Title: The Tale of Marian Chapter: 18/? Rating: PG-13. Pairing: OFC/Haldir Genre: Adventure/Romance/perhaps a little Angst Timeline: AU, modern times. Beta: Kara Tanner Feedback: Welcomed, begged for, appreciated. Warnings: Some angst. Author's Note: See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.

* * * * * THE TALE OF MARIAN

CHAPTER 18 – A Taper in a Rushing Wind*

19 September

My goodbyes were few and brief. It was hardest to say goodbye to
Allinde and Callo. Allinde because, in spite of my anger and hurt at
the deception I had been subjected to, she had had no part in it and
had become a fast friend. Callo, because even though he had been ill
since I had met him, his goodness had shone through and I was not sure
he would be here by the time I returned.

I had not been able to hide my depression from Allinde, so I simply
told her about Jason, blubbering like a baby in front of the fireplace
in her library. This was embarrassing in the extreme because I never
blubbered in front of anyone. My wounded feelings for Lord Haldir I
kept to myself. She comforted me like a mother would comfort a
daughter, and reassured me that Rumil had meant no harm. She said
that I should forgive him, as I knew she would, but her words fell on
deaf ears.

Rumil - I said the strange name over and over. There was no Jason
anymore - he was dead, if he had ever been there at all. There was
only a heavy, consuming emptiness, like a black hole, beckoning me
down into its depths. I wasn't sure how hard I wanted to fight the
blackness. I am ashamed to say that in the back of my mind I even
questioned Allinde's friendship as she comforted me, so unsure was I
now of the genuineness of those around me. Yet it was her
understanding that held me back from the brink of utter despair.

And I was worried about Allinde. It was very difficult not to tell
her what Callo had said. Then again, what could I say? In spite of
his confusing warnings, I couldn't imagine how she could be in any
danger here. No, it was better not to upset her over what was
probably nothing more than the hallucinations of the very ill.

I insisted that Callo be brought along as far as the entrance doors.
He hadn't been outside since I'd arrived, and Allinde and I both
professed that it would be good for him. So, Lord Haldir allowed us a
small escort on our way out into the forest: Allinde, the healer
Lomion, Callo carried on a palfrey carried by two sentries, and
Lindir, who I was not speaking to.

Neither could I trust myself to speak to Lord Haldir except to answer
direct questions as briefly as possible, when he spoke to me at all.
For the most part he simply studied me grimly, his aloof silence more
scathing than words, and left me to wallow alone in my misery. I
would have assured him this was a wise course of action, if I had been
speaking to him; which I wasn't.

Our group gathered on the wide white marble balcony from which I had
first beheld Methentaurond a little over a month ago. Trying to keep
my composure - for I felt that I might break down at any casual
phrase; be blown over by any errant whiff of air - I stared out over
the twinkling caverns in the pre-dawn darkness, thinking that it
seemed like it had been so much longer. Though I was trying so hard
not to feel anything, trying to shut my emotions deep inside,
Methentaurond still reached through my defenses to awe me.

Then Vanimë of all people appeared with a small bundle that she
presented to me rather like, I thought, a queen bestowing a small
scrap to a peasant in passing.

I accepted the bundle from her, not sure that I could deal with her
right now and not at all sure, whatever it was, that I wanted even
more weight in my backpack. But as I took it I discovered that it was
almost weightless.

A cloak of the galadhrim, Vanimë said formally, it will shield you in
need from unfriendly eyes. She looked significantly from me to Lord
Haldir. Obviously she considered me a danger to his safety and wished
me to be as invisible as possible.

At the moment I wanted nothing more than to be invisible.

Thank you, I forced myself to say, I will use it well. A look of
understanding passed between us. At least we had found something that
we could agree on.

Allinde offered in the awkward silence that followed that such
garments were skillfully made from one length of specially woven
fabric, without waste.

I glanced at Lord Haldir's cloaks, which were of the same fabric and
color - I had a hard time deciding whether they were brown, gray,
green, or some other blended tone. He wore one wrapped around the
dark gray leggings and tunic that he favored; the other draped
gracefully from his shoulders.

I looked curiously back at Vanimë. Dared I hope that this was the
something of her own making at last, without booby-traps or other
malicious tricks to be discovered?

