For the Knowing

Glorfindel's POV

around Third Age 2950

Imladris

The sky above the cliff-walls this morning was hazy, and the sun had a pearly look. It looked like rain, and once rain-clouds had gathered here, they tended to hang over the valley for a considerable time. I wanted a walk and left the library quickly before anyone could get a hold on me again, making for the great door. At the corner I bumped into Gildor, who, taking the less used route from his and Raven's rooms, came bounding down the winding stairway towards the arcades and rounded the corner at the bottom with equal momentum.

"Umpfh. Oh – Glorfindel, I'm sorry" Gildor gasped.

"I see you have not lost any of your impetus" I laughed, righting the stature we had dislodged by our collision.

"I did not mean to prove it so…determinedly" Gildor said, colouring slightly, uncharacteristically. I was being knowingly ambiguous, but, I thought, I had learned from the best.

"I suppose you need some force when you are dealing with Raven" I gave the stature a last nudge with my foot and grinned when Gildor glared at me.

"We are not-"

"I know, and I would change it if I could"

"Don't you dare match-making" Gildor warned, but I only laughed "Walk with me" I invited him "I assume that is what you were planning to do"

"Yes" Gildor confirmed uneasily "If I am any good at weather-judging this will be my last chance for a while if I don't want to swim"

We slowly made for the back-gardens from where the paths leading away from the houses could be reached. I cut the walk along the terrace short by vaulting the low stone-ceiling and threading a way through the flower-beds. Then I waited for Gildor to walk the long way round. "You can afford to anger the gardeners alright, but for my part I rather wish to avoid that. I can imagine better things than having to make amends by weeding the beds" he said with a grimace when he reached me.

"Where's your shadow?" I asked when we reached the broader path and could walk side by side.

"There" Gildor replied blandly, pointing at the ground.

I growled "Don't start getting bitchy"

"Bitchy?" Gildor raised his eyebrows "I should think there are some biological prerequisites to that which I most certainly don't fulfil"

"Where is Raven?" I repeated with an amused sigh.

"Stables"

"You're not helping him?"

"It's my turn tomorrow. I appreciate one day when I do not smell like a horse myself"

"You signed yourself up"

Gildor snorted "Of course. What else do you think? That I'd start making trading-lists?"

"Why not?"

"Because Imladris would end up in purest chaos?"

"Oh come on. You coordinate your own company alright"

"That is definitely something different"

"So? I wonder"

"Stop trying to get me into trouble, Glorfindel. Raven is good enough at that. At least now Fairё keeps an eye on him – I suppose he'll think twice before riling her"

"Fairё!" I glanced aside at him "She's in love with Asfaloth"

Gildor snorted with laughter "Did she also tell you he is – huge?"

"No" I laughed as well "You know that mare of yours has a rather dirty ambiguity. Must have rubbed off from her rider"

Gildor grinned "I like it"

"What, Asfaloth's –?"

Gildor snarled "Glorfindel, I should think your time is too precious to waste it on bantering with me"

I frowned at him "My time is my own. I am not part of the council-room furniture, you know?"

"You don't have talking about my horse's love-life on your mind. And you had better not try discussing mine"

Nonexistent one. I smiled slightly "I know better than to try and discuss. But now that I have you here I can I just as well try. I want you to stop behaving like I am going to blow up any moment or turn into thin air"

Gildor did not appear to like this turn of the conversation "I am not -"

"You are. You have not been so…extreme before you brought Raven here. It is bad enough half of Rivendell thinks I am special or a wraith. I can't afford having my friend fall prey to the same silliness"

"Oh" Gildor said archly "And of course you are not. Just any Elf could be what you are…have become-" he broke off.

"Yes" I snapped "Anyone could have been had they been in my place!"

Gildor looked as if he could not decide between amusement or offence "I should very well know they couldn't. Have you looked into a mirror lately, Glorfindel? You shout 'power' to anyone who has command of two eyeballs and a little sense"

I stopped and Gildor marched past me a step and had to turn around.

"It was you who went forward back then" he said "Not anyone of the captains, not me. You!"

"And is that a reason to treat me like a ghost?" I demanded "I am here"

"I am not-"

"You're saying that quite a lot lately"

"What else do you expect of me?"

