Raven
Raven's POV
TA 2907
I crouched on the ground, as far away from the centre of the gathering as I could manage. I could not remember ever feeling so miserable as now.
I could't live, I couldn't even manage to die!
And Gildor would not leave me be. Being surrounded by all these people was unsettling enough, and I felt my guard slipping time after time. I was hurting all over. And worst of all, I should not be here at all. So close…For a second, I had been so close…
This frustration was almost too much to bear. I wanted to scream, but I could not even keep myself from shaking.
I got to my feet with some effort. It was no use to stay here. The healers would be after me like blood hounds as soon as the seriously wounded were treated, and they would be aware of my state the moment they touched me. That was unacceptable. A horrible thought. Worse than going alone. Now.
I stared at my sword – Niy'ashi's sword -, still black with orc blood. I had not the courage to run myself onto it, I thought with disgust.
LeaveThat was it. Just away from the talk, the people - the fire. Now.
I pushed the wolf's awareness back with some determination. I do not want to survive, I snarled silently. Go away.
No one here had the power to command me. The battle was over. There was no reason they could still fear my treachery. There was no one left I could have betrayed them to anyway. The former rearguard was rounding the last orcs up at the moment.
I would go where I had come from. Wherever that was.
I circled the fire, forcing myself to return the smiles and acknowledge the approving comments about my fighting. I could not find the Captain, so I reported to the second in command, scratching the few bits of Sindarin I had together. I left before anyone could call me back or attempt to order me to stay.
There was no telling if stray orcs still lurked near. That was what the Silvan Elf said. I shrugged the objection off. Never mind the implications. They had never trusted me, and what was it to me, anyway?
The forest was quiet and mercifully dark. That alone merited the risk of leaving on my own. I had to get away from Gildor. Desperation reached a level I had not thought possible after Niy'ashi's death. The wolf was almost too strong. It had taken all the willpower I had left to refuse Gildor's order. It felt as if I had the wolf on a leash while he strained with all his might towards the Elda. The wolf screamed at me in helpless frustration. I gritted my teeth and walked, biting my lip as I felt the sword harness scrape over several raw places and gashes. I would not walk that far tonight.
Gildor's POV
„That's it" Sirlim wrapped a bandage around my arm and tied it "You should take some rest"
"Hm. Thank you" I quickly went in search of Caladur before Sirlim could become more insistent in his demand for me to rest. I found only Esgalmith and a group of Avari beside the fire.
"Where's Raven?" That seemed to be my favourite question these days.
They all shrugged "Thought he was with you"
I sighed in frustration "Where Is Caladur?"
"I am in charge at the moment" Esgalmith said "Caladur's gone with the scouts now. I think we got all the orcs, but you know there's no telling with this rat-folk"
"So where's Raven?"
The silvan elf gave me a puzzled glance "He left. Less than an hour ago, I think"
"He left?" I echoed "Why did you let him?"
"Because, as he pointed out, I had no authority to keep him. He asked if there was likely to be more fighting and I told him we would not go after the other orcs, that was the scout's job now, and anyway Caladur had given his orders, so he said he needed not stay. Thought you knew"
"Darn. And where did he go? Did he give you a direction?"
Esgalmith shrugged "No. He said he would go towards the hills. Told him he should not go alone, and he said something like he wasn't, so I assumed you knew where he went and were going with him"
"No. I don't leave while I am under orders! And did you have a look at him? He had quite some time in the battle. And many orcs had poisoned blades. It is mad to leave like this"
Esgalmith frowned "Calm down. He looked alright"
"I was his back-guard, remember. I know he took enough hits not to be walking happily away right now. What I mostly think is, no one in his right mind would try to travel woodland at night after a battle with orcs, alone. There -. It's not even orcs alone"
We both listened. Wolves howled, not very far away.
"This is wild country. They sometimes come here, especially in autumn or winter" Esgalmith said, but then added "You think we should send someone to look for him?"
"No" I decided quickly "I wanted to leave anyway, though not at the eve of a battle. If he goes towards the hills, that is my direction as well. Maybe I can catch up with him"
Fairё took some time to reach the makeshift resting place after I had called her. Until she arrived Caladur had come back as well.
