DAY 28
The music plays low in the master bedroom as he sits at his desk, the curtains down, a candlestick lit for light. There's an expensive crystal glass glittering in the candlelight. Its contents, rum or whiskey whatever the day's preference, shine as if it's the ocean and the sun. He sits there, his eyes cloudy, his heart beating, staring at a piece of blank parchment lying in front of him. He has an eagle quill suspended above the parchment and the blue ink he uses falls in tiny droplets one by one.
His face glows eerily in the candlelight and a grimace is in place of his usual, albeit sad, smile. His eyes are clouded with the musk of despair and around his jaw and mouth hair has grown from days he went without shaving. There's a pile of letter waiting for him downstairs. Three are from Sirius, two from Remus, five from Peter, and another ten from Frank Longbottom, which are more than half work related. He doesn't open them, just glances at the pile each night to see, to see if she finally picked up a pen and decided to give him a word, any word to show him that maybe she does still care.
He looked at the pile each day for the past month and goes to sleep each night with his stomach full of the vilest of disappointments. It means too much to him. He knows her all to well to expect that she would take a pen and write. He knows that at this very moment her mind is lingering on him and on their past because like him he knows she must be hurting from this self-imposed separation. It had to be impossible for him to feel so much pain in his heart for her to feel nothing at all. Deep inside he knows she misses him. He knows she misses him to much to allow her feelings to be hindered by use of a pen, but the need to see her writing has come to mean too much to him.
He puts the quill to the parchment and writes down the date, November 16, 1979. He begins the letter as usual, with Dear Lily. Some days he writes My Darling in his beautiful scripted letters she's been jealous of since they were children. His beautiful script that has stayed constant, stayed the same even as everything around them changed so drastically. Then he begins his letters, each letter bolder than the last, each letter filled with more feeling, more pain and desperation. But each letter completely impersonal, filled with silly words about life that she can never bring herself to care about and without the heartfelt declarations of love he can never bring himself to write.
The letters were his last hope at reaching her and even that, even those carefully constructed letters, are merely an appearance, a display that to any person who hardly knows James could seem completely obligatory. To read the words of a man trying to reach his estranged lover and realize that he is saying nothing of importance would make anyone wonder at the reason he even tries at all. It would make anyone wonder if he does actually care as much as his pained eyes make it seem or is that too, that carelessness of outward appearance and distinct sadness, merely a front his acquaintances would expect him to put on. You'd have to be a close confident to know that the turmoil he feels is completely legitimate. You'd have to be a close confident to know that James Potter could never commit deep feelings on paper.
Sirius has remonstrated with him about the objective tone in his letters. He tells James, with a pathetic glare, that Lily most likely doesn't care that the weather is cold and, quote, quite comfortable. He tells them that although Lily loves Remus to death reading about his struggle in the workforce isn't exactly what she wants. Sirius begs him to write more, to write to her that he loves her because he knows that nothing else will move her enough to make her return, will move her enough to save the self-destructive person James is slowly becoming. But James can't do that. He can't write down those words all are urging him to write.
He doesn't think its right, telling someone by mail that he loves them. Love is such a personal, meaningful emotional and he doesn't, never has, taken it lightly. Telling her without her face in front of his, without her seeing the honesty in his eyes or him seeing the glow within her, demeans the emotions within his very heart. Lily knows that, he thinks everyday, knows that proclamations of love should not be given or taken lightly. She knows his convictions given that feeling and wonders how she could have forgotten. How could she have forgotten his love notes were never deep? That nothing meant more to him than when they were face to face, eye to eye, because he needs to see her unmotivated, true emotions light up before his very eyes?
He finishes the letter with Yours Truly writing again in a calligraphic style many would be jealous of. He whistles calling Nolan, his owl, to his side and ties the letter to the owl's leg. He watches from his window as Nolan flies off. Watches with the bottle of rum by his side and his filled glass in hand. Watches until the sun goes down when he surrenders to the idea that she won't be responding. Then he extinguishes the candle and falls asleep wearing the same clothes he has for the past three days and his breath smelling heavily of alcohol.
