The Campsite
After being subjected to infuriating perkiness from both Miss Perky and our esteemed little Wesker the campers finally arrive at the campsite. Miss Perky then proceeds to pair everyone up with their tent mates and instructs them to erect their shelter. Her choices are met with many moans, groans, and loud out cries. Most of the loud out cries are coming from Billy…
"Brad, hand me that pole." Billy is holding up the edge of the tent.
"Um…it won't bite me or anything will it?" Brad looks ready to pass out at a moment's notice.
"It's frigging steel, not a damn snake!"
Billy's shouting only causes Brad to hit the ground in four seconds flat. Billy rolls his eyes, steps over Brad's unconscious body, and picks up the tent pole. Meanwhile a few feet away Claire and Jill are attempting to get their own tent erected.
"Ok, now we have to put the pole through here." Jill gestures to the tent. "This is really simple you know?"
"Ah Jill, are you sure." Claire eyes the tent, just knowing this whole fiasco isn't going to turn out well. "We already put that other pole through there."
"I'm positive."
Jill shoves the pole through the holes and then holds it up. Instead of a neatly made dome, the tent now looks as flat as a pancake. Claire shakes her head and clucks her tongue at the condition their housing appears to be in.
"Only fools are positive you know."
"Ok, so maybe I was wrong."
"Duh."
While Jill seriously considers hitting Claire over the head with the flattened tent, Rebecca and Sherry are having their own problems.
"I think that's how it goes."
Sherry lifts up the tent which looks like a shrunken plum. At least it's better than Claire and Jill's pancake house. Rebecca kneels down, looking the tent over thoroughly.
"There are holes on the edges, I bet that's for the stakes right?"
"Their aren't any stakes. Maybe the poles go there?"
Meanwhile a few feet away…
"Ok, Barry, hand me the next pole." Ark holds his hand out, waiting patiently.
"But I'm examining it. Hope this isn't…"
But before Barry can finish his thought Billy walks up, slaps him, and then hands Ark the pole he needed.
"Enough, we already know, and we don't want to hear it!"
Billy then shakes his head, steps over unconscious Brad again, and goes back to the matter at hand. You guessed it, just a few feet from this happy, yet violent scene, Wesker and Chris are trying to put up their tent. Well, more accurately Chris is trying to put up the tent, Wesker is busy staring at birdies and humming happy tunes to himself.
"Um…Wesker, we need to finish this."
"OK!"
Chris groans at Wesker's unnatural display of chiperness and turns his attention to the tent. Secretly he's wishing the old Wesker was back, at least he was a bit of fun now and then…
Several hours and much swearing later…
The tents are finally up, leaving our poor campers at the mercy of Miss Perky.
"Alright, let's just have a nice exploration of the surrounding area. Make sure you stay with your tent mate and don't get lost. Also, bring back something you find along the way, and we'll talk about it tonight while we roast marshmallows yea!"
Everyone stares blankly as Miss Perky skips off to spread some joy to the surrounding foliage and any unsuspecting forest animals she happens to run across. Most of the campers hope she runs into a bear with PMS and gets eaten. They are wishing for it with all their little hearts. Meanwhile, a bit closer to home, Wesker jumps up and down screaming like a school girl on crack, while going on endlessly about how good marshmallows are.
"What is wrong with him, you'd think that would have worn off by now." Claire is staring at Wesker and trying not to throw up.
"I believe I have a theory." William clears his throat, jotting down several notes about the infected Wesker.
"Ok, Mr. Wizard, what's your theory?"
"The exposure to the perkiness, has awoken deep seated feelings of sensitivity and happiness in young
Albert. However due to the long period of suppression the feelings have taken the dominant role in Albert's psyche."
"Can you repeat that back in English?"
Carlos looks a bit confused, apparently he's not fluent in evil scientist. Actually he's not the only one confused, doesn't look like anyone else knows what the hell William just said either. Even Alexia looks confused and she's an evil scientist as well. Annette sighs deeply and translates.
"It means that the perkiness has caused Albert to actually have normal feelings of happiness. Of course due to his nature of being a total bastard, the feelings have sort of taken over control of the rest of his feelings."