WHEN you return, Vanimë emphasized, I will instruct you in its making.

Caught slightly off-guard while I wondered: Did she actually want me
to come back? I told her honestly that I was very interested in her
offer.

Vanimë nodded to me. Then with a hand on her heart and low words of
farewell to Lord Haldir alone, she excused herself.

I patted Bruno on the head and frowned at Lord Haldir while we waited
for him to lead us out. I couldn't decide whether I wanted him with
me or not. So much had happened yesterday. Though he and Lindir had
deeply hurt me, I found that I loved him no less than before. How was
I going to deal with being alone with him for over a week? It hurt to
even look at him.

I felt cast adrift and almost hopeless. Almost. There is always
hope, I know, no matter how deep one sinks inside. But hope was a
shiny quarter at the bottom of a deep pool, too deep to hold my breath
to reach. Knowing that it was down there, appearing and reappearing
far under the turbulent surface, wasn't helping me right now.

I tried not to stare resentfully at Lord Haldir's small roll of
belongings as I adjusted my heavy backpack on my shoulders. He
carried little - a compact bedroll, a well-worn but finely tooled
quiver of arrows, and the long carved bow I had first seen him with.
Doubtless there were knives in his belt as well, hidden beneath his
outer cloak. He moved with ease, unencumbered by these things as
though they were a familiar extension of his body. His hair was
gathered and braided down his back, with smaller braids above each
pointed ear, and a single long lock of silken hair trailing in front
of each ear over his chest. He looked amazingly tall and strong and
masterful. Not discounting Bruno entirely, who looked completely
disgusted that he was again carrying a dog food pack on his back, Lord
Haldir looked like the best protector a woman could ask for. Then
again, he didn't look like he could blend in as a common backpacker.
Perhaps even more than Vanimë, I was nervous for him. What would we
do if he was seen?

Contrary to Lord Haldir's burdens, the weight of the few things I had
left behind was more than compensated for by the notebooks that I had
determined to bring, with the addition of a few leaves and flowers
pressed between the pages with Gladrel's permission. They were heavy
as all get-out, but how else was I going to convince anyone that I
wasn't a complete lunatic? Even with them, my chances of anyone
believing they weren't a hoax were slim.

Determining that we were ready, Lord Haldir briskly led us away from
the entrance hall and down a set of stairs away from the Great Hall,
Lindir, Callo's entourage and Bruno close on his heels. What was
this? Had he changed his mind? Allinde and I looked at each other
for answers. When she and I didn't immediately follow, he stopped and
pivoted back to us with a swirl of cloak and flaxen braids.

"Do you or do you not wish to use the Linluin Door?" he inquired of me
with that maddeningly superior look of his, and spun away from us on
his heels again.

Allinde and I followed him, but I didn't answer. I told myself that
it was too little too late - I didn't even care any more.

* * * * *

I will not say here where the Linluin Door lies, or how it is opened:
Someday this journal may fall into the wrong hands. I will only say
that Methentaurond, though underground, is organized more like
Lothlorien than I would have realized: Like a double-edged sword,
there is both security and risk in redundancy. The door was not, to
say the least, where I had been searching for it. Nor was it,
exactly, what I had been searching for. Like most things elvish, it
was so deceptively simple that you could walk past it, look at it over
and over and never see it for what it really was.

It was, I decided with a flash of anger, like Rumil. Suddenly I
didn't like this door at all.

We emerged into the moonlit forest. I had finally convinced Lord
Haldir that in spite of the elves' compulsion for secrecy, I couldn't
see well enough to travel in the dark of night. He had reluctantly
agreed to leave as early in the pre-dawn hours as possible, which I
supposed, in the mind of an elf, somehow didn't amount to the same
thing.

The rays of Ithil, as the elves called the moon, rippled across the
Linluin on a faintly chill breeze that swayed the ferns and the thin
understory of smaller, slender trees, and whispered through the boughs
of the redwoods far above. Tar-Caranorn, in these early hours before
dawn when colors faded to grays and sound, smell, and movement
reigned, was as magical and mysterious as its name.

