Title: If Not Now…
Author: Adrienne
Spoilers: Through "All About Christmas Eve" and "If Not Now"
Summary: What happens after Abby tells Luka that she's pregnant.
"I'm pregnant." The words reverberated over and over again in Luka's head. He didn't think he had heard Abby correctly, he couldn't have. She couldn't be pregnant…could she? His mind immediately flashed to the night Danijela told him that she was pregnant with Jasna, and then again with Marko and then to that fateful night that Nicole had told him she was pregnant. He brushed these thoughts aside quickly and continued to stare at Abby, mouth agape, and eyes wide. "Pregnant?" he finally managed to stutter.
Abby simply nodded her head a few times, then averted her eyes from Luka's, biting her lip. She held her breath waiting for some sort of reaction other than a dazed stupor. She could hardly believe it herself. Pregnant. After three weeks of casually seeing Luka again. Or was it more than casually seeing each other? Abby couldn't be sure. They hadn't really defined their relationship yet, but after tonight's gift exchange she was fairly certain it was more than that. They had both joked about Abby's present to Luka, a cheap snow globe picked up across the street from the ER, but they knew the deeper meaning of it, and both felt pain and a sense of shared history in the gift. Three years before, Luka had given Abby a snow globe music box in the Secret Santa exchange, though neither had acknowledged out loud that he was the giver of the gift with the haunting melody. Abby had cherished the gift and for months afterward, listened to the song every night, and more often than that of late, when her feelings for Luka grew stronger.
Abby had never felt happier or safer in her life. This time around felt right. They had both spent the past four years finding themselves and now they had both healed that broken part of their spirits. They were both survivors, perhaps that was what continually drew them to each other, why, as Luka had said, they always seemed to find each other. Luka had survived war in his country and the loss of his family, while Abby had survived a domestic and psychological war with herself. They both had baggage and scars, but those experiences made them unique to each other and in the beginning allowed both to be emotionally detached, but it was that detachment that had ruined them, which they both feared and longed for.
Luka had found solace in Bishop Stewart and in Sam and Alex; Abby had found hers in Carter and her family, but in the end they both felt that these experiences were ultimately hollow because something was still missing: each other. There was something very basic that they understood about the other: the complete and utter fear that comes with loving again.
So they had found each other once more, having come to terms with themselves and ready to make a new life. It had been perfect from the night of their second first kiss, as Abby thought of it. That night was about much more than sex for both of them; it was a mutual comfort and a surrender to a long pent up desire. That night was about the reconciliation of their combined mistakes and pains.
As they both stood silently in the falling snow, lost in their own thoughts and unsure what the other was contemplating, Abby thought back to the night of Neela and Gallant's wedding; that must have been the night the baby was conceived. She smiled at the memory of that night. She couldn't have asked for a moment more pleasurable or special. Luka held her in his arms afterward and she remembered thinking that she wished they could stay like that forever.
Abby was supposed to have gotten her period three days later, and when it never came she hardly noticed because she was so caught up in this new relationship with Luka, and she had been late before. Then, two days ago as she was sorting through her planner at work she realized that she was more than two weeks late and panicked. Luka was working the night shift, and she went out to the nearest convenience store after work and bought a pregnancy test; it was positive and the next day she made and OB appointment. Her test results had come back positive that very day and she had spent the rest of the day trying to figure out the best way to tell Luka and wondering how he would react. Would he be happy? Would he be angry? Upset? She really didn't know.
The first time they had started dating, they talked about the possibility of children, just a few months before they broke up in one stormy argument. Abby knew that Luka wanted more children, but the question was, did he want them with her? And did he want one now? Saying that this child was unexpected was an understatement, and Abby didn't think she could abort another baby. As soon as she found out about the pregnancy, she had made her mind up to keep the baby, whether Luka wanted anything to do with it or not. She just hoped that he would.
Luka's mind was still drawing a blank but he knew he had to say something, and fast. It felt like an eternity since he had uttered the word "Pregnant" and the silence was beginning to be unbearable.
"How…" he started, and then realized that was a stupid question to ask. "…When did you find out?" he finally managed to ask her.
"This morning. I took a home pregnancy test two days ago and it was positive, and then went to OB yesterday. They called with my results this morning, just before I saw you," Abby told him.
"Why didn't you tell me sooner?" he asked quietly and a little hurt.
"Because I didn't want to tell you until there was something to tell."
This softened his hurt, and his heart reached out for her. "I wish you had told me. You shouldn't have had to go through that alone…but none of that matters, anyway. I…I really don't know what to say. This is the last thing I expected you would say…"
Now Abby was at a loss for words. Was the whole night going to be filled with awkward conversation like this? "What did you think I was going to say?"
