War of Wrath

Gildor's POV

During the War of Wrath

The earth bucked, and we ran, unheeding of where we went. The orcs seemed to have been vomited straight from the earth. We killed five of the original force that ambushed us, but this was pretty hopeless. Squirrel went down. I saw it, but could not get to him. Ten orcs, and the two of us. Me, as it seemed.

"Squirrel!"

Another orc came at me, and then four more. I went down under their weight, and my sword was wrenched from my grip. I had lost my dagger before, so I could only kick and bite, but it just served to amuse them.

"Kicking little beast" one of them sneered, pulling me to my feet. They tied my hands before me and pushed me forward. Some gathered up the limp form of Squirrel, but we did not go far.

"Camp" their leader ordered, and the orcs set to arranging a fire and settling down with their pack. Their leader dragged me with him over to where they had dumped Squirrel.

"I ordered to take them alive, didn't I" he demanded furiously. The orc in question cowered back "Too strong" he hissed "We could not"

"Next time it's your head"

My heart was pounding so fast it was painful. I could imagine what was in store, and whatever courage I had seemed to fall in on itself. I screamed Squirrel's name, repeatedly, regardless of what the orc snarled. Squirrel did not stir. I knew he was dead but it was impossible to acknowledge that. The orc-leader roared for help, and with two others manoeuvred me backward until I felt a tree behind me. Panic gave me enough strength to drive them back and throw all three into chaos, but they were too strong and too many. One of them got hold of my hair and jerked me down. They pinned me roughly, and then dragged me up again when they had a hold on me, driving me back against the tree. Their leader was large enough to push my arms over my head and drive his dagger between the tight bonds, no matter how much I twisted and kicked. With a few swift strikes he had slashed my shirt, not caring if he cut deeper than the fabric. He, too, was panting, though probably not in fear.

I knew the hate he felt for me equalled mine, only that helped little. He stood close before me, stinking, but his shrewd eyes roamed over me expectantly and finally he met my gaze, sneering "Stinking of fear, little elf?"

"Not worse than you" I managed to wheeze. He snarled, pushing his dagger against my throat, but then trailing the notched blade painfully down my chest and belly. He stopped at my belt. I could feel blood trickling down my skin, but the pain seemed far away "Don't squeal, do you? Should cut deeper, maybe?"

I clenched my fists and used the bonds as lever, kicking him backward. A surge of hate helped me to twist and jerk. The tight strings cut into my wrists, but then the dagger gave out. I fell forward and smacked my tied hands into the orc's face as he lunged for me. Stunned, he fell back. Had we been alone, I might have escaped then, but the others, watching and jeering, quickly moved in. One struck me a blow to the head, and for a moment I was as stunned as the orc-leader had been a moment ago. I tasted blood and coughed as they pinned me on my back again. There was a blinding flash of pain as their leader cut through my belt, grazing my hipbone when he slipped. He jerked my leggings down, cutting and slashing at the fabric until it gave way. Wild panic seized me. I roared and bucked between them, shaking the orcs off once more. I caught another slash across my back, then they had me again and I was back against the tree. The orc's mottled grey face was inches from mine. He had driven his dagger through the bonds on my wrists again, and I was not sure if he had not impaled my arm in the business. It sure felt like it. One more time I would not have the strength to pull free. My head spun.

"There's sure some fight in you" he hissed. There was blood on his nose where I had smacked him "Heightens the fun, right?"

I almost gagged at his foul breath. I gathered a mouthful of blood and spittle and spat at him. That earned me another smack to the side of my head, then I froze, feeling the orc's hand on my sex. He gripped, painfully, pressing the tip of his dagger to my throat at the same time. It drew blood, but I hardly noticed it. I almost strangled on my own gasping breath. They said we could lay down our lives if we so willed. What had to happen, I wondered, that I would try that? As things looked, I was perilously close to finding out. And despite the raw pain my cursed body reacted.

The orc grunted something, but the words passed my fogged brain by. With a cold slip, the blade of the dagger was gone from throat. The orc let me go, but only to force me around, my back to him. Pain shot through my arms, and I could feel his dagger scratch down my back. It came to rest between my ribs with a warning pressure.

