Title: The Tale of Marian
Chapter: 21/?
Rating: PG-13 this chapter.
Pairing: OFC/Haldir
Genre: Adventure/Romance/perhaps a little Angst
Timeline: AU, modern times.
Beta: None this chapter. The wonderful Kara Tanner is busy as a bee this
month!
Feedback: Welcomed, begged for, appreciated.
Warnings: None.
Author's Notes:
See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.
This is a work in progress.
THE TALE OF MARIAN
CHAPTER 21 –
That day was pure Morgoth. Have you ever ridden nine hours - NINE HOURS - in a car with someone who wouldn't speak to you?
Not one word.
Not one single word the entire way home, with only a dog for company. A big dog thatthatwho took, might I add, more than his share of the back seat and my lap the whole way back. .
I was lucky that Marian had to stop for food or the restroom once in a while, although I think the cheeseburger and fries made her sick. It was too bad, really, after she hummed "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "'cause you're my cheeseburger, my yummy cheeseburger, I'll wait for you-oo, yes..." under her breath for an hour before we reached a town that had a burger stand. Each time we stopped I ran, mind you, to beat her back to the car: Just in case. Our fight, or aggravating lack of one, might have been funny if I hadn't seen how badly I had hurt her, for her to act this way toward me. Still, I didn't think I deserved THIS kind of abuse.
I could see that some of her displeasure wasn't directed at me. She looked like a tourist who was disgusted with this new, strange place that she had landed in, like it wasn't at all the vacation paradise the brochures had advertised. at all. Indeed, the ways of the race of Men are quite different from those of the Elves. I find your race fascinating and imaginative in many ways; thoughtless and tragic in others. My brother Haldir, the serious one, grewhadgrew grown somewhat bitter and weary toward you over time, and saw your ways as just plain wrong: So much energy, so much creativity and drive - so often focused in the wrong direction. You were; so much more like Morgoth than like any of the other Valar, according to him and many of the others who hadhave remained. I worried about him... True, you mortals are a mystery to us, and your ways are strange, but I was more hopeful about your future than Haldir was. Marian stared at the traffic, the parking lots, the overflowing garbage cans as though she had never seen them before. The noise seemed particularly to bother her. Perhaps Marian was seeing the Second Children clearly for the first time; seeing what she and you could be. You could be so much more, if only you could recognize your unique potential. If only you could see that everything would be so much better if you lived WITH Arda instead of just ON it. Arda could be a veritable Eden for olvar and kelvar alike. That is what I held out hope for - that Marian could help you see.
But first I had to win her back. Even with all of the people I had known who had come and gone through the ages, even knowing her time on this earth to be very, very short, still Marian's friendship was priceless to me. Charming as I was, it wasn't going to be easy, but I knew I could bring her around. And I would have to do it soon, if she was to accept the help from me that she would need.
I wished Orophin was here to talk to.
25 September
I dropped Jason off at his apartment and came straight home. When he
got out of the car he told me he would see me at work tomorrow. Ed
was anxious to have me back. All I could do was nod - I couldn't even
look at him, all the way back. He made overtures in my direction a
few times, but after that he was silent, giving me the space I
desperately needed. Think of that - Jason, not talking.
Why can't I call him Rumil? Why can't I speak to him? The moment I
set eyes on him - handsome, blond, sweet Jason standing there by that
pretty red Corvette - I froze. Then he embraced his brother, a mutual
gesture of such pure joy on both of their parts that my anger at him
melted away, and only the hurt remained. When he turned to me, the
hurt was enough.
The family resemblance was obvious. Haldir and Rumil, like opposite
sides of the same, beautifully crafted coin - one noble and serious,
the other noble and carefree.[funloving]. I wondered what their
brother, Orophin, was like. Not that I would ever see him.
I could see what defined the elf in him then - all of those things
that had made Jason so unique: his pale beauty, his grace, his quick
wit, his wisdom and caring disguised as narcissism and sugar-coated
with platitudes and clever teasing - but I still couldn't tell he was
anything other than just Jason. His demeanor still defied his true
nature, his appearance still deceiveddeceivedtricked my eyes.
I don'tdon'tdon't know what to say to him. I feel like such a fool.
I was relieved when Marian showed up for work the next morning. I knew she was wondering what the point was - she had already left this life behind. She had much more important things to do.
Single-minded as she was, if left to her own devices she might have changed course immediately with a tailwind at her back, leaving a wake of family, friends and associates, her sails unfurled for all the world to see. Only in hindsight would she have realized how obvious the change in her would have been. The surprise would have led to questions, then to scrutiny, which would have led to disaster.
She was altogether too willing to see the good in people and dismiss the bad. It wasn't naiveté, it was the way she looked at life, and I loved her for it. That's why she needed me: to keep her on course.
And that's why, when I saw her head straight for the door to Ed's office I was there first to clear her path and shut the door behind her. Ed looked up from the overflowing piles of paperwork on his desk and gave me his mind- your-own-business look. I happened to be inside, not outside, the door. I get that look from him a lot. As usual I ignored it and sat down next to Marian, who was studiously ignoring me. I ignored that too, which as you might expect was not a particularly effective response.
Ed glared at me a little longer. I gave him my most ingratiating smile. Then, since Marian wasn't complaining (at least out loud), he shook his head at me in exasperation and turned his attention to her. I get that a lot from him, too.
"You realize that your nosey friend here saved your butt, don't you?"
She looked at our boss in surprise. Clearly she had come in to the office expecting either to quit or be fired, not to discover that she still had a job. She knew as well as anyone that no busy architectural office on the face of Arda could afford to lose an architect on a major project or float an unoccupied desk for a month. No one, no matter how talented, was that indispensable.
"That's right Marian," Ed continued bluntly. "Jason took your clients and your projects as well as his own. He hasn't worked less than twelve hours a day six days a week since you left. He's tired and he's an even bigger pain in the ass than usual. Some kind of midlife crisis, he says, though I'm sure he's lying through his teeth. But I don't care what it was as long as your work gets done and as long as it's over now. Tell me it's over."
"It's over," she lied, looking at me briefly for the first time and seeing me shoot her a warning look.
"It had better be. You owe him big time. And you owe me, too. Now get out of here and get back to work."
"Out!" he said when neither of us moved. We got out. Then Marian turned around and went back into his office and kissed him on the cheek. Ed turned beet red and shooshed her out again, shaking his head and slamming the door behind him.
I followed Marian back to her cubicle, where she said the first words to me that she had uttered since I met her at the trailhead.
"Get away from me, Jason."
"We need to talk, my dear," I replied to her in a low voice.
"I am not your. . . " Marian began.
"Marian, you're back!" Billie squealed as she came around the corner. "I knew you wouldn't desert us, not like SOME people thought," she said pointedly at the head of one of the job captains, Tom, appeared over the partition.
"Just hoping for a promotion. Welcome back, Marian," To grinned and his head disappeared again.
"Winesmith after work to fill us in on your vacation?" Billie offered.
"Great idea," I cut in before Marian could refuse. "I'll kidnap her and deliver her myself."