Luka smiled briefly at his own foolishness. "I thought you were going to end things with me."
Abby looked confused. "Why would I do that?"
"I don't know," he said honestly. "You just seemed kind of distracted all day, so I assumed that you weren't happy with me."
"Luka…we're going to have to be honest with each other. This can't be like last time…I need to know what you're thinking and I need to be able to tell you what I'm feeling and thinking," Abby told him, and he nodded his head in agreement. "…So what are you thinking?"
Luka noticed her shivering as she said this. "I'm thinking that we're both freezing and we should go somewhere warm…and private to talk about this," he said, eyeing several nurses watching them through the window. Abby looked back and noticed this too. Abby and Luka waved at Lydia and Chuny as they walked away and got into Luka's car.
The drive to Abby's apartment was quiet, but not awkward. They were both collecting their thoughts and sorting through what should be said. "A baby," Luka began thinking. A baby. His second chance at fatherhood and love. His second chance with Abby. He wanted to settle down and have children again more than anything, and he felt that he was ready. But was Abby? Maybe this was too soon. After all, it had only been three weeks, and in the year's time that they had been together before, they had failed to connect time and time again. He had wanted them to go slowly this time, figuring things out one step at a time, but then he realized that this was one of those steps, it just wasn't in the order that he had expected.
When they reached Abby's apartment, he took her hand as they walked up the stairs and into her apartment. Finally settled on her couch, Luka began. "Abby, do…do you want this baby?" he asked, feeling that this should be sorted through before anything else was said. He was afraid of the answer, knowing her past, but doing what she wanted was more important to him than his own feelings. He was done with hurting her, with not listening to her, with not understanding her. Luka looked at her intensely, waiting for her answer.
"Yes," she said without any hesitation. Luka was taken aback. He had never seen her so sure of anything before. Usually it took her forever just to decide what kind of muffin she wanted. "I want this child," she continued. "I've never been good about following through, but in the past year I've come to realize that this is what I want…I decided I wanted this baby the minute I knew that it was a possibility." Abby herself was surprised by her candor. She was finally following through with something.
"What about you?" she asked. "Do you want this baby?"
"I…I've always wanted more children, you know that. And this isn't exactly how I pictured things going. When you told me you were pregnant, I couldn't think, but driving over here…I don't know…I started thinking about what having a child right now would be like…and I want this baby. This feels right."
They both breathed a sigh of relief inside. The hard part was over. Luka took Abby's hand in his, bringing it to his mouth and kissing it. They leaned into a long embrace, sharing a kiss. "I never thought I would be this lucky," he whispered into her ear.
They settled back on the couch, still holding each other. "What are you thinking?" Luka asked her.
Abby sighed. "Did you ever think things would turn out like this?"
"Yes," Luka said. "I always knew we'd find each other again. I always had faith in you, even when you did not."
Abby looked up at him and kissed him again. "I've waited a long time for this," Luka continued. "And I knew that we both needed the space to figure things out. I never guessed it would take this long, but now I'm glad that it did. Because I want things to be right this time."
"So do I. More than anything now, not just for you and me, but for this baby."
"This baby," Luka said, laying his hand on Abby's stomach. "This baby is going to be so loved."
"Are you scared?" Abby asked him.
"Yes…and no," he told her. "I'm scared of bringing another child into this world because I'm afraid of what will happen to it, all the terrible things that could go wrong. But on the other hand I'm not because I know that you can't live life being scared of what could happen. If I lived my life thinking like that, I would never have found my way back to you. And knowing that you're going to be a wonderful mother, I know that this baby will never be alone," he finished, and she smiled at him, snuggling closer to his body.
"Are you scared?" he asked her.
"…Yes," she replied in a quiet voice.
"Of what?"
"That I'm not going to be a good mother. That I'm giving this child bipolar disorder. That things aren't going to work out between us…again."
"Don't worry about that," he said, holding her tighter at the memory of their breakup. "I'm not going to let anything bad happen to us this time. And you're going to be a great mother, and if the baby does have bipolar disorder, it is something that we can treat from the beginning, before things get out of hand. Don't be afraid of that. Everything will work out; just look at Maggie, she has her life figured out now, doesn't she?"
"I guess," Abby said begrudgingly, but then smiled. "She's going to be so happy about this. She always wanted grandchildren."
"Do you want to call her right now and tell her?"
"No, I'm going to call her on Christmas Day, although I'm sure she will jump on the first bus to Chicago once I tell her."
"Hmm…maybe you should wait till after Christmas to tell her then," Luka laughed. "I want you all to myself."
Abby smiled at that and placed her hand on her stomach. "Are we going to tell people?" she asked him, the problem suddenly occurring to her.
