Title: The Tale of Marian
Chapter: 19/?
Rating: R this chapter.
Pairing: OFC/Haldir
Genre: Adventure/Romance/perhaps a little Angst
Timeline: AU, modern times.
Beta: Kara Tanner
Feedback: Welcomed.
Warnings: None.
Author's Note: See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.
* * * * * THE TALE OF MARIAN
CHAPTER 19 – The Woods Are Lovely, Dark and Deep*
21 September
It is the Autumn Solstice - the first day of Fall. Lord Haldir says
there will be a celebration in Methentaurond, with a feast, and
dancing, and songs of thanks to the Valar. Our celebration is more
humble, consisting of lembas that Narwen made for our departure -
quite good, actually - a salad of forest greens that Haldir has
promised are quite edible, venison jerky, and my leftover trail mix.
He had intended to shoot a rabbit, but I begged him not to and he
indulged me with a shake of his head and a long-suffering sigh.
I have discovered that Lord Haldir likes chocolate, but haven't let on
that I've noticed. I caught him picking the M&M's out of my trail mix
when he thought I wasn't looking. Some things are the same for elves
and men.
We have made a peace of sorts with each other, enough to move on with
though it took some doing. (The subject of his brother still hangs
heavy in the air between us.)
That first night in the unseasonally harsh downpour was the beginning.
I had tried to see through the cold sheets of rain in the darkening
forest to find a hollow tree to take shelter in, but there was none to
be found. The rain was too much for me, washing away my last reserves
of strength and leaving me raw and open to the despair that was rising
inside of me. I looked around to see that Lord Haldir had
disappeared, and Bruno too. My efforts at trying to stay dry or warm
long wasted, I took off my backpack, my cloak and my sweatshirt and
sat on the wet ground, raising my face in surrender to the pummeling
rainstorm and allowing it to finish drenching me as it was so
insistently trying to do. I was cold and weary of fighting it; weary
of fighting Haldir and myself.
The rain stopped beating on my face: I opened my eyes to see him
standing over me, holding his cloak over my head. His eyes were dark,
black almost in the gloom under the cloak.
Bruno had come back also, barking at me in agitation.
"I have found shelter," Haldir pronounced so as to be heard over the
pounding rain, and pulled me to my feet.
Lifting my backpack onto his own shoulders, he clasped his arm firmly
around me and steered me a short way down the trail. Chilled and
weaving with fatigue, I gave him no resistance when he veered off of
the trail into the undergrowth, pushing uphill through the wet ferns,
allowing him to lead me where he would. Before I even saw it he
ducked me under a low arched woven latticework of vines and small
trees. I found myself on my knees on a roomy platform strewn with a
soft layer of leaves and needles, perfectly hidden among the trees
above the trail. It smelled of fresh herbs and pitch, and was
marvelously dry inside. Haldir ducked in next to me and laid my
backpack and cloak down in a corner next to his bow and quiver.
"This is one of many hidden flets along the trails," he said, pulling
off his wet cloak and boots and laying them aside.
He spoke briefly in Bruno's ear. Bruno stopped near the entrance,
turned himself in circles and burrowed down into the leaves, his face
toward the rain outside.
"We will be safe here for the night," Haldir said, and turned to me,
his dark eyes widening with concern. I was curled in upon myself,
dripping and shivering, not caring that I looked like something dug up
off of a lake bottom.
"You must remove your wet clothing.
Marian," he said, grasping my boots and removing them himself when I
simply stared blankly at him. When he reached for my sodden t-shirt I
shakily pushed his hand away.
"Marian, you will allow me to do this for you. I do not wish you to
become ill," he said in an adamant yet reasonable voice that somehow
reached through to me, and I silently allowed him to remove my
clothing. He did so, gently, like one would a weary child. Then he
loosened my sleeping bag from my backpack and unzipped it, laying it
over me like a blanket. I stayed where he left me, my mind and body
too heavy and listless to move. My head began to clear somewhat,
however, as I saw that he had begun to remove his garments as well.
Though his body was now a familiar sight to me, this situation was
different and somehow more personal. I watched intently as he removed
his belt, tunic, undershirt and leggings in brief succession, folding
them neatly and placing his knives and bow near at hand. Then, in
nothing but a pair of what looked suspiciously like black silk
department store briefs, he slipped under the sleeping bag with me and
drew me close.
In a few moments I stopped shivering with the cold, warmed by Haldir's
body cupped around my own. As I burrowed down into the fragrant
leaves, I became acutely aware that he cradled my head on his
shoulder, his broad hard chest pressed against my back, his hips and
long muscular legs curled behind mine and his free arm wrapped around
my stomach, holding me tight against him. Every molecule of my body
coming alive against his smooth, silky, warm skin, soft chest hair
tickling my back, I snuggled back against him. Through everything
that had come between us, I had never stopped caring, aching for him.
That he had offered this new closeness, this unasked-for gift of his
bare skin on mine, renewed my desire for him tenfold. Wary of being
rejected once more but needing to reciprocate in some way, I took his
free hand in my own and kissed his fingers, then brought his hand down
to rest against my heart. He became aroused in response, his breath
growing shorter and slightly ragged, but he didn't push away from me.
He continued to hold me tightly, wordlessly against him, allowing me
to feel the hardness and heat of his desire. I breathed in the scent
of him, not daring to move, reveling in this precious intimacy that I
had craved but never expected from him, and discovering, bitter-
sweetly, that it felt righter than anything I had ever known, even
with Kevin.