"Good. 6:00 then. Everyone's dying of envy. A whole month! We need to know your secret," Billie said in a mysterious voice, and disappeared back around the corner.
"Oh God," Marian cussed faintly, sitting down on her stool. I winced at the expression - Marian had never been able to get out of the habit. But now was not the time to remind her.
I grabbed a set of drawings off of my desk and told her to come into the back conference room. I'd bring her up to date on the changes that the library client had asked me to make while she'd been gone. I made sure I was loud enough to be overheard, and shoved a notepad into her hand. Nodding resignedly, she grabbed a pen and followed me across the office, sliding the ceiling-high glass doors of the conference room closed behind us.
"What do you think you are doing?" she demanded as I spread the drawings out on the expansive table and sat down facing the door.
"Come sit down next to me and look at this floor plan and I'll tell you," I said, glancing meaningfully out through the etched glass to the hallway and the busy workstations beyond. "Stop panicking."
"I am not panicking," she protested, sitting down with me at last. "You know I don't have time to work 10 hours a day and accomplish what I really need to do: What all of YOU need me to do."
She flipped the drawings to the upper floor plan and waited, her attention caught momentarily by something different in the vicinity of the Children's Reading Area that I was quite proud of, her posture stiff.
"I have to do it right. . . Rumil," she accused me quietly.
Ah! A chink in the armor at last. A small peace offering. I relaxed a little, realizing how extremely tense I had been since she had returned. I gazed at her face while she turned over another sheet and evaluated what I had done with a practiced eye. Then I understood - she wasn't angry at me. She was embarrassed. She had been close to me for so long and I had fooled her. She had come to trust me as a dear friend in a time of need, and she was afraid I had played a long, cruel joke on her. How could I make her understand that I'd had no choice, that she had not been used? How could I make it up to her?
"I think it would be best if you continued to call me Jason, if that's all right with you," I told her miserably.
"Ok."
She turned over another sheet, to the exterior elevations.
"It's vital that everything appears to be normal. You needed to have more time to yourself, to decide if your life was going in the direction you wanted it to. You decided to come back. Everything's fine. Come to the Winesmith with me tonight. Take a day to settle back in. Tomorrow night we'll work late, use the resources here. You know how much faster these computers are than either of ours at home. And you can tell me what you need to do." I waited for her response, hoping I wasn't leading her too much.
She rolled up the drawings and stood to go. I could see her movements were still tense, her brows knit. She ran her fingers through her hair, staring at the table. She straightened her back. I could almost see her gathering her professional persona around her like a shield.
"The work you and Kathy did on the drawings - it looks good. Thank you for taking care of her while I was gone."
"My pleasure," I said as she slid the conference room doors open.
It was only after she had walked briskly out of the room and into the organized chaos beyond that I realized she hadn't answered me; that not once since the briefest of moments in Ed's office had she looked me in the eye.
26 September
I am home. This day seemed like it would never end, though every tick
of the office clock reminded me of the precious wasted time slipping
by. The hour spent at the wine bar with Billie and Jason and other
people from the office that I counted as friends seemed even longer,
since I spent most of that time lying to them. I felt rotten about
it, but I knew that Jason was right - nothing could jeopardize the
elves' secret, now my secret as well. I wondered if this was how he
felt every day, or if the games he played had simply become habit.
Their home, their existence could only be revealed when the time was
right; only when I knew it was ready - and only on my own terms. I
followed Jason's example: I pretended that nothing had changed - when
everything had changed. I had changed. No - I have only finally
become who I truly am.
Home. I unlocked the door tonight and stood next to Bruno in my house
that was three times bigger than my talan in Methentaurond, and many
times emptier. Bruno was unsure of himself because I had never
allowed him inside before. I told him he was welcome now, as long as
he didn't mess the carpet. He gave me a blank stare and fidgeted.
Maybe he only understood elvish. "Mae govannen," I said
experimentally. Getting no immediate response, I decided to go back
outside and bring in the rest of my gear from the car. I was too
tired to do it last night.
I hope tonight will be easier than last night. Last night was hard.
I spent an entire week with Haldir, days and nights; I had shared
intimate memories and a physical closeness that I treasured every
moment of. I had slept each night with his arms around me. Then he
left, and my heart went with him. My own bed is no comfort to me -
this is still my house, for now, but my home and my heart lay
elsewhere. I lay awake for hours last night missing him, wondering
where he was and whether or not he was safe; whether he missed me at
all. The months before I will see him again stretch out before me
like an eternity.
I saw that my garden and house plants had been watered. My furniture
had been shined, not a speck of dust anywhere. Jason must have done
it just before he left to pick me up; dust began settling back on
surfaces here as soon as you wiped them off and turned your back.
Just as likely, though, he had talked one of his many girlfriends into
it. That made me shudder - what stranger was walking around town now,
gossiping about Marian's house? Or maybe, being an elf, he had just
twitched his nose and the house had dusted itself. That was silly, I
told myself. Get a grip.
I opened my refrigerator with dread, anticipating sour milk and moldy
bread. Instead, it was as clean as could be, with a bowl of fruit and
a myriad of other new items sitting invitingly in the middle. Was
there anything Jason had not thought of? How perfect could one man
be? It was plain that I would either have to marry him or kill him.
At the moment my inclinations ran to the latter. I would have to
remember to make him give me back my key.
Then I saw that even my bills had been paid, laid out in a fan like a
short deck of Tahoe playing cards on a blackjack table. Jason's sense
of humor, something you could count on, like the sun rising every day.
Feeling a stab of guilt, I shook off thoughts of our silent ride back
and returned to the car.
Though the sun was close to setting the air rising from my gravel
driveway was still shimmering, the Sierra Nevada foothills a tired,
uncomfortable contrast to the spellbinding ocean and the cool, lush,
nearly seasonless forests I had just come from.
A hot breeze floated down the parched canyon, tickling my face and
rustling the yellw-brown leaves of the oaks and the withering
grapevines. It murmured lazily through the lodgepole pines scattered
along the hillside. The pines were supposed to have taproots as long
as they were tall. Roots ran deep here - they had to. So did love,
and friendship. At least that was what I had believed. Had Jason
taken care of my things out of friendship, or something else - a way
to soften me before the confrontation that we both knew was coming,
perhaps? I tried not to think of this, concentrating instead on the
thick layer of orange clay dust on the manzanitas. The clinging dust
attested to the long, dry summer; the threat of fire now at its worst;
the promise of fall rains still weeks away.
I brought in my sleeping bag and backpack, setting my things out in my
bedroom like I was in a hotel room. This was appropriate, I thought.
I probably wouldn't be spending that much more time here.
Grateful for the evening breeze, I made a final trip out to the car to
get the other neatly folded bundle that Haldir had placed in the car.
I raised the trunk lid and carefully lifted it out. It was one of
Haldir's cloaks. I dismissed the brief thought that he might have
left it by accident as soon as it entered my mind - the Lord of
Methentaurond never did anything by accident. Laying it down on the
shaded deck I folded back the top layer of soft elvish fabric.
Nestled in the middle in a bed of fern leaves was a bright red mound
of huckleberries.