"That's not a fair question"

Gildor snarled "Damn. Do you have any idea what effect you have on people? I mean…people who have known you before?"

"No" I said "Enlighten me"

Gildor spread his arms in frustration "Flames, what do want to hear?"

"What do you want to say? There are not exactly people leftwho have 'known me before'" I pointed out, leaning back against a tree "You are about the only one"

Gildor plopped down on a stone marking the path and stuck his knuckles into his eyes "Look, I know I am not what and who I used to be" I said after a while "There is so much…distance between me and what is going on – I am not here for myself, I am here because I was asked to return. For a purpose"

"I know" Gildor said finally "But that is the answer. You are…how absurd I can only describe you with dark-elven terms! Raven's people called us vach'khan, Glorfindel. They say we have 'power. Whatever kind that is. Do you see you feel to me like I must have seemed to Raven?"

I watched him thoughtfully for a moment "You fear me? Gildor, you of all the world should know better. You know me"

"I used to know you" Gildor said quietly "But now it is…you are not of Middle Earth any longer-"

"Neither are you. Neither were you ever"

Gildor shook his head "No. But not that way. You are…. Look, I just can't see you as the one who used to be my lover before a Balrog got in the way – I could deal with that as do you. But now…I'm doing my best not to imitate Raven and show a clean pair of feet like he does whenever Elrond turns up. If I were a wolf I would say you make my hackles rise sometimes"

I quickly seized the chance to turn into that direction "And yet Raven is with you"

"He has little choice" Gildor said darkly "There is no one else he trusts. Or wants to"

"He has no choice?" I echoed "He has all the choices of the world. He chooses to stay with you. What happened to make you think of yourself only as a placeholder?"

Gildor returned my gaze icily "You are telling me how I see myself? Again?"

I shook my head "I know we need not discuss the past, because it is out of reach and out of change. But the present is in our hands still. If we have nothing to clear, why don't you let things return to normal? At least with us. And now answer me!" I added when Gildor looked away.

"I can hardly start acting as if nothing had happened!" he snapped "Even Elrond and Galadriel will treat you with respect. I can't go on calling you stupid peacock! My list of errors is long enough"

"You can't?" I demanded angrily "You called Gil-Galad a fool to his face. Since when do you care in any way for appearances? And what the hell is this about errors?"

I watched him, wondering what was going on in his mind and failing. To say it had to do with Mandos was pointless. Of course it had to do with Mandos. But we had been over that years ago. What made Gildor so uncertain now? He had become more reserved even than when we first met after my return. When we had marched from Valinor everyone had had more or less valid reasons. Gildor and Silmarusse had tried to escape the displeasure of their families and the confines of Valinorean law. Both had been lone wolves then, always managing to quietly outlaw themselves without being openly outrageous. I had taken what had seemed like a chance to me to save the peace in our family. Had I not, it would have been a question of time until I had found myself in the same position as Gildor and Silmarusse.

After Silmarusse's death Gildor had, if anything, gone to new extremes, living in the wild and taking his own revenge on the Orcs until something – whatever that was – moved him to join the groups slowly drifting towards the White City. And when he found himself once more on his own after Gondolin's fall he had gone with the Wild Elves. And stayed with them longer than the White City had ever stood. Though he never really broke with Eldarin ways and dropped out of our history as Raven's father had done, Gildor had effectively been gone out of mind or memory for ages. He had popped up for the long years of the Alliance, and the Long Winter had driven him to seek refuge in the valley with his rhevain friends, but it was only since it had become clear that Sauron had arisen again that he could be counted as an inhabitant of Imladris. All other events in the time between had effectively passed him but for hearsay. He always drifted about the fringes without getting into the thick of things – or rather, allowing himself to be drawn into them. He never stayed anywhere long enough to attract trouble. Or friends. Even for those of his Wandering Company he was primarily the leader, and kept them at a distance. If there were people he would call friends, they were rhevain. And of them I knew hardly more than their names.

"Silverleaf?" I probed "Is it…the thing with him that makes you hesitate now?"

Gildor snorted but said nothing.

"You…would be with him if those orcs had not got in the way. And now you can't give Raven what you would have given him?"