He made no further move to act upon his physical condition. How many
Men would have done the same? My whole body on fire in spite of my
exhaustion, I rode on the rise and fall of his chest as he brought his
breathing under control and his arousal subsided. Perhaps pressing so
firmly against any female would have done this to him. After all, he
was only trying to help me get warm. I told myself that I should not
assume any more from it than that. Still, the rain beat on the living
roof of our shelter and he held me close and dry, feeding both my body
and soul with his warmth. He might just as easily not have offered.
Yearning to know more, I arched my back slightly and curled my legs
more tightly around his, pressing the area most in need firmly back
against the front of his loincloth. His arousal returned, and his
arms and legs tensed as he backed away a fraction of an inch.
"Marian," he protested with a low growl deep in his throat. I relaxed
my back and legs and smiled into his shoulder. So, he wasn't
completely immune from a mere mortal after all.
I'm sorry, I said softly to him a few moments later, curling my
fingers further around his hand, so much larger and stronger than
mine. I'm sorry that I yelled at you and Lindir.
"You were afraid, Marian; you remain afraid," he said sternly but
gently, and he squeezed my hand in return. "It is your own fear that
you must defeat, or it, not you, will determine your actions."
Then he whispered, almost as though he was talking to himself, "We did
not intend to hurt you, Lindir and I.
"After you came to us," he continued slowly, "I may have. . .
erred. . . in not telling you sooner."
Are you trying to apologize to me, Haldir? I asked him, turning over
far enough to see his face.
"I thought that was evident," he said a little uncomfortably. "I wish
to ask your forgiveness."
I will consider it, I replied, catching his frown as I turned back
over again. I felt him adjust his position. So, the Elf Lord did not
like to make mistakes any more than I did.
"Neither did Rumil intend to hurt you," Haldir tried to apologize for
his brother. "Rumil is alone and in peril every moment in your world,
and could not trust to strangers, even you, for his own safety."
I was not a stranger, Haldir, I said, hurting anew at the thought of
Jason. I knew him for years, or thought I did. He was not alone - he
was with me. He should have known that I wouldn't do anything to
endanger him.
He should have known, I repeated slowly, growing sleepy with fatigue,
and a tear I could not hold back escaped my eye and dropped onto
Haldir's shoulder.
"Rumil could not take the chance that even an unintentional gesture or
word on your part might reveal him. He would not have imposed this
burden on you.
Would you have come to us if you had known?" he asked me.
Yes, I replied, if he had asked me I would have come.
"You will make your peace with my brother," Haldir said after a
moment's silence, brushing the wet hair back from my face with the
utmost tenderness, speaking surely as though by his words alone it
would be so. "Anor will shine again. Sleep now. Shhhhhh. Oloro."**
* * * * *
I awoke some time in the night to find that the rain had stopped and
there was an empty space where he had lain beside me. Bruno remained
asleep in the front of the flet, and Haldir's quiver and arrows were
still there, though his knives were missing.
Stiff and sore, I put on dry clothes from my backpack and, dragging my
fingers through my hair, crawled out of the flet and into the pale
moonlight. It was clear again - I could see the stars through the
gaps in the trees. I saw him then, in a patch of moonlight, partially
dressed and reclining against the trunk of an enormous redwood.
He watched me silently as I approached and sat down beside him to look
up at the vast canopy of stars.
"The crown of Seven Stars shines brightly tonight," he commented, and
I asked him to tell me where.
"Here," he said quietly, pulling me close with our cheeks touching so
he could show me. "And here," he continued as he drew a line across
the sky from star to star with his index finger.
The Great Bear, I said when, following his finger, I recognized one of
the few constellations that I knew.
"We call it the Sickle of the Valar; a sign set in the sky by the
Great Ones to remind Morgoth of his coming doom.
There's Cassiopeia, I said and showed him the main stars in the
constellation, as best I could remember them. I told him that in myth
she was doomed to forever sit first right-side up, then upside-down
for declaring herself and her daughter the fairest of beings, fairer
even than the Greek Gods.
"It is known to us as Wilwarin - the butterfly," Haldir said. "But my
favorite will not be visible here for some weeks yet, especially from
within the trees. Soon it will appear low in the southern sky."
And what is your favorite? I asked, feeling the bliss of nestling
against his side and wanting to live this precious moment with him to
the fullest.
"Menelmacar - Swordsman of the Sky," he replied, and I smiled. How
fitting for this warrior elf to favor such a constellation.
Orion, I guessed aloud, the great hunter? Then I drew back from him
so that I could better look at his face. He is my favorite as well, I
said.
At this his features, which had been relaxed, grew quite serious.
Of course he is one of the few that I can find, I admitted wryly, not
wanting to seem too forward though it was true - Orion had always been
my favorite.
But Haldir continued to look at me quite solemnly, and took my hand in
his, intertwining our fingers as he had on the terrace not so long
ago.
"I have come to a difficult decision," he said, and I waited for him
to continue, alarmed at the gravity of his face and his voice.
"I release you from your promise," he said.
Which promise, I asked, laughing nervously. You can't mean my promise
to care for Methentaurond......but he did, I could tell from the look
in his eye, and I went suddenly numb.
So, I confronted him, in spite of how hard I have tried to live up to
your standards, I have failed you - you want to choose someone else.
