Darkstone

Gildor's POV

Dor Dinen, late autumn FA 511

I met 'the rest', or part of it, sooner than I had expected. We were near the Cold Lake when we were hailed. Hailed, not challenged. This silent, empty land belonged undisputedly to the wild elves alone. Bearclaw responded with the proper, soft answer. All sounds were soft here. After a while it seemed one started talking almost in whispers so as not to disturb the wind which was the only sound. This was Hawk clan's internal call, but the elves that arrived were not of his group. The one coming towards us first, on foot, had a leader's badge around his neck. He was tall, and wore dark armour which reminded me uncomfortably of orcs by its make-up, though not by its meticulous cleanliness. His hair was black and straight, falling down to his waist. He looked arrogant, with a cold confidence that made me glad Bearclaw was here to do the introduction. He wasn't deterred by the cool demeanour and got off his horse. The two embraced, and exchanged a few rapid sentences in rhevain. Bearclaw looked sour and growled like his namesake when he turned back to me "Blaze and the others had some trouble with human travellers at our border. It's a day's ride from here, I will go and have a look. Would you go ahead to the Cave-wall with Darkstone? Rain's group should already be there. I will meet you there in two days time at the most"

I wasn't terribly thrilled at the prospect going with this dour wild elf alone, neither did I want to cause complications right here. So I said "Of course". Bearclaw took his bedroll and stuffed the remains of cold roast meat from a deer we had killed two days ago into a smaller bag. He cast the rest of his massive pack to Darkstone, who caught it neatly. With a thunder of hooves, Bearclaw was gone and I stood there with this strange elf. Darkstone gestured for me to follow. Despite his initial cold look, he did not seem to have much objection to my presence. Or he was good at hiding it. When I dismounted, he smiled, though "You need not walk for politeness' sake. The rest are back there" he gestured vaguely ahead "I just left my horse with them, he still tends to squeal going away from his mates"

"Oh" I said stupidly, then asked "Young horse?"

Darkstone nodded "Very. Wouldn't be riding him at all if my own horse hadn't got killed some moons ago. He got away from some farm, during a raid or burning I think. Must have been far away because no farm near here was burned. He was quite singed, and is scared of the tiniest ember. We followed him three days before he let me come near. So now I ride him – most of the time. The rest, I spent getting thrown. You know Blaze, I hear?"

"Er – yes. A bit"

"Thought of asking that he set a fire-charm on him when they come here. Maybe it works. I can't afford having a horse that sets me down ass-first at the sight of a flame"

He introduced me to the rest of his group matter-of-factly, as a friend of Bearclaw's. No one objected, though they looked a bit doubtful. There were three males and two females in this group, which astonished me a bit. Darkstone went through the names "Icefall, Winterlight, Nightstorm, Digger and Greycloud. Don't bother to remember who is who now, hey you always does the trick"

They had a boar and a buck with them, already gutted and tied to stakes for carrying. Icefall and Darkstone mounted and lead the others' horses, so I got on Faire's back again as well. A short time later we came to a small lake, dark and cold, and there we halted. All of them made straight for the water after seeing to the horses. They let them stray, except Darkstone's young stallion and the small, restive black mare that belonged to Icefall. Faire had taken an immediate dislike to her whose ears seemed to point always backward. She kept out of the reach of the small, round hooves and assumed a dolorous expression. I brushed her coat while the others bathed, having absolutely no desire to go into that icy-looking lake. Faire went off foraging after that as well, but I was not left alone on the shore. Darkstone ducked out of a forming ring as the others began tossing a piece of drift-wood. Half the time the slippery thing escaped their grasp and smacked someone across the nose. Darkstone wrung out his hair and withdrew a tattered linen from his pack that obviously served as towel. He tied it around his waist and came up to where I sat.

"Care for gathering fire-wood?"

"Sure" I had assumed I was meant to go, but he went with me, barefoot and still dripping. There was plenty dead wood so we did not have to go far. By the time the others came out of the lake we had two fires going a good distance from the horses, and had a good supply of wood handy. The boar and buck were meant to be roasted tonight so that the meat would not go bad. If Bearclaw brought his group and the Avari here that store would soon be gone, but the next hunted animals would end as smoked meat for winter storage, Darkstone explained as we watched the others carving their prey expertly. He left it at my decision to take a stack of meat to roast, but said I should at least take some to eat for myself. There would be no proper meal tonight and everyone would take what he wanted and when he wanted. He went off with the others "after greens" then, and I and Greycloud were left to turn meat over the flames. Greycloud was silent, but mostly because his Sindarin was worse than my rhevain. That is, I had learned rhevain from Bearclaw, a good deal by now, but Greycloud spoke another dialect that made it hard for us to understand each other. He came, I gathered, from much further east, from musk-ox clan. So our communication was restricted to an occasional smile and a few gestures to settle arrangements. When the others returned with armfuls of muddy roots and other unidentifiable vegetation two more fires were lit in the neighbouring clearing.

