilet lid helmet. He had long legs, which ended in toilet bowls for feet. His armor was entirely pure porcelain. He wore a cape, why, who knows, I think he did it because his friend, The Count, wore one.
"FOUR PILOTS! FOUR!" The Count exclaimed. All except Odorous ducked instinctivly, because a Couch Potato recliner pilot whacked a golf ball through the glass window, hitting Odorous hard in the butthole. Where his butthole is, I don't wanna know. But he got hit there.
"OWWWW! Son of a freakin assclown! That hurt!" Odorous grabbed wherever his butt was and shook his fist at the recliner pilot, calling him dirty names.
"ONE ASSCLOWN! ONE!" The Count shrieked with joy. And all the while, OK and Annie had been standing there watching their ridiculous spectacle. OK thought to himself, if only Master Quentin Tarantino were here, he would feed the Count and the General some papaya-flavored, Exlax-injected bullhorns for the event.
"Master OK, what should we do?" Annie whispered to OK. The Count turned around and pulled out a deck of flash cards. He stood ready to fight them.
"Now my friends, you will learn your numbers!" The Count lunged forward and knocked OK unconscious with his vast knowledge of numerical equations. Now, Annie had to face him alone. Annie pulled out a golf club and they began to square off in front of the Can-Opener and General Odorous.
"I should warn you, Count, I'm a better couch potato than the last time we met." Annie suppressed the need to sing and dance.
"Two times the ability, two times the downfall! That's Four, everyone! The Count proudly stated. Everybody ducked this time when he said "Four" and the golfball hit the main computer and knocked out the control system of the ship. It was now falling towards the planet Croissant.
In the confusion, Annie managed to cut the Count's hands off. The Count began screaming, "That's two severed hands, Two!" Annie lowered his golf club and began to walk towards the Can-Opener to untie his toilet paper handcuffs.
"Ooooohhhweee, boy! Ya did it! Now, whack him." The Can-Opener commanded.
Annie replied, "I can't, he's defenseless now. The Couch Potato never kills anybody that's defenseless, he just lets the poor dude die of blood loss while he watches TiVo."
"Ya better do it, boy. Tat's all I'm sayin." The Can-Opener watched as Annie defied the code of Potato and whacked the Count.
"This segment of...stuff...is being brought...to you..by the number...zero, and the color of poo..." The Count gave his last breath and died. OK came to consciousness, and saw what Annie had done, and thought, if only Master Quentin Tarantino were here, he would run towards the nearest living thing and yell into its face about the dangers of Saran Wrap and bananas and Vaseline for the event.
Annie immediately felt remorse and started to break into a showstopping number when the Can-Opener grabbed his shoulder and said, "He wuz a dummy. Grab yo frand an let's git-er-done!"
As the three glided down the hallway of the ship on the portable electric scooters, General Odorous stopped them in their tracks. "Stop right there!" He drew them close and whispered, "I want you to take me with you, coughcough."
"HUH!" The three exclaimed.
"I'm stinked out. All I want to do is have a nice little restaurant, where I can smoke joints in peace. And maybe become a pimp. Isn't that what all alien cyborgs dream of doing?"
Odorous began coughing uncontrollably at this time.
"Well, I guess we could take him with us. But you have to promise to stop all fighting immediately." OK replied.
"And no more stink, Odorous. God in heaven, there's not a worse smelling creature in the universe than you!" Annie held his nose in contempt at the robot.
"OK, I will do as you requested." Odorous gave an order through OK and Annie's remote controls. All Septicists under his control stopped fighting, and as the ship began breaking into the atmosphere, the two Couch Potatoes and the Can-Opener and the former General Odorous in two recliners landed safely on the top of a local Wal-Mart.
OK and Annie directed the former general to a place on Croissant called Crichton. Where he could be a pimp, own a restaurant, and smoke weed at the same time. If that was possible. They didn't want to argue with a nine-foot, toilet-covered, alien-robot thingy, anyway.
"Coughcoughcoughcough, thank you both for letting me live my dream." Odorous waved goodbye to the two Couch Potatoes and drove off in a pimped-out Cadillac.
OK thought to himself, if only Master Quentin Tarantino were here, he'd smack a goat with the face of Howard Stern for the event. OK turned his attention to his young Pay-Per-Viewer and said, "Come along, Annie, we must get to the Hot Potato Council. We're discussing on how to find the Lord of the Rings, I mean, the Fit." OK and Annie pimped into their recliners and sped off towards the Shirley Temple, which was their headquarters.