"I don't think we let any escape" he said with satisfaction "There will be no messenger to the group in the hills"
"Raven has gone off on his own" Esgalmith said. Caladur wasn't happy "Then send someone after him!" he demanded "I don't want him tramping around the forest tonight. What about this?" he added when he saw Fairё coming up.
"You don't need to send someone. I have to go anyway if I don't want to risk getting snowed in up there" I told him "With Fairё I'm bound to catch up with him. Either to keep him from mischief or he will be glad someone takes the trouble to look by then"
Caladur shook his head "That strange guy. But good luck. I hope your trouble for him is worth it, Gildor. There are wolves around now as well. We saw them skulking around the dead orcs. If you don't find him, don't camp out on your own, come back"
"Don't worry about the wolves, Fairё can deal with that. And he won't have gone that far" I fastened my packs to her saddle and secured the knots carefully. Then I slung bow and quiver across my shoulder and cinched my sword-belt tight over that harness. In combination with damaged armour that was not comfortable, but better than going without. I left Fairё with Esgalmith and quickly said farewell to those of the clan I had come to count as friends, then took leave of Caladur. It galled me to leave in such a hurry. Fairё picked her way slowly through the dark forest and I could not hang on to my dark thoughts because I had to use all of my tracking-skills to see where Raven had gone. The track was barely visible, and it was mostly Fairё's nose that kept us on course. I was tired, and the night was getting old when we heard wolves again. Fairё flicked her ears uncomfortably. That was pretty close I readied my bow and kept an arrow ready as she continued onwards. I felt watched, and Fairё was tensed.
°Ahead° she told me suddenly °Wolves eat°
We had to pass them by anyway. So did we go the long way round or believe they would be good wolves and leave us be?
'Raven's track?'
°Ahead, too°
'Ahead! Let's have a look'
Fairё gave a low grumble and started forward. We both flinched when there was a crunch in the undergrowth and a wolf bounded across the path before us to vanish into the forest again. Fairё flattened her ears in irritation. Eventually we came out into a clearing which bordered on a small hill of jumbled blocks of rock, thickly overgrown. In the middle lay a partially eaten carcass of a deer. Three wolves were there, and they turned and growled. One of them approached threateningly, but stopped at a safe distance when Fairё whinnied and advanced, stamping her fore hooves.
No reason to anger wolves, I thought uncomfortably. We should go.
Fairё nevertheless walked towards the carcass at my bidding and indeed the wolves retreated. I cautiously got down to examine the ground of the clearing.
Where there are wolves, there is trouble. Raven's tracks were crossed by wolf tracks. That was not good at all. He had been badly wounded, and they smelled blood against the wind. But would they have attacked him?
One of the wolves lingered by the edge of the clearing. I considered shooting, but that would not have been fair as long as there was no real attack.
Was I considering wolves fair?
"Ho!" I cast a stone in its direction "Don't you even think of approaching" I muttered as I rounded the carcass, seeing Fairё move to shield my other side from attack. The grass around the deer was bloody and the smell was powerful. The eyes were not even glazed over. It was a very fresh kill. The wolves would not be happy that I kept them from it.
More tracks by the rocks. As I crouched to examine them further another wolf came out of the thicket from behind the rocks, only a few arm lengths away, growling.
'No, Fairё' I stopped her attack with a thought and snatched my bow up, aiming at the wolf 'Stay at my back'
Before I could decide whether to shoot there was a rustle in the bushes.
"Don't" Raven's voice ordered me in sharp Quenya. A moment later the dark elf appeared from his hiding. He held his sword loosely in one hand and steadied himself against the rocks with the other.
"Leave her" He looked at the wolf, and it turned to leap back into cover. Then he turned to me.
"What is that about?" I demanded "We feared you would end as wolf chow or orc bait. What the hell are you doing here? Talking to them?"
Rave shrugged "I have taken a rest"
He cast a glance at Fairё "And you talk to your horse" Another look over my shoulder, obviously checking if we were alone.
"What the hell are you doing here?" Raven flopped down on one of the protruding rocks and let go of his sword "Did Esgalmith tell on me?"
If Raven had hidden his trouble well before, he failed miserably now.