"You sleep too" he offered, seeing me yawn as we watched the meat sizzle and brown slowly "No watch"

I was about to take that offer and roll up right here when I remembered leaving my pack and bedding in the main glade. I followed the reddish glow of the fire there and the soft voices of Darkstone and Icefall through the pines to retrieve it, but stopped short on entering the glade.

"Oops" I said, moving to turn on my heel. As captain of the scouts I had walked in on a number of couples in the past, but then I had decidedly been in the better position. I had left them to their business, ignoring protocol, but at least I had not been the one to blush.

"Stay, Gildor" Darkstone said, waving his hand "Had we wanted privacy we would have walked well out of the camp"

"Yea, well, sure" I mumbled, wishing the earth would swallow me "I was just going to get my pack, it's in the heap there"

"At the bottom" Darkstone pointed out with a smirk "Stop blushing and sit down, we have mead. I forget your people have – lets call it stricter laws. I assumed you knew of Icefall and me"

I sighed. Wonderful "How should I?"

"That's a good question, you know?" Icefall pointed out with a grin "How should he?"

Darkstone groaned "Yes, how should he. I should have thought Bearclaw wouldn't say. Darn. It's all that Silverleaf's fault, driving me mad and silly"

"I don't know about laws" I said "I just prefer not to walk in on people. What's Silverleaf?"

"Well you didn't walk in on us" Icefall said lazily "But Silverleaf, that's a he, and trouble. For now, he is part of our group. That is, he is with us. Did you see any trace of that barking dog, by the way?"

I withdrew my pack from the clutter "I saw nothing. No one, that is"

"Your rhevain's pretty good" Darkstone observed.

"Not good enough to talk with Greycloud yet" I said.

He laughed softly "Ah, musk-ox clan. That's some language, eh? I keep having to ask twice still"

"Better having to ask twice than to order twice" Icefall said gloomily. Darkstone smiled grimly "That's what we were discussing. Silverleaf"

"Though it probably didn't look like it. Give me that-" Icefall twisted to reach for a chipped earthenware mug and poured mead from a water skin, then handed the mug to me, gesturing "Sit down" he repeated.

I dropped my pack and gave in "You certainly live well in this wilderness"

"Not so loud" Icefall warned "The moment Digger hears the word mead we'll have to fight to get the skin back. Excepting the three of us no one here likes the stuff, but it was Darkstone's prey we traded for this"

"And I'm the one with all the trouble, so he's not going to get a single drop" Darkstone said grimly, refilling his own mug without sitting up and almost overturning the vessel.

"Yea, right" Icefall snatched the mug before it tipped over "No one will because you're going to water the plants with it" He tied the skin shut and handed the full mug back to Darkstone.

"So this Silverleaf is giving you a hard time?" I asked, casting about for something to say. I still felt my cheeks burning.

"Yup" Darkstone said, sitting up a little to be able to drink and then lying back to rest his head in Icefall's lap. Icefall stared into the flames darkly "Impudent whelp"

"He is not happy with the way I lead, would rather do it himself" Darkstone said "He had a great row with Icefall here before you came" he told me "And right now he makes trouble just to keep me busy, I guess. He won't be here long. We will be at each other's throats soon"

"You think he will challenge you?"

"If he doesn't leave on his own before – which I don't think he will" Darkstone shrugged "I am not willing to back down either"

"No one will follow him" Icefall snarled softly "We are with you"

Darkstone sighed "And I'm glad for it. But he knows, Icefall. It's just he has gone so far now all else will seem cowardly"

"And foolish. Young fool"

"I challenged Bearclaw" Darkstone said wryly "That was foolish, don't you think?"

"You were older. You had experience. You had the right"

"Everyone has the right to challenge the leader, young or not"

"He can't best you" Icefall put his mug down with a thud.

"No one here has fought him" Darkstone returned curtly "You only quarrelled with him because he called you a lovesick fool. I have no idea what to expect of him. I will be wary"

Icefall frowned "He is mad to challenge. And you are mad to tolerate his madness. If you are not going to get him out soon, I will"

"He would be a good leader" Darkstone stated calmly.