"Sometimes I rue that I told you that" Gildor said darkly.

I grinned "Too late"

"We agreed to…not wait for each other" Gildor said softly after a long while. I watched him for some time but he did not look at me.

"If neither of you takes the first step you will prowl around each other for ever" I pointed out quietly.

"Forget it" Gildor said abruptly "I am trying, alright"

"Try harder" I suggested with a sigh "I keep thinking it is my fault – is it?" I asked sharply when Gildor looked at me thoughtfully.

"I keep making a mess of things, don't I?" Gildor asked quietly "Flames of hell, Glorfindel, how could it be your fault! It has…I don't know"

I sat down beside him. There was a slight gust of wind, rustling in the trees and smelling of rain.

"You have spent an awful longer time here than I, you know?" I said after a while "You are…have become…no less strange to me than I may seem to you"

Gildor blinked "I have hardly gained anything useful in that time except trouble. You can't deny that"

"I can and I do. It is only a matter of difference. But this is not about power or wisdom or titles. It is about you and me. And it is about Raven, at least in your case. And I assume he would do anything for you if you gave him a chance"

"Glorfindel, please leave-"

"No, I am not going to 'leave him out of this'" I interrupted him "Why do you make it so difficult for him? You want him with you, but you keep him at arm's length"

"He stays at arm's length!"

"Because you don't give him a clue. I have said this before, and you told me he would not cherish the idea. But why else should he stay? Not only because there is 'no one else he trusts'"

Gildor hissed in irritation "We would…we will…have to part in the end. It is…useless to tie something we know that cannot last"

"So? Do you say so, or Raven?"

"It was a…a two-sided agreement"

"And neither of you is happy with it. Gildor, you are not"

"No I'm not. But to Mordor with that. I have made mistakes enough! Glorfindel, can't you return to the original topic?"

I scratched at the rough surface of our stone-seat "Curse the old rock-head. Why don't you at least give your wolf a chance!"

"We were talking about the stables"

"Gildor, you make one want to bang the head against the wall. How does Raven stand it!"

"Raven sometimes makes you want to bang his head against the wall"

"Alright" I got up and held out my hand to pull Gildor to his feet after a moment "Alright, I give up. Let us walk, I think we will have some time still before it gets uncomfortable out here"

The rain came swifter than we had expected, and we fled inside from the terrace path when the downpour started. We had just reached the doors when Raven came across the yard from the stables, walking slowly with his head bowed against the wind.

"Hey" Gildor stopped him before the dark elf marched into us "You were supposed to clean out, not to roll in the hay"

Raven jerked out of his thoughts and narrowed his eyes as Gildor plucked a handful of straws out of his hair "Ask your horse. No, better, tell her I'll jump her box next time if she don't behave herself"

"She didn't kick you - ?" Gildor frowned. There was no telling what Faire would do if she was riled, I knew.

"Heavens, no" Raven laughed "What is it? I can't fool you so easily usually. And I didn't even want to right now. It's just a difference if you shove a horse or a horse shoves you"

Gildor shook his head "Let's go eat something"

Raven followed us into the great hall and we helped ourselves to hot food. I continued to try and draw Gildor out of his reserve, but so far I succeeded only moderately. He was cunning enough to avoid any obvious and less obvious traps I laid for him without looking as if he did forge evasive answers. And Raven diligently remained outside our conversation. I would have loved to know if Raven knew that we had been lovers once. He and Gildor were definitely dancing around each other like wolves circling a burning bush. I watched their reactions carefully. Gildor let little of his uncertainty show in his interaction with Raven – no wonder the dark elf did not approach him. He seemed to have his hands full countering Gildor on verbal terms.

When we walked up to our rooms some time after dark, the cook hailed Gildor, and he went to answer the call. Pheasants again, I was sure. It was usually Gildor who went stalking them in the plains beyond the Rim. I seized my opportunity to hold Raven back.

"You know very well when not to say a thing" I observed with dry amusement. The last time I had spoken to him alone he had been furred and fanged. I tried to keep that in mind, tried to see both him and the wolf-shadow about him.