Finding strength inside myself that I didn't know I had and panicking
at the thought of losing everything, I fought back. My promise was
not made to you alone, Haldir, I retorted. You have no right to
release me from it!
He bristled immediately, leaping to his feet and towering over me. "I
am the leader of my people. I have the right and I do release you."
I stood up as well, and faced him with my arms crossed, speechless at
his arrogance. I felt hurt and betrayed again. I would not lose this
task that I had invested so much in.
"You are overemotional. Your fears will become your people's fears
and they will paralyze you all. This I cannot allow."
Overemotional? I said incredulously. How very like a male, I thought,
and how very unfair.
I think I have been maintaining my emotions pretty well, considering
what you and Jason - Rumil - have put me through. Haldir, I tried to
reason with him, I am not leading right now, I am following you down a
hill. As a matter of fact, this may be the last time in my life when
I'm NOT leading someone - one time when I thought you would understand
if I wasn't confident and perfect and emotionless, like - like you.
I could see an undercurrent of nameless thoughts cross his features
one after another, then the mask covered his face again, the doors
snapped shut, the walls went up, and I knew that, without meaning to
do more than defend myself, I had hurt him again.
"I am far from emotionless, Marian, he said in a deep, hollow voice,
"but I do not allow my emotions to rule my actions. I control them,
as I must; as my position requires me to."
Even now? I asked him, miserable that I couldn't make him understand.
We are not in Methentaurond now, Haldir. Must you control what you
feel, even now when it is just you and me?
"Especially now," he said, his beautiful features becoming even more
unreadable than before; his words holding many levels of meaning that
I could only guess at.
Do you really think I could just walk away and never look back? I
asked him in disbelief, searching his face for answers. We have been
through this argument before. No, Haldir. I will not desert you. I
made a promise about something much more important than my own
feelings, and I will keep it.
You can't keep me from coming back.
Haldir raised his eyebrows at this statement but did not comment.
I can and I will do this, I continued when he still did not speak.
You gave me this responsibility and you will not take it away.
Again he was silent, and I tried to contain the rising panic that I
felt. I would prove it to him. I had to.
Besides, I said, drawing on every stubborn fiber in my being, I saw
Callo in the moonlight - you said yourself that you don't have time to
choose someone else. I would appreciate it if you would stop messing
with my head and trust me.
Finally he spoke, an unexpected look of confusion rising in his eyes.
"Have I not shown you the mallorn? he asked. "Have I not shown you
the Linluin Door and allowed you to leave, trusting that you will come
back and not betray us? My peoples' lives I have willingly placed at
your mercy. What more do you want from me, Marian?"
I couldn't find the words. What I wanted from him was his approval
and his love, but he would give me neither.
Finally I answered: I want my friend back.
"You have never lost him," Haldir replied, but I shook my head.
I'm no good at reading people, but I had a gut instinct that there was
more than one reason that Haldir was trying to let me go.
You have not been satisfied with me from the beginning. You could
have sent me away at any time, but you didn't, I said. Why now?
At first I thought he would refuse to respond. He seemed to waver a
little, which was quite uncharacteristic of him. His answer, when he
gave it, was not at all what I had expected.
"I do not wish you to continue to suffer as you have these past days,"
he said, stepping closer to me and running a finger down my cheek.
"We cannot demand so much of you, for any reason."
A lump rose in my throat, and I looked up into deep, clear ancient
eyes that had grown sorrowful and disheartened.
Is this how I had affected him by wallowing in self-pity? I scolded
myself.
My feelings have nothing to do with my promise. I will be fine,
Haldir.
Who is making emotional decisions this morning, I then asked him
boldly, for the sun was now rising through the trees.
He removed his hand and stared at me, taken aback by my words.
It's late, I said. We should be going.
Tearing my gaze away from his by a great force of will and hoping I
had not angered him, I turned toward the flet to pack my things.
* * * * *
I toughened up after that. No matter how I feel, I have determined
not to be a burden to Haldir in any way. I pushed myself harder than
ever to keep up with him, and soon we found an unspoken compromise in
our pace that was acceptable to both of us. In fact, I think we fell
in quite comfortably together, dividing our duties and complimenting
each other's efforts.
Thankfully, Haldir has not mentioned letting me go again and I hope he
has dropped the idea altogether. It doesn't matter - he won't change
my mind and he knows it. I wondered briefly if he only said it to get
me to fight back, but that doesn't matter either. If he thinks he has
seen me stubborn before, he's going to come to an awakening now.
As the last days have passed, I have recognized little things that
Haldir does - a gesture, or an expression - that remind me of Jason.
At first this only served to remind me bitterly of Rumil's deception,
but as the days have worn on I have begun to find it somewhat
endearing, and I've become curious as to what they are like when they
are together. I know I won't understand Haldir without understanding
his relationship with his brother, which appears to be quite close.
It's not every brother who chooses a younger sibling as an advisor.
In the immortal life of elves, though, perhaps birth order is not so
important.
So far we have met only two solitary hikers on the trail, it being
late in the season. On both occasions Haldir has simply disappeared
into the trees before even Bruno has known someone was coming. The
hikers both passed Bruno and me uneventfully, but we are getting
closer to the shorter trail loops nearer the trailhead. I worry more
and more what will happen when we do come across more people, on a
short weekend or day hike in the woods, or later, lingering around the
parking lot. We surely will soon.
