A/N Thanks for the amazing reviews guys and especially you again Kari! Love your reviews! OK so here is the next part, it's packed full of angst and drama! Also, because I know a lot of you are asking, Julie's secret will come out…eventually and trust me there will be big consequences! Hehehee…anyway, here's the next part, enjoy and please review! Thanks
Marissa stared up at the vast arched ceiling above her and sighed gently. She rolled over in bed, pulling the thick duvet over her bare shoulders and shivering slightly, she couldn't sleep. Her mind was racing with a thousand different thoughts, most of them involving Ryan Atwood. She couldn't believe how different he was to the Ryan she knew all those years ago, seeing him with Ellie was just…so weird. Four years ago she could never imagine him being like that with kids, she couldn't imagine him having kids full stop. She had finally realised he had this whole new life and she wasn't a part of it anymore. She closed her eyes and blinked back the oncoming tears as she remembered how he had called her 'Summer's friend'. He may not have even meant anything by that but the moment he said it she knew how much it was going to take for him to forgive her…
She was so confused right now; she didn't know how she was feeling. She still loved Ryan, she always would and seeing him again was bringing back so many memories and emotions but she had spent four years trying to forget what had happened and suddenly he was back in her life and she was wishing she was in the next room with him, in his arms again. She sighed realising how soppy and desperate she sounded, besides she was with Jake now anyway…she was happy.
But was she? Did happy people drink all the time and dream of having a different life? Did happy people cry themselves to sleep each night and dread waking up each morning to a new day? Did happy people constantly wish they were with someone else doing something totally different? She thought about it silently, letting warm tears glide down her cheeks as she pulled the duvet around herself. She wasn't happy, she hadn't been happy since that morning four years ago. She had just been kidding herself all this time but all along she had been wishing things could go back to the way they were, back to when she WAS happy and when she didn't desperately try to forget all the sht she had been through and caused. She wanted to be with Ryan, not Jake…Ryan.
Ryan rolled over in bed fixing his eyes on the wall ahead and yawning widely, he couldn't sleep. Earlier he had been exhausted but now sleeping was impossible. He sighed heavily and glanced across at a picture of himself, Seth, Summer and Marissa smiling at the pier. He didn't know exactly why he kept these pictures because everytime he looked at them he ended up feeling terrible again and they just brought back everything bad that he had tried to forget, but they also brought back all the good times…the best times of his life that he had had in Newport with his friends and family. Having Marissa back in his life all of a sudden was messing with his mind…he didn't know how to feel or how to react. Should he be angry? Sad? Disappointed? Or happy? Every time he saw her his heart started to race and his throat seemed to seize up, he just wished that he didn't have to feel this way, that he didn't have to love her. Then he could just get over her, carry on with his life and not have to feel this uncertainty and this pain every time he saw her. He could just move on and they could be friends and there wouldn't be this awkwardness and tension between them. But at the same time, he wished he could just be with her again without all the complications. He wished he could just hold her in his arms and tell her how much he loves her, kiss her and just sit there with her talking like they used to.
He sighed and sat up, there was no point trying to sleep now...he thought vaguely looking at the clock 2:45 am. He better work from home tomorrow he thought as he swung his legs out of bed and stood up slowly, stretching and scratching the back of his head. He rubbed his eyes and shuffled out of the room not bothering to pull on a pair of trousers and heading out in his boxers and a wifebeater. He opened the door silently being careful not to disturb anyone and walked down the stairs towards the kitchen where strangely a light was left on. He drew closer becoming wary as he heard shuffling and clinking china. He rounded the corner into the brightly lit kitchen and shielded his eyes from the sudden glare. He squinted slightly trying to get used to the light and saw Marissa sitting at the breakfast bar sipping a glass of water. She looked up at him and flushed then looked down at her glass.
"Hey I uh…couldn't sleep." She mumbled smiling slightly and drawing her sapphire gaze up to his. He smiled back and suddenly felt embarrassed realising she was sitting there in just a pink silk slip and he was standing there in his boxers. He averted his eyes and felt colour rise in his face. Marissa watched him curiously and found herself looking him up and down, her eyes travelling over his toned muscular arms and torso then down to his legs. She swallowed and looked away realising what she was doing, she looked down into her lap suddenly realising she was barely dressed! He wasn't looking at her but at his feet.