Raven shrugged uneasily "I know when I had better not make things worse by adding some foolishness of mine, you had rather say"

I laughed softly "You give yourself too little credit. I would not call you a fool"

"That's because I have been careful not make one of myself yet, I hope" Raven smiled "The Ashi'kha would deal with these things differently, and I do not wish to give Gildor's defence a crack by adding some comment of mine"

I watched him thoughtfully "Gildor did not tell you that"

"No. Faire did. She called it blapped. But I think she owed me a favour anyway"

Now this was interesting. "Then give me a clue, Raven. You're a changewolf, and Gildor does not act as if you were some half-demon! I cannot have become worse than that, can I?"

"Oh" Raven stared at the patterned tiles for a moment.

"Do you know what you feel like to him?" he asked me after a moment.

"Vach'khan" The word felt strange as I spoke it "That is what he said"

"Vach'khan?" Raven looked startled.

"He said if he were wolf I'd sometimes make his hackles rise" I confirmed with a weak smile "And I assume you know what it takes to raise his hackles"

Raven smiled briefly "I suppose that always depends. Yes. But vach'khan – 'power-holding' is only the simple translation of the term. Gildor knows the extended meaning of that, I think…the ritual code defines it as 'terrible power and 'binding power'…it means, the power can be used. As a force, too. Vach'khan things can be...both good and bad. The word can also mean 'untouchable'. If...he used that word, he was not intending it to be an image"

Raven hesitated, but went on "He knew you so well before. That is why you seem…even more changed, even more…vach'khan. To those who have never seen you before, the difference simply cannot be so striking and forbidding as for him"

"Forbidding?" I tried to find a balance between knowing Raven as a wolf and his utterly unwolfish assessment of the situation "Is that how I seem to him? Forbidding?"

Raven winced "I cannot account for Gildor's feelings, and I won't. I can only tell you he knows the full scope of vach'khan and he will have meant it when he said so. Anything else, I guess"

I looked at Raven speculatively "I know you fear me though you hide it very well. And you are terrified of Elrond. But even you are not…not like Gildor around me. Why?"

Raven closed his eyes briefly"Your power is different"

"What! Raven, please be more elaborate, you are starting dithering like Gildor"

"There is a line between Elrond and the power he has" Raven said carefully "He can choose to apply it or not. In what way he will use it I cannot say before he does so – and that is the real danger the wolf feels. What makes my hackles rise, if you will.

That is the principle of vach'khan - Elrond holds power. But you are power"

I held my breath for a moment. Could it be that centuries after my return only a Dark Elf could really tell me what had quite a number of people so absurdly in awe of me? That would indeed be…a reason for a very good laugh. I had heard many learned explanations and descriptions of envinyata, but this…beat them all. It was so…simple.

And the simplest things always turned out to be those with the greatest impact. I let the breath out I had been holding "Oh" I said lamely.

Raven gave me a wry smile "If you want to know what makes you and your power so much different from Elrond's then for me it is this…your power is your own wholly. The wolf tells me you cannot turn it to hurt"

"And Elrond can?"

Raven shrugged once more "It feels like that to me. And the wolf warns me so. If that is true, I cannot say. Gildor, I take it, would see it the other way round"

"Oh, my. That certainly poses a complication" I stared across the hallway for a moment before turning back to Raven "I don't ask you to account for Gildor's feelings, but I don't suppose your people have a way of making vach'khan more approachable?"

"If so, I do not know it" Raven said finally. He looked at me straight for the first time "My people would say Kor eshir yo khai shach'thor. From the shadow, all light is blinding bright"

That had several sides. I assumed he was referring as much to himself and Gildor as to Gildor and me. I had no time to find an answer, because Gildor half left half fled the kitchen. Behind him something crashed to the floor, and we heard Laicando the cook roar. Gildor waited in the door for the noise to subside "Ten?" he mouthed at Laicando who remained invisible. Another crash, this time accompanied by a metallic clong.

"Ten" Laicando shouted. Gildor shut the door hastily and grinned as he came over to us "They are putting up new shelves. Try to"

I winced "He wants pheasants again?"

"Yes. What do you say, wolf?" Gildor turned to Raven "Care for hunting when that clears up out there?"

Raven nodded "Yes. Where?"