"He would be a good tyrant"

Darkstone squinted up at him "Look who's talking"

"You were not like him" Icefall stated emphatically "I can't remember you staging such a battle of wills against Bearclaw"

"No, I just stuck the knife into his tree without testing ground" Darkstone snapped sardonically, then sighed "Maybe I did not because it is a silly mean thing. But I can see how he feels here, Icefall. Can't you?"

"No" the silver-haired elf replied "I went with you though you were an arrogant bastard yourself. But I would not set a foot out of the camp on his heels"

"He would be a good leader" Darkstone repeated, as much to Icefall as to me "He is acting the fool countering all of my commands just to prove his rejection, but on his own I know he would give just the same orders I do"

Icefall remained silent. The soft hooting of an owl sounded near. Darkstone made to get up "Greycloud. I suppose he needs more wood"

Icefall rose quicker, putting down his empty mug "It's alright, I'll bring it to him. Before I burst or shout" he added in a low voice.

Darkstone sighed "Thank you" He shifted to lean back against the trunk of a pine and stretched, shaking his head slightly "He won't crush a fly if it stings him, but somehow I think he would love to kill Silverleaf"

"Why is he playing you up? Silverleaf, I mean?"

"He and Icefall are playing each other up" Darkstone corrected "It is not necessarily me Silverleaf tries to rile, it's just that Icefall – he is very touchy about me sometimes. That plays right into Silverleaf's hands. Or rather, it riles Icefallno end that Silverleaf can turn on him so neatly"

"Hm" I nursed my mug of mead, staring into the flames. I could not estimate what to expect of Darkstone. He shifted so quickly between the cold leader I had seen this morning and someone who snatched some time alone with his lover that I did not know how to behave with him. I thought I might like him. There was something about him that made me cautious, though, but it was not dislike.

"We don't fit, Silverleaf and I" Darkstone stated before I found an intelligent answer "It is all building up to a clash"

"Between you and him"

"Of course" Darkstone laughed grimly "Not even Silverleaf will circumvent the leader and attack the second in command. Or the other way round"

"You think he might try and kill you?" I asked "Will you accept that decision?" Bearclaw had elaborated on what they called fighting for the lead. Both fighters had to agree, as well as the group. Or their groups, if the point was to unite them. Otherwise, of course, to fight to the death was useless. Though Bearclaw had also mentioned that if it came to a fight things were not necessarily dominated by reason anymore.

Darkstone shook his head slowly, thoughtfully "You have heard Icefall. I need not. Whether Silverleaf looses or wins I will not loose my group"

"If that wasn't so-"

"Then I would do it" Darkstone said without hesitation. He took the finished meat strips from the small fire and exchanged them with fresh ones, adding the roasted ones to the small pile beside the fire ring. Icefall did not return, but we could hear him and Greycloud talk and laugh softly in the other glade. The firelight there intensified, indicating the two had staked up the flames and were probably roasting more meat. I glanced over, wondering if I should get my nap after all and leave tactfully.

Darkstone read my thoughts "You did not walk in on us"

"So you said" I gave him a sardonic smile.

"It's not that you are…unfamiliar with such a constellation" Darkstone observed quietly "I vividly remember Digger getting into fits about us when he found out. That was the first and only time I ever saw him go scarlet"

I laughed despite myself "He hardly seems capable of blushing"

"He's a monster" Darkstone stated emphatically "Nothing's sacred for him. The odd thing is, he is the only one getting along with Silverleaf. But you have not answered my question"

"It's not that you asked, is it?" I said. I had been very much at ease with Bearclaw, the past weeks, but I had been unable to untangle the curious knot of sorrow, guilt and confusion that had formed around my life. Or rather, my former life. The one Darkstone was referring to now. Trying to come to terms with either end only seemed to wrap the strings tighter around me, threatening to strangle.

Darkstone made a sweeping gesture "We are all runaways, we wild elves, literally or figuratively. I know what it looks like, running from memories. You lost your partner, I know that, a little before we met you back then. But that is not what is haunting you now, not alone"

I frowned darkly "You're a nosy lot, you know? Let Bearclaw tell you, he knows"

"Ah, maybe. Being nosy is what keeps us alive, us scavengers. But I will not get second-hand information from Bearclaw, nor do I want to. Keep it to yourself if you like, and no offence meant"

"None taken"

The trouble was that Darkstone was right. I ran away then, I ran away now, just the directions were different. That this wild elf knew so certainly angered me.