"Me neither…Probably too much coffee." He said reaching into the cupboard and pulling out a glass and filling it with water. She smiled slightly and nodded…another awkward silence fell on the room again leaving them both staring at eachother for a while before averting their gazes and looking down at the floor uncomfortably. Why did things have to be like this? Marissa thought to herself.
"So, how's your work? I heard you're doing pretty well for yourself and by the looks of this place you are." She said breaking the silence and looking around the room. Ryan smiled slightly at her efforts to make conversation, why were things so awkward? Hmmm, maybe because she cheated on you, you left and didn't see her for four years and now she's staying the night and sitting in front of you half naked…he thought to himself. He suddenly realised she had asked him a question and he has simply been standing there looking vacant and staring at her like some kind of moron.
"Sorry…Work's great really, it gets kinda busy but I love it. How about you? Modelling huh?" He asked standing behind the counter and hiding his bottom half from view now extremely aware he was standing in front of her in his underwear. She smiled and looked up at him flicking her hair back and making his heart leap in the process. She decided not to tell him about how much she hated being followed by the press, being forced to stay a size zero, having to make sure she always looked perfect when all she wanted was to wear what she wanted, how she hated being dragged from shoot to shoot and having her photo taken and her face plastered all over the place. She would go with the safe option, she didn't need to burden him with her stupid problems.
" It's great, I love what I do and the pay isn't bad either!" She said with a sparkling smile. Ryan couldn't help but smile back as she looked at him…what was he doing? Standing here in boxers and practically slobbering over his ex-girlfriend. He cleared his throat and straightened up, she looked away uncomfortably and wrapped her arms around herself realising that the reason she was so cold was because she was barely dressed! This was awkward…
"Ryan I…why are things so…why are things like this between us?" She asked suddenly staring into his eyes as he looked down at the floor. She instantly regretted bringing it up as he drew his gaze up to hers his eyes shining and his expression unclear. He regarded her for a few seconds before sighing.
"Why do you think?" He mumbled darkly hoping she wouldn't hear but judging by the expression on her face she had. Why did she have to bring this up? Sure things were awkward before but they weren't arguing…He really didn't want to talk about this right now. She looked at him her eyes sparkling and her heart hammering, what did she expect? She knew she shouldn't have asked. But she had to get it out…she couldn't just walk away without saying what she had to say, she couldn't leave things like this.
"Ryan I'm so sorry about what happened…I just want us to be like we used to, when we used to be able to talk about everything. I know what did was terrible but you don't understand how sorry I am, I haven't been able to stop thinking about since…I just need you to know that I never meant for it to happen and that I…It was a mistake." She said her voice shaking uncontrollably and tears starting her eyes…why had she started this conversation? Why couldn't she had of just let it lie. He looked up at her his eyes still shining but wearing a pained expression. There was a long silence in which he just stared at her before he swallowed hard, his heart hammering and his ears pounding. He couldn't do this…he couldn't listen to this right now.
"Look Marissa, it's over, in the past. I don't need your explanations now okay? I just want to forget everything ever happened, I don't want to talk about it ok? It's finished." He said his voice wavering slightly. She stood up shakily her hands trembling and tears welling in her eyes.
"I know but…please Ry…what do I have to do for you to forgive me? For things to be okay between us? I missed you Ryan and I felt so guilty this whole time and I just want you to understand for you to…"
Ryan cut her off impatiently his hands now shaking as he gripped his glass.
"That's nothing compared to how I felt!...I don't know if things will be okay again marissa…it's too hard. Look just leave it ok, I can't be friends with you after what happened okay? Apologies and explanations wont change what happened…" He stammered his voice shaking and cracking slightly. Marissa let tears glide freely down her face as she watched the pain build in his eyes. She had hurt him so badly…and now she was just twisting the knife.
"I…I'm sorry Ryan, I just hate you hating me."
He sighed deeply and closed his eyes pushing back the burning tears and trying to steady his shaking hands. His mind was racing as he opened his eyes again and looked at her desperate pleading expression.
"I don't hate you…" He whispered
"I could never hate you. I loved you more than I had ever loved anyone but this won't change what happened. What's done is done and nothing can change that…maybe one day I'll get over you but I can't right now. I can't deal with this and I just wish that I don't love you because it hurts too much…" He tailed off his voice cracking and his eyes glimmering with tears. He set his glass shakily down on the counter and breathed in deeply his heart pounding as he looked away from her desperately fighting back the tears…crying was weak.