Though it has not rained since our first night on the trail, it is
still cold at night. I was surprised but pleased when Haldir slipped
in beside me again the next evening without comment, although with
more clothes on. This sweet arrangement has continued, though it
causes me a great deal of frustration, as it appears to do him as
well. I want nothing more than to turn over and wrap myself around
him, feel him on me and inside me in that most complete of intimacies.
I want to make him groan and cry out, I want to see him lose the
monumental control that he always holds over himself and hear him lose
himself in pleasure. I long to be the pleasure that he loses himself
in.
But I don't turn over. Though I am confused at the mixed signals I
receive from him, on the terrace he told me quite clearly that there
could be nothing between us, and I remember Vanimë even more clearly
in his rooms. I am not a house-wrecker. So I lie in his arms, glad
for what intimacy he will share with me.
It is these sweet private moments before we fall asleep when we speak
of personal things, like my childhood memories of picking
huckleberries in warm summer meadows with my father or later, sharing
the same kind of sticky, messy fun with my two daughters.
In return, Haldir gives me brief glimpses into his own childhood. The
story that touched me most tenderly was this:
Haldir was a young child of 20 or so. It was a fine summer day
in Lothlorien, and his parents took him and his two brothers on
a leisurely walk, picnic basket in hands. Rumil insisted on
carrying his new bow, a gift from his father. Upon arriving at
their favorite spot outside the city, a small sunny glade along
the Niphrodel, Haldir and Orophin immediately jumped in the
stream to swim. While their mother settled in the shade near
them to relax and watch the two boyx, Rumil, eager to try his
luck with his first box, excitedly asked their father to take
him on a hunting expedition. Their father cheerfully indulged
his child, and they set off into the forest.
A leisurely hour passed along the side of the stream. The boys
became hungry, but their mother smiled and told them that they
would wait for the two to return before eating.
The next thing Haldir knew, Rumil burst through the trees and
dashed toward his mother, carrying a young gosling, its wing
obviously broken, tears running from the boy's eyes. His father
followed not far behind, a wise and gentle look of experience
upon his face. Rumil had shot the young goose, his first. But
instead of a clean kill, he had only succeeding in wounding the
creature. Aghast at the suffering he had caused, he begged his
mother to heal the bird. Their mother examined the gosling
while Haldir and Orophin hovered over her with Rumil and
comforted him with sympathetic comments from their own first
hunting experiences. Communicating all to their father with but
a look, the boys' mother declared to Rumil that the bird was
only slightly injured. She called Haldir to her side, and told
him that it was he who should heal the bird.
Haldir's mother had begun to teach him the healing arts, but he
had never been called upon before to use what he was learning in
a real situation, especially not one in which a crying sibling
was depending upon his success. His mother quieted the small
family, and slowly, with a reassuring hand on his arm, she
guided Haldir through the steps he needed to follow to heal the
bird.
Thus it was a day of firsts for Haldir as well. He grew in self-
confidence and healing ability, and was proud that he had helped
his younger brother, so much so that they cried together after
it was done and the gosling flew away above the trees.
So I learned that Haldir had set out to become a healer and a scholar
in the beginning. But as the need for the defense of Lothlorien grew,
he turned his scholarly ambitions toward learning the languages and
the ways of the strangers that increasing surrounded and confined the
elves' world, and exchanged his healing herbs for bow and arrow, and
sword. The more he trained and fought, the greater his skills and
renown as a military leader grew, the more his healing abilities
lessened. Yet he retained some skill even now, and had even
experienced somewhat of a return of his abilities as the need for
secrecy grew and the frequency of open combat decreased.
I could see this elf's pride in his family and the sweet, private side
of his heart as he told me this particular story, and a wave of
tenderness for him surged through me, so strong that for a moment I
couldn't breathe. He was laying behind me, his head propped up on his
hand, and I turned so that I was on my back looking up into eyes that
were glowing with fond memories. My own eyes must have told him what
I felt for him at that moment, for I longed to tell him that I loved
him, but I couldn't - I was still too raw from the days just past.
I was held fast by his gaze. His expression transformed into
something I couldn't fathom and he leaned down over me, closer and
closer, like he was being pulled almost against his will, like
something inside him was at war with something else, and I waited,
silently, to see what he would do. Just when his lips were almost
close enough to kiss mine, he drew away and sprang to his feet,
walking away into the night, telling me gruffly that he would return
shortly. He did so, and slipped back in silently beside me. We
slept.
It was one of such shared moments when I told him I forgave him, and
when he asked me to take Jason's ring back. I refused, and he did not
push me. He only put it back in a pouch that he carries on his belt
so that I saw where he keeps it.
"Bruno trusts Rumil," he said, and told me that soon enough I would
remember that I did as well.
Just when I started to trust my own judgement, I replied, I foudnd
that those around me were not what they seemed, and now I doubted my
ability to read people again.
Haldir said that was one reason I needed Rumil. He would help me
choose the people I needed, and he would help us find our way back.
Then he pulled out the chain with the ring on it and held it out to
me.
The only way I would ever take that ring back, I finally told him
before we went to sleep last night, was if it came from Rumil's own
hand.
It has not reappeared since. Apparently Haldir thinks that this was
some kind of admission on my part, and that he has made progress with
me on Rumil's behalf. I could have told him that this is far from the
case.