"I made Esgalmith tell" I said "What did you think, sneaking off like that? If you are the orc hunter you made us believe, you would know this is madness"
"I made no one believe anything" Raven snapped "I fought with you, and more I did not promise. Leave me be"
"Look, I have not tracked you through half Middle-earth tonight to get such a stupid answer. I give you two reasons, dark elf. One, we did not trust you and wanted to know what you were up to. Two, I know you are in no condition to travel so I followed. And now answer me. Where are you going?"
I sensed the dark elf's anger. Raven got up "What is it to you? I do not ask for any of your meddling. But I will give you two answers, master. One, you can keep not trusting me because it is nothing of my concern. I have not called any orcs on your track nor am I planning on doing so. Two, my condition is my concern, and only mine, as is my destination. And I have no special destination, by the way. I stop where they do, that is it"
Raven had got slightly out of breath with his rapid tirade. He clutched the edge of the rocks and a little reaching with empathy told me he was once more hiding fear behind anger. But the why simply escaped me.
And why did I trouble? Just why? Because I liked riddles and wanted this one solved? Because I felt obliged to offer help even when it was not wanted? I couldn't believe I had become so unselfish!
No. But I remembered what I had sensed that moment when I had touched his hand yesterday, the bleak despair he had been unable to hide. He angered me, and I could not understand his strange behaviour, but I was drawn to him.
"You were going towards the mountains, I take it" I returned "As it happens, that is our way too… In any case, I do not intend to go back, nor to go on alone. I do not talk to wolves, and there are too many here for my taste. You are saddled with us"
I could see I had Raven cornered. He was not one to fight with words and now obviously was at a loss what to reply. I had seen that look before, whenever Raven had felt overtaxed by some situation.
"We cross the pass together" I said "That is where one alone is likely to get ambushed. After that, I don't care where you are going. Is that a deal?"
Raven gave me a helpless glance, taken aback. He closed his eyes for a moment.
"Alright" he said reluctantly "Alright, damn it"
The wolves remained behind with the kill as we left. For a long while I went behind Raven silently, resting one hand on Fairё's shoulder. I felt incredibly tired but would certainly not propose a rest before Raven did. I watched Fairё's ears swivelling as we walked. It was near dawn when Raven halted finally.
°I watch° Fairё told me as I flopped down and wrapped my cloak around me. Raven glanced at me but said nothing about setting a watch. He declined the offer of a blanket and rolled up in his own tattered cloak.
He woke me in the late morning "Let's go on"
It was overcast and cold. We walked all day without stopping or talking. In the afternoon I mounted Fairё and rode for some distance. Raven refused. The land was climbing steadily upward now. We were keeping a brisk pace, and I decided to wait and see how long the stubborn dark elf would be able to keep it. There was no sign of the wolves, though we still heard them howl occasionally. Neither were there orc traces to be seen.
An early dusk came.
At times Raven seemed to walk as if in a dream, but not the tiniest sound escaped him. I could make nothing of him. He said no word, never looked at me directly, and always kept at least an arm's length distance between us. His wounds were still bleeding and there were dark patches where the thin garment was soaked.
I caught up with him as he dropped to his knees by a small stream. With a tug Raven loosened his sword harness and let it drop to the ground behind him. After drinking a little he splashed himself with water and washed out the cuts he could reach.
"We should rest somewhere" I said when he was finished and sat back on the low bank, burying his head in his hands. Fairё went down to the water and drank her fill.
Raven was watching her "Not yet" he said absently "Cave is across the pass" He raised his head and shook it in the direction uphill. When he made no move to get up I sat down a little distance from him.
"The orc blades were poisoned" I repeated
"I know. Often are"
I shook his arm lightly. Raven flinched and jerked away "Don't do that"
"You have a nice fever. And you are badly shielded"
"I have not" Raven got up and slung his sword across his back again "Let's go"
"Wait"
Raven moved on. I got to my feet and summoned whatever authority I might have to command a stranger, bolstering it with irritation.
"Stay, Raven" I snapped.
Raven stopped, his shoulders hunched. He did not turn around.
"What is up with you?" I demanded. "You flinch at every touch. You avoided the healers for that reason. Don't tell me you don't. And your shields are – tattered. That does not just happen. I have watched you. You are very careful to avoid anyone coming closer than an arm's length. What are you hiding? What are you afraid of?"
