Title: If Not Now… Chapter 5
Author: Adrienne
Spoilers: Through "All About Christmas Eve" and "If Not Now"
Summary: What happens after Abby tells Luka that she's pregnant.
Disclaimer: If you don't like it, don't read it.
Note: This chapter is told from Abby's point of view. Sorry this chapter is so short, I promise the next one will be longer!
Happiness is a difficult thing. When we're happy, we don't really think about it, don't even realize it most of the time. But when we're unhappy, it's all we can think about. Being happy is an art form; only the experienced, the masters of the subject can really experience it for any length of time. I should know. I've spent my entire life being unhappy with myself, with my job, my family, boyfriends, ex-husband. The list goes on and on. But now I spend everyday looking at Luka and marveling to myself that I am happy. Right now, here, in this moment, I am happy. And no amount of ex-husbands, bipolar mothers or brothers could ruin this.
I place my hand on my stomach and can't help but smile. In the bathroom mirror I watch my reflection turn to its side and a small bulge is beginning to form. Just barely there, I don't think anyone would really notice it except for me. And in six months that little, imperceptible bulge will be my baby. Luka's baby, the one he's waited for so long to finally be here.
I never thought that I'd be a mother. I made sure I wouldn't be, having convinced myself that I'd be a terrible mother. But now I sit and think that maybe the reason I never wanted to bring a child into this world before was because I wasn't with someone that I loved, someone that I knew would always be there for me and our child. Richard certainly never would have been, and Carter…well, Carter was never happy enough with me to completely love me. He was always trying to fix me in some way, disapproving of the way I handled my life. And I needed someone who would love me, all my flaws included.
Luka and I weren't always at the place that we're at right now. The first time I met him, I thought he was devastatingly cute, but I never really got to know him until I was kicked out of med school. He was quiet, but funny. Charming, disarming, supportive. Before I knew it, I leaned over and kissed him one night in the ambulance bay, and from then on it grew into a very imperfect relationship.
Maybe things would have been different if we hadn't been attacked by that mugger on the night of our first date, but I've spent too much time wondering about the "what ifs" in my life. Our relationship wasn't perfect, far from it. We didn't know how to talk to each other. I didn't know how to be there for Luka, and he didn't know what I needed or wanted. Maybe I didn't know then either. It was just so easy to go to Carter with my problems because I thought that in some way our addictions bonded us into a mutual understanding. Luka was there, in his own way, and I don't blame him for anything he did. He had his own share of problems without worrying about mine, and I never really let him in the way that I should have.
We were too afraid to say, "I love you," or any of the other things we were really thinking. We loved each other, but we weren't ready to deal with what that really meant. So one anger-filled night we screamed all the things we wanted to at each other and it was over. And I didn't know what to do. I wanted to run back to him and say I was sorry, but I just kept walking away and before I knew it I was at home in my own bed, completely alone.
When Luka became involved with Nicole so quickly after we ended, I was so hurt and angry and the fact that I had to see him every day at work made it so much worse. I felt betrayed, much more betrayed than I felt during the actual breakup. I was paralyzed by this unending feeling of nothingness and watching them together everyday, the way he was so attentive to her made me feel completely worthless.
After that I was too hurt to really talk to him that much, and then he left for the Congo. We received word that he was dead and I thought to myself, "This is it. It's too late now. This is how it's all going to end for us." I never thought that I'd see him again and when he walked back into my life it was different. He was different, and so was I. He seemed…I don't know, at peace with things, his life, his past, even us. So I settled for being friends with him, and you know what? Being friends was great. I got to know a side of him that I hadn't known before and for the first time we were truly friends and had a mutual respect for each other.
Then he was with Sam and I was back in med school, so I didn't really have all that much time to think about us. But somewhere in the back of my mind, I still hoped that there was a chance for us, even though I was afraid that if we did get back together, we would be right back where we were, not talking to each other, not understanding each other, and just in general not being happy. So I waited and got on with my life, or at least thought that I had until that night when he reached out and kissed me. At that moment, I felt like everything was perfect and falling into place for us. A part of me was afraid that it never would, so when it finally happened, I was afraid again, afraid of screwing it up, like I always did, so we backed off for a while. But then I came to realize that it was a mistake, and so did he and the night of Neela and Gallant's wedding we made up for all of it. Everything in the past, from the night of our first date to that very moment. And everything was finally forgiven. I knew he was the one that I wanted to be with, and this time I was going to follow through and not get scared and run away.
The moment I realized I could be pregnant, I felt a rush of panic wash through me. But my period had been late before, so I took a deep breath and bought a home pregnancy test. It was positive, so I bought three more, and they all gave me the same answer. I knew that I could never go through with another abortion, and after a few minutes I knew that I wanted to keep this baby, no matter what it would do to my relationship with Luka, or the risk of passing on bipolar disorder onto the child. I spent all of Christmas Eve trying to figure out how to tell him, afraid that it was too fast, that it would change the things that had felt so perfect for the past few weeks.
But now things have all worked out and I know that I won't have to raise this child by myself. It's all I can think about, and I can't help but smile when I realize that I'm going to be a mother. I put my hand to my stomach and even though I'm a doctor and know that it's not really physically possible yet, I know that I can feel my baby there. Luka is so in love with this child already and I know that he loves me now too. No matter what's in store for us in the future, I know that that's all I need.