Chapter 2

… … …

Sasuke Might Dislike This Program

-ROUTE 1, 7:00 A.M.…-

"We've been working on this all night. I can't keep up my bed-head hairstyle like this! Now use Chidori. Not Thunderbolt. Not Thundershock. Not Thunder Punch! If I hear that Pokedex say anything with thunder in its name I will destroy it! Use Chidori!" yelled Sasuke to Pikachu.

Pikachu, who had a personality strangely like Sasuke's (how opportune), got poked by a Rattata. Pikachu somehow recalled all of what it had learned and started up Chidori. It ran up the rat and ripped it apart.

"What the –beep- was that!" asked the Pokedex.

-VIRIDIAN CITY…-

"Where am I?" Sasuke asked rhetorically. How pointless.

"Viridian City, stupid," stated the Pokedex. "Look at the sign. And the heading."

Don't start up with me!"

"Why? What are you going to do?"

'You're not in much of a position to –beep- with me, you piece of shi-hey! What the heck!"

Sasuke was interrupted by the bitter old man's (who blocks the way in the first game) granddaughter hugging him.

"Let go of me!" yelled Sasuke.

"Must I?" she asked.

"YES!"

"Fine…" She let go. "But you won't be going anywhere. Grandpa hasn't had his coffee and he's grumpy."

"…So?"

"He'll get in your way!"

"I'll kill him!"

"Nooo!"

"I have to go get some Pokeballs anyway. See that he's in a better mood… or else."

-POKEMART…-

"I'd like… hmmm… ten Pokeballs," Sasuke said to the clerk.

"That'll be P1000," responded the clerk.

"Um… I don't have any money."

"Any collateral?"

"I have some rat strips! I could bread them!"

"Deal." The clerk took the meat and threw it into a hole in the floor. "Here' your food for the day!"

A voice came from the hole saying, "Thank you sir!"

"Get back to work! …Here's your purchase! Thank you."

Sasuke looked at the clerk funny and walked off, ignoring the obvious child labor laws being broken.

-NORTH VIRIDIAN…-

"Don't –beep- with me, you old geezer," Sasuke stated.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Watch your mouth, mister! Cursing is ba-"

"WHAT THE –BEEP-!" yelled Sasuke, interrupting the old man. He cursed because one of the Pokeballs had started jerking. He pressed the button and out came a pink blob with eyes.

"Ditto," said the Pokedex. "The Horny Copy Pokemon. This thing breeds with any types of Pokemon. It can only copy other Pokemon, making it a major annoyance. Wait-why am I telling you this?"

"Well that's… weird… Oh well…"

-VIRIDIAN FOREST…-

"I like bugs! And shorts!" said a little Bug Catcher.

Sasuke punched the boy in the face and muttered, "Moving on…"

-PEWTER CITY…-

"Gym? What's that! We'll see…" stated Sasuke.

-PEWTER CITY GYM…-

Sasuke was walking along when a Jr. Trainer challenged him. "Hey! You can't challenge the leader until you beat ME!" challenged the boy.

"-Beep- off, mother –beep-er," Sasuke put simply. "But if you want me to kick your –beep-, I will."

"Bring it!"

The boy threw out his Sandshrew and Sasuke was about to send out Pikachu when the Pokedex stopped him. "Wait, you idiot!" it exclaimed.

"Why?" asked Sasuke.

"Pikachu won't do any damage to Sandshrew!"

"I know that, but why are you working? I thought I turned you off!"

"Well, that's because…" A Gastly popped out of the Pokedex. It continued telepathically, "I'm a ghoooooost!"

Sasuke quickly centered and captured the Pokemon.

"Aaah… that's better! Do you know what it's like to have a ghost in your computer chip? I mean really…" the Pokedex jittered.

"No. I don't know what it's like. But I know what it's like to be antagonized by a stupid portable computer! Now SHUT UP!" exclaimed Sasuke. "Go, Gastly!"

Gastly, without order, possessed Sandshrew and made it run into one of the gym walls until it fainted. Gastly then floated back into its ball. Sasuke walked to the back of the gym to see Brock's dad.

"…Who are you?" asked Sasuke dryly.

"Well, I'm the current gym leader!" announced Brock's dad.

"That's not in the game."

"Brock's not here, you see."

"Then I'll beat you."

"…I don't have any Pokemon."

"Some gym leader you are…"

"I'll fight you personally, then!"

"…Are you sure about that?"

"Yeah, little man…"-he chugged a whole bottle of brewsky at this-"…bring it unnn!"

