A/N: Yes Dan Helsing this is the chapter that has a rip-off of Evil Dead 2...I love that movie. Ash rocks!
Somewhere in the Woods…
Billy finally manages to tackle Brad to the ground, ending his wild run through the woods. While Billy wrestles with Brad, he continues to scream in a very high pitched and annoying voice. In fact I do believe he has shattered several windows in a very large condo three miles down the road. Finally Billy slaps him around a bit, gaining an extreme amount of pleasure from doing so, and Brad shuts up.
"Cool it man! You left the ghost behind like two miles back!"
"Are…are you sure?" Brad looks around nervously. "Are you positive?"
"Yes you moron!" Bill rolls his eyes and smacks Brad up side the head again. "Now…we…have…"
But Billy falls silent, as a tyrant goes running by. Brad screams and ducks behind Billy, clutching the back of his shirt and sucking on his thumb. Suddenly a lovely young Mexican woman in a U.B.C.S. uniform emerges from the undergrowth. Billy goes slack jawed and starts drooling a bit as she walks over to them.
"Did you just see a seven foot killing machine go running by?"
Billy opens and closes his mouth several times, looking like a dead fish, but no sounds come out. The young woman, hereafter referred to as Cora, arched an eyebrow at him. Brad in the meantime points a shaking arm in the direction the tyrant went.
"It went that way."
"Damn, I've been chasing that thing for like an hour now."
Cora sighs, slipping a knife back up her sleeve, apparently it has just not been a good day for her. Just as she is about to open her mouth and ask the two boys if they know of a good restaurant around these parts, Wesker comes bursting through the trees, looking quite scared. Cora looked over and grinned, rather evilly I might add.
"Is that Albert Wesker?"
Wesker takes several deep breaths trying to calm down and somehow restore his normally evil persona when he spots Cora.
"Oh shit! Is that the Mexican chick from Team Biohazard, that I like beat the hell out of!"
"Oh you bet it is you blonde, sunglass wearing freak of nature."
Wesker backs slowly away as Cora stalks toward him. I guess he doesn't realize that he in no way looks like anything even remotely evil at this point in time. Then again he's like twelve right now.
"No way you can't be here! I mean I'm like a kid right now! You shouldn't even have been born yet!"
"It's really quite simple." Cora smirks, still stalking young Wesker. "The author is ignoring every rule of time."
Brad screams and passes out in a dead faint as a cloud of black smoke pops up in the middle of the clearing. This seems to wake Billy up and he does not look happy either, I guess he knows what's coming. The burst of smoke is followed by a long fit of coughing and several obscenities. Finally W.C. steps out of the black smoke cloud, wearing Claire's outfit from RE 2.
"Damn smoke bombs." She coughs again, waiving a hand in front of her face. "Anyway, that is correct. I mean how else do you explain having Sherry running around? Besides, I love torturing characters."
She pats Wesker on the head, smiles, and disappears in another puff of black smoke. A few lingering coughs mark her leaving, along with a strange sulfur smell. Wesker balls his fists, shaking with rage.
"I really hate her."
Cora smirks, grabs Wesker by the back of the shirt, bends him over her knee, and proceeds to spank him.
"This is for trying to kill me!"
"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS YOU LITTLE $#&!"
Whether Wesker is referring to Cora or W.C. is a matter of debate. Either way he is not pleased. Billy and Brad watch in stunned silence, with big smiles on their faces. They happen to think this whole scene is funnier than hell.
Meanwhile…
Barry, Sherry, and Ark stumble into a small clearing after their harried run through the woods. Like Billy and Brad, they are completely lost and have no clue where they are.
"Ok, there has to be reasonable explanation for that ghost." Sherry mumbles, sounding a bit panicked. "I mean ghosts cannot exists, it's just not scientifically possible."
Ark stares at her. "You sound like your Dad."
Sherry moans. "Oh God, you're right."
"Umm…guys…"
Barry is glancing behind them and tugging on Sherry's shirt. Neither Sherry nor Ark are paying any attention to him.
