Title: If Not Now… Chapter 6
Author: Adrienne
Spoilers: Through "All About Christmas Eve" and "If Not Now"
Summary: What happens after Abby tells Luka that she's pregnant.
Note: Sorry for my probably shoddy technical information, I really have no idea what I'm talking about when it comes to medicine.
"Luka?" Abby asked him quietly one night while they were lying together in bed. He had his head on her chest and was gently stroking her stomach, barely awake, just listening to the sound of her heart beating.
"Yeah?"
"Do…do you miss them?" she said in a small voice.
"Who?" Luka inquired, fully knowing who she meant. It was a subject that they rarely discussed, because it caused pain for both parties.
"Your family. Your wife, your kids. Do you miss them still?"
Luka took his head off of her chest and looked Abby in the eyes. He stroked the side of her face and she leaned into his touch, closing her eyes. "I won't pretend I don't still think about them and miss them," he began. "I will always love them, all of them. They were my family, and nothing can ever change how I feel about them. But I've moved on with my life, with you. Don't ever doubt that. Ever."
Abby looked into his eyes, trusting his words and his caresses. "Okay."
"Why did you wonder?"
"…With the baby coming, I just thought that it, you know, made you think of Marko and Jasna and what you had with your wife, and how this just isn't the same," Abby told him, in a rare, revealing moment of vulnerability. Luka was moved by her fragile state, it was something he almost never saw her in, but when it did he knew that he had to take the opportunity to assuage her fears and doubts about herself.
"It is different," he admitted. "But different doesn't mean better or worse, it just means that this is a different time and place for me. And just because I love Marko and Jasna does not mean that I will love this baby any less. Or that I love you less than I loved Danijela somehow. You and this baby are my life now, my family."
"What about Alex?"
"What about Alex?" he asked her, a little confused.
"You haven't seen him in a while, and I know that you still care about him, and he looks up to you like a father. Don't you want to see him?"
"Of course I do. Alex has been a part of my life for a long time now, and I'm not going to abandon him, it's just…I wasn't sure how you would feel about it."
"If you want to see him, then you should. He's just a confused little kid, and you shouldn't give up on your relationship with him because of me, no matter how I feel."
"But how do you feel about it?"
"I want you to see him, if that's what you want. It doesn't bother me, and I don't want him to be hurt anymore than he has been."
"Okay," he told her. "Maybe I'll give him a call this weekend, see if he wants to go to a movie or something." He paused for a moment. "What brought all of this on, anyway?"
Abby moved her lips together, contemplating his words. "I just worry sometimes, that's all."
"You don't have to worry about anything now. I'll do it for you."
Abby smiled at this and placed her hand over his, where it was still resting on her stomach. "We're having a baby," she said softly against his ear. He smiled at her.
"Our baby," he murmured, still smiling as they both fell asleep as the snow fell heavily outside on the streets of Chicago.
A few mornings later, Abby woke up early in the morning, a rare occurrence for her. Usually Luka was up before her and had to drag her out of bed, but her bladder had a different idea for her this morning. When she left the bathroom, she decided to make breakfast for Luka. He had been up late the night before when multiple trauma victims had come into the ER, and had stayed four hours past his shift.
As she made her way down the stairs and to the kitchen she noticed something different sitting on top of the coffee table, two picture frames, next to the two snowglobes that they had given each other. Wondering what the pictures were of, she picked them up to examine them and found that the first was of the baby's first sonogram, and she smiled. Luka had not been able to put the picture down for days after the first OB appointment and she had to stop him from bringing it to work and showing it to everyone, as they were waiting for another month or so before telling their coworkers.
She put the baby's picture back down on the coffee table, and looked at the second picture. It was of them, taken several years ago at an ER Christmas party. She realized that until then she had never had a picture of them together, didn't think that one existed, and the picture jarred her memory to the night it was taken. It had been during the year of their first relationship, the night before Luka left for Croatia for the holidays to visit his father. Everyone from the ER was there, Carter, Haleh, Chuny, Randi, Lydia, Dr. Benton, Mark Greene and Elizabeth Corday, Malucci, Cleo, Dr. Weaver. It had been one of the better staff parties that she had attended, and everyone seemed to be in high spirits, even Mark and Elizabeth, who were getting ready to go to New York in a few days to get a second opinion on Mark's brain tumor. The memory was dampened by the thought of Mark, and his long battle with the brain tumor, but she smiled fondly at all the times that Mark and Elizabeth had been there for her while she was a med student, and she missed them both. She reminded herself to write a letter to Elizabeth, who was now living in England with Ella.
