"Oh honestly Ron! Stop moving." Hermione snarled.
"Don't come near me with that! Are you trying to cut my head off?" Ron shrieked, struggling to get away from Hermione.
"It's not my fault magic isn't working here, but face it, you're going to have to do something with that facial hair. If you'd have taken muggle studies you'd know this is razor is safe, my father uses one all the time" Hermione exhaled, advancing on Ron with the weapon.
"I do not have a death wish. Muggles must be insane! That blade isn't safe" Ron whined.
"Harry" Hermione pleaded "Can I shave you first so Ron will stop being such a prat?"
Harry, who was in mid-sentence with Dumbledore nodded and held up his hand telling her he would be there momentarily.
"Sir" Harry questioned "if headquarters is the only place magic cannot be performed, what if there is a death eater attack?"
"I am certain that they too would be unable to perform magic, and therefore you need not worry" Dumbledore answered reassuringly, offering Harry an orange drop, his new favorite candy.
"If that's the case" reasoned Harry "then would it not be in our best interest to initiate an attack? If Voldemort would be unable to use his wand, couldn't we just hit him over the head with an umbrella or something?"
"I'm afraid there's a bit more to it than that, but for the time being, relax and enjoy yourself. I believe Miss Granger is in need of some assistance." Dumbledore added, nodding towards Hermione who was trying to pin Ron down.
So far there was shaving cream everywhere, and Ron's beard was putting up a courageous fight. Harry also had quite the extravagant beard, but Ron, wearing his handed down robes had the misfortune of his beard getting stuck in the zipper, the outcome being very unpleasant. Harry headed over trying not to slip in the cream that was slowly engulfing the house.
'If only Mrs. Black's portrait could see this now'
Tonks squinted, opening her left eye. The room was still pitch black, even though she knew it must be morning. Clearly Snape did not enjoy waking up to anything bright. Snape. Oh God. Tonks squinted over to the lump that was lying beside her. Tonks suppressed a shudder. Last night was awful. It had to have been her worst experience with a man. Well except for that time…or maybe when… no, this was definitely the worst.
You know that after-taste you get when you eat something gross? And then you have to eat a whole bunch of other good tasting food to wash it away? This was one of those times. Tonks wondered if she could go and jump Shackles if she turned herself into a blonde. She'd probably have to sleep with ten men to make up for last nights fiasco. Snape was eager, and seemed to be enjoying himself, but Tonks could not believe he was so untalented. Or useless. Or oh never mind. Tonks wondered if she could just run out of the room and forget this entire incident. Or maybe she could get Mr. Weasley to obliviate them both. He never asked many questions, all she would have to do was offer him some useless muggle object and he'd probably even sell his wife. Well Tonks could see why there...
Coming to the conclusion to run out of the room and decide what to do when she got there, Tonks made to move when she realized Snape was lying on her arm and she didn't know where her wand was. Moving it slightly Tonks froze. Her hand had brushed Snapes head. And his hair was short. Unlike last night, leaving two options. Either she pulled his hair out while snogging him, which was a definite no, or this wasn't Snape. If this wasn't Snape, this meant that it wasn't Snape last night which meant. Oh God. It must be a death eater. Who else would pretend to be Snape?
Tonks propelled herself off the bed, sending 'Snape' flying and sprinted out of the room and down the corridor.
"DEATH EATERS RUN!" Tonks yelled as she jumped down over the stairs completely. Tonks could hear profanities from the room she had come out of.
Everyone in the room froze for a minute then ran in every direction, some hopping into the floo, while others dove out the window. Tonks heard stumbling behind her and spun around Snape leaped down the stairs, panting, and his robes in a tangled mess. Harry ran out the front door after Ron and Hermione, covered in shaving cream. Dumbledore Shackles and McGonagall appeared from another room, wands at the ready as Tonks was about to run out the front door. Dumbledore lowered his wand sighing.
"Its only-" Dumbledore began but Tonks cut him off.
"Polyjuice!" Tonks hollered as she dove behind a table as hexes started flying. Shackles threw her wand in her direction. McGonagall always enjoyed hexing first and asking questions later.
"No, wait it's me – "Snape tried, taking cover.
"Nice try" Tonks snorted trying to get a good clear shot at him.
In about three seconds Dumbledore had McGonagall's wand and had stepped between Snape and the others.
"-Remus" finished Dumbledore.
"WHAT" snapped Tonks and McGonagall.
"Curse him Kinglsey!" McGonagall hollered "Albus has lost his mind!"
"I had Severus look into Order business and did not want Harry to worry, and as a result had Remus fill in. Alas, it seems this has not worked as I had planned."
Tonks looked from 'Snape' to Dumbledore mouth gaping, then sped off at a record speed into the nearest lavatory.
'EEEW I slept with Remus. In Snapes body. I need a pensieve. And then I am going to murder them both. What the fuck was he thinking?' And Tonks emptied the last seven days of food from her stomach.
Tonks warded the door just in time as the three attempted to come after her.
"Now really Tonks" Dumbledore tried.
"You. Just. Wait. Until. I get you" hissed Tonks, eyes closed, trying not to get sick again. "You felt it was unimportant to let the rest of the order members know?"
"Had you known it was Remus you may have acted differently, and aroused Harry's suspicions. I didn't want to take that risk" Dumbledore explained, oblivious to Tonks previous incident with Lupin.
"I am going to murder you. No wait. I am going to torture you until you wish I will murder you" spat Tonks as she became sick again.
Tonks remained where she was even after Dumbledore's futile attempts to break the wards. It seemed Kreacher added some of his own magic, after Tonks mentioned she was going to strangle Dumbledore by his beard and found it rater amusing.
"POTTER" Snape snarled. "What are you doing! You've gotten shaving cream all over my death eater robes, and I just had them cleaned"
After sprinting from the front door, Harry had dived over the hedge and had instead tackled Snape in a move that even the world's top Rugby players would have difficulty with, in the process smearing the shaving cream that was previously on his face all over his professor.
"But you were just- how did you get here so fast?" Harry muttered. "You ARE a bat! I knew it!"
"POTTER" hissed Snape, dragging him back towards the house. "What if a death eater sees you – what were you thinking? Oh I forgot – the famous Potter doesn't think. And for that colorful comment I am going to make your life miserable for all of eternity"
"Try something you haven't done before" muttered Harry under his breath, still being dragged by Snape.
"But sir" Hermione tried, appearing at Harry's side. "the death eaters are already here – they're at headquarters. You were just there sir, surely you know that"
Snape stopped abruptly. "I haven't been at headquarters for the last two days…" he trailed off, then let go of Harry's arm as he sprinted over the grass and up the stairs to the house, wand raised.
Harry looked at his two friends, then followed.
"What's going on here?" Snape asked McGonagall, his wand ready.
"Oh Albus had a brilliant plan that went completely wrong, and we can't get Tonks out of the lavatory." McGonagall replied, as if this was a common occurrence. "Perhaps you'd like to give it a try" McGonagall added, pointing to the door.
"Tonks what-" Snape asked confused.
"FUCK OFF LUPIN !" came Tonks voice from inside the room. "I you ever even think of trying that again, I will take a wooden spoon and I am going to.." Tonks continued.
Snape turned slightly more pale after hearing exactly what Tonks was planning on doing with the wooden spoon. "I think I missed something" Snape said, turning back to McGonagall.
"Oh well you see Remus was you after taking some polyjuice potion and -"
Snape didn't bother to hear what else she had to say, instead striding off to look for Lupin.