"Interestingly enough this sudden change in his psyche also has some side effects, besides the incessant perkiness that is. Because young Albert has become overly sensitive and happy he is no longer capable of expressing emotions of anger or treacherousness. This also means that he is a…hrmm…what's the word?"
"Dad…err…William, if I understood even half of what you said, I'd help you out."
Sherry glances at Claire, but Claire just shrugs. Seems she has no idea what William said either. Annette shakes her head and translates again.
"William means that because of the perkiness Wesker isn't able to become angry anymore and he is no longer able to be evil." Annette pats her husband on the back. "The word you're looking for is wuss dear."
"No way." Said by everyone present.
"Indeed, observe"
William tucks his notes under one arm and walks to where Wesker is sitting, stepping over Brad in the process. He taps Wesker on the shoulder. As soon as Wesker turns around, William slaps him. Wesker stares at him for a moment or two before breaking down into heart wrenching sobs. Everyone stares at the now bawling Wesker and fantasizes about what kind of revenge they can take on the evil little bastard. Then Chris dampens the mood by asking the one question none of them really want to know the answer to.
"So how long is he going to be this way?"
"Well, taking into account the amount of time he's been repressed and the amount of leaked perkiness he was subjected to, not to mention the strength of the perkiness…" William makes a few notes. "I don't know."
"I guess it's a wait and see thing then." Alexia sighs. "I think I liked him better as a bastard."
"You and me both." Chris mutters, eyeing the still crying Wesker. "He must have been repressed since birth."
"Repressed is an understatement. He's more girly than Steve now." Carlos hooks thumb over his shoulder.
"Watch it." Steve growls poking Carlos in the back with a pointy stick.
"Or what, you'll die on me?" Carlos snaps, getting in Steve's face.
"Now boys." Jill steps between them. "We need to go explore now, before Miss Perky comes back."
Everyone groans, but heads out with tent mate anyway. The prospect of seeing Miss Perky again is enough to force them into the dark and scary woods. Billy grabs Brad by the ankle and drags him out of the campsite, heading for the river. Chris watches everyone move out and finally turns toward Wesker. He shakes his head and pulls Wesker to his feet.
"C'mon Wesker."
"My…sniffle…name…sniffle…is…sniffle…Albert."
"Err…right…Albert. Anyway, we have to go explore now."
"OK!"
Wesker slips instantly back into perky mode, grabs Chris by the wrist, and skips off into the woods. Chris rolls his eyes, barley keeping up.
"Alexia was right, he was better as a bastard…"
In the woods…
"Hey Brad, watch out for…"
But Billy's warning comes a bit too late. The pine cone hits Brad square in the head. He let's out a bloodcurdling scream, shattering three windows five miles away, and hides behind Billy's legs. Billy pinches the bridge of his nose, desperately wishing Brad had remained unconscious for the remainder of this stupid campout.
"Please shoot me."
Meanwhile not too far away, Kenneth and Joseph are trying to find something to bring back to camp.
"Hey Kenneth, I found something!" Joseph waves a large branch over his head. "Come take a look!"
"What?" Kenneth walks to where Joseph is kneeling. "I hope it's something cool."
Joseph holds up a stick with a pin cone attached, this does not impress Kenneth. But before he can slap him Joseph is attacked by…
…insert creepy music as needed…
…A RABID BUNNY…
Kenneth jumps to his feet as the bunnies converge on poor Joseph, guy just has no luck at all.
"Oh shit…RUN AWAY RUN AWAY!"
Kenneth takes off like…well…a rabbit on crack. He goes speeding by Jill so fast that the only thing she even catches a glimpse of is an after image. Guess we know where Wesker learned if from eh?
"What in the…"
But Jill's question is quickly answered as one of the rabid bunnies hops toward her, frothing at the mouth with eyes so red you'd think the thing had been on a three day drunk. Jill lets out a blood curdling scream, shattering three windows five miles away…I hope the guy that owns that house has good homeowners insurance. But before the bunny can attack, Chris comes to the rescue. He bursts out of the trees, brandishing a sling shot and kills the bunny dead.
"You alright?"
"Where's Claire!" Jill looks around wildly.
"Here!" Claire screams beating an advancing bunny with a sharp stick. "Little help please!"
And so Leon come crashing through the trees, running right over Steve, and kills the bunny with his own slingshot.