IF it wasn't for the whole intoxication thing, he might have stood a chance. Wait-who am I kidding? Sasuke ran up to the guy and kicked him in the stomach, causing him to fall down. Sasuke them jumped in the air, flipped, and slammed his foot on Brock's dad's neck, demanding the badge. Brock's dad threw it up (with his hand, NOT with his mouth).

-PEWTER CITY MUSEUM…-

"Old amber. Now," stated Sasuke to a scientist.

"No can do, eh!" the scientist stated in a very Canadian accent.

"You could get it in the game!"

"Game-shmame! NO old amber for you, eh!"

OH yeah. BIG mistake. Sasuke turned on his Sharingan eyes and started Chidori. "Live-shmive!"

"I'll pay you!"

"…Pay me… what?"

"P50, eh!"

"…HOW MUCH!"

"…This!"

He threw Sasuke a Pokeball. Sasuke released the Pokemon and found a Magikarp. "HEY!"

The scientist started running off. Sasuke easily caught up to him and, heh, the museum has a red paint job now. And no, Sasuke didn't do community service. Well, what happened is sort of clear, so…

-MT. MOON…-

"I can't find my friends!" said a little boy.

"I'll tell you when I care," responded Sasuke.

-TWO MINUTES LATER…-

"Okay, you might as well run along because, frankly, I don't care," Sasuke said, shoving the child away.

-SKIPPING A BIT TO THE LONG HALL OF ROCKETS… NO, NOT ACTUAL ROCKETS, TEAM ROCKET MEMBERS…-

"We are good at scheming…" said a male Rocket.

"And now we're double-teaming!" said a female Rocket.

"Would you just SHUT UP!" asked Sasuke.

"Team Rocket's engines are rattling!"

"We'll take your Pokemon after battling!"

"I'm serious. Shut the –BEEP- up while you're still ahead.

"Go Gastly!"

"Go Grimer!"

"Hmph. Go, er, yellow thingy, and go, um… -beep-ed up thing!" Our came Pikachu and Ditto. "PINK! What is this thing! I don't want a sissy wimp like that!"

"We'll take it then!" The male Team Rocket member started walking toward the blob when it slithered right pas him, wrapped around the Grimer, and mimicked Gaara's attack on the rain ninja in the Forest of Death. It covered the purple blob, rose into the air, and squeezed in on it, sending little drops of purple all over everywhere, including Sasuke's hair.

"This stuff feels like… my hair gel!" the raven-haired boy announced. –Cue ominous music-

"Yellow thing" was up next. It rushed at Gastly with Chidori/Thunderpunch. Then what only happened in Sasuke's nightmares happened, kind of making its label incorrect, really. Pikachu used "Chidori," but Gastly disappeared right before impact.

"What the –beep-!" Sasuke cursed.

"Ha! No physical attacks can hurt my Gast-"

Rocket Man™ was interrupted by an electrical fire in the spotlights they were using, caused by Pikachu's attack. The fire flew up, catching the flammable (obviously not really) poison in Gastly on fire, making quick work of it.

"Noooooo! My precious!" yelled the Rocket dude.

"Whine, whine, whine. 'Oh no, my Pokemon combusted due to an electrical fire,'" mocked Sasuke. "You know, that really looked better on paper."

-TEN MINUTES LATER…-

Lying on the ground was Super Nerd™, glasses shattered. Apparently, he had a sharing problem and was a nerd, and Sasuke is kind of a bully. He picked up a Helix Fossil, accidentally broke it, picked up a Rattata, accidentally broke it, and finally picked up a Dome Fossil, not breaking it. And boy, did he try!

-CERULEAN CITY…-

Sasuke, not wasting time finding out who the heck he's sending his most vital possessions to, gave Bill a miss and headed right to the gym. What he saw sickened him. A red-haired girl was crying her eyes out-you think I'm joking, don'tcha? I'm not. Well, I kind of am, but what do you expect at this point?

Through her sobbing she continuously asked into the oblivion, "Why! Why can't I be with you! Accursed fate and-"

Misty had been interrupted by Sasuke who, wanting to get her attention, hand left, and had slid back in the gym with a very Kramer-like entrance saying, "Hey, I've gotta beat you, okay?"

"Maybe later… I don't need this right now! WHY ASH WHY!"

"Come on!"

"No…"

"COME ON!"

"NO!"

"What is the problem, even!"

"Well… well…"

-FLASHBACK-

"Sure, Misty! We're happy to take you over here to paint your gym!" said Ash. "Are you sure you don't need any help?"

"No, I will get some people to help. Just pick me up in a week!" she responded.

"Okay, I'll write a sticky note to remind you to contact us if we aren't here in a week," stated Brock. He pulled out a leaflet and started trying to write… and failed.