"Has Bearclaw told you about me?" he asked suddenly. I looked at him, puzzled. I was going to say no, but abruptly facts and things fell into place. I challenged Bearclaw. I stared at the fire. There would be only one Darkstone. Bearclaw had told me about him. The one who had escaped from Angband. Well I was not going to act the city-elf I was "Yes" I said "He did. Though I did not put it together until now"

Darkstone smiled crookedly "Well, at least you did in the end. So. What I was going to say was this. I had a partner, too, you know, before I was captured. They rounded up our whole clan – those they could not capture they slaughtered. If we did not kill ourselves before that. We were holed up in a cave – there was only one entrance. Those who were fast enough killed their partners, their children and themselves. Lehana and me were in the front, keeping the orcs back to give the others time. The orcs realized what we were doing and concentrated on taking at least those in the front alive. I don't even know what became of her" He shrugged slightly "I never found her in the mines. She was one of our fiercest fighters. Likely they killed her"

"What do you mean to say by that?" I asked finally, not wanting to say 'why are you telling me that?' He was not saying this to tell a tale. He was not saying this for compassion

"I mean" Darkstone said, focusing dark blue eyes on me "that you know what happened to your partners. It is no comfort, but some kind of certainty. At least that"

"It means I simply know for sure that I failed" I snapped, suddenly angry.

Darkstone sniffed "Then what should I say? I not only failed to protect her or anyone else of my clan, I also got myself captured and enslaved, and shamed me further by actually doing the work they forced me to do. No, city-elf, to me it means this: they were all fighters in their own right. Neither they nor we failed. Things happen that way. And the ones left have to figure out how to get along. I met Icefall when I had given up on the hope of ever seeing a remotely friendly face again. And there is hope in you left. You are here. You walked away from Gondolin. You could have taken the easy way out, and you didn't"

It was too absurd that he should speak of this so "Maybe it means I am just too damn cowardly to take that way you are referring to" I snarled.

Darkstone paused "Is it?"

Those cold blue eyes saw way too much. Involuntarily I dropped my gaze again, stared into the fire. I had considered Darkstone's way, yes. And I had neither found the will nor the courage. Because courage it was. Some perverse twist of fate had always kept me just a hair's breadth out of harm's way. If that had not been essentially cowardice, I don't know why I was always behind the frontlines.

I flinched when I felt Darkstone's hand close over my wrist tightly. It hurt, and I looked up angrily, for a moment considering pulling back but then deciding I would lose too much dignity in such a predictable reaction. I hated being touched without notice, without permission. And the Avari's cold gaze told me Darkstone knew very well and intentionally violated that boundary.

"I have learned a number of interesting things in the mines" Darkstone said softly "Some I gleaned, and some us slaves concocted when things became unbearable. There are easy ways to die – things you drink, things you eat, painless cuts – I know all of those. But you don't need them, do you?" he added "You have the power to lay down your life as you wish, and you could sail west – but neither did you. You are still here. You don't really want to die. You hate me right now for offering such a way, don't you?"

I did. I took a few deep breaths, exerting all the control I could not to pull back or smack Darkstone. He must have sensed the anger and revulsion I felt. He released me and sat back, laughing suddenly "You know, city-elf, it takes some nerves to confront you. I wondered why Bearclaw never did"

"You are mental" I spat when I could breathe around my fury again "Bastard"

"Right" Darkstone grinned "Time in the mines turns anyone mental. But tell me this – you get angry because it is tempting. And it forces you to decide yes or no. You decide no, and you are not happy with it. Yet you decided. Why? Why not die, why not sail, either?"

"What do you know of sailing? And you are still alive, too"

Darkstone shrugged "First answer: Nothing. Second answer: I dared not kill myself. So I tried to get myself killed, and it did not work. It was then I ran into Icefall. If I hadn't, I knew I would have tried again. But I was frightened. I still am. There is nothing beyond. Nothing I know or could imagine. You-" he added carefully "seem to know what comes after. Where you would go. You would have an ever so tiny chance to see them again"

It wasn't right, I thought in confusion. It wasn't right having Darkstone say those things, it wasn't right thinking that way. No, the wild elf was missing out on one little obstacle.

