Lol
Armbiter and the Sacred Icon Part III
"OOOH!" muttered the Armbiter as the cinematic blocks came down. The words 'Objects in mirrors are larger than they appear' appeared. For a few seconds, the cinematic was all cinematically and then it disappeared.
"The Armbiter! What are you doing here?" yelled UEG.
"What does it look like! Walking the f(noise)ing dog!" yelled the Armbiter in response.
"…What's a dog?" asked Flippy Lippy.
"IT DOESN'T MATTER, err, why are there two missing mandibles on your face?" asked the Armbiter.
"Oh, that's just an old war wound" explained Lippy.
"You mean a shmelting accident?" enquired the Armbiter
"No, an eating accident" said UEG
FlashbackLippy, err, UEG, is sitting in the middle of a battle between the forces of Good and Evil and.. oh wait a minute, wrong battlefield. Right, here we are, UEG is sitting in the middle of a battle between the Covenant and the Humans. In front of him is a table. On this table is a cheesecake with extra cheese.
The Lippy takes a bite of said cheesecake and compliments it on its taste;
"My my, this cake is just so devine! What do you think of it Wilfred?"
UEG looks at an old Elite, sitting in an old armchair.
"Well, me and a couple of my friends were flying along in Banshees, you see (even though it is impossible to see what he is saying) and we saw some Humans flying along in Pelicans. Anyway, my friend, Walters, suggested that we should shoot them down.
So, we dived towards them, shouting 'Hip hip horay and 'Tally ho' and other posh English things to say. Anyway there was lots of fun, shooting Pelicans and avoiding return fire and whatnot. We were very, very, drunk" said the old Elite.
"Woot! What a terribly English story that is, pip! I'm so incredibly English!" said UEG, not realising that he had eaten half his mandibles.
"AAAAAAGGGGGGRRRRRRHHHHH, MY MANDIBLES! AAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (Blood, gore violence, cheesecake, more gore and violence, etc)
Flashback ends
The Armbiter is sitting in a cinema seat eating popcorn.
"And that is how animals reproduce" said UEG.
"OOOH" replied Armbiter, eating more popcorn.
"Err, where did you get that cinema seat and popcorn?"
"Over there" pointed the Armbiter, at an Elite n00b selling cinema seats and popcorn for one dollar/pound/yen/euro/etc.
"One dollar/pound/yen/euro!" offered the Elite n00b.
"Errm, right, mount up Armbiter!" said UEG, confused.
"Oh frisky are we?" flirted the Armbiter.
"The Ghost" said UEG, pointing at the Ghost.
"Oh, yeah,… (to self) damn" muttered the Armbiter. The Armbiter mounted the Ghost and drove towards the doors, colliding with them and being flipped upside down when they opened. More FR (Forerunner Robots) spewed out. The Armbiter flipped over his Ghost, and sped through the now open door.
"Bye bye, Flippy, Nippy, Lippy!" yelled the Armbiter.
The Armbiter exited the tunnel and saw a group of FR and Flood annihilating each other. So, being the brave, bold warrior, the Armbiter waited for the two groups to kill each other off and mop up the survivors. And so, when the Enforcer staggered back on its surviving anti-grav thrusters, the Armbiter bravely shot it dead from behind at long range. Almost immediately, another Enforcer came out of a set of doors.
"Ahhh, noes fairs! U R n00bz!" yelled the Armbiter, speeding past the Enforcer. The Armbiter met some Flood and kept going. The Armbiter passed through a set of doors and came across an unmanned Wraith. UEG's voice came over to the coms.
"Armbiter, I am sending my…"
"FRIENDS!" Interrupted an Enforcer. The Armbiter shot down the Enforcer and desecrated its corpse.
"Armbiter, I am sending my best warriors to assist you" he said.
"Hang on, I thought you were dead?" enquired the Armbiter.
"Yeah, that's right! You left me for dead! U isz like, so melted!" yelled UEG. UEG's Dropship came down and released some Elites. Elites looked around and saw that the Armbiter had fled.
"N0000B!" yelled one, and the others agreed.
"FRIENDS!" yelled the FR.
"N000BZ!" yelled the Flood.
"DIE!" yelled Arby, killing them all. The Armbiter came to an open area, where a Flood Wraith and Scorpion tank were fighting FR, and were, of course, annihilated. The Arbiter crawled out of the cave.
"Be wery wery quiet" said the Armbiter, dressed like Elmer Fudd from Bugs Bunny "the wabbits over there"
The Armbiter stalked slowly across the open area, with the FR staring at him.
"SHOULDZZ WESZ HELPZ OURZ FRIENDZ RE-GAINZ HISZ SAN-I-TY-ZZ?" yelled a particularly stupid FR.
