To: Tathiela, Kwannom, Telboriel, Shan, Rennjenn, and Ertia: Thank you so much for reviewing Chapter 33 and for being so kind! - I'm sorry I haven't been able to get back to you individually.
Also, just a note that I need to take a short break for some Real Life events - I'll probably be updating at the end of next month. Please don't give up on me.
Title: The Tale of Marian
Chapter: 34?
Rating: PG13 this chapter.
Pairing: OFC/Haldir
Genre: Adventure/Romance/perhaps a little Angst
Timeline: AU, modern times.
Beta: None this chapter.
Feedback: Welcomed, appreciated. Constructive criticism always appreciated.
Warnings: Hints of the supernatural.
Author's Notes: This is a work in progress. Still.
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1 for disclaimer.
THE TALE OF MARIAN
Chapter 34 – A Luminous Choice
i
I don't know how I could have fallen asleep at Haldir's bedside - in Haldir's sickbed, actually. I don't remember how I got there. He just looked so gray, so cold and still, that I had to touch him to know that he was still alive, somewhere inside. I had to make him warm. I vowed to stay awake until he woke up no matter how long it took, terrified to look away from him for an instant in case he got worse. I suppose I was emotionally exhausted. At least I made sure to change out of the slip of his mother's dress off before I sat down to wait, and take the elvish-styled braids out of my hair. I couldn't have borne it if he had woken up and relived the pain that he clearly felt to have seen me in it. I don't think I'll even wear the two gowns that Vanimë gave me again - much safer to stick to my old jeans and tennis shoes. I feel so guilty for having wanted to look appealing to him. I'm weaker than even Haldir knows. He was right when he yelled at me, asking what I was trying to do to him. It had to be the final element, that last bit of something that made everything too much for him, that sent him over some unseen precipice; all my fault. How COULD I have fallen asleep?
"Haldir!" – no answer. Blackness all around. Impenetrable, cold darkness. Dark that is full of still darker thoughts. . . things, hidden in the darker shadows of the deep inky blackness.
"Haldir! I know you are here. Where are you?"
"Heeeeerrrrre……." Whisper of cold air behind my right ear.
I shiver, and look back. Behind me up the tunnel is light, and safety. I turn back to face the dark.
"I know that isn't you, Haldir. I will keep searching until I find you. You know this."
Silence. Time. Echoes in the dark.
Dull glow slowly appears to my left. Faint shimmer. Too faint.
"I am here."
"What is this place?"
"Darkness. Not night as it was in the beginning, when the First Born awoke in Arda, in Cuiviénen. No, an altogether different sort of darkness. Ever hungry; swallowing stars. Devouring everything. . . good. You must go back." Bitter words. Voice without hope.
"Not without you." Stepping forward toward the glow, cold darkness closes in, filling the void behind me.
Dull glow flares briefly. "You must come no further."
Laughter. Faint, chill laughter in the dark. I shudder despite my resolve. I swallow.
"Haldir, we need you. Why do you linger here? Come back to us." I reach forward, toward the faint glow.
"Not. . . . . . . worthy. . . " The glow lessens, backs away.
I move forward.
"Do not follow me!"
I look back. The round disk of light is smaller.
I move forward again, breathing hard. Growing fear. "I won't give up on you. I won't go back without you."
"No. . . you. . . mortal. . . cannot withstand what waits in the darkness." Faint echoes of metal on metal in the void. Whispers, near my ear. Raw. Cold. Low. Words I can't understand. Not elvish. Sharp intake of breath from the nearby glow that is Haldir.
"It will not wait for long."
"What does it say to you? I can't understand."
"Harken not to the Houseless. Go back now, while you can."
"Haldir, you are the only one who can lead your people. Will you forsake your vow, and them? Will you forsake me?"
"Tainted. . . Failed. . . Not fit to lead."
"What are you talking about? No one expects you to be perfect. No one blames you for what happened."
"What of your vow to me?" Haldir reminds me. "You made a promise to me also, did you not? I think you must have."
"I don't care. Mortals don't have the same moral fiber as elves, remember?"
"I have oft read the thoughts behind your words. Strangely, I cannot do so now." He pauses, a decision to be made. "You are bluffing."
"I don't bluff, Haldir, I'm not good enough at it. You know this."
"Do I? I cannot seem to remember. Marian, do not do this. I am lost, but you need not be. Go home."
"You aren't lost, unless you choose to be! YOU are my home, Haldir. Wherever you are, you always will be. I would really prefer that it not be here."
