He left Lily's side the moment she started to stir and went downstairs to pretend to sleep on the sofa. When she found him there she smiled slightly before making tea to sooth her aching head. The next day he hardly spoke to her and she was glad for his avoidance because she felt ashamed of her drinking. She felt ashamed of her lack of perfection. It's hard, to know that she once fascinated him, once intrigued him and realize now that who she is no longer the stunning girl she used to be. So the avoidance, although slightly lonelier than usual, was welcome. Finally on Monday they were back in their old groove of ignoring each other when possible and polite conversation when necessary. But they both felt it, felt that something changed last weekend. Each felt that they can no longer live this lie each has delved into.
They hardly spoke at breakfast that morning and he couldn't breathe easy until he put on his cloak and walked out the door. It was just the sight of her that made his mind swarm with questions. All weekend he tried sorting through his feelings, tried to finally realize if the love he once lived by is truly dead. But all he has, after two straight days of reflection, are those questions he's becoming tired of thinking. All he has is a remembrance of an old love that continues to torture him has he thinks of ways to revive it.
When he was a child he lived in this assumption that everything in life always works out for the best. Tragedies happen only to bring forth some desired outcome that would make everything better than before. No matter how horrible of a predicament a person gets thrown into the outcome will be worth the pain that temporarily takes you over. He was an optimist when he lived at Hogwarts. James's glass was always half full.
Being cynical just seems to fit him perfectly. He seems made for that brooding atmosphere that makes his eyes appear philosophically sad. He seems made for his supreme melancholy, seems to walk through life with a smooth assurance as a smirk darkens his handsome face. Gabriella's death changed him more so than anything else. He couldn't see what good could come with it. He couldn't find a reason that she should be taken from him because what, what could be so wonderful as to allow death to steal away the life of a child? What could be worth the killing of two happy souls?
Work felt tedious for him today. He kept on seeing her in his mind. He kept on seeing her smiling face. He kept on feeling the ghost of her skin in the palm of his hand. He hasn't looked at her in the eye for days. He hasn't allowed his eyes to wander to her own because he's afraid of what he might find there. He's afraid to realize that their love truly is dead. Afraid to realize that she is just bidding her time until she can be free. All he wondered throughout the morning was, Will today be the day? Am I going to come home to an empty house never to see her again?
In the morning there was a staff meeting that seemed to drone on for eternity. It was the same as last week. You-Know-Who is still at large. Death Eaters made another attack the ministry wishes to keep quiet. The training of the new Aurors is going well but there aren't enough dormitories to fit them all. James, in a week or so we're going to ask you to risk your life on a top secret mission of the utmost importance. Frank, we need you to get your spies in order to infiltrate… blah blah blah blah. Of course, sir, he remembers thinking. Of course I'll go on a mission to try and assassinate the Dark Lord because, sir, I have nothing left to live for.
He fell asleep once or twice during the meeting, dreamt of red hair, dreamt of green eyes and a smile of an angel. He woke up to Frank Longbottom shaking his body fast, woke up to his boss, Sir Head Auror Moody Sir he thinks mockingly, scowling at him saying how back when he was first an auror they knew about respect, about responsibility. Back when he was first an auror they were more than mindless hooligans. Yes, sir, he had said, back when you were an auror you were respectful. You were obedient. Yes, sir, we are all a bunch of hapless children. Yes sir…he says always saying the right thing to charm his boss, to mock him in a way only his partners would know about. It's an art, he sometimes thinks. To bring someone down without there knowledge is an art.
After the meeting he sat at his desk staring at a stack of papers he had yet to start filling out. It was the standard procedure before any mission and he hated this paperwork he had to do before any mission. This paperwork that only serves the purpose of telling him that the Ministry cannot be held responsible if anything goes wrong on the mission. It's rather a tedious task to read papers saying how it is not the ministry's fault if you lose your legs, arms, or, god forbid, your life. The ministry is not liable for any mishaps along the way. The ministry will compensate your families in case of an unexpected death. There were legal aspects like that which went on and on. Little things like that which made his mind wander, wander to a girl with strawberry blond hair. Wander to a girl six years his junior.
He wrote her a note that morning telling her that he was going to leave work right after lunch and to meet him at the hotel room. He planned this all with haste and was restless for work to finish because he had a stressful weekend, looking at an even more stressful week, and the only way he could blow off some steam, the only way he could relax was to see Melissa.
It's ironic. Every second of the past three days he thought endlessly about his wife. Every second he was trying to revive a love he assumes to be dead. And at the peak of his thoughts, the climax, he writes a note to his mistress enlisting her services for the day. Oh, the irony of his life.
He ate lunch with Frank. Sirius was busy with something or the other. He didn't ask, didn't really care what kept his friend away because Sirius was bound to ask questions about him and Lily that he would rather not answer. He ate a bland lunch of lemon flavored chicken left over from last night's dinner and chips. He and Frank are always professional together while in the office. They spoke strategy for James's mission and laughed about their silly colleagues. Frank never once mentioned Lily and James stayed away from the topic of Alice. Especially because he hears they're getting along famously. It never pleases him to listen to other couples' successes when his relationship is failing miserably and only getting worse. Other people's happiness makes him more bitter than any other thing could.