The house is still hot, and I can't abide the air conditioner running
at night. I have settled into a lounge chair on the deck, munching
huckleberries, at once both sweet and slightly bitter. I am watching
the Milky Way appear above the tops of the pines in the darkening sky,
picking out satellites as they arc overhead. Unlike those that must
hide their presence from a land they were once caretakers of, I am
free to see the satellites, and for them to see me. The air has
cooled and I have wrapped Haldir's cloak around me. I am growing
drowsy with its soft warmth and the precious scent of him that ilngers
in its folds. I will sleep outside tonight, and think of him. Like
Scarlett O'Hara, I will think about Jason and the rest of the world
tomorrow.
The next day Marian and I stayed in the office, waiting for the last evening stragglers to leave the building. My efforts to engage her in conversation were rebuffed, but gently, and she stole a glance at me now and then. She was warming back up to me, I could tell. I am irresistible, after all.
Finally the office was empty, the hum of electronics more prominent without voices to overshadow it, the phones reduced to an occasional night ring that the answering machines automatically picked up. Oh you mortals and your indispensable gadgets! I have learned to use and even enjoy them, but I am not a slave to them as you have chosen to be. Elves have other ways, ways that you would call magic because you do not understand and we cannot teach you. Which ways are better? Perhaps the Valar know, but I do not. I will not judge you for your inventiveness and its unanticipated consequences as others might, remembering that Morgoth, too, was enamored of machines. Now it is those who wield "magic" that you suspect of a lust for power and evil, not those who wield the machines.
Marian broke my reverie by wheeling her chair nearer to mine, actually looking at me, and holding a piece of paper temptingly in front of her. It was just beyond my long reach, which she anticipated with experienced accuracy.
"You want to know what my plans are. They are on this paper, plain and simple. You say you want to help me," she said in a hard voice. "I will admit to you that I need it. But first, you will tell me everything. I am sick of being fed bits and pieces of something I have only begun to understand. I am weary of shocks and surprises, and I can't take it anymore." Then her voice became less hard, taking on a tone that spoke to me of the hurt I had caused. "If you really are my friend, then tell me and start at the beginning.
That was my Marian: Get straight to the point and no wasting small talk. Glancing behnd her, I was encouraged to see that she had not removed the redwood screensaver from her computer.
Yes, I owed it to her to tell her everything. But I couldn't start at the beginning, exactly. The beginning is usually not where we think it is. Only the Valar knew when the Song of the Ainur began, and what came before. I chose to start in Lothlorien.
I told her of the Lady Galadriel's journey into the West. She nodded when I told her that Haldir and I had escorted her, Lord Elrond, Orophin and his bond-mate, and many others to the ships of the Havens to depart with Bilbo and Frodo the halflings. We had accompanied them to honor them and to say our farewells until at a time of our own choosing we should follow.
There before the gray ships, with the call of the gulls on the westerly wind, our Lady turned a last fair and shining gaze on me and Haldir, and gifted us with these words:
"Do not be dismayed that you do not join your brother, for your love of Arda is yet great, and must be heeded. You remain for some purpose that has not been revealed to me. You must discover it in your own way, and in your own time. You will know in your hearts when you are ready to come once more to the Sea. We shall await you.
And this also I will offer you, for it may comfort you on your journeys still in this land," she continued, and searched our very souls with the depths of her wise, shining eyes:
"Haldir, mellon nin, faithful guardian," she began, and then by her long silence and by the single tear that traced my brother's cheek I knew she was speaking only for him.
"Rumil, Pen-muin, joy of the Golden Wood, she said, and showed me a face in my mind, a vision from the mirror in her garden.
"It was your face, Marian," I told her, and she looked at me in wonder. "In my mind, this is what she said to me:
"Arda will come to a time of great need. You will know when this occurs, for it will be a time of great sadness, even illness, among you. You will smell it in the air; you will feel it in the water and in the land. But do not despair; for there is always hope.
She will be of the Dunedain, though she will know it not. She will dwell in a city of gold, near this sundering ocean, near the lost shore upon which we now stand. Arda will need her; your brother will need her. Help him find her."
Then she turned again to Haldir, and with Lord Elrond charged him with our safe return to the West. We did not understand her meaning for a long time after, for Celeborn was Lord of Lothlorien still, and we vowed to remain in his service.
She began to board the ship, but paused and turned to me with one of her enigmatic smiles. Do you know what I heard her say to me?"
I got a look from Marian that said plainly "of course not, you idiot."
"She said, 'You will like her, Rumil'"
I could see that she was still putting things together, still not convinced of my sincerity or that she would be spoken of so long ago. I could see that she was nervous about it all.
"Lindir said that Galadriel left ages ago," Marian said. "What happened after that? How did you know that I would be here?"
"We returned to Celeborn, and our home. For a time we joined with King Aragorn, ridding Middle Earth as best we could of the evils that lingered in the dark corners of the land. Lindir has doubtless told you of the deeds that we, most notably Haldir, did in those times. Travel became safe again. It was a time of peace and prosperity, earned with countless lives. But our Lord grew dismayed, it seemed, in Lothlorien without his Lady. When he departed for the HOuse of Elrond he freed us from his service, for he saw that many of us could not bear ot leave the forests that had borne us. He charged Haldir with lordshpi of Lothlorien, and we remained in the mellyrn that we loved. While Aragorn and his sons yet lived, our home was a sacred place, and Men did not venture there except in need. Yet time passed. Without the Ring of Adamant the forests began to die, the land to change. We retreated at last to the hidden vales of Imladris and rejoined Celeborn once more.
Then one spring day the grandsons of Aragorn came to the Ford of Bruinen, bearing gifts and requesting audience with Lord Celeborn. They were welcomed gladly in Imladris. Celeborn and Haldir took counsel with them for many days and nights, there in the circle on the terrace of Lord Elrond's Chambers. We did not know it then, but Celeborn had at last felt the Call of the Sea.
In the end, I was charged with the keeping of Imladris until Haldir returned. He went with our Lord, as did hte grandsons of Aragorn, to bid him farewell in fair Lindon.
When Haldir returned, he brought news that Cirdan the shipwright and his people had departed into the West as well. The last of the Great Ones, the Eldar who had journeyed to Arda from the West and had seen the Valar with their own eyes, had returned home at long last. We were alone."
"But Jason," Marian protested quietly, "you were not really alone."
"No, we were not. Thought the exodus of Cirdan dismayed us, the Valar still gave us hope; my brother gave our people strength. We remembered the words of the Lady of Light and were comforted. And for a time the world of Men left us in peace.
Men multiplied and thrived, expanding ever more from the east and the south. We retreated ever north and west. The line of Aragorn was dispersed and lost. Kingdoms and continents alike broke apart, changed, and merged again. Much that we had known was lost. Those of us that remained were feared and then forgotten. We became first legend, then little more than myth. They were gray times, Marian, and their stories are long and full of small joys among deep sorrow. I will not burden you with them. We retreated to the deep forests, the caves, and the starlight. Some we lost along the way, as they chose their own paths in the shrinking wilderness.
