One Last Candle
I never thought he would be the one to go out first. I was too blind… All I let myself see was Sara burning out that I never noticed how close he really was. I overestimated his strength.
They'll all burn out… it's only a matter of time. With every case there are slight gusts of wind that try to blow us out. Sometimes the wind is strong enough to blow out a candle, but we have more than one… we have our own army of candles.
At least that's what I used to think. I see Catherine… her candles glowing brightly, never in any true danger of burning out; just like Warrick. Sure the problems with Eddie blew some out, but with Lindsey she had plenty to get them lit once more. Warrick… he's only in danger when it comes to someone hurting his friends. I was worried when Nick went missing… I could see his guilt… he almost blew out his own flames.
Greg… he's got a lot of spirit in him, but I can see it weakening. He is quickly gaining more candles as he builds confidence, and as Sara and the others help him through being a CSI. I was watching them all so closely… I never saw this coming.
Sara was my main focus, and I can't help but wonder if she always will be. Some people have a hard life, but hers was so much worse. No one should be forced to see the actions of her mother. Seeing her sitting with Pamela Adler. I could see the emotions running rampant within her, and he knew the fact that this woman would never wake up had clearly blown out many of what few candles Sara still had… and then she had started drinking. The situation that had led to a horrifying conversation revealing what her parents had done.
And then there is Nick Stokes. Of course I was afraid when Amy Hendler pointed that gun at his face because of a mistake I made… There was Kristy Hopkins… Of course Nigel Crane was even worse. I hated seeing him looking over his shoulder at the slightest sound… I could see then that some of his candles had gone out…
I just wish I had realized that he didn't have nearly as many candles as I thought. I just saw the bright flames… I saw the intensity, but I never bothered to actually look at the candles. I saw the bright flames… and I thought he had more than all of us together… I wish I had known then just how wrong I was…
If I had… maybe he wouldn't be in this mess now. I swear if Walter Gordon hadn't killed himself I would've made sure that the job was done one way or another… It scares me to even see him now. His face seems so empty… the brightness of his candles is almost gone, and I wish I had seen how few he truly had…
And now… now there is one left… one final candle… I can see it so clearly in him, and it scares me to death that all it could be blown out with the simplest effort. The others just think he's burying his emotions… hiding them, and trying to be strong, but I think they're wrong… no, I know they're wrong. He isn't hiding anything… after the hell he went through he lost them… he has nothing left to hide.
I thought the death of Sylvia Mullins, and even Kelly Gordon would've helped him. Once again… I was so wrong… I can hardly believe I told him it was over, but thinking back… I think all I wanted was to see some type of emotion. Anything… anything to show that he was still alive, and… and not just a shell.
I'm not sure if he has quite burned out or not. I am so terrified that I can't even make myself look… I know what will happen if he burns out and everyone finds out…
The moment Nick leaves us is the moment all our candles collapse… the moment they realize that Nick isn't truly with us is the moment when we'll all be thrown into darkness… the moment where we'll all fail.
I watch everyone in the lab… I watch Brass, Sofia, Archie, Doc Robbins, Mia, even Hodges… and I wonder how many others will be that much closer to fully being blown out… or burned out…
As for myself, and my team… I know there is nothing we can do to prepare for what seems inevitable. We are completely helpless… Without Nick… we're nothing… we'll become nothing. We'll be thrown into darkness for the rest of our lives… we'll only be empty shells.
And, now, once more I find myself wondering… fearing that Nick's last candle might have already gone out, and that the next time I see him could be the very moment when everything goes completely dark… for forever…
"H-hey… Grissom…"
No… not yet Nick… you can't burn out… we need you so much more than I ever realized. I swear I would've done better if I had seen how close we were to the edge of a cliff. An edge that we'll all fall over in the darkness you may have already left us in unknowingly… Please… please have another surprise… please have at least one last candle…
"Uh… I was… I just wondered if we could talk…"
"Sure, Nick… anything…"
I can hear something in his voice… Something that gives me hope… and yet fills me with sadness and dread at the same time. Hearing the pain… the fear… but most of all the raw emotion of your voice… I… I can already see something like a slight glimmer in your eyes…
"It isn't over… I… I need… help… I need more than help… I just… I just want to feel alive again… I just want to be able to be able to laugh and smile… and have them be genuine… like they once were…"
"Why, don't you just close the door… then we can talk for as long as you want…"
I hope I make this clear to him by turning my phone off, and I stand to sit by him on the couch. He sits in a guarded position at first as he begins to tell me about his childhood… about when he was nine years old… and I take in every single word. I can see him becoming less wary… less defensive as he tells me what must be every detail of his life… and I listen intently. With each word I gain more understanding, but I have learned something even more important than that…
He has one candle left… he is still here…
I sit silently as he finishes. A quick glance at the wall shows that he's been talking for over three hours… and I give him the most comforting smile I have ever offered… Because now I also know something even more important… this can be stopped. He doesn't have to burn out…
And I give him one more caring look as I begin to speak for myself… and I begin my first steps towards helping him light his other candles once more…
I'll never forget seeing that one, dying candle… I still see it burning towards the end, but I know I don't have to worry… I can see the full light of his candles burning bright once more… I can see the warmth and emotion flow through him… I'm still afraid… but now I can find comfort in those eyes… those brown eyes that hold so much more life than I'd ever thought possible. I know in that instant that he has more candles than he has ever had before…
Now everything seems brighter… I'm surprised to see so many candles when I look at myself… and the team… And all I can do is smile… I've never seen anything so bright.
And it all came from one dying candle…
The End