The night of that Christmas party was when Abby had realized that she was slowly falling in love with Luka, and it made her cherish the picture even more. After the party they had stayed up talking and making love, and then Abby had driven him to the airport. She had missed him over the holiday, and had occupied her time by working in an attempt to fight off loneliness. That hadn't been the first time she had worked on Christmas, but now she was hoping that it would be the last. She finally had someone she could be happy with around the holidays, she had never had that before.
Setting the picture from the Christmas party back down on the coffee table, Abby made her way to the kitchen and was humming as she cooked. Her appetite had grown, especially in the last few weeks, along with her bladder's constant insistence to be emptied, but she didn't really mind; it was just another sign that this was for real, that she was having a baby.
Abby glanced at the calendar as she set the table and poured a cup of coffee for Luka, again mourning that her favorite drink was now something she couldn't have. It was February 11. "Hmm…five days to Valentine's Day," she thought to herself. Would Luka remember? Of course he would, she admonished herself. What should she get him? She never knew what to get for a man on Valentine's Day, all of the traditional things like candy and flowers seemed like a silly thing to give to a guy. Abby thought about it for a few more minutes and then it came to her, but a problem instantly arose. How would she get them? She knew that there were only two people who could help her with the problem, and she only had a phone number for one of them. She decided to call him that night.
Abby had the day off, and spent it cleaning up the apartment and figuring out what she was going to say when she called Luka's father. Finally, she decided to just call and let it come to her. She took a deep breath and dialed the number, briefly wanting to hang the phone up or hoping that Laurentis wouldn't answer.
"Hello?" Laurentis said in Croatian when he finally answered. Abby hesitated. "Hello?" he repeated.
"Hi, Mr. Kovac. This is Abby Lockhart."
"Oh, Abby, hi. Is everything all right with Luka," he asked, immediately concerned.
"No, no, Luka's just fine. He's at work right now."
"Oh, good. You had me worried for a moment."
"No, sorry about that."
"How are you and the baby doing?"
"We're just fine, thank you for asking."
"So, what can I do for you Abby?"
"Well, I was hoping that you would be able to help me with something…"
"Mmm…thank God for coffee," Neela said, taking a sip of her drink the next day in the lounge.
"Don't rub it in," Abby told her, laying back on the couch.
"Sorry," Neela said with a smile. "So how's everything going with that?"
"Good," Abby said. "You haven't told anyone about the baby, have you?"
"Who would I tell?" Abby just looked at her pointedly. "Okay, I told Michael," Neela admitted.
"Neela! You promised me you weren't going to tell anyone!"
"You said 'no one in the ER can know.' And Michael isn't technically part of the ER anymore. Plus, he's my husband and it's not like he's going to call up Ray or somebody and tell them about it."
"Okay, fine, sorry," Abby apologized.
"You seem cranky."
"I'm pregnant, what do you expect?"
"I guess."
"So when are you and Michael going to start a family?"
"Oh, who knows. It's bad enough that both of our families are barely on speaking terms with us."
"Still?"
"Well, Michael's family is a little more accepting than mine, especially since they've met me. But my family…well, let's put if this way, whenever I've spoken to my mother since the wedding, all she can do is cry."
"Ouch."
Neela shrugged her shoulders. "They'll get over it…eventually. At least I hope they will. You never know with my family."
"I'm sure they just need some more time to adjust to the news. Why don't you and Gallant go and visit them?"
"I'd like to, but I already spent all of my vacation time on my honeymoon and Michael's schedule is even more hectic than mine."
"It'll work out, don't worry," Abby told her.
"Thanks," Neela said with a smile, fiddling with her stethoscope. "So how is everything going with you?"
"Good," Abby said, with a big smile, laughing a little.
"What's so funny?" Neela asked, confused.
"Nothing…it's just that I can't remember the last time when someone asked me how I was and I said "good" and it was actually true."
"Wow, things must be going really well. A genuinely happy Abby Lockhart."
"It's a first, I know. But I think that she's here to stay." Abby glanced up at the clock. "Crap, I'm going to be late."
"For what?"
"OB appointment. It's the first time we're hearing the baby's heartbeat," Abby said, smiling again.
"Good luck," Neela told her as Abby left the lounge. She promptly ran into Luka.
"Hey, I was just coming to get you," Luka said.
"You ready?"
"Definitely."
"Okay, Abby, Luka, you ready?" Dr. McLucas asked once Abby was in a gown and on the table.
"Ready," Luka said, grinning and gripping Abby's head. McLucas switched a monitor on, and placed a device on Abby's stomach and suddenly the sound of the baby's heartbeat filled the room. Luka felt tears well in his eyes. He listened to people's heartbeats countless times everyday, but hearing his own child's heartbeat for the first time was something else altogether.