-10 MINUTES LATER…-

"There. That will work." Brock held up a note with writing on it that would boost a kindergartener's esteem. As the group looked at him, he started weeping at his failure and ran out of the gym.

"What's wrong with Bro-"

"Shut up, Max!"

"You're hurtful, Ash!"

The rest left eventually as well, and Misty realized that she had a headache. A bad one, too. She pulled open the medicine cabinet in the kitchen of the gym and started fishing around. Many bottles were unmarked, and she simply picked up one that looked like it had aspirin in it. Unfortunately, that was not what it was.

-END FLASHBACK-

Sasuke looked at the table nearby and frowned at the contents. "Gym leader person, this is Estroven, not aspirin. And by the poorly written note, it sounds like your friends should return right about"-the Pokemon group entered, Naruto in tow-"now."

There was a general group hug among the natives to Kanto, and Naruto wanted to do the same for the Naruto group. He rushed up to Sasuke and tried to hug him, resulting in a premature swim in the gym pool. Misty turned to Sasuke and said, "Well, thanks for clearing things up for me. Let's start this battle and make it quick, so I can head off."

"Fair enough."

"Well, first off, go Crawdaunt!"

"You might as well bring the butter! Go, Claw-Rock… Thing!"

Sasuke chucked out the fossil, but it accidentally fell into the water. Suddenly, where it fell, a strange light streamed out. Why? Because…

-FLASHBACK-

Smeargle walked into the gym and peed some weird paint into the water. Bum bum bum…

-END FLASHBACK-

The light eventually dissipated and out came a… KABUTO! It scuttled out of the water.

"How about three on three?" asked Misty.

"Fine. Kabuto! Use… um…" mumbled Sasuke.

"Scratch, dumb-beep-," chimed in the Pokedex.

"Shove it, electro-crap! But, um, SCRATCH!"

Crawdaunt took practically no damage.

"What the-"

"Scratch is a Normal attack! Normal is ineffective against my part Dark Crawdaunt!" announced Misty.

"WHY YOU LITTLE-" Sasuke started choking the Pokedex Homer-style, which was more like holding the apparatus and shaking it slightly. He then proceeded to throw his Pokedex into the water.

"Heh… Go, Crawdaunt! Use Hydro Pump!" And thus ends the tale of Sir Kabuto.

"-Beep-. Go, Pikachu! Chidori!" So Pikachu used Thunderpunch, and assured Sasuke that he would be havin' gumbo tonight.

"Darn it! Go Starmie!"

"Crappy to be on a TV:Y show, doesn't it? Anyways, kill it, Pikachu!" Our yellow friend (or enemy, depending on who you talk to) used THUNDERPUNCH, not Chidori, right on Starmie's jewel, only to see that Starmie absorbed the blow. That is the word of today, children. "What. The. –BGEEP-!"

"Starmie can absorb electricity! Thunderbolt, Starmie!"

"Telepor-"

"It CaN't UsE tElEpOrT!" said the electrically misfiring Pokedex.

"Then run, Pikachu!"

Unfortunately, the Pokedex had stalled Sasuke too long and Pikachu took the full force of the shock.

"MwAhAhAhAhAhA!"

"Sonuva-beep-!"

"Get your third Pokemon out!" said Misty.

"Go, Gastly! Use Lick!"

Gastly wrapped its tongue all around Starmie, mummifying it, and then practically did the Lotus technique and sent pieces of the star's jewel around everywhere. Including Sasuke's eye.

"Sonuva-beep-!"

"Go, Kingdra!"

"Whatever. Finish it, Gastly! SHADOW BALL! NOT WHAT IT SOUNDS LIKE!" Sasuke used Gastly like a bowling ball, rolling it toward Kingdra. As it neared the dragon seahorse, it sprouted spikes and hands, causing heavy damage on impact. As Sasuke called back his Pokemon, he noticed something: what he called back was… a Haunter! "Fork over the badge, red head."

So "red head" gave Sasuke the badge, and Naruto commented, "Nothing like a good battle among friends, eh?" He then proceeded to attempt to hug Sasuke again, which led to another swim in the pool.

PKO: SAKU!

-FAILED ENDINGS FOR "DAY AFTER TOMORROW"-

-Tornadoes destroy the building, killing all the stars

-That one dude dies. I hate that guy!

-The main character launches bottle rockets and the movie is titled "The Day After October"

-All the people who died come back, saying it was all a prank, and call it "The First Day of April"

-Do the above, but have that one dude die. I hate that guy

-The whole movie is pre-apocalypse and call it the prequel to "Left Behind"

-Do the above idea with that dude being raptured onto a cloud we don't have to look at. I hate that guy!