Finally we found in the deep, lost forests of Tar-Caranorn a haven. The trees remembered and welcomed us. We claimed the forests and the caves we discovered there as our home. WE vowed to instill in our new home some of the forgotten glory of our distant past. So in the likeness of Lothlorien and of fair Nargothrond of the first age we built what you saw before you - Methentaurond. It is our greatest joy and my brother's crowning achievement, that we have made such a home for our kin once more. We would gladly give our lives to protect it."
"It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen," Marian said. "How will you bear to leave it?"
"It wil be difficult, for Haldir most of all. He loves Arda deeply. There are many things that he will grieve to leave behind." Not the least of which, I thought to myself, will be you, dear Marian.
"He - Haldir I mean - he seems troubled. I worry about him, Jason. He paces his terrace at night as though he can't rest. He needs you. Are you sure you should be here with me instead of with him?"
"Haldir does not 'pace,'" I laughed. Then I saw how serious she was. "Haldir can take care of himself. You need not worry for him."
"But he seems so. . . cold at times. Pitiless, even."
"You must understand that Haldir was not always so grave. Actually, he used to be much more fun," I teased. "He played the harp - not entirely well, I might add - and sang, and made as merry as the merriest among us."
"And that would be you, no doubt," she interrupted dryly.
"Of course," I replied. "But Haldir's responsibilities weigh heavily upon him, and they are many. He took the Lady's words to heart, as well he should have. He is a great leader, and has held our people together through many trials. Then the sickness came, as Galadriel foretold. He feels responsible, and I cannot convince him otherwise.
If he seems harsh at times, it is only because it is what he thinks he needs to do. He is ever mindful of his duty. If he gets too obsessive about it, I straighten him out. Do not judge him too strongly."
That at least got a small smile out of her, but didn't dispel the worry I could see in her eyes; the worry, and the love.
"I don't judge him at all, Jason. It's just. . . it doesn't feel right to me, sometimes. It's hard to explain. But he has been better since we left - happier, less troubled." She shrugged, and changed the subject. She was talking to me at last, and that was good. Then again, it was getting late, and I was getting hungry.
"So. All of those vacations to Switzerland, you were really. . . "
". . . in Methentaurond, with Haldir," I finished for her. "And when I am not there to advise him, Vanimë is."
At this she looked down and seemed to close herself off. So, Vanimë had not been exactly welcoming, as I had thought.
"HOw long have you been here, Jason? How did you know where to look for me? There have been many cities of gold, many near the ocean. Mexico and the Aztecs; El Dorado, or the myth of its existence. How did you choose this place, and why now?"
"Don't think I wasn't at all of those places," I replied jokingly. "And in many others as well. Your image stayed in my mind. You didn't look like a Spaniard, or an Aztec princess. Still, I had to go just to be sure.
Let's just say that when the California Gold Rush came, I had a feeling. Would it be only a coincidence that it was not so very far from Methentaurond, that although we were scattered all over the world, what we called our home would be, if we understood Galadriel's words, not so very far from the long lost Grey Havens?" I shook my head. "There are few coincidences in life, Marian. There are opportunities, pattersn, congruences. I believed the Valar were telling us that this was the place.
But it wasn't yet the time."
"You were here during the Gold Rush?" Marian exclaimed in disbelief.
I smiled. "Yes. Myself, and others."
"You mined for gold?"
"Marian, please," I snorted. "Mining is for dwarves. Let's just say that I was in the right place when the gold dust fell between the floorboards. So you see, you don't have to sell your house. We can afford anything you need."
"You are a rascal!" she accused quite unfairly, but I had made her happy. Could I help it if people were careless, drunk, or stupid?"
"How did you get away with it? she demanded. "How are you getting away with it now? I know you're an. . . what you are, and I still can't see it. Why?"
She had been looking at me quite closely for some time, and I could tell what she needed.
"I will not be offended if you touch me," I told her gently. "On the contrary, I have been trying to get you to touch me for years."
Marian got out of her chair and I rose to meet her, removing the band that held back my hair. Slowly and with a trembling had, her eyes never leaving my face, she slid her fingers along my temple and lifted the hair up and over my left ear. Her face clouded with a look of utter confusion. Then she raised her other hand and lifted my hair up over my right ear. She frowned and looked closer. I tilted my head down toward hers, and let her. Then she looked in my eyes again, a look I will never forget, and held my face with the tenderest of touches.
"Oh Jason, NO!" she cried, and the tears began to fall. We held each other, while she wept.
I had not anticipated that Marian would react so emotionally to my appearance. It was clear that she didn't understand what she was seeing, and I had made a very bad mistake.
I hugged her and tried to get her to listen to me.
"Marian, don't cry, please," I begged her. "It's not what you think - it's just prosthetics. Look at me, please. It's all right. Look at me," I repeated, and pried her off of my chest.
"I haven't cut them off, they're just pinned back, with fake earlobes on top. Sweetheart, look," I said, and pulled at the glue that was holding the rounded upper lobes onto my own ears.
"Oh," she said with a gasp, sniffing and smiling at me sheepishly while she wiped her eyes. "Oh thank goodness you haven't done anything horrible to yourself, just over me."
"Marian," I said reasonably. "Do you think that my ears are the only thing that makes me. . . what I am? If you lost part of your ear, would it make you any less a woman? It is the fea - the spirit - that is important, not the body only. I could never be anything but what I am, no matter what happened."
"Well," she said uncomfortably, "it seems to me from having twisting Lindir's that they are a little more sensitive to you than they are to me. I wouldn't want you to lose anything. . . uh. . . pleasurable, or am I guessing wrongly?"
"You twisted Lindir's ears - and lived? Whatever for? I wish I had been there to see it!" I couldn't help but burst into laughter.
"I did it because I didn't believe him. It appeared to be extremely painful," she commented guiltily.
"Indeed, I am sure it was pure agony, as you have guessed quite correctly."
"Jason, I can't see your, uh, aura, your "fea," like Haldir and the others. I don't understand. It's almost like Callo, when he started to fade. Is there something wrong?"
"No, nothing is amiss. It can be made less noticeable in need," I told her. "It just takes practice. Haldir has, and will, do the same while he is among Men."
An uncomfortable silence followed. This was the moment I had dreaded most.
"Marian," I began and took her hands in mine. "I know that I have deeply hurt you because I didn't tell you about myself," I felt quite awkward. This hurt my pride greatly, as I have not been awkward since I was an elfling, and that was a very, very long time ago.
"It's alright, Jason. I understand. At first I was too hurt and angry to want to understand, but I do now. Really. We're ok."
"You mean the world to me, Marian," I said with great relief. "I would miss fighting and arguing with you so much I would surely die if you rejected me, but I'll understand if you do. I really am your friend, dearest. I always will be."
"I know, Jason. I'm sorry for thinking anything else. I'm sorry I've been such a jerk," she said, and hugged me tightly again, almost desperately. This repaired my pride quite nicely. "I've missed you so much!"
"I've missed you, too, more than you know. Mmmm. You know, I could get used to this. Just move your hand a little bit further this way. . . "
"Jason!"