Gildor shrugged "Eregion plains. Near the ruins, there are always pheasants. They shelter there all year round, especially now when they have young"

"How can you bear going back there over and over again?" I asked curiously.

"The plains?"

He was intentionally misreading me "The ruins" I said.

Gildor sighed "Why shouldn't I? It's gone, it's over, they're just ruins, empty and dead. If you are talking about Ost-in-Edhil. If I've learned one thing from Raven it's that ruins are just stones crawling with insects, lizards and mosses"

I glanced at Raven "Really?"

Raven gave a small smile "I phrased it differently, but that comes close. Shadows of memory hold little power for the wolf alone. Though he is aware of friendly and malign memories"

"Don't you go there with the Rhevain sometimes?" I asked Gildor.

"Scavenging, yes"

"Damn, Gildor" I said in exasperation "Stop expecting me to echo Elrond all the time. He can't accept that you do, and that's that, but I was just asking"

"Well, what do you want?" he shot back "You ask me to treat you as if you weren't a ghost and if I do, it's not right either"

I had to laugh "That's better. But I still wasn't going to accuse of that, scavenging"

"We weren't there for quite a while now"

We stood around in the dark, cool hall "What're you doing now?" I asked "Except throwing niceties at each other? Care for some sparring?"

"After dinner!" Gildor said with mock horror.

I glanced at his companion "What about you, Raven? I daresay there's enough I could learn from you"

He seemed taken aback a little but caught himself "Well, after a meal the wolf usually sleeps. I am not a good teacher, but we can try"

"You can do with some dirty tricks" Gildor said "You are fighting far too fair, you know?"

I grinned "Do you care for a test?"

"Well then, yes. You go ahead, I fetch the blades"

He was off, and I led Raven to the inside sparring area. The covered space was large enough to be used for training on horseback as well sometimes, and the floor was strewn with sand and sawdust. Three small rooms led off to one side, one for the weapon-master, one held an assortment of training weapons and armour, the third additional horse-gear.

"What's he doing?" I asked "We've got enough swords here to choose from"

Raven shrugged "What's the use if you don't train with your own first?"

"Well, maybe that I get only a swollen finger instead of losing half my hand if one swing goes astray? Our blades are sharp"

"I can pull my strikes quite well. We always do"

"The last time I saw you two at it you didn't" I said.

Raven laughed softly "By now he knows most of my moves that we don't have to hold back so much anymore"

Gildor returned with all our three blades a short while later. I caught mine as he cast it and glanced at Raven's sword. It was strange to see Anguirel here, as if time had turned back on itself. He handled the blade easily, unaware of the soft humming of power I could feel emanating from it. I would not have touched that sword any more than that he would have touched Vilya. But unlike Vilya's, I would not trust Anguirel's latent power, whatever it was. For a moment, I felt quite uncertain as to facing this blade, even if we were only sparring.

"You two first" I said with a small grin "I want to know what I am in for"

Gildor shook his head, his snappish mood gone as he took a place opposite Raven. No matter his spring-bear temper, he was always perfectly controlled when weapons were involved. An ability I had always admired in him.

"I already had a handful of years to train with Raven" he cautioned.

I shrugged "I did not yet have a chance to see Raven's fighting style close up. I think myself at least half-familiar still with yours"

Gildor shook his head "There are centuries between now and the last time we sparred – don't expect too many half-familiarities now"

Somehow we had never sparred since my return. He was right, as I saw when he and Raven stopped their warm-up sparring and got down to business. Gildor had never used a shield in real battle and generally made up for that lack of protection with his swiftness. With Raven he had found his match in speed, but he had also changed his way of fighting in general. Even when not using a second sword or dagger he had always been careful to keep a neat defence. He gave ground rather than risk that defence to be breached. Especially when fighting larger or heavier enemies he had used speed and retreat to wear them out and defeat them. Now he concentrated on attacking, moving forward relentlessly. That sacrificed not only his immaculate defence but also most of the tiny, deliberate motions that were usually trained in sparring. He and Raven were not sparring so much as really fighting. The only difference was that they both pulled strikes that would otherwise have been deadly. Except the occasional taunt and laugh I would have guessed they were busy assassinating each other.