PKO: SAKU!

The group all headed off, leaving Sasuke. Locked in. But thanks to his pimpin' ninja skillz, he got out of dat mess.

-SKIPPING A WHILE, TO VERMILLION CITY…-

Sasuke, again not wasting time, walked right into the gym, and was ambushed by Surge and his band of possible homosexuals. Sasuke shoved them, all off of him with one hand and him and Pikachu (on his shoulder) flicked them off.

"What the –beep-, you freaks!" yelled Sasuke.

"Man! You're good! Uncle Samichifukawa wants you!" said Surge, not really answering Sasuke's question.

"Come, let's battle! I only have one month here!"

"You're a good soldier. So when you die next month, you'll have lived a good life!"

"…Wha? I'm not dying, you idiot! I'm just leaving!"

"But Uncle Samichifu-"

"…I'm a ninja, you dumb-beep-. Now let's battle! Two on two!"

"Sho hyou awe vwun uf doshe pfssies vat hangsh hout wif Koga, eh?" asked Surge, who then proceeded to spit out the marshmallows in his mouth. "Fine. But just remember how you let down Uncle-"

"Aaaand I don't care. Go, Ditto and Pikachu!"

"Raichu and Electrode!"

"HeY wHy DoN't YoU-"

"Shove it, Pokedex!" Sasuke threw the electronic device into an electrical field only to hear:

"Ahhhh, much better! Thanks for fixing me, dumb-beep-!"

"Curses!"

"Electrode! EXP-"

"Ditto, Transform! Copy the attack!"

"-LOSION!"

"OKAY! ONE ON ONE BATTLE…!" a charred Sasuke announced to an equally described Lt. Surge. "Chidori!"

So Pikachu used THUNDERPUNCH and dealt a serious blow to its evolved opponent.

"Quick! Electro-Static!"

Raichu balled its hand into a fist and started rubbing on Pikachu's head causing its hair to stand up.

"HAHAHA!" laughed Surge, mockingly.

"What? My Pikachu just got a noogie…"

"HA! It'll take days to comb that back to its previous position! HAHAHAHA-wha?"

Through Surge's speech, Pikachu had dealt the final blow, winning the battle.

"Fork over the badge, you freak," commanded Sasuke.

"No! You cheated!"

Sasuke started up Chidori. "Let's not be making such quick accusations… Give me the badge, see…"

"Oh, um, f-fine! But just remember how you let down Unc-"

"NO! GIVE ME THE BADGE!"

Surge gave Sasuke the badge and moped off, venting by punching someone from the questionable squad.

-OKAY, LET'S SKIP A FEW CHEAP JOKES AND GET TO SOME MORE IN LAVENDER TOWN…-

"DON'T TOUCH ME, OLD MAN!" yelled Sasuke to Mr. Fuji.

"I'm PoSsEsSeD!" responded Fuji.

"Go, Haunter! Sort this thing out!"

Haunter ignored Sasuke and possessed Fuji along with the other ghost, proceeding to make Fuji do the worm. Soon after, he yelled, "Ow, My BaCk!" in pain. Soon the possessing left the possessed. The original possessing Pokemon turned out to be the spirit of the Marowak. Its body was lying not far away. We can only hope that possession is not spread like AIDS, for we also don't want to think of kind old Fuji as one who has necrophilia. But it would explain a few things…

"Nice! Haunter, use Lick!"

Listening to Sasuke's command this time, Haunter shot out its tongue and gave Marowak a… heehee… TONGUE LASHING! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH-I'm done. Anyways, Sasuke quickly threw a Pokeball at the Marowak, only to get ripped off, very much like what happens in the game. Sasuke kept attempting to catch that bone-head, but to no avail. Then he yelled in frustration so loud that all the air he emitted sent the spirit flying back into its body. He threw one last ball and caught the Pokemon.

-LATER, CELADON CITY…-

Sasuke frowned. This gym was filled with girls and he had to be in it to get a badge. 'Now or never' thought Sasuke. He ran up to the door, tripped, got back up, and entered the gym.

"What are you doing here?" asked one of Erika's assistants.

"Coming to get a badge," responded Sasuke.

"I only fight and give badges to girls," said Erika herself.

"Wha-why? Are you a lesbian or something?" What he didn't voice was the question, "Where's Neji when you need him?"

"NO! I'm just shy and don't respond well to people of the opposite gender!"

"…Heh… You keep telling yourself that… now come on! Fight me!"

"NO! Girls, take him away!"