DAY 29
Sirius comes around early that day, around the time he's just finished with his daily letter, and cajoles him into going out to brunch, in spending the day out doors. They go to a nice place on the corner of 31st street. It's a quaint place with pink drapes on the windows and old fashioned writing on the walls. They sit at a table with a frilly table cloth and Sirius orders coffee and a breakfast of eggs for them both as James looks around at his surrounding and states to Sirius that Lily always loved the muffins they made here. As James remembers Lily eating here while she was pregnant with Gabriella.
He spent breakfast doing his best to cheer James up and when he paid the bill James could smile without it looking like a grimace, could make a joke when Sirius does something stupid. They decide to spend the day in Diagon Alley and when they get there Remus is sitting in the Leaky Caldron waiting for them. Sirius had called him earlier that morning. The first thing they do when they enter is go to Quality Quidditch Supply and Sirius and Remus are delirious with excitement when they realize that it was James who suggested they go.
They talk about dumb things, pointless things. They talk about Chuddley Cannon's last play, talk about Puddlemore's embarrassing loss, much to James's disappointment. They debate about the best broomsticks: Sirius still loves the cleansweep but Remus always preferred the Shooting Star series. James kept a diplomatic silence during this (sadly) heated argument between the two friends. They check out the new equipment: gloves that don't let your hands get cold, cloaks that won't get wet in rain, goggles with a fogless charm on them. All that stuff which they see it now and wonder if it would have changed their game back in Hogwarts, wonder what it would be like to play with the new technology they had to live without.
They end up in Flortescue's Ice Cream shop at around 3 o'clock in the afternoon. They sit at a table and reminisce about the times they came here at Hogwarts, about the old school years when life seemed wonderful. Sirius and Remus are careful to make no mention of Lily, to replay their Hogwarts years as if she never existed, but as they speak about their old pranks and games, as James laughs about the time Sirius had pink hair for a week, they saw a sadness forming in his eyes as he remembers their relationship when they were sixteen and seventeen. They seem a sadness form in James' eyes when he remembers how happy they all used to be. They end the conversation soon after that.
At around sundown James apologizes to his friends and tells them he has to return home. Remus tries to make him stay, lightly asks him to go to dinner, lightly tries to bribe him into going to a pub. But he looks to the sky, knows that Nolan should be back by now, and politely says he's rather tired and would like to get some sleep. Remus shakes his head in disappointment but he doesn't let James leave without making plans to see him the next night. All James can do is accept.
Back at home he quickly goes to the kitchen and sees his owl perched on the window sill. He walks over to the mail spot, throws a few letters out of his way, and looks for any sign of her dainty writing. When he doesn't see a letter from her he goes up stairs and promptly falls asleep.
DAY 30
He wakes up rather late this morning and has only time to write a meaningless letter to her before Remus comes barging into his bedroom and yells at him to get his arse dressed. He scowls at his friend and puts on some clothes muttering to himself about imbeciles, about the manners that his friend Remus just doesn't have.
They spend the day at Sirius's work (he's a publicist for Quidditch teams) and Sirius gets his bosses to allow James, Remus, and himself to go on the pitch in between Chudley Cannon practices. It was supposed to cheer him up but all it did was make him hear cheers of past games he played in when he was still Gryffindor's golden boy. It was supposed to cheer him up but all it did was make him look towards the stands looking for red hair, listen for her cheering, and realize that she wasn't there and never would be again. It was supposed to cheer him up but all it did was remind him that he was no longer in the prime of his life and he has nothing, no child, no wife, nothing to show for it but new wrinkles on his forehead and a newly acquired drinking problem. Sirius and Remus quickly learned that their hard planned diversion was a complete and utter failure.
That night James and Remus go to a club by James' house. James was waiting for this moment, the moment Remus picks where he leads an unsuspecting James into a corner so that Remus could analyze his head and give him some profound advice he should have thought of a month ago. James has been waiting for the moment when Remus plays the ever wise friend and makes James resent his own stupidity as well as his friend's attention and kindness. Remus stares at him for a while and doesn't begin to speak until James begins his second beer, Remus's first one only half way done.
"So, James," he says, "how've you been?" He looks at Remus as if he's crazy and shakes his head.
"Why don't you get to the point, Moony? Because you know bloody well how I've been."
"Still drinking?"
"Still breathing?"