"It's a slow death, drowning on your own blood" he whispered hoarsely "If you don't care to try it, be still now" His hand moved to the cleft between my buttocks, pressing deeper. Rage and panic made me gag. I did not know what I did, or if anything I did was of consequence. I heard a scream, dimly, as if far away. The orc was crushed against me, I felt more than heard him gag, too, painfully. Then he slid to the ground. Uproar seized the orc-camp, arrows whizzed. Someone cut me loose and caught me before I fell. A bit of reason returned and I gasped.

"Silverleaf"

He half dragged half carried me through the fray until I was enough in control to use my legs. We stumbled through the dark forest for indeterminate time, then Silverleaf halted. I clung to him, feeling his own breath come hard after our flight. I hurt all over, and shame nearly strangled me. The wild elf crept into a thicket, pulling me along what appeared to be a low path. We came out into a comparatively open space, roofed and surrounded on all sides by high bushes.

"It's alright" Silverleaf gasped "The others manage. They know where I went, they will find us"

I could not speak for a long while, could hardly breathe. Silverleaf held me tight against him, rocking slightly.

"He is dead. By now they will be all dead"

"Squirrel is dead" I gasped after a moment "It is my fault he's killed"

"No" Silverleaf snapped harshly "No one's fault. We all know the risk we take"

He searched me over, and it was all I could do to clutch the arm that held me and not scream. He wrapped me in his cloak and pulled me back against him. I heard the others return, their soft voices and movements. Silverleaf shook me back into reality at some point, pressing a cup to my lips "Drink this"

I didn't care what it was. I just obeyed and then squeezed my eyes shut again.

The next time I came back to myself was screaming and fighting. I woke out of sheer desperation when the clutching did not cease. Silverleaf crouched over me, trying to keep a grip on my wrists. I fell back with a gasp when I recognized him, panting.

"Heavens" He released me "I have to change the bandages. Don't knock me out"

"What-" I looked down myself, then at him as he untied the linen bindings on my arms "What happened? Aside from…"

Silverleaf paused, then blessedly decided to speak coolly "He had no time to take you, my friend. I killed him with his own spear. You are left with at least fifteen cuts of various depths, a stab that was short of your lungs, and two sprained wrists. His knife was too broad and wedged between your ribs, but without breaking them. Thank the Valar that you are what you are or I would guess you were dead now after all. And you were asleep a whole night and a day"

He moved down further, checking various bruises. I could not separate single pains from the long one that still seemed to be my body.

"The…others?"

"Hunting, scouting, guarding. There is another hollow a crawl further than this. We can stay here a while…That's a deep one"

Silverleaf reached for a small pot which smelled strongly of herbs, rubbing some salve into the cut across my hip.

"Don't touch me there" I begged before I could restrain myself. Silverleaf caught my hand "I have to. Lie down" His tone was so commanding that I actually obeyed, though I dug my hands into the loose dead leaves covering the ground.

"Gildor"

I finally opened my eyes and met his gaze.

He held out a wooden bowl "Eat something"

Once more, I obeyed, because there was nothing else to do. My body had betrayed me once, there was no reason to think anymore. I fell asleep after finishing the stew, without actually tasting what I had eaten. The next time I woke indifference was not so merciful. I remembered very well what had happened, how it happened. And that I had been lucky. Incredibly lucky. My mind filled in the time from the moment Squirrel and me had found us surrounded until now. But now I was alone. Relieved, I lay for a while more, slowly acknowledging that I lived while Squirrel was dead. 'We all know the risk we take' Silverleaf had said. Did we? Had Squirrel? Had I? Rationally, yes. But now? Embarrassment warred with guilt and shame until Silverleaf's arrival shook me out of that battle. He brought cold meat for us both, a water-skin and new salve. We ate in silence. Dimly, I was aware that the ground shivered. When I looked at Silverleaf he shrugged.

"Goes on for a while. You know it never stopped the last years. Redflame traded with some Avari yesterday. They say in the western hills rifts have opened in some places. The elves there heard similar things from other parts. We will move east as soon as you can travel swiftly. Let me look at those cuts again. There was poison on the blades"

I let him check the binding on my wrists and chest, but then stopped him. Silverleaf shook his head "Not a chance"

I grabbed his arm hard enough that he flinched "No" I repeated.