"YOTHNIDE! WESZ SHALLZ!" said another.
"Beep, beep, blurp, lol, nurble-wurble,twit-twoo!" added R2 D2.
"What's that R2 D2? We must find Obi-wan Kenobi?" translated C-3PO
"I THINK YR IN THE WRONG UNIVERSE, THIS IS DA H-A-L-O VERSE!" yelled an FR n00b.
"LOL!" added another.
"SHALL WE BE FRIENDS WITH THEM?" said another FR.
"LOL, LETS!" said the others, melting R2 D2 and C-3PO.
A random advertisement"Tommy, come here please" said a mother.
"Yes, mom?" said a typical American kid
"You remember when your dad left to save the Star Wars universe from Darth Vader and instead appeared in the HALO universe and was melted by Forerunner Robots?" reminisced the mother, looking at a picture. The picture appears on camera. It is a picture with the mother, Tommy, C-3PO (Dad) and R2 D2 (Kungfu-kicking superhero mega ultra super guy/robot/leaf/gnome sidekick).
"Yes?" annoyingly asked Tommy.
"Well, I brought something to take our minds off of it" said the mother, taking out a cage. In the cage is the rabbit from Monty Python's Holy Grail movie. The rabbit has massive teeth and a collar with the words 'Fluffy' printed on.
"YAY! THANKS MOM! This'll stop me thinking about dad until I can afford my own psychiatrist when I'm older!" yelled Tommy, opening the cage. 'Fluffy' sprang out and mauled the mother and son and desecrated their bodies. The words 'Another boring American life-insurance add' appeared on screen. A mans voice starts speaking.
"Do you have life insurance? If not, why not get insurance from us, we're cheap… blah blah… surfing on lemons… blah blah… eat people… blah blah…(evil voice) BUY OUR INSURANCE!… blah blah…"
Back to reality…
The Armbiter killed the FR and ran on. He entered another room with all those useless pillars and found more zombies, I mean Flood.
"WHO DAT?" asked one Combat Form.
"DUNNO, I BET EE WANTS INSURANCE!" said another.
"No, I already have insurance" replied the Armbiter shooting the Flood and running out of the room.
(Outside)
"WHATS THAT?" asked one Combat Form to another.
"IT'S A TANK" said the other.
"WHAT IT DO?"
"DUNNO"
(Silence)
"WHATS THAT?" (Repeat X10)
The Armbiter enters and jump into the Tank and drives away. The two Flood forms watch it go.
"WHATS THAT?" asked one
"A ROCK" said the other (Repeat X infinity)
Meanwhile…
"Armbiter I am sending more of my people to aid you in the quest the Holy Grail Quest, I mean, the Sacred Icon"
"I HAVE A F(NOISE)ING TANK!" exclaimed the Armbiter.
"So?"
"SOOO, I DON'T NEED NO MORE DUMBASS ELITES! THEY'LL JUST DRIVE OFF THE EDGE AGAIN!"
"YOU DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE!" yelled UEG, flying away.
The Armbiter continued forth and so the quest continued at an excruciatingly slow speed due to the Tank being slow. The Armbiter neared a building and found Wraiths fighting an Enforcer.
"Hmmm, I'll have a picnic" said the Armbiter, setting up a picnic with a swish and a flick from his magic wand…
Flash to…
Massive explosions, mass gore violence and death. A Wraith explodes in a HUGE plasma ball…
Flash to…
"Hmmm, this scone is off" mused the Armbiter…
Flash to…
Another Wraith explodes, and the Enforcer starts taking fire from Flood Combat Forms…
Flash to…
"I say, we are so incredibly English" mused the Armbiter.
"Yes we are" agreed a Combat Form…
Flash to…
The Enforcer destroys the Flood, but a stray rocket hits the Enforcer and the Enforcer explodes. The Armbiter finishes his picnic and drives to the entrance of the structure, and enters. Inside, the Armbiter runs up and suddenly UEG appears nest to the Armbiter.
"How did you get here?" he asked
"Plot Device, Arby, Plot Device"
Sounds of Flood screeching far away can be heard.
"Damn, they found my secret weed stash, I must go" said Lippy, running away with sword in hand.
"Now how to work this?" asked the Armbiter, looking at the control panel. The words 'press this button' can be seen with a big flashing arrow pointing towards a big shiny red button.
"Well, time to get the manual out!"
Tartarsuaces Phantom flies in.
"Just press the red button, Armbiter" said Taratarsauce.
"This one?" asked the Armbiter, pointing at a blue button.
"No, the RED button"
"The green one?"