"I WILL NOT BE MOV-"

Sasuke was taken away, kicking and screaming.

-CELADON DEPARTMENT STORE…-

"GENIUS! I'll dress like a girl! Keep your friends close but your enemies closer!" Flawed plan #542! Good think it was a rip-off of another idea. Those always work!

As Sasuke let down his hair, thousands of fan girls had an aneurism, stroke, heart attack, or a mixture of all three at once. Sasuke disgustedly applied the proper makeup and headed back to the gym.

-THE GYM LOLZ BFF…-

"Well, hello there. What's your name?" asked Erika in a sweet voice.

"Sasuke…ena! Sasukena!" responded Sasuke.

"Why are you here?"

"To get a badge!"

"Well, okay, then."

"Just like that?"

"Yes! What did you think I was going to do?"

"Inquire about if he's really a girl, 'cause he's not!" announced the Pokedex.

"SHOVE IT!" Sasuke…ena's voice deepened to Sasuke's voice. He quickly changed back his pitch and added, "Silly, stupid, soon to be scrap metal –beep-ing Pokedex! You're not going to believe this piece of garbage, are you?"

"Of course not!" She walked up and threw the Pokedex at the wall. As she was standing next to him, he caught a whiff of her perfume. He realized that there were only three people who had that particular scent: Sakura, Itachi (LONG, LONG, LONG, sorta kinky story), and his could-have-been second cousin. You see, her dad (Sasuke's would-be uncle) married Sasuke's dad's BIG sister (no, not size, she was twelve years older than him) and they had one son. Unfortunately, Sasuke's aunt was killed by a very sharp object-thrown by Orochimaru-leaving Sasuke's could-have-been uncle and first cousin. Eventually, his cousin got married and the cousin's wife had Erika one day after Sasuke was born. He had met her at the family barbecue a few days after Itachi's massacre. Unfortunately, Sasuke's dad was in charge of getting the food, so it was more like an outing for five at Applebee's. Sasuke, unlike Neji, didn't have a romantic first impression of his distant relative; he found her dense and unobservant… like Naruto! But first impressions aren't always correct, and Sasuke found out that she wasn't dense (he didn't retract his other opinion). Sasuke would keep his cool and tell her after he won. She continued, "No boy has ever dressed up as a girl to enter my gym!"

"…What about that Ash kid?" asked one girl.

"That was just a girl dressed as a boy dressed as a girl!"

"…Keep telling yourself that…"

"Let's make this a two on two fight!"

"Fine," said Sasuke, responding to Erika's challenge. "You're going down, cousin!"

"Cousin?"

"…You know, like 'cuz,' except I like speaking correctly… uh, heh heh…"

"…Oh. Go, Victreebell and Vileplume!"

"Go, Haunter and Ditto! Haunter, Shadow Ball!"

Haunter molded its ectoplasm into a ball and Sasuke bowled it toward Victreebell. Unfortunately, Victreebell dozed off and was lying down, making its leaf a sort of ramp, sending the ball flying right back at Haunter. Haunter was sent flying right into one of Erika's Pokeballs. It left the ball almost immediately, but it came out as a Gengar (since it was "traded"). Seeing his chance, Sasuke ordered Gengar to hit Victreebell with Vileplume. It did so, KO'ing Vileplume instantly, but only waking up Victreebell. Not a morning Pokemon, or a day, noon, afternoon, evening, nor night, Victreebell reared up and chomped down on Gengar, much like James' ex-Victreebell did to him. Ditto transformed into a Victreebell and chomped down on Victreebell in a futile attempt to hurt it; it only made matters worse for Gengar; it eventually popped into ectoplasm and went back into its Pokeball. Sasuke eventually produced a mini-magnifying glass. He leaned the hand holding the glass against his cheek and set it at an angle so it magnified the sunlight from the window and directed it at the real Victreebell. After a few minutes Victreebell caught fire. Ditto transformed back and jumped off of Victreebell. Because of its high flammability, Victreebell exploded into flames; the fire only stopped when there was nothing left to burn.

"She cheated!" accused one girl.

"No she didn't! That's an official Pokemon League cheating magnifying glass! Here, take the badge!" said Erika.

As soon as Sasuke got the badge, he revealed his true identity and said, "Hello, could-have-been second cousin! Remember me?"

"Like, omigosh! IS that you, Sasuke-kun! We like, totally have to go shopping together!"

BUM BUM BUM! You homeless jerk! Gimme back my dollar! …Oh. What will become of our Sasuke? Iunno…

To be continued in Chapter 3,

"… … …

Sasuke Might Dislike This Program

Part 2"