"Yes" he said calmly "Because if you don't let me now, you won't let anyone else, ever"

My restraint snapped but I could not decide if to pull him closer or push him away "How do you want to know that? It's not your business"

"Business, no. But know, I do" Silverleaf said "And now let me go"

"Get away from me!"

"Only after you let me treat that. Lie back"

I had no weapon. Both my sword and my dagger lay too far away. Maybe that was good, because I was not sure what I would have done had I reached them. This way, Silverleaf could push me down without resistance because my still fogged mind was simply unable to find an alternative.

"Look at me" he whispered, and only then I realized I had shut my eyes tightly, unable to breathe "This is me" Silverleaf said calmly "I won't hurt you. I can't even hurt you. I won't touch you any deeper than that orc ever did"

"Don't…at all" I managed to get out, clutching at his hand that still rested on my chest.

"Listen to me" Silverleaf said after a moment "I know what I am asking right now. And I know why I am asking that. I was in that same situation, years ago. Only it was men, and not orcs. I admit that makes a difference, but they went a step further"

Panting, I stared at him "No…"

"I don't know...how often they had their fun" he said coolly "But they left me for dead when Darkstone's group attacked them. He had a grievance with them for sure. Greycloud found me and took me with him. I awoke about four days later, wishing I was dead. The rest in the group never found out what had happened to me. Greycloud had some...call it experience in the matter. He stayed with me until I was as back to normal as he thought I would get. But he taught me one thing. And that is if you don't allow touch right afterwards, it will get impossible later. And I am talking as healer now, not as your friend"

I simply continued staring at him "I didn't know-"

"Nor do the others. See that it stays that way. And now relax and let me treat those cuts"

I wasn't sure where I took the willpower to lie still as Silverleaf washed out the cuts on my hip and legs. I had still been half-drugged when he had done it the first time, but I wasn't now. Also, I was dressed at the moment so he had to push down my leggings to reach the wounds. The pain of the stinging salve completely lost its meaning, I was only aware of his touch on my thighs, my groin. I would have bucked him off the moment he finished with the salve had he not quickly leaned over me and pushed me down with his weight.

"Look at me" he demanded once more. Caught between fury and terror I obeyed again, but only because my pride made me. I saw that orc's leering face before me, filling my vision. I would never forget that smell, so close-.

"Gildor, don't look away"

There was a note of desperation in Silverleaf's voice that broke through the wall of fear around me.

"You must realize that it is over. The orcs are dead. That one can't touch you ever again. This is me. It is only my hand that touches you"

I could feel him reach down, lay his hand lightly over my sex. I clutched at his arm across my chest. With an enormous effort I managed not to scream or to look away.

"Breathe!"

I gasped, realizing I had caught my breath too long. For a moment we lay like this, staring at each other. Though I sucked in breath after ragged breath I could seem to get no air. I was far too terrified that I could have responded to his touch, even had he done more than just putting his hand there.

"City elf, calm down. Nothing is going to happen"

I closed my eyes desperately. This time though I managed to calm my breath a little.

"Good" Silverleaf withdrew and sat up. His weight vanished from my chest, but he let his hand rest there.

"Could you bear that again?" he demanded when I finally looked at him. My heart raced so fast I was shaking. It was a while before I found the power to nod, once.

"Good" he smiled briefly "Because I have to rewrap those cuts, too"

Two days passed. Silverleaf made me move into the main clearing under the thickets. The others of the group did not address the orc-incident when speaking to me directly, but spoke freely among themselves, of the brief fight, that they had burned the orcs and Squirrel's body, and about whatever they had picked up in the past scouting rounds. They did not ask me what exactly had happened or how I felt, which made it far easier to find back to normal routine. It needed no agreement that I would see to the small camp under the thickets while the others hunted and scouted. Silverleaf continued to treat my wounds, and I was relieved that the cuts closed quickly and only the deep slash across my hip left a scar. Though I could soon bear his touch without flinching and we shared a rain-shelter at night tension grew between us. One day I held him back before he could follow the others out of our hiding.