*"Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening", a poem by Robert Frost:
"...The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
**Oloro: I think this is the imperative of "dream," but I'm no elvish
linguist.
* * * * * THE TALE OF MARIAN
CHAPTER 19 – The Woods Are Lovely, Dark and Deep*
21 September
It is the Autumn Solstice - the first day of Fall. Lord Haldir says
there will be a celebration in Methentaurond, with a feast, and
dancing, and songs of thanks to the Valar. Our celebration is more
humble, consisting of lembas that Narwen made for our departure -
quite good, actually - a salad of forest greens that Haldir has
promised are quite edible, venison jerky, and my leftover trail mix.
He had intended to shoot a rabbit, but I begged him not to and he
indulged me with a shake of his head and a long-suffering sigh.
I have discovered that Lord Haldir likes chocolate, but haven't let on
that I've noticed. I caught him picking the M&M's out of my trail mix
when he thought I wasn't looking. Some things are the same for elves
and men.
We have made a peace of sorts with each other, enough to move on with
though it took some doing. (The subject of his brother still hangs
heavy in the air between us.)
That first night in the unseasonally harsh downpour was the beginning.
I had tried to see through the cold sheets of rain in the darkening
forest to find a hollow tree to take shelter in, but there was none to
be found. The rain was too much for me, washing away my last reserves
of strength and leaving me raw and open to the despair that was rising
inside of me. I looked around to see that Lord Haldir had
disappeared, and Bruno too. My efforts at trying to stay dry or warm
long wasted, I took off my backpack, my cloak and my sweatshirt and
sat on the wet ground, raising my face in surrender to the pummeling
rainstorm and allowing it to finish drenching me as it was so
insistently trying to do. I was cold and weary of fighting it; weary
of fighting Haldir and myself.
The rain stopped beating on my face: I opened my eyes to see him
standing over me, holding his cloak over my head. His eyes were dark,
black almost in the gloom under the cloak.
Bruno had come back also, barking at me in agitation.
"I have found shelter," Haldir pronounced so as to be heard over the
pounding rain, and pulled me to my feet.
Lifting my backpack onto his own shoulders, he clasped his arm firmly
around me and steered me a short way down the trail. Chilled and
weaving with fatigue, I gave him no resistance when he veered off of
the trail into the undergrowth, pushing uphill through the wet ferns,
allowing him to lead me where he would. Before I even saw it he
ducked me under a low arched woven latticework of vines and small
trees. I found myself on my knees on a roomy platform strewn with a
soft layer of leaves and needles, perfectly hidden among the trees
above the trail. It smelled of fresh herbs and pitch, and was
marvelously dry inside. Haldir ducked in next to me and laid my
backpack and cloak down in a corner next to his bow and quiver.
"This is one of many hidden flets along the trails," he said, pulling
off his wet cloak and boots and laying them aside.
He spoke briefly in Bruno's ear. Bruno stopped near the entrance,
turned himself in circles and burrowed down into the leaves, his face
toward the rain outside.
"We will be safe here for the night," Haldir said, and turned to me,
his dark eyes widening with concern. I was curled in upon myself,
dripping and shivering, not caring that I looked like something dug up
off of a lake bottom.
"You must remove your wet clothing.
Marian," he said, grasping my boots and removing them himself when I
simply stared blankly at him. When he reached for my sodden t-shirt I
shakily pushed his hand away.
"Marian, you will allow me to do this for you. I do not wish you to
become ill," he said in an adamant yet reasonable voice that somehow
reached through to me, and I silently allowed him to remove my
clothing. He did so, gently, like one would a weary child. Then he
loosened my sleeping bag from my backpack and unzipped it, laying it
over me like a blanket. I stayed where he left me, my mind and body
too heavy and listless to move. My head began to clear somewhat,
however, as I saw that he had begun to remove his garments as well.
Though his body was now a familiar sight to me, this situation was
different and somehow more personal. I watched intently as he removed
his belt, tunic, undershirt and leggings in brief succession, folding
them neatly and placing his knives and bow near at hand. Then, in
nothing but a pair of what looked suspiciously like black silk
department store briefs, he slipped under the sleeping bag with me and
drew me close.
In a few moments I stopped shivering with the cold, warmed by Haldir's
body cupped around my own. As I burrowed down into the fragrant
leaves, I became acutely aware that he cradled my head on his
shoulder, his broad hard chest pressed against my back, his hips and
long muscular legs curled behind mine and his free arm wrapped around
my stomach, holding me tight against him. Every molecule of my body
coming alive against his smooth, silky, warm skin, soft chest hair
tickling my back, I snuggled back against him. Through everything
that had come between us, I had never stopped caring, aching for him.
That he had offered this new closeness, this unasked-for gift of his
bare skin on mine, renewed my desire for him tenfold. Wary of being
rejected once more but needing to reciprocate in some way, I took his
free hand in my own and kissed his fingers, then brought his hand down
to rest against my heart. He became aroused in response, his breath
growing shorter and slightly ragged, but he didn't push away from me.
He continued to hold me tightly, wordlessly against him, allowing me
to feel the hardness and heat of his desire. I breathed in the scent
of him, not daring to move, reveling in this precious intimacy that I
had craved but never expected from him, and discovering, bitter-
sweetly, that it felt righter than anything I had ever known, even
with Kevin.