Raven fought similarly, but he relied on attack completely and kept up only the crudest defence. A less experienced and swift fighter than Gildor would have unintentionally hit him several times already. The dark elf blocked only swipes that would have killed or maimed, and tried to evade the rest. If that evasion would have cost him ground, he took the blow instead. It was skirmish-fighting, maybe not outright suicidal but completely unsuited to larger and longer battles. He used brute force to break through Gildor's defence, who either countered the violent attack or sidestepped it. Somehow, Raven still managed to pull his own strikes. I found it impossible to say who was at an advantage for a long while. They clashed like two bulls, neither giving ground before the other. It was an exhausting and merciless way of fighting which reminded me of Dwarves. The small sturdy Naugrim were fierce fighters, all flying axe and roaring advance. My aesthetic assessment of it did not keep me from admiring the effect. In a small fight or an ambush that strike to kill style would be absolutely on my side, also in the way of surprise. It was swift and incredibly dirty – they used stabs and feints continuously, tripping the other, twisting on the ground to swipe at shins. Gildor called a halt to it before either had lost or won. They were both sweating and out of breath already.

"You are mad" I stated emphatically when they dropped down into the sawdust beside me "Is that what you call sparring?"

"No" Gildor said happily, nursing a cut on his arm and panting "That was advanced Ashi'kha assassination practice. It took me years and years until I managed to at least hold my own against him, and longer to find a way to defeat him occasionally. And I have had years more of wielding a sword than he. He turns your whole idea of fighting head over heels. Go ahead, I want to know how long it takes you"

"At least let him catch his breath first" I said with laugh, glancing at Raven sprawled in the sawdust. Some trace of the Gildor I knew sometimes came through, but I wondered if it was only when he was unwary or relaxed enough to drop his own guard. Raven grinned, shaking himself and getting to his feet "We start quite slowly. I don't know how you fight at all, and you must base your feints on that, on your favourite motions. If you do that, you are quickest because you don't have to think which way to feint"

After a while we started out with the basic swipes, taking stock of the other's speed and skills. Raven took the defensive part first, and he countered nearly all my attacking strikes. If I had not watched the two fight before I would have far underestimated the dark elf, both for size and speed. Anguirel had a long hilt, and Raven accordingly held the blade with two hands, but he still was faster than that seemed possible. When we reversed positions, I found that I could get through much of his defence when he did not have the advantage of motion and unchecked attack. He admitted that readily when I observed it.

"I don't know about technique and fine motions. This sword is heavy for me, and I must use its weight in combination with momentum. If you get me slowed down I have a problem. So I don't bother stopping those smaller hits and try to get into the breach a hit usually gives the attacker for a moment"

After a while of getting used to each other we picked up speed and variation. Raven's style did not take defence into account, so I had to attack while he gave small instructions what I had to do when attacking him. My way of fighting was much different from Gildor's again, and I watched carefully what Raven did – or rather did not – to block my thrusts. Mercifully he did not add tripping and stabbing yet. When I became too slow for his taste, he increased the speed again by attacking me. I was going to call a halt to this session when we once more misjudged the other's intention and he ducked instead of blocking my sideways strike. I pulled most of its force but left a shallow cut on his shoulder "Flames, sorry" I gasped, straightening. I felt Raven's blade tap my leg lightly. He glanced at me, faintly puzzled, straightening as well "Pull the strikes through. You could have won"

"What?" I looked at Gildor, who grimaced "Don't tell me that he's mad, I know it"

"I won't hurt you on purpose in training"

Raven shrugged "Your choice, my fault. Remember it when out there"

I blinked at his bluntness which held nothing of the shy reluctance that I remembered from the wolf. He did not only come as lose to disrespect as any being had in the last hundred years, I could not even say how much in earnest he spoke. Out of breath myself I stared at him, but he held my gaze this time, almost challengingly. Maybe I could understand Gildor somewhat when he said he did not know where he was with Raven.

"You mean that, don't you? Pulling the strikes through? I could kill you"

"That is my problem"

"You did that on purpose?" I demanded "You knew I would give you a glancing blow but you could have severed my leg?"

Raven spread his arms "So you see that? Why don't you act on it?"