"There are things we must clear" It came out more harshly than I had wanted and I added "Please. I cannot bear it like this"

Silverleaf dropped his eyes "I love you as a friend" he said finally, softly "But I also desire you. This…situation has not made it easier. For either of us, I assume"

"No" I said at length "It is not that I do not return your love. Or your desire" I took a breath "You deserve more than I could give at the moment. Maybe ever. You deserve all of myself. If I gave anything, it could not be less than that. I…I would only disappoint you as lover. As friend, I can maybe give more than you expect. Do not wait for me, Silverleaf. Maybe hope can be enough that it might change. That I might change"

Silverleaf gave a small smile "I knew you would say something like this. I think I will tell you nothing new when I say that among us rhevain we can not always hold that high standard. But I will not propose that to you, and it is not what I would want either. But well, it is better out than never said. I will not wait for you. But I will keep hope, my friend"

Then the rumbling in the earth which we had got so used to over the past years increased, to the point that it never stopped. At times, the ground shook so suddenly and so hard that we lost our balance. Birds flew in wedges as if the great migrations of spring and autumn had already begun, but it was barely midsummer yet. Which did not mean it was warm. Great storms ravaged the lands, drenching us in rain and sleet the one time, passing over with roaring thunder and lightning without a drop of water the next. One night we spent huddled together like dormouse under the wild elves' light shelters which we had to cling to unless they were ripped away by the gales. Trees crashed down in the forest, and we half feared to get smashed if one of the ancient tree-giants should fall in our direction. Our thicket was left nearly undamaged, but the next day we broke camp and fled east with the birds and other forest-dwellers. Great clouds roiled in the sky, and sometimes lightning would snake out from the whirls. It did not strike the earth, but it seemed a question of time to us until it would. The earth bucked and shook so we were flung to hands and knees repeatedly. We did not rest or hunt and only moved steadily east. We passed or were overtaken by other elves as well occasionally. A group Avari from the coast brought the most frightening news we heard. They had lived at the edge of the Taur-im-Duinath and told that the sea had come in to drown part of the forest. They had fled east and barely managed to cross the Gelion, which had risen to twice its depth and breadth. Many of them had been drowned in that crossing. Frightened by those news we fled together like hunted beasts until we reached and climbed the Ered Luin. There we nearly foundered in the snowstorms that descended without visible warning. I had no map but estimated we would be near Belegost, yet there were neither dwarves nor traces of them to be seen. We gave up the hope to find help there and scrambled around in the mountains, looking for a pass. Finally we conceded we would have to manage without one. Stuck up on the open cliffs we felt like beetles waiting for the birds to pick them off. The Avari, forest-dwellers all their lives, proved no help here, but faithful companions when Desert crashed through the surface of a treacherous ice-field. They had ropes, and tying them all into one and scrabbling for handholds on the ice we managed to get him out, nearly unhurt though shocked. We were hungry and cold, but the Avari suffered the most. They had fled from the lowlands with the barest provisions and no clothes for the high mountains at all. We shared clothes, provisions and prey, and the desperation of the days absurdly enough helped me to forget the orcs much more effectively than any exertion of will.

We almost believed the end of Arda was come, that the land would fall into smoking ruin around and with us. Avalanches and landslides often descended, in the surrounding mountains as well as coming down on our heads with only the slightest warning. One day, when we finally crested the highest peak we had been able to see and realized we were really over the range's height, another thing shook us to the core.

"What is that?" one of the Avari cried, pointing north. Birds seemed to wheel there, in great, roiling clouds as if of a great burning. We stood and stared, but it was a while until we realized it was not birds we saw but a single thing.

"What is it?" Silverleaf whispered, clutching me as I stared, mesmerized "Gildor?"

"A dragon" I said softly "A winged dragon"

There was a stunned silence in the group.

"Down there" the Avarin leader said "If that comes here, we should not be stuck out like sheep on a meadow"

We stumbled down the mountains flank, shooting frightened looks to the north. But though the clouds widened and encroached on the lands the dragon did not come here. We lost sight of it as we descended, and spent the following night in that valley, sleeping only fitfully though we had not rested for days. The mountains rumbled, and a dreadful shivering went through the whole range. We leaped up when thunder itself seemed to march the land, vibrating air and earth alike.