"Good steady heartbeat at 145," McLucas said. Abby smiled and gripped Luka's hand tighter. This was suddenly so real for her; scary, exciting, reassuring. Everything looked good, those words reassured her to no end.
"That's a great sound, isn't it?" McLucas asked.
"The best sound in the world," Luka said, still smiling.
McLucas removed the monitor from Abby's belly. "Okay, you can sit up now, Abby."
"So everything looks good?" she asked again, anxiously.
"Yes, the baby looks great, everything is going fine with that… However, your blood tests today indicated a slightly elevated blood glucose level, so I'm a little worried that you could develop gestational diabetes."
"Oh God," Abby said, placing her hand on her stomach.
"Don't panic just yet, Abby. The level was simply elevated, so here's what we're going to do. I want you to check your glucose level once a day at home and call me in a week with the results. If the high level continues we'll discuss treatment options. Just make sure you're eating a well-rounded diet, exercising and getting plenty of rest, which are all things you should be doing anyway. Don't worry, gestational diabetes only occurs in about four percent of pregnancies, and it's generally something we see a little later in pregnancies. But since you are over thirty-five I want to be safe. Okay?"
"Okay," Abby nodded.
"So I will see you two next month for the next sonogram."
McLucas left the room and Abby immediately fell into Luka's arms. "Hey, hey, hey, it's going to be all right," he said, comforting her. "Gestational diabetes is very treatable, and it's too early to even know if you have it yet. So let's not worry before we have to. Okay?" he said, lifting her head up to look into her eyes.
Abby swallowed her pain and worry. "Okay."
Abby sighed, taking her bloody gloves off and dropping them on the trauma room floor. The girl they had been working on had been stabbed repeatedly in the chest and stomach after a quarrel with her boyfriend and they hadn't been able to save her. "Happy Valentine's Day," she thought to herself.
Abby walked into the bathroom and walked into one of the stalls, but stopped when she closed the door. There was a muffled sobbing coming from the stall next to her. Curious, Abby knocked on the stall door. "You okay in there?" she asked in a quiet voice.
"I'm fine," the person said and Abby realized it was Lydia.
"What's wrong, you want to talk?"
Lydia opened the door, and Abby knelt beside her. "Hey, I know it was a tough trauma, but there isn't anything we could have done to save her. She was already gone when the paramedics brought her in."
"I know, I know, it's not that…it's just…don't you think that woman looked like her?"
"Like who?" Abby asked, confused.
"Like Lucy," Lydia whispered.
"Oh God," Abby said, and it hit her. The woman had looked like Lucy, was probably the same age as her. "Six years…"
"Six years," Lydia repeated. "Every year on Valentine's Day I'm like this, and Al always tries to plan some elaborate romantic evening, but I still think about her. It's like everyone's forgotten about her, no one ever says anything."
"I know," Abby said. "It's always seemed kind of weird to me, especially the first year… I don't think anyone's forgotten Lucy, she'll always be a part of this place. It's just hard for people, it was scary, and they're just moving on with their lives."
"Yeah… You know, the first year after it happened, I went up on the roof to think and found Carter there. He had a bottle of champagne and we made a toast to Lucy…but now with Carter gone too…"
"I know… Hey, after work, why don't we have everyone get together in the lounge or something and we can make a toast to her together."
Lydia gave a little smile. "Yeah, I'd like that. I'll talk to the other nurses about it."
"Okay," Abby said, and they walked out of the stall.
Abby was finishing making her notes on a chart at the admit desk when Luka walked up. He looked exhausted. "Hey," she said. "Long day?"
"Very, I didn't think it would ever end. How much longer are you on?"
"Another two hours."
"Okay, I'm going to head home, take a nap before tonight."
"What do you have planned anyway?"
"Oh, you'll see," Luka said. "Want me to pick you up?"
"Sure," Abby said. "Oh! Do you think you could do me a favor?"
"Sure, anything."
"Could you pick up a couple bottles of champagne and bring them in?"
Luka raised his eyebrows. "Non-alcoholic of course. A bunch of us were going to have a toast to Lucy after work," Abby explained.
"Yeah, no problem… God, how long has it been now?"
"Six years."
"Wow, hard to believe."
"I know. I'll see you later then?"
"Yup." Luka winked at her and smiled as he walked out the ambulance bay doors.
After Abby's shift was over, she walked into lounge and already found people gathered for Lucy's toast. Lydia, Haleh, Chuny, Yosh, Wendy, Conni, Dr. Weaver, Dr. Anspaugh, and even some of the staff who hadn't been there that night like Neela and Pratt. Luka walked over to her and smiled. "You doing okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," Abby told him.