Bruno sniffed the air in excitement, eager to be off into the trees,
but we lingered by the pool with Callo. It was a full moon, but some
stars could still be seen in the pale night sky. The sentries brought
Callo out onto the broad flat rocks over the pool and set down his
palfrey. We settled down next to him and gazed at the night sky.
Callo smiled faintly, his face thin and almost transparently pale but
still refined and beautiful, as the trees cast shifting moonshadows
across his features in the breeze. It had been good to bring him
here.

Callo lifted one hand weakly toward the sky. My eyes followed his
movement, and the shadows shifted to bathe his hand momentarily in
moonlight. I sucked in my breath and Lindir's eyes caught mine from
the other side of the palfrey, sadly warning me not to react. His
look told me that what I had seen had been no trick of the moonlight:
Callo was fading. I had seen the moon's rays filtering through, not
around, his hand.

My heart sank, if that was possible, even further than it had since
yesterday. I am certain he will be dead by the time I return. I am
thankful for the small blessing that no one else has yet become ill.
Beyond my own concerns, I fear always for all of the elves.

Lord Haldir got up to fill a water-skin in the pool, then stood and
tied it to his belt. It was the sign for us to go. I leaned close to
Callo and told him I would remember his words and promised to return
as soon as possible. I carefully kissed his cool brow, barely holding
my grief in check. I don't know if he even heard me. Then I hugged
Lomion and Allinde. I turned toward Lindir awkwardly, and realized
that even though I had tried to harden my heart toward him, I didn't
want to leave him with nothing but ill will. Regarding all else
besides Rumil, he had been a fast friend. He held out his arms and I
allowed his embrace. Aderthatham, teacher, I told him - which like
saying "au revoir" in French, means "Until we meet again;" or "We will
reunite."

Lord Haldir said his goodbyes as well, and we started down the forest
path that was dim but visible where the moonlight reached the ground.

But before we entirely left the clearing I remembered something and
stopped.

Aderthatham, Orodren! I called softly into the trees.

Aderthatham, Marian, may Ithil and Anor shine on your path, came the
faint response from far above.

* * * * *

Lord Haldir immediately established a pace that would have been
difficult for me to follow even if I had been in the best of spirits.
In my present frame of mind, each leaden step forward was an
individual concentrated decision. He and Bruno had no trouble seeing
clearly into the shadows between the moonlit areas of the trail, but I
did. I stumbled several times on unseen roots and pinecones, but held
my tongue, and struggled to hold myself together and keep up.

A few hours later as dawn neared, the clear forest air transformed
into a thin, damp fog, curling around the trunks of the huge trees in
the slight breeze, hovering just above and depositing a layer of dew
on the shadows that defined the waist-high undergrowth, and on me as
well. This was what the redwoods loved, this morning and evening fog
that their leaves drank in as it hovered all around and under their
canopies. Then slanting shafts of sunlight began to penetrate the
trees like fat, yellow laser beams and lift the fog. Stepping into
these shafts of intense brightness made the next shadowed area
momentarily impossible to see into until I stepped out of the light
and into the shadow beyond.

To me this had always been the hour that the forest was the most
beautiful, the most spiritual. Usually, I could almost feel and hear
the trees breathing in the moisture and the sunlight; feel their age
and quiet majesty. Yet the trees seemed to have turned their backs on
me this morning, and I felt nothing from the forest. I was alone and
isolated from all of the awakening things around me: the trees, the
ferns, the birds - everything.

This was an hour for predators, I thought, as I startled a small
rabbit from its hiding place under a broad fern near the edge of the
trail.

I could see that Lord Haldir was in his element, alert and vibrant,
gliding silently among the trees far ahead, with Bruno trotting behind
him. Once in a while Bruno would at least look back and wait for me
and then bound forward to walk at Lord Haldir's heels again. Probably
because I made noise walking, Lord Haldir didn't bother to look back,
but walked ahead always just enough in sight that I knew he hadn't
completely deserted me. I could see him most clearly when he stepped
through a shaft of sunlight; when his hair glinted golden in the
golden sun. He was removed from me as well, a welcomed, wild and
intangible part of the forest that had rejected me this morning. In
his elvish cloak he blended perfectly into the trees, and if the trail
bent even a little or if he stood still I would lose sight of him
completely. Of course he hadn't stood still yet, so neither had I.