He made no further move to act upon his physical condition. How many
Men would have done the same? My whole body on fire in spite of my
exhaustion, I rode on the rise and fall of his chest as he brought his
breathing under control and his arousal subsided. Perhaps pressing so
firmly against any female would have done this to him. After all, he
was only trying to help me get warm. I told myself that I should not
assume any more from it than that. Still, the rain beat on the living
roof of our shelter and he held me close and dry, feeding both my body
and soul with his warmth. He might just as easily not have offered.
Yearning to know more, I arched my back slightly and curled my legs
more tightly around his, pressing the area most in need firmly back
against the front of his loincloth. His arousal returned, and his
arms and legs tensed as he backed away a fraction of an inch.
"Marian," he protested with a low growl deep in his throat. I relaxed
my back and legs and smiled into his shoulder. So, he wasn't
completely immune from a mere mortal after all.
I'm sorry, I said softly to him a few moments later, curling my
fingers further around his hand, so much larger and stronger than
mine. I'm sorry that I yelled at you and Lindir.
"You were afraid, Marian; you remain afraid," he said sternly but
gently, and he squeezed my hand in return. "It is your own fear that
you must defeat, or it, not you, will determine your actions."
Then he whispered, almost as though he was talking to himself, "We did
not intend to hurt you, Lindir and I.
"After you came to us," he continued slowly, "I may have. . .
erred. . . in not telling you sooner."
Are you trying to apologize to me, Haldir? I asked him, turning over
far enough to see his face.
"I thought that was evident," he said a little uncomfortably. "I wish
to ask your forgiveness."
I will consider it, I replied, catching his frown as I turned back
over again. I felt him adjust his position. So, the Elf Lord did not
like to make mistakes any more than I did.
"Neither did Rumil intend to hurt you," Haldir tried to apologize for
his brother. "Rumil is alone and in peril every moment in your world,
and could not trust to strangers, even you, for his own safety."
I was not a stranger, Haldir, I said, hurting anew at the thought of
Jason. I knew him for years, or thought I did. He was not alone - he
was with me. He should have known that I wouldn't do anything to
endanger him.
He should have known, I repeated slowly, growing sleepy with fatigue,
and a tear I could not hold back escaped my eye and dropped onto
Haldir's shoulder.
"Rumil could not take the chance that even an unintentional gesture or
word on your part might reveal him. He would not have imposed this
burden on you.
Would you have come to us if you had known?" he asked me.
Yes, I replied, if he had asked me I would have come.
"You will make your peace with my brother," Haldir said after a
moment's silence, brushing the wet hair back from my face with the
utmost tenderness, speaking surely as though by his words alone it
would be so. "Anor will shine again. Sleep now. Shhhhhh. Oloro."**
* * * * *
I awoke some time in the night to find that the rain had stopped and
there was an empty space where he had lain beside me. Bruno remained
asleep in the front of the flet, and Haldir's quiver and arrows were
still there, though his knives were missing.
Stiff and sore, I put on dry clothes from my backpack and, dragging my
fingers through my hair, crawled out of the flet and into the pale
moonlight. It was clear again - I could see the stars through the
gaps in the trees. I saw him then, in a patch of moonlight, partially
dressed and reclining against the trunk of an enormous redwood.
He watched me silently as I approached and sat down beside him to look
up at the vast canopy of stars.
"The crown of Seven Stars shines brightly tonight," he commented, and
I asked him to tell me where.
"Here," he said quietly, pulling me close with our cheeks touching so
he could show me. "And here," he continued as he drew a line across
the sky from star to star with his index finger.
The Great Bear, I said when, following his finger, I recognized one of
the few constellations that I knew.
"We call it the Sickle of the Valar; a sign set in the sky by the
Great Ones to remind Morgoth of his coming doom.
There's Cassiopeia, I said and showed him the main stars in the
constellation, as best I could remember them. I told him that in myth
she was doomed to forever sit first right-side up, then upside-down
for declaring herself and her daughter the fairest of beings, fairer
even than the Greek Gods.
"It is known to us as Wilwarin - the butterfly," Haldir said. "But my
favorite will not be visible here for some weeks yet, especially from
within the trees. Soon it will appear low in the southern sky."
And what is your favorite? I asked, feeling the bliss of nestling
against his side and wanting to live this precious moment with him to
the fullest.
"Menelmacar - Swordsman of the Sky," he replied, and I smiled. How
fitting for this warrior elf to favor such a constellation.
Orion, I guessed aloud, the great hunter? Then I drew back from him
so that I could better look at his face. He is my favorite as well, I
said.
At this his features, which had been relaxed, grew quite serious.
Of course he is one of the few that I can find, I admitted wryly, not
wanting to seem too forward though it was true - Orion had always been
my favorite.
But Haldir continued to look at me quite solemnly, and took my hand in
his, intertwining our fingers as he had on the terrace not so long
ago.
"I have come to a difficult decision," he said, and I waited for him
to continue, alarmed at the gravity of his face and his voice.
"I release you from your promise," he said.
Which promise, I asked, laughing nervously. You can't mean my promise
to care for Methentaurond......but he did, I could tell from the look
in his eye, and I went suddenly numb.
So, I confronted him, in spite of how hard I have tried to live up to
your standards, I have failed you - you want to choose someone else.
Finding strength inside myself that I didn't know I had and panicking
at the thought of losing everything, I fought back. My promise was
not made to you alone, Haldir, I retorted. You have no right to
release me from it!
