Title: If Not Now… Chapter 4
Author: Adrienne
Spoilers: Through "All About Christmas Eve" and "If Not Now"
Summary: What happens after Abby tells Luka that she's pregnant.
Disclaimer: If you don't like it, don't read it. I write these stories for my own pleasure and the pleasure of my fellow Lubies out there, so don't give me crap about it. Also keep in mind that it is a fictional story so don't expect everything in this story to be exactly what happened/is going to happen on the show.
Note: This chapter is told from Luka's point of view.
It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. My head is too full of thoughts and fantasies of my new life and what is to come in the next few months. Abby is lying beside me, peacefully sleeping. My breath is taken away every time I look at her and I'm reminded again how lucky I am to be alive and here in this bed with this woman, especially after all the mistakes I've made in the past few years.
I can truly identify the best times of my life in America as the time I've spent with Abby. I came so close to losing her so many times that it still frightens me. First to Brian, when he beat her up, then to her relationship with Carter, and even through alienating her to me. Finding my way back to her was a long, hard journey, but I don't think I would change a thing. Who knows how things would have turned out then?
When I first came to America, everything seemed so new and different, but the family I had lost was still on my mind every minute of every day. The patients I saw, the people I met all somehow reminded me of my wife and children. Looking back on things, I realize that part of my attraction to Carol Hathaway was the fact that she looked like Danijela and had two small children without a father. I so wanted to be that father. It is only now, with all these years between my relationship with Carol, that I know it was a mistake. Besides, she had been in love with someone else, and I had my heart broken all over again.
Abby was so unlike any woman I had ever known, yet so broken inside that I made the mistake of trying to save her. But she didn't need a savior; she needed a friend and a partner, and I failed at both of those things the first time around. We didn't know how to communicate or be there for each other, yet the relationship lasted for nearly a year because we both cared for each other. I loved her then, I was just too scared and foolish to admit it.
The night that my relationship with Abby ended, I went home and sunk into a daze that lasted for several weeks. I no longer knew what to say to her. I wanted to hold her, but knew I had lost that right when I said all of those terrible things to her. But the thing that hurt the most was that everything she said, she was right about. I was married to a ghost. And that's when I knew that I had to let Danijela go. She would have wanted that. But saying something and actually doing it are very different things.
I immediately fell into Nicole's arms. She needed my help and I couldn't turn her away. It was just another mistake in a long line of mistakes. I didn't love her and I hurt Abby in the process. When Nicole told me that she was pregnant, I felt a brief resurgence of hope; like maybe things could work, maybe I could grow to love her because I would love this child. But then she told me the truth and I was left alone once again.
After Nicole, I knew that I had to get away and heal myself. So I went home to Croatia. Seeing everything there was difficult, but I had to do it in order to get over my past. When I got back to Chicago, I thought I had healed my open wounds. But I was wrong because there was one thing that I still hadn't dealt with: Abby.
When it became clear that she and Carter were together, I went into a downward spiral, drinking, driving too fast, even going to a prostitute. She had moved on and I thought it was too late for me. Christmas of that year, I went to a Christmas party at Susan Lewis's house. I had picked Abby's name out of a hat for the Secret Santa exchange. I had never really given her anything before, but when I found a snowglobe music box I knew it was just right for her. The melancholy tune it played reminded me of her, in her sadness. I approached her at the party, but she rejected me. The next day I killed a patient. I nearly killed a med student, Erin Harkins, that same night. I had hurt so many people, and could hardly recognize myself anymore, so when the chance to go to the Congo arose, I jumped at it. When I said goodbye to Abby, I thought it might be for good, and that it might be the best thing for her.
In the Congo, an unexpected thing happened to me: I became friends with Carter. I found a respect for him I never knew I had and he reciprocated this friendship, especially when he came back to Africa to find me, when everyone thought I was dead. While I was sick with malaria, two people were constantly on my mind: Danijela and Abby. I thought of Danijela, how if I were to die I would be reunited with her, and when I thought of Abby I felt the courage to live. The thought of seeing her again gave me the hope I needed to survive. When Carter finally found me, he sent me back with a letter for Abby, and when I finally gave it to her, I felt like I was breaking her heart all over again.
Abby and I slowly learned to trust each other and became friends again. I felt good about the relationship, but still wanted more. But she was back in med school and off-limits to me. Besides, I knew she was still finding her way. And that's when I met Samantha Taggart.
Sam was another single mother with another fatherless child. She reminded me of Abby and I think that's what attracted me to her. In the time we spent together I began to think that maybe things could work between us. I cared for her and I cared for her son, Alex. But it was made very clear to me that I was not his father and eventually she pushed me away. It hurt because I still wanted to help her and be there for Alex, but I got over it a lot faster than I expected to, mostly because Abby was there for me through it all.
That night that she came over after the little girl died, I wanted to soothe her pain so much. So I did the only thing I could think of: I kissed her. And to my surprise she kissed me back and we made love like we were starting all over again. I thought we were going to, especially the next morning. It all seemed so easy, not like before. But later that night we agreed to be just friends; it wasn't what I wanted, but I didn't want to force her into a relationship she didn't want. The night of Neela and Gallant's wedding, everything was perfect. There was a mutual want and passion, and I knew that everything would be okay. I thought we should take our steps slowly, but that thought ended the moment she told me she was pregnant.
What was I thinking when she told me she was having my baby? A million different emotions swelled inside me all at once. I was going to be a father again, and I had Abby in my arms. Nothing could hurt either of us anymore, I wouldn't let it.
Laying beside Abby in the dark I softly put my hand on her stomach. She's just barely beginning to show, you can't really notice it yet. Maybe I'm just imagining it because I want this child to be here so much. I finally feel like things are falling into place for me, like everything is going to be all right. I know things are going to work with Abby this time because we both want it to and aren't frightened of commitment anymore. I already love this child because I know it will have so much of both of us in it. I imagine what it would be like to have a little girl again; pink walls, frilly dresses, dolls, watching her grow up into a beautiful woman. Then I think it would be great to have a boy, a son, who I could play catch with in the park and help with his homework. No matter what this child is like, I will love it. I know Abby is scared that the baby will have bipolar disorder, but it's a small chance and I'm willing to take it.
In a few weeks, we have our next OB appointment and we should be able to hear the heartbeat for the first time. It's the greatest sound in the world, and I can't wait. I can't wait for a lifetime more of first times, and I know it will all be perfect because I have Abby by my side.