"We'll get buried alive here" Silverleaf muttered. We fled the valley in the grey dawn, but it took two more days of constant terror until we left the shaking and groaning mountains behind. We plunged into the forests east of them. There a number of Avari had sought refuge already. Though we were rhevain, we were welcomed and cared for as if we were clansmen as well. After two days of rest we took leave of our erstwhile companions who were going to stay with the local elves, and moved on east alone. Though the shaking of the earth and the storms appeared to be slightly less on this side of the mountains we were eager to put distance between us and the peaks.

"If these cliffs slide" Silverleaf predicted darkly, looking back "Their forest is shaved off the land in an eye-blink"

It was past midsummer now, and we gathered berries and nuts as we went, but there was no chance to lay up supplies. All was eaten as it was gathered. Within weeks we crossed one river and then another, and finally crept ashore like drowned rats and decided to stay where we were a while. We had come into deep forest again. The land was slightly rolling but offered no inhabitable caves we could have used for winter. We settled under the mighty trunk of a fallen tree which had buried a hollow beneath it. We wove twigs into a makeshift wall on one side and would use the rhevain shelters to close the other side when the weather turned nasty. We met no orcs, saw not even traces of them. Leaving always two of us to guard the shelter we now managed to gather more nuts and roots, smoke meat and fish, and dry berries and mushrooms. From outlaws to hamsters, Silverleaf said, surveying the four hastily woven baskets that held our entire store. At least we could sleep again, and the heavy rains did not drench us to the skin. If trees would fall in this forest, we thought, at least they would not squash us right away, with the great trunk as our roof.

It was later that year, when the leaves were starting to fall, that more elves came from the west. The forests are gone, they said, distraught. The sea rushed in, and in the south was at the foot of the Ered Luin now. Rivers had risen until the whole land had become a plain of water. Smokes had drawn a blanket from the north to the south, and all was rumbling and shaking. If you stood on the highest peak, you could see the sea below you.

Another moon passed until Star, scouting far ahead, returned early, riding his horse at a gallop through the trees. He dismounted and came to kneel beside Silverleaf and me as we sat stringing mushrooms on a line to dry.

"Silverleaf" he regained his breath "Caltor. There is word you might want to hear. I heard city elves talking. I do not speak the language, but I will repeat what I heard. They said…'the war is decided. The jewels are gone, and the oath ended. I summon the Eldar to the western shores. Take ship. Return with us. Then the doom will be lifted. I, Eonwe herald of Manwe speak'"

I could feel Silverleaf going as still as I was. And so we heard the summons of Eonwe from a wild elven Avar who did not even speak the language of the words he had repeated to us.

"Thank you, Star" Silverleaf said after a moment with a visible effort "Indeed we wanted to hear that. I…can tell you what it is about…in a while"

Star nodded and got up "I will return to my post. Is there word you want to have them? Because I think I was not meant to overhear what they said"

Silverleaf smiled crookedly "No, there is no word to take back"

"What will you do?" he asked me after a while. I shook my head slowly "I…I will not go. I have never been far east, but I will not go west either"

"I don't want to, either" Silverleaf said thoughtfully "Not now. Not if we can still, later…" he trailed off.

"The war is decided…" The words took a while to sink in "Silverleaf, do you see what that means?"

He looked up at me slowly.

"The Valar have done this. They must have. It was a war, all this. It was their war. The dark lord must be gone"

"Gone?" Silverleaf asked softly "Really gone, or just defeated?"

"I don't know"

'I summon the Eldar to the western shore…' I closed my eyes and felt terribly weary for a moment.

"Maybe you should go" Silverleaf whispered "Maybe after what happened..."

"Hush" I took his hands "If I had to go for a touch in the wrong place, what more would you have to do, my friend?"

He actually smiled "You would call me Elda just because my parents were. But I am no more Elda than Star or Darkstone. I have been born in the darkness here, and I will live with it for a while more"

"I wished things were different" I said after a while "I really wish. For us both"

Silverleaf shook his head "Then hope, as you counselled me. And let us string these mushrooms. We will rue it this winter if we don't"

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