"We need to find the others, and get back to camp." Ark says.
"Oh…guys…"
"To hell with finding everyone else!" Sherry snaps. "I say we skip the whole head back to camp thing and hike out of these crazy woods!"
"Uh…guys…."
"Sherry, I don't think that's a good idea." Ark shakes his head. "I mean, we can't just leave them behind."
"GUYS!"
Sherry and Ark both turn there heads at the same time to face Barry. Neither of them look particularly happy at the moment. And in unison they say:
"WHAT!"
"Werewolf."
"Uh…there wolf?" Ark squeaks, pointing to the large werewolf.
"This is not a Mel Brooks movie you moron!"
Sherry slaps Ark, then screams as the werewolf leaps toward her. Ark and Barry scream as a tall man with long dark hair leaps over their heads and kills the werewolf before it can eat sweet little Sherry. Sherry finds this very heroic and makes puppy eyes at the mysterious man. Barry and Ark just roll their eyes.
"Are you three alright?"
While Sherry continues to make puppy eyes and is now sighing deeply, Barry leans over and whispers to Ark.
"Who's that guy?"
"Oh that's the lead guy from Van Helsing."
"What's he doing here?"
"The author just watched that movie for like the hundredth time and decided to include him."
"Why?"
"She thinks he's a hottie."
W.C. suddenly appears in her trademark puff of black smoke. Somewhere along the way she changed clothes and is now dressed as Claire from CVX. She smiles brightly and whacks Ark several times in the head with a large baseball bat. Barry just stares, looking more confused than usual, while Sherry as trailed off after Van Helsing. Who, incidentally, is off on his quest to kill Dracula.
"Yes he is cute. Good movie!"
W.C. then disappears, following her shameless plug, in another puff of black smoke. Ark lays on the ground unconscious while Barry pokes his prone body with a stick.
Meanwhile…
Claire finds herself all alone in the woods, though this concept does not seem to bother her. In fact, she looks around for a moment, then smiled brightly.
"I feel a song coming on!"
Claire then breaks into a really bad rendition of a typical Disney song…
"When my prince will come…"
Small and insanely cute animals start to emerge from the trees. They all gather around Claire, as she continues to sing, I guess you could call that singing…I'm not entirely sure that's what it is though. I'd call it slow torture. After a few more ear splitting notes, she stops.
"Oh my, are you here to help me?"
Several of the cute little animals nod and the whole scene just looks sickening sweet. If Claire were a diabetic she'd be having a sugar overdose right now.
"Oh goody, let's be off."
Claire skips off following the cute cuddly animals through the woods…
Meanwhile…
Leon, Chris and Steve stumble through the woods, finally arriving at what appears to be a small cabin. Hesitantly, they enter…
"This place is extremely creepy." Chris mutters.
"Tell me about it." Leon mutters.
"Mommy…" Steve squeaks.
Suddenly, a blood drenched man stumbles through the front door, carry an equally blood drenched chainsaw. The three boys take one look at him and scream like five year old girls on helium. The man with the chainsaw, hereafter referred to as Ash, lifted the chainsaw looking completely insane.
"Who the hell are you!"
"Uh…we're campers?"
Chris just prays the freak won't chop them up like in Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Ash lowers the chainsaw still looking like he's lost his mind. Without warning, a headless corpse come crashing through the window and attacks Steve.
"OH GOD GET IT OFF!"
Ash springs into action, beating the corpse with an ax. Chris grabs for a nearby lamp and begins roughing up the corpse with extreme prejudice. Steve continues to scream bloody murder while Leon sits in a nearby rocking chair with a bag of popcorn. Finally Ash subdues the corpse.
"That thing is just part of it." Ash glances around, looking a bit more insane than he was five minutes ago…even though I really didn't think that was possible. "There something out there in those woods."
"We have to head back out and find my sister!"
Ash spins around and grabs Chris by the front of the shirt, lifting him off the floor.
"If she's out there, she's as good as dead! We need those pages!"