"You would have been looking for Lehana only" I said after a while, not knowing why I said it, to him of all the world "But the laws of the Valar are still supposed to be binding me, and by them I would be judged. And to the Valar my fёa would go. What would be the point even in dying when I know all that waits after that is more trouble? Silmarusse and I were not bound, maybe we would never find each other's fёa again. And Glorfindel's and my love was worst heresy in Valarin eyes"

Darkstone seemed to consider that for quite a while, staring at me for a moment, then dropping his gaze to the flickering blaze.

"I did not know – that" he said finally "That Valar thing. So they do exist-"

Of course they do I was going to say but then stopped myself. Nothing was of course here, anymore. Just that this nasty little problem of their existence – heresy again - had permeated all my life up to now did not mean anyone else ever just so much as thought about the powers in the west.

"They do exist" I said quietly, staring back across a vast expanse of years I had never fully acknowledged, never realized. Right now, it seemed like an endless grey plain to me, and every weary step from the far horizon to my current place became a dead weight "I have seen them, listened to them – broken their laws. They do exist" I took another deep breath. This mead was hard-earned, definitely "But how can you ask that, if you have served years in the mines of Morgoth himself?" That hit home. Darkstone winced but took the blow with good grace "He was never Morgoth nor any other creature to me until a few years ago, when I escaped and came into your people's lands and heard what they said" the Avar answered slowly "Before that, we only knew of the shadow in the north and the dread that spread from those lands – and we knew it ate forest like wildfire in summer and spawned orcs like an ant queen lays eggs. Nothing more" He paused, looking at me thoughtfully "Valar, that is just a name and a rumour. None of my former clan knew anything of them, none of my group here is of Noldorin origin. I know nothing of them. Of what they do when your…fёar…returns to them. So. It is fear of their judgement that keeps you from turning your back on all this trouble? Or is it something else?"

When I did not answer Darkstone continued softly "I want to live now. I have found something to live for. But I was lucky. Lots of others are not. Is it only fear of death that keeps you alive? Or only anger?"

Darkstone's question burned in my mind. Fear of death or only anger? I seethed at his insistence. After these peaceful weeks with Bearclaw, he was scratching at defences I didn't have. Stretching patience I did not have "If it is, do not make me give in to it"

"Why are you here with Bearclaw? Do you have an answer for that?"

"He hunts orcs" I said.

"So he does" Darkstone smiled briefly "Vengeful, yes?"

"Damn well I am"

I think we were very cautious with each other the next day. We did not speak at all for a while. Things by now were self-explicit. I took my cue from the others, and making breakfast was smooth business. Afterwards, when I was with Faire who had spent the night foraging and rolling in mud, Darkstone came up to me.

"I must apologize for what I said yesterday" he said abruptly.

"No" I said slowly "In a way, you were right. I am running away"

"Anybody's right. I was wrong to make it seem as if any…sorrow could be greater or less than another"

"Maybe not-"

"No, maybe not…Still, it wasn't called for. I had no right to confront you over that. Silverleaf drives me mad. I forget myself, I suppose. Forget not everyone's going to challenge whatever I do, too. Go for people before they go for me" he smiled crookedly.

"I won't go after anyone, let alone here. I am only a city-elf and a guest here"

"Yea well" Darkstone glanced at Faire uncomfortably "I've been wondering, you know…What drives you here. Bearclaw says friend, so…See, what I really mean is this. There are thorns between your people and mine. And I know what they think of…those that escaped from Angband. If Bearclaw told you…I was wondering what you…expect of me" he shook his head "In truth, my experience with your people is as bad as with Morgoth's, in a way. I…was a bit frightened…of you"

"Now I wish you would all stop that" I murmured, thinking of Bearclaw's remarks "I know I can't be one of you rhevain, but it would be easier if you stopped tagging little signs saying 'Elda' on me"

Darkstone laughed "That needs no tagging. But you mean that? You really mean that? What drives you from your own folk?"

I leaned back against Faire "Maybe I find out if I stay here. If I am allowed to stay"

Darkstone shrugged "You have no objection against me, I won't have any against you. Had anyone else, Bearclaw will fight"

I blinked "What for?"

"Your place to stay" Darkstone jabbed a finger into my chest "One thing you can take at face value from me – don't question anybody's friendship"

"I wasn't going to" I muttered.

Darkstone called for his own horse, giving him a cursory brush "We are going north tonight. It is three days to the Cave Wall with horses. What about Caltor?"

"Huh?"

"Caltor" Darkstone swung the saddle-pad over his horse's back "That's the rhevain form of Gildor. Welcome to Hawk Clan, hm?"