He bristled immediately, leaping to his feet and towering over me. "I
am the leader of my people. I have the right and I do release you."
I stood up as well, and faced him with my arms crossed, speechless at
his arrogance. I felt hurt and betrayed again. I would not lose this
task that I had invested so much in.
"You are overemotional. Your fears will become your people's fears
and they will paralyze you all. This I cannot allow."
Overemotional? I said incredulously. How very like a male, I thought,
and how very unfair.
I think I have been maintaining my emotions pretty well, considering
what you and Jason - Rumil - have put me through. Haldir, I tried to
reason with him, I am not leading right now, I am following you down a
hill. As a matter of fact, this may be the last time in my life when
I'm NOT leading someone - one time when I thought you would understand
if I wasn't confident and perfect and emotionless, like - like you.
I could see an undercurrent of nameless thoughts cross his features
one after another, then the mask covered his face again, the doors
snapped shut, the walls went up, and I knew that, without meaning to
do more than defend myself, I had hurt him again.
"I am far from emotionless, Marian, he said in a deep, hollow voice,
"but I do not allow my emotions to rule my actions. I control them,
as I must; as my position requires me to."
Even now? I asked him, miserable that I couldn't make him understand.
We are not in Methentaurond now, Haldir. Must you control what you
feel, even now when it is just you and me?
"Especially now," he said, his beautiful features becoming even more
unreadable than before; his words holding many levels of meaning that
I could only guess at.
Do you really think I could just walk away and never look back? I
asked him in disbelief, searching his face for answers. We have been
through this argument before. No, Haldir. I will not desert you. I
made a promise about something much more important than my own
feelings, and I will keep it.
You can't keep me from coming back.
Haldir raised his eyebrows at this statement but did not comment.
I can and I will do this, I continued when he still did not speak.
You gave me this responsibility and you will not take it away.
Again he was silent, and I tried to contain the rising panic that I
felt. I would prove it to him. I had to.
Besides, I said, drawing on every stubborn fiber in my being, I saw
Callo in the moonlight - you said yourself that you don't have time to
choose someone else. I would appreciate it if you would stop messing
with my head and trust me.
Finally he spoke, an unexpected look of confusion rising in his eyes.
"Have I not shown you the mallorn? he asked. "Have I not shown you
the Linluin Door and allowed you to leave, trusting that you will come
back and not betray us? My peoples' lives I have willingly placed at
your mercy. What more do you want from me, Marian?"
I couldn't find the words. What I wanted from him was his approval
and his love, but he would give me neither.
Finally I answered: I want my friend back.
"You have never lost him," Haldir replied, but I shook my head.
I'm no good at reading people, but I had a gut instinct that there was
more than one reason that Haldir was trying to let me go.
You have not been satisfied with me from the beginning. You could
have sent me away at any time, but you didn't, I said. Why now?
At first I thought he would refuse to respond. He seemed to waver a
little, which was quite uncharacteristic of him. His answer, when he
gave it, was not at all what I had expected.
"I do not wish you to continue to suffer as you have these past days,"
he said, stepping closer to me and running a finger down my cheek.
"We cannot demand so much of you, for any reason."
A lump rose in my throat, and I looked up into deep, clear ancient
eyes that had grown sorrowful and disheartened.
Is this how I had affected him by wallowing in self-pity? I scolded
myself.
My feelings have nothing to do with my promise. I will be fine,
Haldir.
Who is making emotional decisions this morning, I then asked him
boldly, for the sun was now rising through the trees.
He removed his hand and stared at me, taken aback by my words.
It's late, I said. We should be going.
Tearing my gaze away from his by a great force of will and hoping I
had not angered him, I turned toward the flet to pack my things.
* * * * *
I toughened up after that. No matter how I feel, I have determined
not to be a burden to Haldir in any way. I pushed myself harder than
ever to keep up with him, and soon we found an unspoken compromise in
our pace that was acceptable to both of us. In fact, I think we fell
in quite comfortably together, dividing our duties and complimenting
each other's efforts.
Thankfully, Haldir has not mentioned letting me go again and I hope he
has dropped the idea altogether. It doesn't matter - he won't change
my mind and he knows it. I wondered briefly if he only said it to get
me to fight back, but that doesn't matter either. If he thinks he has
seen me stubborn before, he's going to come to an awakening now.
As the last days have passed, I have recognized little things that
Haldir does - a gesture, or an expression - that remind me of Jason.
At first this only served to remind me bitterly of Rumil's deception,
but as the days have worn on I have begun to find it somewhat
endearing, and I've become curious as to what they are like when they
are together. I know I won't understand Haldir without understanding
his relationship with his brother, which appears to be quite close.
It's not every brother who chooses a younger sibling as an advisor.
In the immortal life of elves, though, perhaps birth order is not so
important.
So far we have met only two solitary hikers on the trail, it being
late in the season. On both occasions Haldir has simply disappeared
into the trees before even Bruno has known someone was coming. The
hikers both passed Bruno and me uneventfully, but we are getting
closer to the shorter trail loops nearer the trailhead. I worry more
and more what will happen when we do come across more people, on a
short weekend or day hike in the woods, or later, lingering around the
parking lot. We surely will soon.