"Well, I think that at some point they'll figure it out themselves," he laughed. "In fact, knowing the nurses, they probably figured out and told the whole hospital by now."
Abby laughed and said, "No, but seriously. You're the Chief of the ER and I'm a second year resident. We're not even supposed to be dating, much less having a baby together."
Luka sighed. "I guess I hadn't even thought of that. I don't know what Kerry will do. But it's not like she can fire either of us for it."
"I wouldn't be too sure about that."
"Hey, don't worry about it. Why don't we go and tell Kerry together, in private, and see what she says, and then we can go from there. And I can always resign as Chief. Besides, I'll probably want to so I can spend more time with you and the baby."
"No, I don't want you to do that. I don't want you to have to give that up."
"But I want to! I'm beginning to think I'm not cut out for this whole Chief thing anyway."
"Don't say that," Abby told him. "You're a great teacher and a great leader, and you deserve this."
"Well…we'll just wait and see what happens."
"Okay," Abby agreed, stifling a yawn.
"Tired?" he asked.
"Exhausted. It's been a long day."
"Ready for bed?"
"Yeah. You?"
"Always," he replied with a smile, kissing her.
"Well, when you put if that way," she said, reciprocating and deepening the kiss. He loved the way she tasted, the way she felt. Abby moaned slightly underneath his touch, and Luka took this as his cue to lift her up and carry her to the bedroom. He laid her down softly on the bed and continued kissing her. He unbuttoned her shirt while he stared into her eyes and ran his hand down her chest and stomach. Abby pulled him on top of her, kissing him and helping him to remove his shirt. They quickly shed the rest of their clothing and made love slowly and tenderly, finally falling exhausted into each other's arms.
"What are you thinking?" Abby asked Luka, pulling him out of a reverie.
"Just imagining what the next nine months are going to be like."
"Oh yeah? What are you imagining happening?"
"Oh, I don't know. Shopping for baby things, telling everyone at work, calling my father to tell him about the baby."
"What do you think he'll say?"
"I think that it'll make him very happy. And proud," Luka said. He made his way down Abby's body and stopped at her stomach. "Hello, in there, little one," he whispered. "I'm your Daddy. And I can't wait to see you." Abby smiled at that and stroked his hair.
Luka looked up at her. "I'm also looking forward to watching you get nice and fat," he said with a mischievous grin. Abby gave him her best "I hate you" face and smacked his arm.
"That is the one part I am not looking forward to."
"Come on, your belly gets bigger everyday, you can see that the baby is growing inside of you. Plus you get to eat whatever you want."
"Well, that part of it I do like," Abby laughed. "Get ready for those midnight cravings, you're the one who's going to be going out to get ice cream."
"What are you talking about, midnight cravings for ice cream? You want ice cream all the time anyway."
"True enough. Pickles then."
"Pickles?"
"Yeah! When Susan was pregnant with Cosmo, all she wanted to eat half the time was pickles and ice cream."
"Together?" he asked, making a face.
"It was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen anyone eat," Abby said, laughing.
Luka just stared at her and smiled.
"What?" Abby asked, suddenly self-conscious.
"You're beautiful," he whispered. Abby smiled faintly. "Especially now," he continued. "And here I thought you were just glowing because of all the sex we've been having."
"Ha ha."
"Do you know when the baby was conceived?" she asked him, smiling.
"I think I can guess."
"Really? Cause I think that I know."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah. The night of Neela and Gallant's wedding."
"Ah, yes. Well, that only sort of narrows it down," Luka told her, with that naughty smile of his that always made her smile back.
"First time that night, smartass," she said. "Or don't you remember."
"I remember," he told her, suddenly serious. He kissed her again. "What are you thinking about?" he asked her.
"Do you want a boy or a girl?"
"Doesn't matter. Either would be nice, a son or a daughter. Which do you want?"
"Doesn't matter to me either, as long as it's healthy."
"It will be."
"I know it probably will be. The doctor in me just keeps thinking of all the things that could be wrong with it."
"The day you became a doctor, I was so proud of you."
Abby smiled. "I could tell. You and Susan were whistling and yelling like crazy."
"I thought it was a very American thing to do," Luka said, smiling back.
"Very…Are you happy? About the baby I mean."
"Yes, I am," he told her, very seriously. "Why?"
"I was afraid you were going to be angry with me."
"Why would you think that?"
"I don't know…just, bad timing."
"It's not bad timing, just…unexpected. And if not now, then when? I don't think that anytime is perfect. You just take it as it comes."
"I love you, you know," Abby told him, really meaning it. It felt good to finally say it to him. Luka smiled, his heart full.
"I love you, too."
Luka snuggled closer to her, placing his hand again on her belly and within minutes they were both falling asleep, and he thought to himself, "This is the way that things were meant to be."
To be continued…