From "I Am Not Yours," a poem by Sara Teasdale. "The Cheeseburger Song", from the CD "Silly Songs with Larry," VegeTales. Olvar: Things that grow in one place - plants, trees. Kelvar: Things that walk the earth - animals, people.
Pen-muin: Dear one.
THE TALE OF MARIAN
CHAPTER 21 –
That day was pure Morgoth. Have you ever ridden nine hours - NINE HOURS - in a car with someone who wouldn't speak to you?
Not one word.
Not one single word the entire way home, with only a dog for company. A big dog thatthatwho took, might I add, more than his share of the back seat and my lap the whole way back. .
I was lucky that Marian had to stop for food or the restroom once in a while, although I think the cheeseburger and fries made her sick. It was too bad, really, after she hummed "Cheeseburger in Paradise" and "'cause you're my cheeseburger, my yummy cheeseburger, I'll wait for you-oo, yes..." under her breath for an hour before we reached a town that had a burger stand. Each time we stopped I ran, mind you, to beat her back to the car: Just in case. Our fight, or aggravating lack of one, might have been funny if I hadn't seen how badly I had hurt her, for her to act this way toward me. Still, I didn't think I deserved THIS kind of abuse.
I could see that some of her displeasure wasn't directed at me. She looked like a tourist who was disgusted with this new, strange place that she had landed in, like it wasn't at all the vacation paradise the brochures had advertised. at all. Indeed, the ways of the race of Men are quite different from those of the Elves. I find your race fascinating and imaginative in many ways; thoughtless and tragic in others. My brother Haldir, the serious one, grewhadgrew grown somewhat bitter and weary toward you over time, and saw your ways as just plain wrong: So much energy, so much creativity and drive - so often focused in the wrong direction. You were; so much more like Morgoth than like any of the other Valar, according to him and many of the others who hadhave remained. I worried about him... True, you mortals are a mystery to us, and your ways are strange, but I was more hopeful about your future than Haldir was. Marian stared at the traffic, the parking lots, the overflowing garbage cans as though she had never seen them before. The noise seemed particularly to bother her. Perhaps Marian was seeing the Second Children clearly for the first time; seeing what she and you could be. You could be so much more, if only you could recognize your unique potential. If only you could see that everything would be so much better if you lived WITH Arda instead of just ON it. Arda could be a veritable Eden for olvar and kelvar alike. That is what I held out hope for - that Marian could help you see.
But first I had to win her back. Even with all of the people I had known who had come and gone through the ages, even knowing her time on this earth to be very, very short, still Marian's friendship was priceless to me. Charming as I was, it wasn't going to be easy, but I knew I could bring her around. And I would have to do it soon, if she was to accept the help from me that she would need.
I wished Orophin was here to talk to.
25 September
I dropped Jason off at his apartment and came straight home. When he
got out of the car he told me he would see me at work tomorrow. Ed
was anxious to have me back. All I could do was nod - I couldn't even
look at him, all the way back. He made overtures in my direction a
few times, but after that he was silent, giving me the space I
desperately needed. Think of that - Jason, not talking.
Why can't I call him Rumil? Why can't I speak to him? The moment I
set eyes on him - handsome, blond, sweet Jason standing there by that
pretty red Corvette - I froze. Then he embraced his brother, a mutual
gesture of such pure joy on both of their parts that my anger at him
melted away, and only the hurt remained. When he turned to me, the
hurt was enough.
The family resemblance was obvious. Haldir and Rumil, like opposite
sides of the same, beautifully crafted coin - one noble and serious,
the other noble and carefree.[funloving]. I wondered what their
brother, Orophin, was like. Not that I would ever see him.
I could see what defined the elf in him then - all of those things
that had made Jason so unique: his pale beauty, his grace, his quick
wit, his wisdom and caring disguised as narcissism and sugar-coated
with platitudes and clever teasing - but I still couldn't tell he was
anything other than just Jason. His demeanor still defied his true
nature, his appearance still deceiveddeceivedtricked my eyes.
I don'tdon'tdon't know what to say to him. I feel like such a fool.
I was relieved when Marian showed up for work the next morning. I knew she was wondering what the point was - she had already left this life behind. She had much more important things to do.
Single-minded as she was, if left to her own devices she might have changed course immediately with a tailwind at her back, leaving a wake of family, friends and associates, her sails unfurled for all the world to see. Only in hindsight would she have realized how obvious the change in her would have been. The surprise would have led to questions, then to scrutiny, which would have led to disaster.
She was altogether too willing to see the good in people and dismiss the bad. It wasn't naiveté, it was the way she looked at life, and I loved her for it. That's why she needed me: to keep her on course.
And that's why, when I saw her head straight for the door to Ed's office I was there first to clear her path and shut the door behind her. Ed looked up from the overflowing piles of paperwork on his desk and gave me his mind- your-own-business look. I happened to be inside, not outside, the door. I get that look from him a lot. As usual I ignored it and sat down next to Marian, who was studiously ignoring me. I ignored that too, which as you might expect was not a particularly effective response.
Ed glared at me a little longer. I gave him my most ingratiating smile. Then, since Marian wasn't complaining (at least out loud), he shook his head at me in exasperation and turned his attention to her. I get that a lot from him, too.
"You realize that your nosey friend here saved your butt, don't you?"
She looked at our boss in surprise. Clearly she had come in to the office expecting either to quit or be fired, not to discover that she still had a job. She knew as well as anyone that no busy architectural office on the face of Arda could afford to lose an architect on a major project or float an unoccupied desk for a month. No one, no matter how talented, was that indispensable.
"That's right Marian," Ed continued bluntly. "Jason took your clients and your projects as well as his own. He hasn't worked less than twelve hours a day six days a week since you left. He's tired and he's an even bigger pain in the ass than usual. Some kind of midlife crisis, he says, though I'm sure he's lying through his teeth. But I don't care what it was as long as your work gets done and as long as it's over now. Tell me it's over."
"It's over," she lied, looking at me briefly for the first time and seeing me shoot her a warning look.
"It had better be. You owe him big time. And you owe me, too. Now get out of here and get back to work."
"Out!" he said when neither of us moved. We got out. Then Marian turned around and went back into his office and kissed him on the cheek. Ed turned beet red and shooshed her out again, shaking his head and slamming the door behind him.
I followed Marian back to her cubicle, where she said the first words to me that she had uttered since I met her at the trailhead.
"Get away from me, Jason."
"We need to talk, my dear," I replied to her in a low voice.
"I am not your. . . " Marian began.
"Marian, you're back!" Billie squealed as she came around the corner. "I knew you wouldn't desert us, not like SOME people thought," she said pointedly at the head of one of the job captains, Tom, appeared over the partition.
"Just hoping for a promotion. Welcome back, Marian," To grinned and his head disappeared again.
"Winesmith after work to fill us in on your vacation?" Billie offered.
"Great idea," I cut in before Marian could refuse. "I'll kidnap her and deliver her myself."
"Good. 6:00 then. Everyone's dying of envy. A whole month! We need to know your secret," Billie said in a mysterious voice, and disappeared back around the corner.
"Oh God," Marian cussed faintly, sitting down on her stool. I winced at the expression - Marian had never been able to get out of the habit. But now was not the time to remind her.