Kerry got up and stood in the middle of the room. "As we all know, today is the sixth anniversary of Lucy Knight's death. Her death was sudden, terrible and violent and something that no one who was there that night will ever forget. It's hard for all of us to bear when a young life is cut short, but when it's one of our own, it's just that much worse. Lucy was one of the brightest med students that I've ever encountered here at County, but more than that she was a hard worker and truly cared about each and every one of her patients. She always went the extra mile and she would have been a great doctor. Her death was a loss to us all and… I know that I miss her…" Kerry was silent for a moment. "To Lucy," she said, raising her glass.
"To Lucy," everyone said and raised their glasses likewise.
"That was nice," Luka said as they walked up the stairs to their apartment. "Who arranged all of that?"
"Me and Lydia… There was a stabbing victim that we lost this morning and she looked a lot like Lucy. I found Lydia crying in the bathroom afterwards and we thought that it would be a good way to remember her."
"It was," Luka said and paused on the stairs to kiss her. Luka got out his keys to open the door and stopped. "Okay, wait out here for two minutes before you come in."
"What? Why?"
"Just wait," Luka said smiling and entered the apartment without her. She heard pots and pans rattling inside the apartment and wondered what he was up to exactly. She smiled, enjoying that he was so excited about this. On Valentine's Day the year that they were together, they both worked the night shift and just kind of forgot, except for some roses that he gave her the next day.
"Okay, you can come in now," Luka said, opening the door. Abby held back a gasp as she entered the apartment. The lights in the apartment were completely out, and the rooms were all lit with candles. Dinner was on the table, along with about two dozen red roses, and two small boxes beside them.
"Oh, Luka," Abby said. "It's perfect." She kissed him, and when they broke away, she said, "It must have taken you all afternoon to get all of this ready."
"Well, I've been planning for a while," he told her modestly.
"This looks great, I'm starving," Abby said, sitting down at the table in the chair that Luka pulled out for her. "Wow, non-alcoholic wine and everything," she said, examining a bottle, and pouring some for her and Luka.
"Well, I had some help," Luka told her.
Abby raised her eyebrows, "From who?"
"Martha Stewart," he said sheepishly, and Abby laughed. He looked at her laughing face illuminated by the flickering candles. "You're beautiful," he told her.
"It's the candlelight," she told him, always a little uncomfortable when it came to compliments.
"No," was all that Luka said. Abby looked down at her food, smiling.
After they finished dinner, Abby went into their bedroom and removed a large box from her dresser drawer. When she went back to the kitchen she found Luka sitting on the couch with two boxes next to him. She leaned down and kissed him, then sat down on the couch.
"Do you want to open your present first or should I?" Abby asked him.
"You go first," Luka told her.
"Okay," said, taking the first box that he handed her. She took the paper off carefully and then opened the box. When she saw what was inside she couldn't help but laugh. "A glass frog!" she exclaimed.
Luka laughed. "Yeah, well, I could tell you were a little disappointed when I didn't get you one for Christmas."
"Thank you," Abby said, kissing him. "It's perfect."
"Now, here's your real gift," Luka told her, handing her the second, smaller box.
Abby opened it, finding a velvet box. She opened it and found a silver necklace, with a beautiful, intricately engraved silver locket attached. She took it out of the box and studied it, then turned it over and read the inscription, which said, "Volim te, Abby."
Abby looked back up at Luka. "I love it," she said in a quavering voice. "And I love you too."
"I love you," he said, kissing her. He took the necklace from her hand and latched it around her neck. Abby looked down at the locket and opened it, but it was empty. "I figured that once the baby is born you can put his or her picture inside of it."
"Thank you," she said, kissing him again. "Your turn now," she said, handing him the box.
He shook it, putting it to his ear, and Abby just laughed. He opened the box and pulled back the tissue paper and began to cry. Inside were three pictures. One of Danijela, one of Jasna and one of Marko.
"I know that you have just the one little picture of Danijela and Jasna," Abby explained.
Luka looked up at her. "How…how did you get these?"
"I got some help from your father."
"My father?"
"Yeah, I had him contact the newspaper that had your wedding announcement in it and also the hospital where Jasna and Marko were born, figuring that they would have pictures on file. So I got copies, had them blown up and refinished into glossy copies and had them framed."
"Abby…I…I…" Luka said, lost for words.
She embraced him. "You don't have to say anything. I know," she whispered, holding him tight.
"I love you," he told her. "I love you so much."
"I love you, too," she said, wiping his tears away.