I soon came to admit that swimming had not been good preparation for
hiking. The trail was mostly downhill, but my ankles and knees were
starting to get wobbly. I wasn't going to kill myself running to keep
up with His Highness all day - if I did I would be a stiff, aching
half-lame mess in the morning. I was 45 after all, not 20.

I stopped when I reached a flat, wide spot in the trail. He could
keep going if he wanted to, and my big dog too, for all I cared. I
could get lost and starve, for all he cared, I was sure.

I slid my backpack gingerly off of my shoulders and stretched my legs,
relieved to be rid of at least one burden for a short time. I pulled
off my sweatshirt and then had to slap a mosquito off of my arm. I
had run out of repellent, but at least they weren't as bad now as they
had been earlier in the summer.

As I thought he would, even though I had not called out to him Lord
Haldir turned and backtracked to me, Bruno in tow. I slapped away
another mosquito in irritation. Haldir was blond and fair-skinned,
and I was brunette. Why weren't the mosquitoes chewing him up?

"It is early yet," Lord Haldir remarked reproachfully when he reached
me.

I need five minutes, I said, and sat down.

"That is acceptable," he replied in a tone that said otherwise. Then
he disappeared in to the trees.

For once Bruno stayed with me, lying down against my hip and half
pushing me off of the rock I was perched on. Good Bruno, you big
bear, I said, stroking his thick brown fur. At least I had one friend
I could count on to be nothing but what he was.

I had better not find out that you really ARE a bear, I grumbled at
him. He smiled at me and drooled.

Five minutes later Lord Haldir returned silently out of nowhere. I
felt like Dorothy in an alternate OZ universe. I bit my tongue just
in time to stop myself from blurting out "My! People come and go so
quickly here!" in what would have been an extremely rude and sarcastic
voice. Then I saw what he held out to me in his hand: huckleberries!
- not the blue ones, but the sweet red ones whose bushes preferred the
small sunny meadows to the shade under the trees. The red ones were
not nearly as common - wherever had he found them?

I accepted the half that he offered me. I was grudgingly touched by
his gesture in spite of how deeply upset I was with him. And I wasn't
so stupid as to refuse to eat.

"These bear fair memories for you," Lord Haldir commented, easily
reading my expression.

Yes, I said, but I didn't offer an explanation. Had they been
watching me since childhood then, too, or was his comment only an
innocent reaction to my expression? I hated being so suspicious, and
right now I didn't want to know. I needed some shred of privacy, even
if it might be an illusion.

The rest of the day passed much the same way: Haldir pushing me to my
limit and only stopping when I insisted on resting. At this rate we'd
be back down at the trailhead in half the time it had taken me to get
up. I wondered, briefly at first, if something was driving him to
hurry or if this was simply his usual pace. By mid-afternoon I was
exhausted and even Bruno was lagging, and it had become a burning
question that was making my bad mood progressively fouler. Finally I
broke our long silence and asked him.

Turning and shooting me a look of triumph that I had spoken first, he
told me dispassionately that he had arranged a meeting some time
before and was averse to leaving his contact waiting for long. He had
not planned on my company nor had he expected to travel so slowly.

I told him he was completely welcome to go on without me - Bruno and I
would be fine on our own.

I was not sure of the way, he declared.

I snorted and said that I thought I could find my way back to the
beach without his help - all I had to do was go downhill until I got
there.

"I will not abandon you," he said with a hard glint in his eye, and
turned to continue down the trail with Bruno behind him. His ramrod-
stiff posture shouted that I had insulted him.

I stood up stiffly and followed.

By late afternoon I simply could not go any further. It clouded up
and began to sprinkle; then progressed to a downpour. It is only
almost Fall, but the weather is growing much colder than I brought
suitable clothes for. In spite of the elven cloak, I am soaked to the
skin. Once Lord Haldir, perfectly composed in this weather, saw me
continue to falter in the rain and the mud, he declared that we would
stop now for the night and rise again before dawn. Bruno and I
recognize this place - it is where we met Adam and his parents.

My fingers, my feet, my whole body is stiff and chilled so that I
cannot stop shaking, and the rain soaks into my very soul.

*From "You Do Not Own Me", a poem by Sara Teasdale