I grabbed a set of drawings off of my desk and told her to come into the back conference room. I'd bring her up to date on the changes that the library client had asked me to make while she'd been gone. I made sure I was loud enough to be overheard, and shoved a notepad into her hand. Nodding resignedly, she grabbed a pen and followed me across the office, sliding the ceiling-high glass doors of the conference room closed behind us.
"What do you think you are doing?" she demanded as I spread the drawings out on the expansive table and sat down facing the door.
"Come sit down next to me and look at this floor plan and I'll tell you," I said, glancing meaningfully out through the etched glass to the hallway and the busy workstations beyond. "Stop panicking."
"I am not panicking," she protested, sitting down with me at last. "You know I don't have time to work 10 hours a day and accomplish what I really need to do: What all of YOU need me to do."
She flipped the drawings to the upper floor plan and waited, her attention caught momentarily by something different in the vicinity of the Children's Reading Area that I was quite proud of, her posture stiff.
"I have to do it right. . . Rumil," she accused me quietly.
Ah! A chink in the armor at last. A small peace offering. I relaxed a little, realizing how extremely tense I had been since she had returned. I gazed at her face while she turned over another sheet and evaluated what I had done with a practiced eye. Then I understood - she wasn't angry at me. She was embarrassed. She had been close to me for so long and I had fooled her. She had come to trust me as a dear friend in a time of need, and she was afraid I had played a long, cruel joke on her. How could I make her understand that I'd had no choice, that she had not been used? How could I make it up to her?
"I think it would be best if you continued to call me Jason, if that's all right with you," I told her miserably.
"Ok."
She turned over another sheet, to the exterior elevations.
"It's vital that everything appears to be normal. You needed to have more time to yourself, to decide if your life was going in the direction you wanted it to. You decided to come back. Everything's fine. Come to the Winesmith with me tonight. Take a day to settle back in. Tomorrow night we'll work late, use the resources here. You know how much faster these computers are than either of ours at home. And you can tell me what you need to do." I waited for her response, hoping I wasn't leading her too much.
She rolled up the drawings and stood to go. I could see her movements were still tense, her brows knit. She ran her fingers through her hair, staring at the table. She straightened her back. I could almost see her gathering her professional persona around her like a shield.
"The work you and Kathy did on the drawings - it looks good. Thank you for taking care of her while I was gone."
"My pleasure," I said as she slid the conference room doors open.
It was only after she had walked briskly out of the room and into the organized chaos beyond that I realized she hadn't answered me; that not once since the briefest of moments in Ed's office had she looked me in the eye.
26 September
I am home. This day seemed like it would never end, though every tick
of the office clock reminded me of the precious wasted time slipping
by. The hour spent at the wine bar with Billie and Jason and other
people from the office that I counted as friends seemed even longer,
since I spent most of that time lying to them. I felt rotten about
it, but I knew that Jason was right - nothing could jeopardize the
elves' secret, now my secret as well. I wondered if this was how he
felt every day, or if the games he played had simply become habit.
Their home, their existence could only be revealed when the time was
right; only when I knew it was ready - and only on my own terms. I
followed Jason's example: I pretended that nothing had changed - when
everything had changed. I had changed. No - I have only finally
become who I truly am.
Home. I unlocked the door tonight and stood next to Bruno in my house
that was three times bigger than my talan in Methentaurond, and many
times emptier. Bruno was unsure of himself because I had never
allowed him inside before. I told him he was welcome now, as long as
he didn't mess the carpet. He gave me a blank stare and fidgeted.
Maybe he only understood elvish. "Mae govannen," I said
experimentally. Getting no immediate response, I decided to go back
outside and bring in the rest of my gear from the car. I was too
tired to do it last night.
I hope tonight will be easier than last night. Last night was hard.
I spent an entire week with Haldir, days and nights; I had shared
intimate memories and a physical closeness that I treasured every
moment of. I had slept each night with his arms around me. Then he
left, and my heart went with him. My own bed is no comfort to me -
this is still my house, for now, but my home and my heart lay
elsewhere. I lay awake for hours last night missing him, wondering
where he was and whether or not he was safe; whether he missed me at
all. The months before I will see him again stretch out before me
like an eternity.
I saw that my garden and house plants had been watered. My furniture
had been shined, not a speck of dust anywhere. Jason must have done
it just before he left to pick me up; dust began settling back on
surfaces here as soon as you wiped them off and turned your back.
Just as likely, though, he had talked one of his many girlfriends into
it. That made me shudder - what stranger was walking around town now,
gossiping about Marian's house? Or maybe, being an elf, he had just
twitched his nose and the house had dusted itself. That was silly, I
told myself. Get a grip.
I opened my refrigerator with dread, anticipating sour milk and moldy
bread. Instead, it was as clean as could be, with a bowl of fruit and
a myriad of other new items sitting invitingly in the middle. Was
there anything Jason had not thought of? How perfect could one man
be? It was plain that I would either have to marry him or kill him.
At the moment my inclinations ran to the latter. I would have to
remember to make him give me back my key.
Then I saw that even my bills had been paid, laid out in a fan like a
short deck of Tahoe playing cards on a blackjack table. Jason's sense
of humor, something you could count on, like the sun rising every day.
Feeling a stab of guilt, I shook off thoughts of our silent ride back
and returned to the car.
Though the sun was close to setting the air rising from my gravel
driveway was still shimmering, the Sierra Nevada foothills a tired,
uncomfortable contrast to the spellbinding ocean and the cool, lush,
nearly seasonless forests I had just come from.
A hot breeze floated down the parched canyon, tickling my face and
rustling the yellw-brown leaves of the oaks and the withering
grapevines. It murmured lazily through the lodgepole pines scattered
along the hillside. The pines were supposed to have taproots as long
as they were tall. Roots ran deep here - they had to. So did love,
and friendship. At least that was what I had believed. Had Jason
taken care of my things out of friendship, or something else - a way
to soften me before the confrontation that we both knew was coming,
perhaps? I tried not to think of this, concentrating instead on the
thick layer of orange clay dust on the manzanitas. The clinging dust
attested to the long, dry summer; the threat of fire now at its worst;
the promise of fall rains still weeks away.
I brought in my sleeping bag and backpack, setting my things out in my
bedroom like I was in a hotel room. This was appropriate, I thought.
I probably wouldn't be spending that much more time here.
Grateful for the evening breeze, I made a final trip out to the car to
get the other neatly folded bundle that Haldir had placed in the car.
I raised the trunk lid and carefully lifted it out. It was one of
Haldir's cloaks. I dismissed the brief thought that he might have
left it by accident as soon as it entered my mind - the Lord of
Methentaurond never did anything by accident. Laying it down on the
shaded deck I folded back the top layer of soft elvish fabric.
Nestled in the middle in a bed of fern leaves was a bright red mound
of huckleberries.