Silence. Glow recedes.
"No, wait!"
My mind reaches out, following the now wavering glow deeper into the darkness. My soul quivers.
Slight rustle of air like leaves in the wind. A brief glimpse of red. A cloak? "Return to the light. Soon I will not be able to protect you."
"You're getting weaker, I can see it. You have to come with me, now."
"Yes. Weak. . . the palantir. . . what I did to you! Never in all the ages has an elf ever . . . . I will not ask for passage to the West now. Go. Quickly. Trust me no longer."
"Ask for passage? You have SWORN to passage. And you did not hurt me - you were strong, you stopped me from being hurt. Don't you remember?
Do you think this is what the Valar want for you? What your brothers want for you? To fade, here in this – place? To not even try? "
Silence from Haldir. Black whispers in the dark, making my own hope dampen.
"Don't YOU listen to the Houseless! Don't you hide here in shame. You had no choice but to consult the palantir – I understand. I forgive you. I trust you. I will stay here with you until you decide to come back with me. You know I mean it."
"Stubborn, foolish woman. . . "
The faint glow lunges forward. I am pushed toward the tiny disk of light. Air rushes by. I am spinning away, out of control.
"Echuivo!"
"No!" I shouted as I bolted upright in the bed, blinking and gathering my bearings. I turned and shook Haldir, still cold and gray on the bed: Cold and unmoving, eyes open and unblinking.
"What happened?" Rumil asked me, his face ashen with the strain of waiting.
"He won't come back. The Houseless – they're all around him, taking his hope away; making him feel he's worthless; making him forget everything good. Please, I have to go back for him but I can't, I'm too upset to fall asleep. Please, do that thing to me that you did to the sentinels. I have to convince him. Such a horrible place."
I was babbling; begging. At the same time I was terrified to leave the safety of the warm, candlelit talan again. Lomion leaned over and brushed a hand over my forehead, looking deep into my panicked eyes, wasting precious, precious time.
"Do as she wishes," he told Rumil gravely.
"Rumil," I said, "You've never done this to me before, right?"
Rumil's worried face bent toward me. Then I felt his hand on my forehead, and I heard him as if from a great distance: "Oloro," and - nothing.
Nothing. No darkness. No light. Only gray nothingness, silent but for the sound of wind, and rushing water. Wait. Something is there: blue eyes in the blowing fog; twinkling, wise blue eyes float faintly in the gray infinity, then only grayness once more. I blink, straining to see against the wind, my eyes watering. They are gone. Were they ever there?
Fog turns to wisps; parts before me. Haldir stands statue-like across a deep flowing gray river with his back to me. Silver-blond hair tangles, red cloak whips in the wind. Gray dimming to blackness beyond. It is so far to the other side.
"Haldir," I venture. My voice floats like dandelions across the river, swirling and breaking apart, tossed by the wind until it is nothing. He doesn't answer. Still, by the slightest stiffening of his shoulders, I know that he has heard me.
"Haldir, you are a wise and rightfully proud Elf," I struggle to remind him over the wind, pushing the words out into the air, "a loyal and strong leader. You must remember how deeply you care for your people, how bravely and willingly you carry your responsibility for them.
You believe that if you lead your people to the sea and the ships do not come, that it will have been your fault; that you will have exposed and endangered them for nothing" I tell him. "For the first time in your long life, perhaps, you doubt your own decisions: You have stayed too long; the Palantir reveals nothing; you fear you have personally failed the Valar and they will not come for you."
Still, Haldir stands on the opposite bank with his back to me, silent, the fog swirling about him, his cloak whipping in the turbulent air. Dark tendrils of the blackness beyond reach toward him in slow motion, teasing the air, tentacles undulating in the wild currents of wind. I am fascinated by them even as I am horrified.
I take a deep breath of the thick fog, all of my frustrations and fears for him finally, irrevocably pouring out. "How truly arrogant then have you become!" I cry out, stepping forward until I teeter on the edge of the bank. I sense rather than see emptiness before me. Now the water is far below, a rushing, churning snake in the deep; the bank the edge of a chasm obscured by the fog. The fog reaches up from the abyss; a gust of wind slams me forward. I lose balance; wave my arms to steady myself. Haldir doesn't see me falter.
"You are an Elf, yes, Haldir, but you are not a god! You take the whole weight of the world on your shoulders. Do you think that you alone can prevent Iluvatar from fulfilling his promise to lead all Elves to the Undying Lands, by what you have done?"