Marissa let his words sink in and felt the tears flow faster down her face, she was shaking violently and the lump in her throat was pressing painfully. He loved her…but he wished he didn't. Was she really that terrible? Did she really hurt people that much?...Why was she here? She shouldn't be doing this to him.
"I…I'm sorry I…this isn't fair on you. I shouldn't have I…Just for the record, I wish I could take it all back and…If I were you I'd hate me too…Don't love me, I'll just end up hurting you again. I'll be gone by tomorrow morning." She whispered before turning and walking slowly out of the room the tears not letting up and her broken heart hammering in her ears. She felt a strong hand grip her arm and she turned around slowly to find Ryan holding her arms and his blazing eyes locked with hers, both their hearts pounding and their eyes shining.
"I told you, I don't hate you…" He whispered. Marissa found herself drawing closer, bridging the gap between their lips. Her heartbeat and the rush of blood in her ears was deafening as she drew slowly closer, she closed her eyes against the warm salty tears and felt her lips lock with his. Her tongue slipped across his passionately and she felt that familiar numb tingle wash over her, she was back where she was supposed to be. In his arms.
Ryan felt her lips press against his and before he new it they were kissing passionately…what was he doing? He couldn't do this…It felt so good and so right, but he couldn't He just couldn't. He drew away quickly and felt the colour rush into his face as she stood in front of him tears rushing to her eyes
"I'm sorry…I can't, I just can't do this." He whispered in a slightly strangled voice. He took one last look into her angst filled eyes before rushing out of the room his mind racing and tears stinging in his eyes once more…
Marissa stood alone in the kitchen…what had she done? What an idiot! Why had she done that? Tears burnt tracks down her blotchy cheeks as she swayed slightly her whole frail frame shaking uncontrollably before she let out a choking sob. She ran a delicate hand through her hair in frustration and let out a desperate sigh. Kissing him had bought everything back again…she just wished she was with him instead of standing alone embarrassed and ashamed…
Another sob escaped her lips and she sat down at the breakfast bar resting her head in her hands and sobbing uncontrollably, her whole chest heaving with each racking cry. She wanted him to love her and she wanted to make it up to him…she wanted him.
Summer watched as Seth slept soundly, his chest rising and falling steadily and occasionally a soft murmur escaped his lips and he turned over. She cursed him silently for being able to fall asleep at the drop of a hat, she on the other hand…it took her hours to fall asleep and every night she would watch him drift off to sleep and she would be left lying in the dark alone with her own thoughts and Seth's soft snores and midnight ramblings. She could hear soft sobs leaking through the walls from next door, she had caught snippets from Ryan and Marissa's argument…she wasn't sure if they'd ever get it together after all that had happened. Even if they were meant for each other could they really get past everything that they had been through? Could anyone move on from that? She sighed and shifted slightly, she hoped they did…they were such an amazing couple and if they couldn't make it what hope did anyone else have?
Instinctively Summer found herself resting her hand on her stomach, she looked down and felt tears burn in her eyes as she thought of the tiny life that was growing inside of her right now…A whole new little person. She shut her eyes and drew a shaky breath trying to steady her trembling body and blink back the oncoming tears. She didn't know if she could handle this again, after last time she didn't think she would ever want to get pregnant again…She couldn't handle the loss, the disappointment. Tears streaked slowly down her face and she wiped them away quickly a small sob escaping her lips. She traced her fingers gently across the scar that ran across her stomach and felt tears flow faster down her cheeks and drip softly down onto her chest. Her hands trembling, she reached across to the nightstand and pulled open the drawer silently, she ruffled through the papers and wiped her eyes quickly. She swallowed trying to dissolve the painful lump in her throat as she found what she was looking for. She stared down at the small picture and felt fresh tears well in her shining chocolate brown eyes. She let out another choking sob and felt her chest wrack with each silent, shaking cry she felt inside of her. She traced her thumb gently across the scan and smiled tearfully down at the small shape of the baby in front of her. She closed her eyes against the rapid warm tears that stung in her eyes and gripped the duvet tightly in her fists trying to steady herself and quell the desperate sobs that fought to escape from her…He was gone, it was over…now she had a new chance, but what if it went wrong again? What if she lost another child…
She got to her feet tremulously and hurried out of the room before she let out another loud sob and woke up Seth. She hurried blindly along the dark hallway the tears rushing from her eyes when she ran straight into something large and solid. She stumbled backwards a few steps her breath catching in her throat before squinting through the darkness, now able to make out a familiar figure.