The house is still hot, and I can't abide the air conditioner running
at night. I have settled into a lounge chair on the deck, munching
huckleberries, at once both sweet and slightly bitter. I am watching
the Milky Way appear above the tops of the pines in the darkening sky,
picking out satellites as they arc overhead. Unlike those that must
hide their presence from a land they were once caretakers of, I am
free to see the satellites, and for them to see me. The air has
cooled and I have wrapped Haldir's cloak around me. I am growing
drowsy with its soft warmth and the precious scent of him that ilngers
in its folds. I will sleep outside tonight, and think of him. Like
Scarlett O'Hara, I will think about Jason and the rest of the world
tomorrow.
The next day Marian and I stayed in the office, waiting for the last evening stragglers to leave the building. My efforts to engage her in conversation were rebuffed, but gently, and she stole a glance at me now and then. She was warming back up to me, I could tell. I am irresistible, after all.
Finally the office was empty, the hum of electronics more prominent without voices to overshadow it, the phones reduced to an occasional night ring that the answering machines automatically picked up. Oh you mortals and your indispensable gadgets! I have learned to use and even enjoy them, but I am not a slave to them as you have chosen to be. Elves have other ways, ways that you would call magic because you do not understand and we cannot teach you. Which ways are better? Perhaps the Valar know, but I do not. I will not judge you for your inventiveness and its unanticipated consequences as others might, remembering that Morgoth, too, was enamored of machines. Now it is those who wield "magic" that you suspect of a lust for power and evil, not those who wield the machines.
Marian broke my reverie by wheeling her chair nearer to mine, actually looking at me, and holding a piece of paper temptingly in front of her. It was just beyond my long reach, which she anticipated with experienced accuracy.
"You want to know what my plans are. They are on this paper, plain and simple. You say you want to help me," she said in a hard voice. "I will admit to you that I need it. But first, you will tell me everything. I am sick of being fed bits and pieces of something I have only begun to understand. I am weary of shocks and surprises, and I can't take it anymore." Then her voice became less hard, taking on a tone that spoke to me of the hurt I had caused. "If you really are my friend, then tell me and start at the beginning.
That was my Marian: Get straight to the point and no wasting small talk. Glancing behnd her, I was encouraged to see that she had not removed the redwood screensaver from her computer.
Yes, I owed it to her to tell her everything. But I couldn't start at the beginning, exactly. The beginning is usually not where we think it is. Only the Valar knew when the Song of the Ainur began, and what came before. I chose to start in Lothlorien.
I told her of the Lady Galadriel's journey into the West. She nodded when I told her that Haldir and I had escorted her, Lord Elrond, Orophin and his bond-mate, and many others to the ships of the Havens to depart with Bilbo and Frodo the halflings. We had accompanied them to honor them and to say our farewells until at a time of our own choosing we should follow.
There before the gray ships, with the call of the gulls on the westerly wind, our Lady turned a last fair and shining gaze on me and Haldir, and gifted us with these words:
"Do not be dismayed that you do not join your brother, for your love of Arda is yet great, and must be heeded. You remain for some purpose that has not been revealed to me. You must discover it in your own way, and in your own time. You will know in your hearts when you are ready to come once more to the Sea. We shall await you.
And this also I will offer you, for it may comfort you on your journeys still in this land," she continued, and searched our very souls with the depths of her wise, shining eyes:
"Haldir, mellon nin, faithful guardian," she began, and then by her long silence and by the single tear that traced my brother's cheek I knew she was speaking only for him.
"Rumil, Pen-muin, joy of the Golden Wood, she said, and showed me a face in my mind, a vision from the mirror in her garden.
"It was your face, Marian," I told her, and she looked at me in wonder. "In my mind, this is what she said to me:
"Arda will come to a time of great need. You will know when this occurs, for it will be a time of great sadness, even illness, among you. You will smell it in the air; you will feel it in the water and in the land. But do not despair; for there is always hope.
She will be of the Dunedain, though she will know it not. She will dwell in a city of gold, near this sundering ocean, near the lost shore upon which we now stand. Arda will need her; your brother will need her. Help him find her."
Then she turned again to Haldir, and with Lord Elrond charged him with our safe return to the West. We did not understand her meaning for a long time after, for Celeborn was Lord of Lothlorien still, and we vowed to remain in his service.
She began to board the ship, but paused and turned to me with one of her enigmatic smiles. Do you know what I heard her say to me?"
I got a look from Marian that said plainly "of course not, you idiot."
"She said, 'You will like her, Rumil'"
I could see that she was still putting things together, still not convinced of my sincerity or that she would be spoken of so long ago. I could see that she was nervous about it all.
"Lindir said that Galadriel left ages ago," Marian said. "What happened after that? How did you know that I would be here?"
"We returned to Celeborn, and our home. For a time we joined with King Aragorn, ridding Middle Earth as best we could of the evils that lingered in the dark corners of the land. Lindir has doubtless told you of the deeds that we, most notably Haldir, did in those times. Travel became safe again. It was a time of peace and prosperity, earned with countless lives. But our Lord grew dismayed, it seemed, in Lothlorien without his Lady. When he departed for the HOuse of Elrond he freed us from his service, for he saw that many of us could not bear ot leave the forests that had borne us. He charged Haldir with lordshpi of Lothlorien, and we remained in the mellyrn that we loved. While Aragorn and his sons yet lived, our home was a sacred place, and Men did not venture there except in need. Yet time passed. Without the Ring of Adamant the forests began to die, the land to change. We retreated at last to the hidden vales of Imladris and rejoined Celeborn once more.
Then one spring day the grandsons of Aragorn came to the Ford of Bruinen, bearing gifts and requesting audience with Lord Celeborn. They were welcomed gladly in Imladris. Celeborn and Haldir took counsel with them for many days and nights, there in the circle on the terrace of Lord Elrond's Chambers. We did not know it then, but Celeborn had at last felt the Call of the Sea.
In the end, I was charged with the keeping of Imladris until Haldir returned. He went with our Lord, as did hte grandsons of Aragorn, to bid him farewell in fair Lindon.
When Haldir returned, he brought news that Cirdan the shipwright and his people had departed into the West as well. The last of the Great Ones, the Eldar who had journeyed to Arda from the West and had seen the Valar with their own eyes, had returned home at long last. We were alone."
"But Jason," Marian protested quietly, "you were not really alone."
"No, we were not. Thought the exodus of Cirdan dismayed us, the Valar still gave us hope; my brother gave our people strength. We remembered the words of the Lady of Light and were comforted. And for a time the world of Men left us in peace.
Men multiplied and thrived, expanding ever more from the east and the south. We retreated ever north and west. The line of Aragorn was dispersed and lost. Kingdoms and continents alike broke apart, changed, and merged again. Much that we had known was lost. Those of us that remained were feared and then forgotten. We became first legend, then little more than myth. They were gray times, Marian, and their stories are long and full of small joys among deep sorrow. I will not burden you with them. We retreated to the deep forests, the caves, and the starlight. Some we lost along the way, as they chose their own paths in the shrinking wilderness.
Finally we found in the deep, lost forests of Tar-Caranorn a haven. The trees remembered and welcomed us. We claimed the forests and the caves we discovered there as our home. WE vowed to instill in our new home some of the forgotten glory of our distant past. So in the likeness of Lothlorien and of fair Nargothrond of the first age we built what you saw before you - Methentaurond. It is our greatest joy and my brother's crowning achievement, that we have made such a home for our kin once more. We would gladly give our lives to protect it."