Raven turned, slowly. Despite his obvious weariness defiance radiated from him.
"Nothing you would care to find out"
He bit off every word.
"Raven"
He took a step back and I halted, not wanting to drive him back.
"Gildor, please" he said softly "I can give you nothing. Not even gratitude that you saved my life. The wisest thing you could do is go back to your people"
"My people? And what about your people!"
"And leave me be" Raven shook his head and turned away "Let's find that cave"
We rested once more towards dawn. Raven accepted some of the food I had taken with me from the clan. Towards midday we went on. A thin cold wind blew down from the mountains and steadily into our faces. Fairё walked with her head low and her ears flattened in discontent, silent as well.
"We will have crossed the highest point of the pass by midnight" Raven decided, stopping and surveying the mountain before us. He clutched his cloak around himself and walked on, one arm pressed across his chest. He was doing something, I could tell that, to draw energy from the land around us. I knew very few healers could do that, and those who could seldom did. There were lots of things connected to the land, they said, and to take energy directly from that was dangerous. Pure healing energy always came from inside the healer and was his own. Only less powerful or instinctive healers resorted to that direct method. So much for the theory. But I had never heard that it worked to supply one's own energies.
Dusk fell once more. The way was steep and soon we had to walk in single file. When we came to a wider place and stopped for a moment Fairё pushed forward °Ride° she ordered °Both of you°
I was puzzled but did not argue. Fairё was picky whom she carried, and up to now she had only twice allowed someone else than myself or Glorfindel on her back.
Raven was horrified.
"No!" he said, half backing away "Not on her. I – I can't ride at all. You go ahead"
"Certainly not. Come here, I give you a hand up. You don't need to be rider if she decides to carry you" I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him towards Faire, pointing ahead "You see that pass? Think about it if you want to lug yourself up there or have it the easy way"
Raven balked, looking as if he wanted to answer something, but he gave in after a moment. He put his hands on Fairё's back and looked up, obviously frightened by her height. He could not look over her back and had to reach far up to touch her withers. I swung myself up behind him, grateful for the additional warmth of Faire's body. Riding like this there was no way of avoiding physical contact and I felt Raven's panic mount with every step we climbed higher. Still, he said nothing and only stared ahead.
Raven's POV
There was something going on between Gildor and his horse. They were mind-speaking, but I could not fathom about what. I clung to Fairё's mane and prayed the pass would end soon. I had once sat on a trader's cart horse as it plodded comfortably along, but Fairё was anything else than a cart horse. Not only in greater height, but her back was slimmer and differently muscled. Without knowing about horses I could tell she was not for pulling or carrying loads but for speed and fighting. I could also sense her shielding herself against me. Wolves could mind-speak if they were bespoken first, but they had no shields or anything. Faire had. If she shielded against me I didn't have to shield against her, but it did little to put me at ease.
I closed my eyes and concentrated on the horse's motion. I was terrified of Gildor suddenly. I could feel his power, his strength. I clung to what shielding I had until my head hurt from focussing on it so hard. Time slurred. There was only the wind across the mountains, breaking in the cracks and around the peaks. It took a long time until I became aware that Fairё's motion had shifted. She was climbing downhill. I pried my eyes open and saw we were in a wide sloping valley, bordered on both sides by bare rock walls. At the bottom a shallow brook ran, and the path went through knee-high bushes and grass. A few scattered firs dotted the meadows and climbed up the rock walls. We had passed the highest point. This was the place we were likely to get ambushed, Gildor had said. Right. I blinked and forced myself to concentrate on the landscape. I stretched my senses and looked for any kind of disturbance. Nothing. In a way I was absurdly grateful Gildor had been such a prime nuisance to me before. The pass grew into infinity, and I knew alone I would have had to rest at least twice in this valley. With Fairё's brisk walk we would make it towards the cave before dusk. My hands were numb with cold and from clutching the wiry hairs of her mane. I felt hot, but had to try to suppress shivering. My whole body felt raw, and alternately hot and cold. I began to find Gildor's presence behind me very reassuring. Slowly, my thoughts turned into coherent lines once more. We would reach the landslide soon. In the cave, we could rest without worrying about orcs for some time. In the cave…
"Gildor" I said, suddenly realizing what had been nagging me "When we rest at the cave, there…there is a landslide…I don't think…Fairё can cross that"
"Oh" Gildor was silent for a while. I could not tell if he was talking to Fairё.