"Come here, you both" Gildor ordered. He held a cloth to Raven's shoulder when we obeyed, giving me a wry grin "Make him happy and pull some force, but not the whole strike"

"You do that?" I glanced at Gildor, who shrugged "On the whole, we manage not to hit each other at all anymore"

Anymore. That wasn't a real answer. He could be vicious, I knew. If Raven riled him enough, willingly took the risk – no. It took much, much more to break Gildor's restraint than just riling and teasing. If they fought with sharp blades and counted hits it was a two-sided decision. I glanced at the ancient Noldorin blade lying beside Gildor absently. A sword forged centuries ago, in a land forever unreachable now by bended seas. One of Feanor's earliest blades. Finest smith-work but not much in the way of adornment – the hilt was smooth and straight, wrapped with worn brown leather.

"You know" I said after a while when I could breathe normally again "I never asked how you got by that sword. Feanor was as protective of his blades as of his Silmarils"

Gildor glanced at me uncomfortably. I thought he would not answer, but finally he shrugged "We got along well for a while…he was often in the quarries…But I was too young then. Years later he…we ran into each other one night, a few days after his…speech in the city. When it was clear we would march…After the oath. I thought he would storm past me, or spit venom. He was seething with rage…But he turned back and-and asked what I was going to do. We. He knew Silmarusse from the quarries, had heard about the…ceremony in Formenos. You know I had to…give up my house's sword after the ceremony. He…gave that one to me"

I blinked. Gildor had never even mentioned that before, never. I had assumed he had obtained the blade in Hithlum, after the reunion of the Feanorians and Fingolfin's house maybe.

"Oh my" I laughed faintly "You can give one surprises"

He shrugged once more "And so it came from Valinor with me"

Valinor. He could say that name without the slightest bit of longing. My memory of that land – our land - was good, recent indeed. I had agreed to go, to leave, knowing I would go back soon. It was there, I knew it, the feel of it was fresh and glowing in my mind. What must it be like for him, I wondered, gone from it for centuries and centuries. No chance to see it, feel it, and apparently no desire to do so, to ever return. Sometimes, it was like he hid the brightness inside him, the gentleness I remembered – what light he showed, he turned into ice, a cool, transparent but unbreakable wall for all around him. It was not, I realized suddenly clearly, that he hid himself as Elrond accused him sometimes. Gildor had no need to hide, to be silent. He would talk, he would be confronted, but he would not be changed. That icy barrier hid nothing of him, but protected him effectively. He had protections. Raven, with his introvert shyness hid behind the wolf, hid behind the shadows that surrounded the strangeness he held for us. He hid in his own shadows, trying to show as little of himself as possible. Beyond that shadow, I guessed, he had little defences in the way of confidence. It was a curious twist that he would act as he did in this sparring, sacrificing defence for the sake of landing a hit. Paradox. In a way, it was a wonder that the two felt drawn to the other when they were so different. I shook my head "You are a strange pair, you know that?"

"Oh yes" Gildor said with feeling. He tossed the rag down "And don't you lie in that sawdust right now, Raven"

Raven, just preparing to recline comfortably, froze and sat up with pronounced care "Alright, alright, i'tan'ka"

"I'tan'ka?" I asked, puzzled.

Gildor sighed "Pack-leader. I wish he would stop that. Raven, you will not want to have all the dirt in that cut, that is why I said this"

I watched the two exchange an uncertain glance and sighed inwardly. Very well, this would have to play itself out either way. Light and shadow seldom got along well with each other – or they managed to produce twilight. I grimaced at my own bad metaphors. Muscles I had not known I possessed hurt and I was exhausted "I will exchange sawdust with hot water. What about you?"

They actually came with me to the bathhouses.

"What was it like in the west when you…before you came here?" Gildor said abruptly. I was glad I had just emerged from underwater and all my hair hung before my face because I nearly sputtered What?

"I mean…they say it is…a place of healing" he continued, unaware of my reaction. It seemed he could hardly form the words around his own doubts and rejection "What is there to fill those words? What can healing be except oblivion if they do not want regret after all?"