"We should head back to camp, it'll be a lot safer."
"Chris!" Wesker grabs Chris by the arm and cowers. "We should head back to camp!"
Apparently he didn't hear a word Leon just shouted.
"I just said that you twit."
Leon smacks Wesker up side the head, which only causes him to break down crying. Chris rolls his eyes, thinking that maybe he should just kill Wesker now and put him out of his misery. After all no one, not even the treacherous- sadistic-evil-betraying-no good-Wesker, deserves to live like this.
"Oh, good going Leon." Steve growls getting to his feet. "And watch where you're going next time idiot!"
"Will you shut up!" Leon spins around, pointing the sling shot at Steve. "Go on, make my day."
…remember children, don't try this at home…
"I'll make your day you naive moron!" Steve grabs a pine cone, holding it menacingly under Leon's nose. "Come on you pansy I'll kick your ass!"
Leon stares at the pine cone for a moment, wondering if the little high pitched moron is really serious. However, before he can ponder the matter further Claire slaps them both up side the head.
"Earth to two testosterone addicted morons, rabid bunnies are attacking us. Save your slap fight for a better time."
"Claire's right, let's move!"
With that said, Chris takes off dragging Wesker along behind him like a lost puppy. Leon, Steve, Claire, and Jill are only a step or two behind.
Not to far away from this scene of unspeakable horror we find Ark and Barry, oblivious to the carnage. Barry is examining something while Ark is looking at a few rocks trying to decide which one to take back to camp.
"Maybe…"
Ark sees Kenneth go running by…
"What's…"
Chris and Wesker go running by…
"…going…"
Jill, Claire, Leon, and Steve go running by…
"…on?"
A rabid bunny starts hoping toward him…
"Never mind." Ark drops his rock and grabs Barry by the back of the shirt. "Barry, we got to go!
"But I was examining…"
"Examine later, run now…"
Ark takes off like a shot, dragging Barry behind him. Not to far from them, also oblivious, we find Billy and Brad. For some unknown reason Brad is cowering in a tree. Billy is trying, albeit not too hard, to get him to come down.
"You don't want…"
Billy trails off as Kenneth runs by…
"…me to come…"
Jill, Leon, Claire, and Steve go running by…
"..up…"
Chris, dragging Wesker, and Ark, dragging Barry, go running by…
"…there." Billy spots the advancing bunnies. "Screw this, sit up there if you want to."
Billy takes off, brining up the rear. Brad turns slowly and spots the advancing bunnies. He screams, jumps from the tree, and hits the ground at a dead run. In a matter of seconds he's passed everyone else. Guy should be on the track team. Yup, you guessed it…not too far from them we find Alfred, Alexia, William and Annette. Although they are not quite as oblivious as everyone else, they can hear the screaming.
"I wonder what all the yelling is about?" Alfred picks up the frog, trying to decide if it is worthy enough to accompany him back to camp.
"I do not have a theory at this time." William examines his own frog, taking various notes. He glances up as Brad runs by. "Oh my young Mr. Vickers is fleeing from some manner of thing. Do you think that means that some great catastrophe has befallen the others?".
"Dear, Brad runs from everything. I'm sure there is nothing wrong with the others."
However, Annette is proven wrong when the rest of the group goes charging by.
"Was that Chris holding Albert's hand?" William jots down a few notes about this occurrence. "That is certainly interesting."
"It certainly…" Alfred is cut off in mid-thought when one of the rabid bunnies jumps him and begins nibbling his ear. "AHHH! ALEXIA!"
Alexia drops her squirrel and saunters over. She immediately spots the bunny trying to eat Alfred's ear. She promptly roasts the little bugger, singing her brother in the process.
"There there." She pats him on the head like a good little doggy. "All gone now."
"Thank you oh sweet sister of mine."
While Alfred grovels at his sister's feet, William retrieves the dead bunny. He turns it this way and that, the wheels of his little scientist mind already turning. At this point Annette is the only one paying enough attention to spot the incoming hoard of bunnies.
"Perhaps we should be running as well?"
"I feel that is an adequate action to take at this time." William tucks the bunny into his lab coat.
…Translation: Good idea…
"Thank you."