He felt apprehensive about seeing Melissa. He tried to picture her in his head, tried to calm his nerves by thinking about her innocence. But for the first time in a long while he felt guilty about his affair. It was a feeling he couldn't brush off for all of lunch, which is why he made it drag on and on until Frank insisted he get back to work. He tried to do something anything to make Frank stay in the break room with him, but Frank simply could not wait to leave since he has a beautiful woman waiting for him at home. That comment was enough for James to allow Frank to leave because he could no longer look at him in the eye. He no longer wished for his company because Frank's marriage was just too... pituresque. So, because there was nothing left for him to do, he slowly walked to the hotel were a beautiful child was waiting for him. He arrives thirty minutes late.
It is four in the afternoon by the time he reaches the hotel so anxious he is about being there. He doesn't understand his fear about being with her. He has been before, been with her many times over the last six months. So what is it exactly? Why did he wish to be any where else? Why did he wish to be home?
She is waiting for him in front of the room when he arrives looking exquisite as always. He kisses her lightly on the mouth and smiles as she says hello. She then puts the key into the door and opens the hotel room door. He starts kissing her then, leading her to the bed just after the door closes behind him. Pushes her on the bed so that he's lying on top of her. She starts to unbutton his shirt, slowly with the hope of keeping him there for hours. But, as he kisses her he feels other lips on his own. He feels other hands pulling at his shirt and rubbing fingers lightly on his back. As he kisses her she moans his name into his mouth and he almost, almost says Lily into her lips. He pulls his lips from hers after his near slip and stares into her eyes. He looks at her, seeing for the first time only a naïve child, a reflection of the woman waiting for him at home. Suddenly he can't do it, can't be with her because, because he… loves Lily. He feels it now. He feels all the old feelings coming back at him, exploding inside his body so quickly it was as if he knew, knew that he loved her all along. As if he never forgot what she was to him. He jumps off the bed and backs away as if Melissa had stung him.
"I'm sorry." He says quickly as he buttons his shirt.
"James, what are you…?"
"I can't do this Mel. I can't be in this relationship with you anymore."
"James…"
"I have to go."
He runs out of the hotel room ignoring her desperate calls for him to come back. Runs at lighting speed through the London streets until he reaches his house. Panting he opens the door to his house, his home, which seems so bright to him, so full of light. He smiles entering the door, smiles because he knows everything will turn out okay. Smiles because he knows that now, now he has something to fight for.
Up the stairs he climbs because he needs a glimpse of her, of his beloved, because he's been blind for too long. He needs to see her, look into her emerald eyes and show her, through his own eyes, that the love once thought lost has returned. He turns the knob of their door and enters the bedroom. He needs her to know that they no longer have to live in the depression each has gotten so used to.
She's sitting on the bed half covered in shadows when he walks in. At first he doesn't notice her crestfallen face or the dried tears staining her cheeks, but then as he gets ready to speak a suitcase by the bed catches his eye.
"Lily?" He questions. She looks up at him, same dull eyes, same pale face and yet she seems rejuvenated in his eyes. She seems more beautiful than ever before.
"Lily I want to…" She cuts him off before he can continue.
"I'm leaving James. I'm going home." She says quickly without a single quiver in her voice. She remains strong and regal, a trait he always adored in her.
"No!" He says. "No, you can't go." His heart starts pounding as he watches her stand up and grab her suitcase. "You can't leave me, Lily!" He demands desperately.
"There's nothing to stay here for." She says. "Let me pass." She says as he blocks her way.
"No. I need you here. I need you." He replies helplessly trying to make her stay.
She pushes her way past him and starts walking down the stairs.
"Lily, please, please don't go. I know these past years have been torture. I know you're miserable. But it can change. It will change."
"Stop promising things you have no control over." She spits at him when she reaches the door looking at him with fire in her eyes. "Just stop, James, stop fighting for a life that no longer exists."
"It can still exist, Lily. But, you have to let it."
"No," she says in her usual defeated manner and her voice begins to crack, "no more." And she opens the door and walks out.
"Lily!" he yells running after her as she hails a taxi.
"Go back inside James." She says harshly. "Let me be."
"No!" he says as she opens the cab door. "No, please don't do this." He begs desperately. "Don't leave me, please." Tears are coming to his eyes but all she does is shake her head.
"Goodbye James." She says as she shuts the taxi door and rides out of his life.
"No," he says to her retreating car. "No come back." He screams fully knowing his words are futile. He waits outside as the cab slowly disappears into the horizon. He waits until the setting sun begins to glare angrily in his eyes. Waits until nightfall hoping that she would change her mind and come back to him, and come home. Then, after hours of waiting on the doorstep, he walks inside their house, dark shadows filling up the room that was bright just hours before, and goes to his bedroom where he infiltrates her stash of scotch.
No, he says in his mind all night as he drinks. No you can't leave me because I love you. I love you, Lily. He drinks more and more alcohol as he thinks the very words she'll never hear, the very words that may have made her stay. The words that, as he looked into her dead eyes, he was afraid to speak.
A/N: The next chapter is going to be brand new as chapter five was. It's going to be these events from Lily's point of view so for those of you who think this was a bit hasty and out of the ordinary it will be the explanation the original version did not have. I hope to tweak the last chapters up a bit as well. Please review!