"Wow, even depressed and your wit doesn't cease." He says trying to make a joke but only furthering James's despair.
"You have to stop this James. You have to stop."
"I can't. I… can't."
"She left you James, left you, and the sooner you deal with it the sooner you can move on. Get on with your life." James slams a fist to the table.
"I don't want to move on, to get on with my life." James says scathingly at even the thought of living without her. "I want her Remus. She's the…the only person who can make me right."
"Have you even tried to get her to come home?"
"You've seen the letters."
"Those are hardly trying. They border on pathetic James." Remus says strongly and James looks down.
"There's nothing else I can do." He says quietly taking another sip of his beer.
"You can write exactly how you feel." Remus says
"You know I can't do that. It's not right." James replies and Remus lets it go knowing of his friend's ingrained beliefs.
"Why don't you go there?"
"To her house?"
"Yes."
"I don't want to die Remus and her mother has always hated me."
"You should go. Your mother-in-law shouldn't be what's in your way."
"She doesn't want to see me."
"How do you know? How do you know if you don't try?"
"If she wanted me, to see me, she would still be here wouldn't she?" He snaps.
Remus shakes his head sadly, "Not if there isn't anything here for her. Not if she thinks everything she was to you is dead." He shakes his head again and throws some money on the table.
"I need to get up early tomorrow and find a job. Think about what I told you." He says taking one last look at James before walking out the door. That night James didn't even check to see if she wrote.
DAY 31
He starts the morning off as usual: pours a glass of rum, turns on his soothing classical music, and sits idly at his desk staring at, at nothing at all. He has thoughts going on in his head today, thoughts about going to Surrey, about not giving up. It isn't surprising to him, that he's going to succumb to Remus's advice and go to her. Remus has that effect. It's why they (Sirius and Peter) sent him to do the dirty work. No one can ignore advice given by Remus. He knows how to get into a person's head and knows how to keep himself there until his advice is acted on, usually with haste. And as if stung by a bee he hops out of his chair and into the shower, making sure to use his good smelling soap and to shave his face clean.
He takes a while getting ready making sure his appearance is impeccable, stopping every few seconds to wipe the nervous sweat from his face. His heart is beating fast and his stomach is in knots. The last time he was this nervous about seeing her he was getting ready for their wedding.
He aparates outside of her house in Surrey and cringes slightly at how it hasn't changed. It seems unreal that something could still be like it used to because everything else around him has been altered once and altered again. This house is like his handwriting, unchanged through turmoil and time and he wonders slightly if her room is still lavender, if it still smells like baby powder and rosemary. He takes a deep breath and walks to the door, thinking about what to say over and over again, remembering that he loves her and that she may love him as well. And then he knocks on the large pink door in front of him.
A small woman with brown eyes and graying red hair in a bun opens the door. He groans inwardly and curses his luck that her mother had to answer the door. He smiles slightly at her accusing stare and musters up what remains of his once charming smile.
"Hello Mrs. Evans." He says quietly.
"James, what are you doing here?"
"Please Mrs. Evans, please can I speak to Lily?" his eyes begging her but her cold stare unrelenting.
"I'm sorry she isn't seeing guests."
"I'm hardly a guest. I'm her husband. Please," he says urgently, "please let me see her. Let me see my wife!" His voice raising as he goes.
"Don't you dare call her that! She's hardly your wife. Go home, James. Turn around and leave. You don't belong here and you," she looks at him with a disapproving stare, "never have." She begins to close the door but he blocks it with his foot and screams.
"Lily!" he screams to the inside past her mother. "Lily, do you hear me?"
"James, you're acting crazy." She says as she tries to close the door despite his body blocking its way. He ignores her.
"Lily, please come down here! Please Lily!" He shouts.
"Lily, I love you! Do you hear me? I love you!" He screams as her mother's persistence finally works and James falls down the steps leading to the house.
"It's over, James. Reconcile to the fact and move on." She says harshly and closes the door in his face. Feeling defeated, feeling as if he has finally lost, he nods his head a few times and stands up. With a loud crack he's gone, watery emerald eyes watching him from a window the whole time.
A/N: I had no idea how to do this chapter but I hope it's good. Sorry for the wait. Almost done. REVIEW!