Haldir turns, finally, and looks at me across the chasm. His hair lashs in the wind; his eyes flash dangerously, but he waits for me to continue.
"And what HAVE you done, for your people to be punished for your actions?" I rush on, afraid to stop. "You have revered and cared for Arda, you have protected and loved your people, you have left a legacy for Men and taught us everything you know, you have followed the Light selflessly through everything you have endured. Don't give up now! Don't become one of them! Remember who you are, Lord Haldir, and what you still must do!"
Long silence stretches into my dream. I hear only the sound of churning water far below, and the insistent, ever-engulfing wind.
"Have you finished at last?" he demands. He crosses his arms defiantly in front of him - his movements like those of another. His face holds an unreadable, imposing look that is different than all of his other imposing looks that I have learned to recognize, and an eyebrow raises in - well, I don't know in what, but I know it isn't a pleasant sign. I only know that in trying to help him I have now accused and insulted him beyond any hope of forgiveness.
"No. I haven't finished," I say, though I am exhausted in body and in heart. "I know you don't trust me still, that you'll probably never believe I'm worthy of the task before me, but I don't care. None of it means anything without you; without knowing that somewhere you're alive and well. Please don't do this to me – to all of us. I can't go on without you."
"You went on without one love; you can go on without another," his voice, full of strange inflections, carries cruelly across the chasm between us.
I crumple in upon myself then, almost giving up – Haldir could have said nothing that would have hurt me as much as this.
"Do not let him dissuade you; it is not he who speaks," a voice floats on the wind; a female voice, wise and clear and crisp as falling autumn leaves. "Our march warden dwells brightly in your heart. . . you know what you must do. . . "
"What? What must I do?" I ask, twirling around to see who has spoken, searching the fog; finding nothing. Whatever – or whoever- has spoken, is gone. But the pain in my own heart is gone as well; my mind clears. A trick! Haldir, or whatever has a hold on him, is trying to trick me into giving up on him.
"You must go home, Marian," Haldir says tiredly, beginning to turn slowly away into the fog; black tendrils now touch him, coaxing him forward. My mind knows that if he steps into the blackness, I won't be able to reach him any more.
"Remember the ring. . . the rain. . . the shores of the sea. . ." the female voice whispers, and is gone. I think back, grasping at memories: memories that threaten to whip away from me on the wind. Rumil, giving me his ring at the motel. So long ago. Rumil and Bruno on the beach, in the rain. And I know what to do.
"I'm going to jump!" I threaten, stepping back from the edge of the chasm. "I'm going to jump to reach you, and if I don't make it. . . I would rather end it here than go back alone."
"Do not toy with me," he threatens, but he stops turning away, and I hear worry in his voice.
I turn away and pace off the distance I need, shoving my legs through the fog. No distance will be enough. But this is a dream, I tell myself. Surely I won't really die. I trust the voice in the wind; not the dark voice from before, but this new voice that speaks Elvish or English, I can't quite remember. I trust this voice like I trust Haldir.
"Do you know what I believe, Haldir?" I ask him, turning and facing him once more.
"Tell me what you believe." His voice curious in spite of himself, a little more worried, perhaps, that I am planting my feet in the ground like a sprinter ready to explode from the blocks – for that is what I intend to do.
"I believe that you are a spoiled elf. You know intimately that the Valar exist, without having to decide whether or not you believe they do. We mortals, we have to first believe in order to know. That's why you can't see the way to go home."
"You make no sense," Haldir complains wearily. The blackness creeps around his feet, plays with the edges of his cloak, tugs.
"I believe that you can't see the way home, Haldir, because the Valar want you to have to believe it is there, like I have to, weak inferior mortal that I am."
I close my eyes briefly, praying that I'm not making a horrible mistake. I need more time; I have no more time. "I believe they are testing you." I looked him straight in those stormy, deep blue eyes across the chasm, now cold and dull; around him the faintest of faded auras, dissipating even as the blackness spirals up and around his calves, his knees. I know that this is his, and my, only chance. "Remember who you are, Lord Haldir. Just like me, just like the lowly mortals that you so despise, you must make a leap of faith." I run, jumping into the cold, swirling void above the abyss.
Not floating; falling! Cold air below, rushing. Stomach in my throat. Plunging, sounds of water crashing on hidden rocks below. Falling! I can't see him!
The rush of a malevolent shadow across the chasm. A chilling wail. A brilliant explosion of white light above and around me, and voices.