And so the four scientists take off running in much the same way as the everyone else has. Yup, not to far from them we find Enrico, Carlos, Rebecca, and Sherry. At least they've had a bit more warning what with all the screaming going on every five seconds.
"Did you hear something?" Enrico looks up from examining his chipmunk.
"Sounds like screaming or something." Rebecca tucks one of the green herbs under her arm and turns toward the noise. "Think Brad saw a spider or something?"
"Who knows." Sherry picks up a mouse by the tail. "You think Dad…err…William would like this for his experiments?"
"You never kn…"
Carlos looks up in time to see everyone else go running by. Brad in the lead, Chris and Wesker bringing up the rear. All of them being followed by several hundred bunnies. Rebecca and Sherry exchange fearful glances and take off back toward camp, passing Chris and Wesker easily. Carlos looks at Enrico then takes off as well, catching up with Leon and Steve in a matter of seconds. Enrico lets out a high girly scream and quickly follows, bypassing Chris and Wesker as well.
Then the worst possible thing happens, especially since Wesker and Chris are currently bringing up the rear, Wesker trips and falls. Chris contemplates just leaving him at the mercy of the bunnies, but it's just not in his nature. He spins around to grab him, and a bunny zeros in on his throat. Chris throws his arm up as a bunny leaps toward him. Suddenly Wesker jumps to his feet and tackles the bunny, which knocks his sunglasses off.
" I got him!"
Chris stares blankly as Wesker chokes the bunny into unconsciousness.
"He was a tough little bugger." Wesker says perkily, shoving his sunglasses into his back pocket.
"Err…uh…thanks?"
"What are friends for?"
Wesker grins brightly while Chris wears a look of dazed confusion. He quickly snaps out of it as more bunnies head their way. He grabs Wesker by the hand, throws him over his shoulder, and starts running again.
Brad makes it to camp first, really no wonder there. He is quickly followed by everyone else. Miss Perky emerges from her tent, looking as happy as usual.
"Well, what did you find?"
"Bunnies…huff…attacking…puff…" Brad chokes out.
"Attacking bunnies?" Miss Perky shakes her head, walking into her tent. "Oh dear."
"Um…shouldn't we do something!" Billy glances back and sees bunnies heading toward them at an abnormally fast pace, Brad is currently sitting on his shoulders and crying. "I mean I could throw Brad at them or something."
"Oh yes, it's much safer here." The sarcasm in Steve's voice is thick as he glares at Leon. "I mean you were so right abut the police station too. That's two for two there idiot."
"Shut up you damn puff!" Leon then hits Steve right between the eyes with a rock from his slingshot. "Where's your pine cone now BITCH?"
"Tall, brown hair, Redfield." Jill consults her clipboard, then looks toward Chris. "Chris, do you want to be a S.T.A.R.S. member when you grow up?"
"Jill, not a good time." Chris is slowing backing away with Wesker cowering behind him. "We are about to be bunny food."
"Please just answer the question."
"Yea why?"
Jill throws her clipboard aside, grabs Chris, and kisses him. Three seconds later, she releases him. Unfortunately the only thing the poor boy can do is blush and mumble a few incoherent words. Wesker actually perks up a bit and giggles like a little girl.
"Well, she finally figured it out, better late than never." Claire says. "Especially since never is going to be here in about six hops."
Just then Miss Perky merges from tent, decked out like Rambo.
"Now you children better step back."
Everyone stares at her like she's lost her mind, but move back.
"DIE YOU EVIL HELLSPAWNED BUNNIES!"
Miss Perky then opens up on the bunnies with every piece of heavy artillery she owns send yet she still sounds perky. The campers stare at her with wide eyes and open mouths. Who knew someone so perky could kick ass so efficiently.
"TIME FOR THE ULTIMATE WEAPON! THE HOLY HANDGRENADE!" Miss Perky grabs a grenade from her SWAT vest and pulls the pin. "1...2...4"
"3 m'am." Sherry squeaks.
"3!"
Miss Perky tosses the grenade into the advancing hoard of bunnies, which explodes…pieces of bunny land everywhere…
"Well, than, other than being attacked by some hell spawned bunnies, how did your walk go?"
There is a universal groan, followed by the sound of several people fainting…
OT: Wow, that was close. What horrors will our campers next be subjected to? Find out in our next exciting installment!