"We'll rest here first" he decided. Fairё halted and ambled down to the brook after we had dismounted. I took a stone and scratched a rough map on a flat piece of rock "This is the pass. It comes out here. That is right in the plain. The cave is here further to the south. We would cross the landslide southward then and come down the mountainside here. There is forest near the mountains. We could find cover there"
Gildor nodded thoughtfully "Seems we have to decide now how we are going on. Is it we or you and I?"
I glanced at him. Two days ago I would have said most certainly you and I without hesitation, but right now I was not so sure "I think" I said finally "We could go on, for a while at any rate. Just where we would have to decide still"
Gildor stared at the crude map on the rock.
"I remember that landslide vaguely. The pass would be the logical and safer choice. We would come down near Imladris"
"That is…your people…a lot" I stammered, lacking the Quenya words to say I could not imagine going to a place where there were stone-buildings and more people than my whole clan consisted of. Gildor had mentioned the valley, once, back with the Silvan Elves. He had counted on spending the winter there. But the notion of going there was – worse than anything I could think of. To take my course would mean to go away from the valley.
Gildor's POV
Raven and I would come into the plains near a small cottage my company shared with other wandering groups and kept stocked with wood and supplies for a few nights' rest. I could aim for that as a first shelter, and then see what Raven was going to say. But that would mean separating from Fairё.
'What do you think?' I asked when Fairё returned from her drink and started to pluck some moderately tender sprouts from the tough mountain bushes.
°I not cross boulder field° she stated °Can't. You decide°
I sighed silently. Of course I decided. Well, she was probably the only female who would not argue about my decisions 'Will you go on to Imladris, then?'
°Of course° she added an image of the stables and a bale of hay, giving a mental chuckle °I take you to edge of field, then go on°
It was early afternoon by the time we neared the end of the valley and stood before a huge field full of whitish grey boulders. The landslide had been static for a long enough time for little saplings to sprout up in some of the cracks. Between the sharp edged boulders uncounted gaps in different sizes yawned.
We had rested at dawn, but neither of us had slept. Fairё had left us at the edge of the boulder field. She had been weary, but obviously still had enough energy to speed off at a dead run after taking leave of me. I watched her pale coat disappear among the firs and boulders wistfully. Not that I needed to worry for her. She was foraging and wandering on her own whenever she was not with me, and when she stayed in or near Imladris while I was gone. She could take care of herself. I took some time rearranging my pack now that I would have to carry it myself and tried to decide how I liked this turn of things.
Raven looked at the edge of dropping dead somewhere. He had not spoken since last night. I felt bad enough myself, tired, dirty and uncomfortably aware of overstretched muscles. Mostly I wished for a hot bath.
Raven made a vague gesture across the field. "Somewhere there now"
I watched apprehensively as Raven began to make his way across the huge, jumbled rocks barefooted before I followed him. It grew darker and a drizzle began to fall. We did not seem to make any visible progress in any direction. I began to feel like some insect scrabbling across an endless space. We went in a line parallel to the mountain first before Raven started to descend. Despite a few dangerous sways he crossed the landslide without slipping once. Far down and on the other side a bare rocky hill reared up. Raven rounded its foot to a place where a small rivulet of water trickled down the rock. He stopped there, standing still for a moment before heading for a nondescript spot some distance below us. Raven inspected the large hole between three jammed boulders and nodded "This will do"
I cast a dubious glance into the blackness. The Valar knew what might be in there. Raven caught my gaze.
"It's quite big inside"
With that he crouched and slipped in head first. Unwise, if you didn't know where you were going.I had to take off my weapons first before I could follow, the other way round. Adjusting my eyes to the darkness found that Raven had been right. The cave had a comparatively smooth floor and stretched back below the blocks visible from the surface. Though the jagged boulders made for uneven sides and a low ceiling there was enough space for two to sit and sleep stretched out.
"You are sure this won't come down right on our heads any time soon?"
Raven gave another shrug "It's been here for years, it won't collapse just tonight"
I sighed and pushed my pack against the wall as a cushion.
Wonderful.
A cave
Just my dream.
9