I started awake - that horrible, body-jolting start that one shakes the bed with when one wakes from a dream of falling, just before one hits the bottom. I tried to sit up, shielding my eyes from the intense light around me, but I couldn't rise for the rock-hard arms and legs that were clenched tightly around me, making it hard to breathe.
The brightness was Haldir, I saw with squinted eyes. His aura flamed around him, as bright, almost, as that jewel that I have hidden in my wardrobe. Well, in Rumil's wardrobe, actually. As I grasped his face and looked for movement – any movement – the brightness softened to a white glow and his eyes became clear and blue and so very much more like his own than in my dream. Clear and blue, and, focusing on my face only inches away from his own, very, very angry. I grinned back at him, waves of relief and love washing over me so intensely that I laughed out loud in wonderment that he really was awake, and safe. As I laughed, his anger faded into what I hoped was closer to mere irritation.
"So," Haldir said, a curious, ominous quirk forming on one side of his beautiful mouth. "A woman - a mortal woman - believes she needs to remind an Elf about faith. Who is the teacher now, and who the student?" he said in a bemused voice that caught me off guard. Then he pulled my head down and kissed me on the lips quite thoroughly. I was speechless.
"Ahem. If you two want to be alone, just say so," Rumil said from a chair near the bed, in a typical suffering tone that was completely ruined by the wide grins that he and Lomion both wore from ear to pointed ear.
Haldir unwrapped himself from around me and moved to get up. He was weak and shaky. Rumil helped him rise and took him into an enthusiastic, brotherly embrace.
"Forgive me," Haldir took Rumil's shoulders in hand as much in affection as in support to help himself stand. "I was wrong to lose hope."
"There is no need for apologies, muindor," Rumil protested. "Your intentions were honorable, if not advisable."
Haldir smiled at the pointed reference to Rumil's role as his counselor. "Point taken," he said. "I will embark on no more ill-advised quests without first telling you of my intentions."
"Notice," Rumil said to us dryly, "that my fine brother did not say that he would forego such a pursuit if I advised against it."
"I noticed," I replied. "Would you expect anything less of him?" I rose from the bed with difficulty and sat in the chair. I found I was extremely weak, but decided it would be best not to be found by others in such a suggestive location. Lucky decision, for as soon as I moved, Lindir, Allinde, and Vanimé pushed past a protesting Lomion and greeted Haldir warmly. Even Joel came behind and stood inside the room, a look of clear disapproval on his face. My cheeks became a little warm at seeing him - I would have to ask Lomion if he had come into the room while Haldir and I were sleeping. Surely he wouldn't have been pleased to see me in the same bed as Haldir. Not, I reminded myself, that I should care.
"You are yourself once more. I can see it in your eyes, my Lord," Lindir rejoiced.
"And in his attitude," Rumil added.
"How did it happen? We felt a dark presence depart from your chamber, and then a white light - my Lord, you shone as brightly as Glorfindel or any of the Eldar in all their glory. You must tell us the tale," Allinde insisted, looking from Haldir to me with a mischievous twinkle in her eye.
"There will be a time for tales," Lomion ordered. "Now food and rest for both woman and ellon - this is a house of healing, not the Great Hall."
"Yes, leave them to their rest," Vanimé repeated while Rumil helped Haldir to lie back on the bed. "I will return this evening with whatever tidings are of value," she assured Haldir. "For now, news of your recovery will be most welcome to all outside these rooms."
"Later," I mouthed to Allinde, and she grinned as Vanimé and Lomion shooed everyone out and closed the curtain in the entry.
Haldir and I were left alone. I wondered if I was the only one who felt awkward. Apparently not, for as soon as Haldir's eyes fell on the pink slip hanging in the corner, his features stiffened and a look of deep regret clouded his tired face. I reached for his hand and squeezed it, tears threatening to form in my eyes to see him still tortured by the events of the day before.
"I wish you to have our mother's dress, if it does not pain you to gaze upon it," he said with difficulty.
"I would be honored," I replied. "I knew you wouldn't let me fall," I added groggily and raised his hand to my lips. I was so tired that I could barely raise my arm.
"You are to never again put yourself in such grave peril," Haldir said quite insistently, though his eyelids were beginning to close.
"Yes, my Lord," I replied, and he forced his eyes open long enough to shoot me a commanding and somewhat distrustful look.
Then I found myself being pulled onto the bed and held once more against Haldir's side. I didn't protest.
"Dream with me once more," he murmured as he fell asleep.
/i
From the poem "The Green Afternoon," by Henry Rago
Echuivo awaken
Muindor brother