"It is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen," Marian said. "How will you bear to leave it?"
"It wil be difficult, for Haldir most of all. He loves Arda deeply. There are many things that he will grieve to leave behind." Not the least of which, I thought to myself, will be you, dear Marian.
"He - Haldir I mean - he seems troubled. I worry about him, Jason. He paces his terrace at night as though he can't rest. He needs you. Are you sure you should be here with me instead of with him?"
"Haldir does not 'pace,'" I laughed. Then I saw how serious she was. "Haldir can take care of himself. You need not worry for him."
"But he seems so. . . cold at times. Pitiless, even."
"You must understand that Haldir was not always so grave. Actually, he used to be much more fun," I teased. "He played the harp - not entirely well, I might add - and sang, and made as merry as the merriest among us."
"And that would be you, no doubt," she interrupted dryly.
"Of course," I replied. "But Haldir's responsibilities weigh heavily upon him, and they are many. He took the Lady's words to heart, as well he should have. He is a great leader, and has held our people together through many trials. Then the sickness came, as Galadriel foretold. He feels responsible, and I cannot convince him otherwise.
If he seems harsh at times, it is only because it is what he thinks he needs to do. He is ever mindful of his duty. If he gets too obsessive about it, I straighten him out. Do not judge him too strongly."
That at least got a small smile out of her, but didn't dispel the worry I could see in her eyes; the worry, and the love.
"I don't judge him at all, Jason. It's just. . . it doesn't feel right to me, sometimes. It's hard to explain. But he has been better since we left - happier, less troubled." She shrugged, and changed the subject. She was talking to me at last, and that was good. Then again, it was getting late, and I was getting hungry.
"So. All of those vacations to Switzerland, you were really. . . "
". . . in Methentaurond, with Haldir," I finished for her. "And when I am not there to advise him, Vanimë is."
At this she looked down and seemed to close herself off. So, Vanimë had not been exactly welcoming, as I had thought.
"HOw long have you been here, Jason? How did you know where to look for me? There have been many cities of gold, many near the ocean. Mexico and the Aztecs; El Dorado, or the myth of its existence. How did you choose this place, and why now?"
"Don't think I wasn't at all of those places," I replied jokingly. "And in many others as well. Your image stayed in my mind. You didn't look like a Spaniard, or an Aztec princess. Still, I had to go just to be sure.
Let's just say that when the California Gold Rush came, I had a feeling. Would it be only a coincidence that it was not so very far from Methentaurond, that although we were scattered all over the world, what we called our home would be, if we understood Galadriel's words, not so very far from the long lost Grey Havens?" I shook my head. "There are few coincidences in life, Marian. There are opportunities, pattersn, congruences. I believed the Valar were telling us that this was the place.
But it wasn't yet the time."
"You were here during the Gold Rush?" Marian exclaimed in disbelief.
I smiled. "Yes. Myself, and others."
"You mined for gold?"
"Marian, please," I snorted. "Mining is for dwarves. Let's just say that I was in the right place when the gold dust fell between the floorboards. So you see, you don't have to sell your house. We can afford anything you need."
"You are a rascal!" she accused quite unfairly, but I had made her happy. Could I help it if people were careless, drunk, or stupid?"
"How did you get away with it? she demanded. "How are you getting away with it now? I know you're an. . . what you are, and I still can't see it. Why?"
She had been looking at me quite closely for some time, and I could tell what she needed.
"I will not be offended if you touch me," I told her gently. "On the contrary, I have been trying to get you to touch me for years."
Marian got out of her chair and I rose to meet her, removing the band that held back my hair. Slowly and with a trembling had, her eyes never leaving my face, she slid her fingers along my temple and lifted the hair up and over my left ear. Her face clouded with a look of utter confusion. Then she raised her other hand and lifted my hair up over my right ear. She frowned and looked closer. I tilted my head down toward hers, and let her. Then she looked in my eyes again, a look I will never forget, and held my face with the tenderest of touches.
"Oh Jason, NO!" she cried, and the tears began to fall. We held each other, while she wept.
I had not anticipated that Marian would react so emotionally to my appearance. It was clear that she didn't understand what she was seeing, and I had made a very bad mistake.
I hugged her and tried to get her to listen to me.
"Marian, don't cry, please," I begged her. "It's not what you think - it's just prosthetics. Look at me, please. It's all right. Look at me," I repeated, and pried her off of my chest.
"I haven't cut them off, they're just pinned back, with fake earlobes on top. Sweetheart, look," I said, and pulled at the glue that was holding the rounded upper lobes onto my own ears.
"Oh," she said with a gasp, sniffing and smiling at me sheepishly while she wiped her eyes. "Oh thank goodness you haven't done anything horrible to yourself, just over me."
"Marian," I said reasonably. "Do you think that my ears are the only thing that makes me. . . what I am? If you lost part of your ear, would it make you any less a woman? It is the fea - the spirit - that is important, not the body only. I could never be anything but what I am, no matter what happened."
"Well," she said uncomfortably, "it seems to me from having twisting Lindir's that they are a little more sensitive to you than they are to me. I wouldn't want you to lose anything. . . uh. . . pleasurable, or am I guessing wrongly?"
"You twisted Lindir's ears - and lived? Whatever for? I wish I had been there to see it!" I couldn't help but burst into laughter.
"I did it because I didn't believe him. It appeared to be extremely painful," she commented guiltily.
"Indeed, I am sure it was pure agony, as you have guessed quite correctly."
"Jason, I can't see your, uh, aura, your "fea," like Haldir and the others. I don't understand. It's almost like Callo, when he started to fade. Is there something wrong?"
"No, nothing is amiss. It can be made less noticeable in need," I told her. "It just takes practice. Haldir has, and will, do the same while he is among Men."
An uncomfortable silence followed. This was the moment I had dreaded most.
"Marian," I began and took her hands in mine. "I know that I have deeply hurt you because I didn't tell you about myself," I felt quite awkward. This hurt my pride greatly, as I have not been awkward since I was an elfling, and that was a very, very long time ago.
"It's alright, Jason. I understand. At first I was too hurt and angry to want to understand, but I do now. Really. We're ok."
"You mean the world to me, Marian," I said with great relief. "I would miss fighting and arguing with you so much I would surely die if you rejected me, but I'll understand if you do. I really am your friend, dearest. I always will be."
"I know, Jason. I'm sorry for thinking anything else. I'm sorry I've been such a jerk," she said, and hugged me tightly again, almost desperately. This repaired my pride quite nicely. "I've missed you so much!"
"I've missed you, too, more than you know. Mmmm. You know, I could get used to this. Just move your hand a little bit further this way. . . "
"Jason!"
From "I Am Not Yours," a poem by Sara Teasdale. "The Cheeseburger Song", from the CD "Silly Songs with Larry," VegeTales. Olvar: Things that grow in one place - plants, trees. Kelvar: Things that walk the earth - animals, people.
Pen-muin: Dear one.