"Summer? Are you okay?" Ryan's familiar deep voice asked, concerned. He squinted at her through the dark and she could see tears settling on her face as they shone in the silvery moonlight that spilled through the curtains. She shook her head causing more teardrops to fall from her shining eyes. She started to sob again desperately her whole body shaking with each gasp and cry that escaped her lips. Ryan pulled her closer to him and hugged her tightly, wrapping his strong arms around her as she sobbed onto his chest, burying her head deep into his embrace.
"Ssssh…c'mon, tell me what's up." He whispered soothingly pulling away and tilting her face up with his finger so she was facing him. Her large brown eyes shone with pain and uncertainty as she stared into his blazing blue ones, she felt her hammering heart slow slightly and the tears and sniffles were subdued slightly as he rubbed her back softly. She nodded not trusting herself to speak and he led her slowly into one of the spare rooms. He opened the door and felt a rush of cool air hit him in the face as they stepped into the unused empty room. A single bed sat in the centre of the room and Summer followed him over where he sat down and she sat next to him. She wiped her eyes on the back of her hands and sniffed slightly breathing in deeply trying to calm herself down…She knew she could tell Ryan, she could trust him and he would calm her down and give her advice, afterall this wasn't the first time. Back in Newport they had been 'friends' but they had never been that close, they would only really talk when they met up with Seth and Marissa in tow and even then it wasn't deep meaningful conversation it was just friendly banter. But since Marissa left and all this trouble and drama started happening Ryan didn't have someone he could talk to anymore, sure he had Seth and they would tell eachother everything but it wasn't the same as having a girl's perspective on things. Seth wasn't the most sensitive of people and certainly wasn't the best person to go to for advice and somehow he could bring every conversation back to himself so Ryan had turned to her…They had long conversations about each other's thoughts and feelings and finally they both had an outlet and someone who they could go to for advice and just to talk about stuff they couldn't really talk about with other people. Ryan and Summer had become good friends, best friends even but neither was the same as Seth or Marissa. Summer knew she could tell Ryan and she knew he would help her…she had done the same for him.
"Are you gonna tell me what's wrong or are we gonna sit here in silence for the rest of the night enjoying the minimalist décor?" He asked watching her. She jumped slightly suddenly aware that she had been sitting there for a good two minutes just staring at the wall, lost in her own thoughts. She flushed slightly and looked up at Ryan finding her eyes welling up again.
"It's…I just…I…I'm pregnant." She said bluntly watching Ryan's expression change from concern to astonished. A small smile curled up on the corner of her lips as she watched his face but hearing herself say the words made it all sound so real…it was real. She swallowed with great difficulty as the painful lump rose again in her throat and her eyes stung with suppressed sorrow.
"Right…" Ryan said eventually not knowing really what to say. He remembered what had happened last time with Summer's pregnancy and felt a stab of sympathy, he knew exactly why she was upset now but he figured it would be better to let her tell him so she could get it off her chest…
"I guess…I'm just so scared Ry…What if it goes wrong like last time and I, I…lose the baby again? I don't know if I'll be able to deal with it. " She stammered as she started to sob softly again, Ryan hugged her tightly feeling her salty tear drops dripped onto his shoulder soaking through his wifebeater.
"I know…I know…Have you told Seth?" He asked softly as she pulled away from him her eyes glimmering in the pale moonlight as her skin was bathed in it causing her to look pale and ashen.
"No…I only found out tonight. I think I'll tell him tomorrow he's got the day off…What if he doesn't want a kid?" She thought aloud, the idea suddenly dawning on her causing a look of horror to pass over her face. Ryan looked into her eyes arranging his face into what he hoped was a re-assuring expression but was sure had probably come out as more a grimace.
"It's Seth we're talking about here, he loves kids and you know he's dying for you to start trying again. He'll be so happy when you tell him trust me, he'll be there for you the whole way and when you tell him you'll feel so much better. I know him Summer, he'll be a great dad. You can see that from what he's like with Ellie…excluding the letting her watch the exorcist and telling her ghost stories but he just does that because he thinks it's fun to keep me up all night. I wouldn't worry…" He added seeing the slightly worried expression on Summer's face.
"You know he wouldn't dare do it you…with the whole Rage Blackouts thing." He said with a slight smile. Summer smiled back feeling a lot better. Maybe Ryan was right…Seth had always been there for her before why would he suddenly change now. She wiped her eyes on the back of her hand and kissed Ryan on both cheeks.