It was the first time he actually addressed Valinor by his own inclination. I took a while to think that over. "In truth" I said finally "I do not know. I do not know, because my memory is with me and…" I looked at him, at Raven. Knowing how things stood between them I could not for the life of me imagine what I should say or not say "…and so is regret for the past. The past that I lost, not for what I did. Maybe you are right that complete healing would also mean oblivion. I do not know"

"But you were there" he whispered.

"I was" I said slowly "But my memory of that time is…not complete, and I did not talk to many others who had…returned. I…agreed to come back as soon as They…proposed that to me. I would give you an answer, but I cannot"

Gildor stared down at the water "I am sorry. I should not have asked. I know it is…not allowed to speak for…envinyata either, here"

I bit my lip. Where had he got that choice bit of information? "If I had an answer, I would give it to you" I said. He nodded "I was just wondering…have they all forgotten what happens here, the…Valar?"

I wondered what he would have said instead of Valar. There was a glint of anger in his eyes, anger, I knew, at those mighty beings that had once ruled the whole world and now retreated into the west. Still, I could understand his anger.

"What would you have them do?" I asked softly "Come back here, or leave this world forever to itself?"

Gildor snorted "The latter and no mistake. But They did that already, didn't They? They could have taken their rules with them in the bargain!" I could feel how he caught himself sharply "Have they all forgotten about death?"

There were a million answers I could have given him, given him with knowledge, if not with utter certainty. I was grateful when unexpectedly Raven spoke "All except the Hawk"

"What?" we asked in unison, though with different vehemence. Gildor blinked and rubbed his face "Sorry. I…I remember. The hawk…carries the…fёar of the dead into the other world"

"So I said" Raven glanced at him uncertainly "The Ashi'kha say in that world…only the hawk will remember what death is like, but all those he has brought there will be free of that…recognition. I...don't know about…oblivion though. To us, it seemed…quite desirable, not knowing death anymore"

I knew Gildor was thinking what that might mean for Silmarusse and him, and decided I had better leave him to figure something out for himself. He would not welcome intrusion right now.

"And what is death to you? I mean…are wild things afraid of death? Not that I mean you are…" I broke off. I was not familiar enough with the relation between him and his unfurred part. Raven shook his head with a slight smile "Even Gildor feared to insult me with that. But I…my people…we do not see ourselves as different from wild things. We do not have that word, even. You see, what we call ourselves is "turns furred". There is no barrier for us as there seems to be even for you. But death…I do not know. I think…we have two words for death. One means death by…age, you might say. It does not really count for us. But that is…inevitable. I think maybe wild things do not fear that kind of death. We call it bal. It seems a known part of their lives, accepted as that. But I cannot tell you with certainty"

"But you are wolf"

"To be wholly wolf I would have to be unconscious of the fact that I am one" Raven smiled.

I had to laugh "That seems to have some merit"

"Beasts wear no masks" he agreed softly.

"What about the…other word for death?" I asked.

"Koth. Death by…killing. That sounds stupid but I have no other word for it. When you hunt, you deal death. I cannot speak for the Green Ones that are always eaten. But no beast of flesh wishes to die - to be killed, that is. No deer wishes to be wolf-prey, no wolf wishes to be shot for fur-coats. No Ashi'kha wishes to be speared by caribou-antlers. That death is feared. . Generally. If you call the Other Wind that's different. It is…I think this way of dying that will be forgotten in the Hawk's world. Because the Hawk's world is timeless bal will not be there at all. But we…that world…it is, we think, for everything that lives in this world. It is…something of a…mirror-world"

Raven had stared at the water between us all the while he spoke. Now he looked up "But yes, I am wolf, too. And I wonder what will all those do who are hunters in this world if there will be no hunters and prey in the next world. I mean, for prey-animals in this world the Hawk's must seem like…how do you say? Paradise? But I…cannot imagine. It seems awfully…boring"

I nodded silently. Strange, how even our worlds sometimes seemed to overlap. A world where nothing happened, nothing changed – even we could not live in that. We had proven it.

"When peak-boredom has been reached" Gildor said softly into the silence "you will have rebellion. I speak from knowledge"

We stared at him. Then Raven burst out laughing. Gildor joined him, and after a moment I could not hold back either. Heads turned in the other bathtubs but we laughed until our bellies hurt and we could hardly breathe anymore.

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