Master Yogi Bear and Master Face Windex were waiting anxiously on the two's arrival. "Hey BooBoo! Ya think ya could've gotten here faster! But of course, we're Couch Potatoes, and Couch Potatoes never hurry for anything!" The bear motioned for OK and Annie to follow him and Master Face.
Face continued,"We believe that the great Gourd of the Fit is none other than Can-Opener Serpentine himself!" The lesser Potatoes gasped and shook their heads. "I've seen him personally work out! He eats tofu! That alone would be enough to convict him of being Fit!
Annie couldn't believe what he was hearing, the Can-Opener had been so friendly to him, and had a presence about him...such enthusiasm...no, he mustn burst into a song right now. Couch Potatoes never sang or danced.
OK tapped Annie out of his stupor and replied to the two Masters, "I assure you, we will get to the bottom of this."
"Yeah, we'll talk to him, too." Annie replied. The two Master Potatoes shook their heads and walked to their plasma TV and sat down in front of it.
"Come, Annie." OK put his head in his hands, embarrassed. He began thinking, if only Master Quentin Tarantino were here, he'd take Annie aside and would speak to him in Mandarin Chinese Chicken, telling him how pasta and UFO's would make a horrible ham dip for the event.
"Hey BooBoo, ya think ya could change da channel, perhaps?" Yogi Bear asked his partner.
"I will...if you stop calling me BOOBOO!" OK and Annie heard the yelling even in the bottom floor. They just looked at each other and started to focus on their mission.
Can-Opener Serpentine sat up in his chair and turned to face the two Couch Potatoes standing at his desk. "Do yall thank I'm a Fit guy! Yall be crazy!"
"Serpentine, we're placing you under arrest." Another voice spoke, it was none other than Master Face himself!
"Are you threatenin me, boy?" Serpentine hissed.
"We'll let the Man decide your punishment." OK politely said.
"Naw, naw, NAW!" The Can-Opener pulled out his golf club. His appearance was turning more from sagging turkey neck and double chins to a chiseled jawline and rock-hard abs. He smiled and stated, "The Fit shall rule the galaxy! We are the Man! The Universe doesn't need such pathetic slobs as you!" His voice was turning from country bumpkin to slick male supermodel as he talked.
"Get him!" All three shouted and charged the Can-Opener. The Can-Opener screamed like a wussy and ran, not thinking that there was a glass window behind him. The Couch Potatoes kept coming and broke through the glass. OK, Annie, Face Windex, and Can-Opener Serpentine fell a long, long way. Luckily, Serpentine broke the other three's fall, therefore, the Couch Potatoes were only injured. However, the Gourd of the Fit lay dying.
"Serpentine, if only you weren't such a idiot, you wouldn't be splattered all over the sidewalk." Face spoke to him angrily. Annie couldn't take this anymore, he whacked Face Windex with his golfclub for saying that to a dying man.
"Thank you, young Annie, he was a jackass. I can tell you the secrets to being a Fit, please give me your attention as my last request." Serpentine said weakly, yet hoping Annie would take the bait. Because once you hear of being Fit, you'll want to be Fit. He told Annie everything being a Fit can be, and before Serpentine died, Annie became one of the Fit. Serpentine smiled and said, "I'm your dying Master, Annie, carry on my legacy. Destroy the Couch Potatoes, my apprentice, Dark Tater."
"Master, I never knew your real name..." Annie pleaded.
"Dark Silliness, son. That's my name." The old Fit gourd looked up to the sky, and cried out "Richard Simmons, Tony Little, John Basedow...I'm coming!" And with that, he died.
"Noooooo!" Annie stood up and began singing 'It's a Small World After All' and dancing the Riverdance around the fallen body of Dark Silliness.
OK finally came to and saw a dead Master Couch Potato, a dead Can-Opener slash Fit Gourd, and Annie dancing and singing around their bodies. He thought, if only Master Quentin Tarantino were here, he would start rapping about plastic spoons for the event.
OK, scared, ran away to the nearby city of Crichton, where the former General Odorous lived. OK noticed that the robot cyborg didn't smell bad anymore. "Odorous, you've gotta help me. I'm wanted now, will you let me in your crew?"
Odorous clapped his hand over OK's mouth, whispering, "Sure, whatever you want, dawg, but don't eva call me 'Odorous' in front of my homies and beeyotchs. My rep would go down the drain. From now on, call me 'BigBot Daddy.' Ya dig?"
OK replied, "Of course, BigBot Daddy. I'll be da best playa you got."
Though he still thought of Annie, his time was spent thinking more about what would his Master Quentin Tarantino do for the events that had unfolded before him.