"What pages?" Leon cocks his head looking confused. "What are you talking about?"
"You didn't bring any pages from a book bound in human skin and inked in human blood?"
Ash dropped Chris, who hit the floor on his ass, and looked over at Leon. Leon and Steve exchanged glances, both of them wearing the same look on their face…Is this guy serious?
"Dude, you need a time out or something, really." Steve pats Ash on the shoulder. "They have medication for problems like yours, you should look into it."
Suddenly a dismembered hand runs through the room. At the same time, various inanimate objects start to laugh.
Chris, Steve, and Leon tip toe out, as Ash starts laughing in a very strange and Wesker-like way. Leon just shakes his head.
"That guy needs a vacation or something."
"Tell me about it." Chris mutters as he spots some people with flashlights heading toward the cabin. "Boy are those guys in for a surprise."
"Yea."
Steve comes to a sudden stop as a female's dismembered head rolls in front of him. He leans down to get a closer look when the head's eyes pop open.
"Hello lover…" It rasped, grinning eerily.
"AHHHHHH!"
Steve takes off running like his feet were on fire and his ass was catching, the dismembered head rolling after him. Chris and Leon watch him run by and shake their heads.
Meanwhile…
Jill, Alexia, Rebecca and Annette also find themselves lost in the woods. I mean really what did you expect? However before they can decide what to do two dozen demonic marionettes surround them, brandishing knives.
"Holy hell!" Jill screams.
"I hate the author!" Alexia fumes.
"The woman is a freaking sadist!" Annette growls.
"For the love of humanity, will the torture never end!" Rebecca cries.
Then from out of nowhere, a tall man with white hair and wearing in a kick ass red coat jumps into the middle of the marionettes. He dispatches them in true bad ass form, with bullets flying, sword waving, and insanely cool acrobatic moves.
"You ladies alright?"
The girls stared at Dante looking love struck. Dante didn't appear to notice. He reloaded Ebony and Ivory, then slipped them back in their respective holsters. Finally he grinned at the girls, causing them to come very, very close to swooning.
"I gotta hit the road there babes. Things to kill you know."
He headed off into the woods, whistling something to himself as the four girls trailed after him like lost puppies.
Meanwhile…
Forest, Kenneth, Joseph, and Enrico find themselves lost in the woods, just like everyone else. Forest looks around and sighs heavily.
"So uh…now what?"
Enrico shrugs. "No clue, I think W.C. ran out of ideas."
"Well there has to be something scary that could come running up and try to do us harm." Kenneth mutters. "I mean like rabid penguins or something…"
"Muffle…"
While the boys stand around, doing not much of anything, Steve goes running by being chased by the dismembered head. Enrico rolls his eyes, pinching the bridge of is nose.
"That's wasn't scary, hell it wasn't even creepy… it was just strange."
"Muffle…muffle…"
A few seconds later Claire goes skipping by being followed by several wide eyed innocent forest animals.
"Now that was scary…." Forest glanced at the other three boys, then cleared his throat. "I say we run like scared idiots now."
"Muffle!"
The boys run screaming into the woods, in the opposite direction as Claire and her little entourage.
Meanwhile…
Nemesis and Tyrant are in the middle of a rousing game of go fish…
Back at Camp
Carlos and Alfred are the only two who didn't run screaming into the woods. Well…uh…that's because the passed out upon seeing Kirie. William didn't take off either, mostly because he finds the whole subject of ghost fascinating and hopes to somehow turn them into a bio-weapon. Miss Perky didn't take off either, but then again this woman is not entirely sane either.
"So what are you doing here, this is a long way from Japan." Miss Perky grins. "Are you on vacation?"
"Actually I was on my way to see my cousin, she haunts this little cottage by a lake." Kirie smiled, spreading her many arms. "I'm afraid I got a tab bit lost."
"So are all ghosts like you are do some have certain places the haunt?"
William takes notes as Kirie goes on to explain all about ghosts…
And so the madness continues…