"You're right…thanks Ryan. I'll tell him tomorrow…and maybe if we go to the doctor's he'll say it'll be alright this time. I'll see you tomorrow morning." She said smiling warmly, her face still streaked with wet tear traces. Ryan smiled back
"No problem…I'll see you tomorrow, I think I'll be working from home with the night I've had." He said stifling a huge yawn. Summer headed towards the door, as her hand rested on the handle she turned around to face Ryan who was still sat on the bed.
"Oh and By the way Ryan…Try and go easy on Marissa, she really is sorry and I think she's suffered enough." She said softly. Ryan looked up his heart hammering…she had heard the argument. He knew she was right but it was just so hard to act like everything was normal with her and just pretend to be best friends as much as he wanted to. He nodded weakly trying to figure out how to make it up to Marissa for how harsh he had been…he should go easy on her, it had been four years.
"I know…thanks Sum." He said as she left the room silently.
Seth bounded into the kitchen happily to find Summer sitting at the table pulling the crusts off a piece of toast and nibbling on it as she read the latest edition of Vogue. He leant over her shoulder and kissed her on the cheek, smiling cheerfully.
"Morning gorgeous!" He said picking up the coffee pot and reaching into the cupboard for his favourite 'drink me' mug. Even though Summer's stomach was churning with nerves and anticipation she couldn't help but smile.
"Why are you in such a good mood?" She asked chewing on her toast and smiling as she watched him take a large gulp of his coffee and walk over. He slid into a chair next to her and pulled a piece of toast from her hand and popped it into his mouth.
"A little thing called…The day the office is getting remodelled meaning No work for Seth Cohen!" He said leaning back in his chair. Summer watched Ryan walk past the kitchen door and he winked at her and smiled, she smiled weakly back and turned to Seth. Her heart was hammering and her stomach felt like it was tying itself in knots. At least he was in a good mood…remember what Ryan had said…He would be happy.
"Seth…I…I need to tell you something." She stammered her voice hoarse and wavering. Seth turned to face her his smile fading slightly, noting the seriousness of her tone.
"Um…sure go ahead. What is it?" He asked watching her as she looked down at her hands and then back up at him her chin trembling slightly as she fought back tears, now he was worried. What was wrong? He thought as she swallowed hard and drew her gaze up to his.
"I…I'm pregnant." She said her voice steady as she looked up at him determinedly watching as his smile faded slightly. He blinked a few times before clearing his throat and looking straight into her eyes his expression unclear. Summer gripped the table hard to stop her hands from shaking, she couldn't tell what he was thinking…he wasn't angry or upset…but he wasn't exactly jumping for joy either. Oh god…should she have told him?
Seth let the words sink in slowly struggling to believe what she was telling him. Pregnant. He watched her blink back tears and felt his heart ache and a smile curl up at the corner of his lips. She looked down at her hands and felt someone tilting her face up to theirs just as Ryan had done last night. She found herself looking into Seth's smiling eyes and felt her heart melt. He grinned at her before pulling her into a tight hug and wrapping his arms around her, she curled hers around his neck and buried her head into his shoulder and breathing in the smell of his cologne. She started to cry softly.
" What are you crying for eh? Aren't you happy because I am!" He said grinning, she drew away her eyes shining as she smiled in disbelief
"W…what?" She stammered as he grinned and held her hands gently.
"I said I'm happy! We get another chance…to make it perfect this time, to start a family."
Summer felt glorious relief and happiness rush over her and she started to beam before sinking into a deep passionate kiss, she threw her arms around Seth and he almost toppled backwards of his chair. He slipped his arms around her waist and the kiss deepened before they pulled away for air both smiling.
"I love you Cohen." She whispered breathlessly.
"I Love you too…and you Cohen jnr." He said patting Summer's stomach gently, she giggled slightly
"By the way…you're so not choosing the names, I heard your suggestions for what you wanted to call Ellie when Emma was pregnant." She said wiping her eyes and lacing her finger's through Seth's. He gasped indignantly
"And what is wrong with Thor? Or Daffodil?"
Summer laughed softly and rested her head on his shoulder with a sigh.
"I can't believe we're really doing this." She said squeezing Seth's hand softly and smiling faintly. Seth sighed and stroked her hand with his thumb and nodded.
"I know…our sex life is SO over."
A/N Hoped you liked it! Remember to press that little review button!
Next Time: Ryan apologises to Marissa and Seth and Summer go to the clinic to confirm their pregnancy..