"The RED one"
"The Horse shoe?"
"JUST PRESS THE F(NOISE)ING !RED! BUTTON!" yelled Tartarsauce.
"What are we talking about again?" asked the Armbiter.
The banging of a head against metal can be heard. Tartarsauce jumps out of the Phantom, runs up to the control panel, and presses the red button. The platform thingy starts to move as Tartarsauce jumps back into the Phantom.
"Oh, the RED button, well why didn't you say?"
As the Armbiters platform moves forward, the banging of a head against metal can be heard from the Phantom.
The cinematic blocks appear and the words 'Shooting Gallery' appear. The Armpitguy dribbles ferociously into a antique vase, obliterating its value. Cut to Tartarsauce.
"There are humans on the other gondola!"
"Fascinating" replied Armpitguy in a monotone voice, with plastic Vulcan ears on.
"What's fascinating?"
"Fascinating"
"WHAT'S FASCINATING!"
"It's life, Jim, but not as we know it"
"WHO'S JIM? WHAT LIFE?"
"Jim, they're dying"
"WHO'S DYING? WHO'S JIM!"
Just then, Elite n00bs appear from nowhere. One of the n00bs walks up to Armpitguy.
"Bleurgh"
"Bleurgh?"
"Bleurgh"
…
"Again: Bleurgh?
Then, to save our sanity, another n00b comes up and points towards The Flood.
"The Food!" said the n00b
"I think you mean The Flood"
"The Food"
"You know, working with retards is not in my contract" explained Armpitguy
"What contract?"
"This one I just made out of rice paper and crayons"
"Nice shade off green" commented Taratarsauce
"Nah, I sneezed on it"
"The Food!"
The gondola passed under some platforms and some Flood, wearing Food boxes, jumped onto the gondola. The Elite n00bs ignored them.
"Why are you dressed in Food boxes?" asked Armpitguy.
"Disguise"
(Looking at the Elite n00bs Bluerghing and Fooding each other) "Figures" said Armpitguy, throwing a Plasma Grenade at the Flood. The Armpitguy turns around and meets pure evil.
"MESA JAR JAR BINKS GRUNT!"
(On knees, facing the Phantom) "Why have you forsaken me? The N00b elites, I could handle, the Flood wearing Food boxes were stretching it, but now you've gone to far!" yelled Armpitguy at the Phantom.
"Umm, I'm Tartarsauce"
"So?"
(tugging at arm) "More Food" said JJBG pointing at an elevator
Five minutes earlier…
Several Flood are waiting for the lift. The lift opens and the Flood enter.
(Staring at buttons) "Does anyone have a manual for this thing?"
"Try the Green one" said a Flood Combat Form, or FCF for short.
The Lift doors close and the lift begins to rise. Boring lift music plays.
"I like this song"
The lift reaches the top and opens to reveal Armpitguy with a Plasma Grenade in hand. Armpitguy throws said Grenade into lift.
"I like that music to!" said a FCF, and explodes.
The gondola reaches its destination and cinematic blocks appear. The words 'That old familiar feeling' appears and the Armbiter ruins an identical unique vase. The Armbiter runs to an opening and everything goes white.
Miranda stared down the bigass hole. She saw a nearby Tentacle and thought it would be really clever to use it to get to the Sacred Icon. As she picked up the Icon, the Tentacle came loose and she almost fell. But Johnson grabbed hold of the Tentacle.
"You know, your father never asked for help"
"The Index is safe" said Miranda, climbing back up.
"Marines, stop jerking and get over her!"
Silence
"Get ready" said Johnson to Miranda. Miranda upholsters here SMG's looking badass. Johnson moves forward and the Armbiter jumps up a grabs Johnson.
"How're you smelling?" he asks
"Giggle Stop asking me out giggle"
Johnson faints from shock.
"Sergeant, stay down!" yelled Keyes hosing Armpitguy. Armpitguy runs away, and Keyes makes another mistake: looking away from a threat. The Armbiter jumps and slaps Keyes guns from her grasp. Then an energy field knocks her out and she flies towards Tartarsauce, who is holding a big ass Hammer.
"Cool Hammer, where did you get it from?" asked the Armbiter.
"My ass" replied Tartarsauce, sarcastically.
"Cool, can I have one?"
"STOP MESSING WITH MY HEAD!" screamed Tartarsauce, taking the Sacred Icon.
"The Icon is my responsibility!" said the Armbiter guy "See I have the contract here!"
"That's the one you made earlier!"
"Oh…"
"Enough, I am sick of paying psychiatrist bills, so I'm wiping your race out!"
(shock) "That's so evil!"
"Ain't it just?"
Disclaimer: Next chap will be a while