Though it has not rained since our first night on the trail, it is
still cold at night. I was surprised but pleased when Haldir slipped
in beside me again the next evening without comment, although with
more clothes on. This sweet arrangement has continued, though it
causes me a great deal of frustration, as it appears to do him as
well. I want nothing more than to turn over and wrap myself around
him, feel him on me and inside me in that most complete of intimacies.
I want to make him groan and cry out, I want to see him lose the
monumental control that he always holds over himself and hear him lose
himself in pleasure. I long to be the pleasure that he loses himself
in.
But I don't turn over. Though I am confused at the mixed signals I
receive from him, on the terrace he told me quite clearly that there
could be nothing between us, and I remember Vanimë even more clearly
in his rooms. I am not a house-wrecker. So I lie in his arms, glad
for what intimacy he will share with me.
It is these sweet private moments before we fall asleep when we speak
of personal things, like my childhood memories of picking
huckleberries in warm summer meadows with my father or later, sharing
the same kind of sticky, messy fun with my two daughters.
In return, Haldir gives me brief glimpses into his own childhood. The
story that touched me most tenderly was this:
Haldir was a young child of 20 or so. It was a fine summer day
in Lothlorien, and his parents took him and his two brothers on
a leisurely walk, picnic basket in hands. Rumil insisted on
carrying his new bow, a gift from his father. Upon arriving at
their favorite spot outside the city, a small sunny glade along
the Niphrodel, Haldir and Orophin immediately jumped in the
stream to swim. While their mother settled in the shade near
them to relax and watch the two boyx, Rumil, eager to try his
luck with his first box, excitedly asked their father to take
him on a hunting expedition. Their father cheerfully indulged
his child, and they set off into the forest.
A leisurely hour passed along the side of the stream. The boys
became hungry, but their mother smiled and told them that they
would wait for the two to return before eating.
The next thing Haldir knew, Rumil burst through the trees and
dashed toward his mother, carrying a young gosling, its wing
obviously broken, tears running from the boy's eyes. His father
followed not far behind, a wise and gentle look of experience
upon his face. Rumil had shot the young goose, his first. But
instead of a clean kill, he had only succeeding in wounding the
creature. Aghast at the suffering he had caused, he begged his
mother to heal the bird. Their mother examined the gosling
while Haldir and Orophin hovered over her with Rumil and
comforted him with sympathetic comments from their own first
hunting experiences. Communicating all to their father with but
a look, the boys' mother declared to Rumil that the bird was
only slightly injured. She called Haldir to her side, and told
him that it was he who should heal the bird.
Haldir's mother had begun to teach him the healing arts, but he
had never been called upon before to use what he was learning in
a real situation, especially not one in which a crying sibling
was depending upon his success. His mother quieted the small
family, and slowly, with a reassuring hand on his arm, she
guided Haldir through the steps he needed to follow to heal the
bird.
Thus it was a day of firsts for Haldir as well. He grew in self-
confidence and healing ability, and was proud that he had helped
his younger brother, so much so that they cried together after
it was done and the gosling flew away above the trees.
So I learned that Haldir had set out to become a healer and a scholar
in the beginning. But as the need for the defense of Lothlorien grew,
he turned his scholarly ambitions toward learning the languages and
the ways of the strangers that increasing surrounded and confined the
elves' world, and exchanged his healing herbs for bow and arrow, and
sword. The more he trained and fought, the greater his skills and
renown as a military leader grew, the more his healing abilities
lessened. Yet he retained some skill even now, and had even
experienced somewhat of a return of his abilities as the need for
secrecy grew and the frequency of open combat decreased.
I could see this elf's pride in his family and the sweet, private side
of his heart as he told me this particular story, and a wave of
tenderness for him surged through me, so strong that for a moment I
couldn't breathe. He was laying behind me, his head propped up on his
hand, and I turned so that I was on my back looking up into eyes that
were glowing with fond memories. My own eyes must have told him what
I felt for him at that moment, for I longed to tell him that I loved
him, but I couldn't - I was still too raw from the days just past.
I was held fast by his gaze. His expression transformed into
something I couldn't fathom and he leaned down over me, closer and
closer, like he was being pulled almost against his will, like
something inside him was at war with something else, and I waited,
silently, to see what he would do. Just when his lips were almost
close enough to kiss mine, he drew away and sprang to his feet,
walking away into the night, telling me gruffly that he would return
shortly. He did so, and slipped back in silently beside me. We
slept.
It was one of such shared moments when I told him I forgave him, and
when he asked me to take Jason's ring back. I refused, and he did not
push me. He only put it back in a pouch that he carries on his belt
so that I saw where he keeps it.
"Bruno trusts Rumil," he said, and told me that soon enough I would
remember that I did as well.
Just when I started to trust my own judgement, I replied, I foudnd
that those around me were not what they seemed, and now I doubted my
ability to read people again.
Haldir said that was one reason I needed Rumil. He would help me
choose the people I needed, and he would help us find our way back.
Then he pulled out the chain with the ring on it and held it out to
me.
The only way I would ever take that ring back, I finally told him
before we went to sleep last night, was if it came from Rumil's own
hand.
It has not reappeared since. Apparently Haldir thinks that this was
some kind of admission on my part, and that he has made progress with
me on Rumil's behalf. I could have told him that this is far from the
case.
*"Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening", a poem by Robert Frost:
"...The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep."
**Oloro: I think this is the imperative of "dream," but I'm no elvish
linguist.