Shadows and Wishes

I can remember

You were no stranger

As you came to me

Dreamers walking

And in that moment

Between two worlds

I saw the furthest star

Exploding all around you

And through the journey

You spoke in silence

And you made it clear

Walk in peace now

Then you touched me

Revealing all upon your way

Inside the burning fountain of time

Gildor's POV

'Gildor'

"Gildor"

Someone was shaking me, annoyingly insistent.

"GILDOR!"

I awoke with a painful start, the dream dissolving around me. Raven I thought. What is he doing here? The city is falling -. The wolf can't be here-.

No.

I shook my head and sat up, pushing my sweat-damp hair back. Raven crouched before me, looking worried, and as alien to all I remembered about Gondolin as could be.

I shouldn't have slept

Bad idea.

Glorfindel wasn't the only one with nightmares of white cities.

Sleeping instead of seeking the dream paths.

Stupid.

Silmarussë.

I had not dreamed of her for a long time.

A very long time.

Why now, why today? The dream had been very…vivid. Though it was wrong, twisting the timeline.

She had never seen Gondolin fall. She had been slain many years before.

The city falling to bits around me was a familiar nightmare, one that held little power after all these years. The Balrog and what it implied was worse. But to find her dead body in the ruins she had never seen-.

Why dream of this at all? The ruins here were at fault. Silent and empty, Eregion was safe from the servants of the Shadow yet, but not safe from the lingering memories. How stupid did I get sleeping here, sleeping unshielded!

Raven was looking at me strangely. Something must worry him enough to break his own rules of privacy and reach out to touch me. He must have just returned from hunting, I thought, staring down at the fresh scratches on Raven's hand. Trying to catch some pheasants in the dark.

I realized I was shaking. Raven touched my face lightly. That was so uncharacteristic of him that I involuntarily raised my own hand "What-" I drew a hand over my eyes and felt cold tears "I'm alright" I murmured, rubbing my eyes.

"You tell me" Raven said half mockingly.

"Really…Did I…yell?"

"Not exactly"

I took my water-skin and splashed out some water to wash my face. The horror of the dream was still sitting cold in my stomach.

To dream of Gondolin was bad enough. To dream of her was cruel.

Glorfindel…the dream had begun far from being a nightmare. And it woke things I would rather have that remained buried. Dormant was the right word, I thought bitterly. All the more with Raven so close.

"I…have to cool down a bit"

Raven gave me a long wolvish stare but let me leave our shelter with a silent nod, not remarking on the unintended double meaning. And for sure he had caught it. I threaded my way down to the stream, passing the crumbling walls and arches framing the narrow path. We camped in a cluster of ruins that had formerly served as storage-rooms, built around the cisterns. The Dwarves had dug up an underground spring here, long ago, and the Eregion-Elves had added a channel that lead surplus water away from the great cisterns. In time, this had escaped the smooth, paved bed and become a small river. I quickly skirted the cisterns which were deep and dark pools in the night, and went down along the channel to where the river now ran in a bed it had washed out for itself. The cold night air and the icy water dispelled some of my fuzzy feeling but did nothing to relieve the desperate longing these goddamn it- memories called up. I shed my garments on the bank and cooled in the swift-flowing water until I was chilled to the bone.

Tears unnumbered-

I had better stop pitying myself. No one got through the First Age unchanged. I at least had got through unscathed.

I wrung out my hair. The braids had come undone and I worked the remaining knots out with numb fingers. Then I reached for my cloak and hung it loosely around my shoulders, hoping the cold night wind dried me before I turned into a living icicle.

I had to stop thinking of Raven. I had got it straight for so long, I mustn't even think of it now.Maybe if I sat in the cold long enough that cursed heat inside would be doused as well.

Silmarussë and I had lived with the knowledge that each battle might leave one of us stranded, just not believed it might truly happen to us. Of course not. If we had, everything would have been futile from the beginning.

And same thing afterwards, in the city. I knew how powerful simple desires could be. Curse them. They were worse than any temptation I could think of. They, and no torture or promise of wealth and power had finally broken down the traitor's pride and honour. I had lost this battle once before, after Silmarussë's death. Glorfindel had been with me then. While the White City still stood.

Maeglin had not been everybody's darling, but he had been no coward either. Glorfindel had disliked him. I wondered if today he hated him. Thanks to Eöl's son, he had taken a detour through Mandos to come to the Third Age. And things between him and me could never go back to what they were before either. And even now that he lived, Mandos lay between us.

Had I changed? Glorfindel definitely had. What could we presume to share still? Desires? Maybe. Maybe not.

But this was not the point. We had made peace with that, with the circumstances. But not with the memories. Thinking of Glorfindel made me think of Raven again. It was him who troubled me, not Glorfindel.

You know the wolf's view on same sex pairings, my mind told me. And it is only the wolf's, a tiny voice whispered traitorously. He thinks in terms of survival.

I had no desire to draw the dark elf into this, and no right. All these years we had travelled together without that coming between us. A stupid dream was the last I thought I wanted to shatter that careful reserve.

I stared at the dark rushing river and tried to force my mind clear.

I had long ago realized that I did not want to leave. I did not want to die here, did not have the courage to do that, I did not want to sail either. So I had always gone on. And I had gone on very virtuous.

It should remain that way. Curse or no curse, I did not need to make it worse than it was already.

Sometimes the wolf was so right. The easiest way. But which was that? Go to him? Stay here?

Oh, I could not deny that I loved him. Desired him. And that was precisely the reason I could not let this happen. I had the feeling that the wolf would not care, and though Raven might share the wolf's opinion that it was not natural he certainly would not defer any judgement on it.

I simply had no right to act on some stupid base desire! I thought furiously.

Virtue did not do much to ease my longing.

Time passed. The river went on in ever the same rhythm.

I jumped when I heard a rustle behind me and reached for a sword that I had left in the shelter. Wonderful. As if these lands were a garden! Eregion, and maybe especially the ruins were safe, but there was no need to chance my luck so much. I found myself facing Raven, who had stopped a safe distance from me. Hesitatingly I reached for his mind and realized he had not closed me out in order to startle me. His shields were down, and I simply had been too occupied to notice him. I groped for my own shields and realized they still were not where they were supposed to be. I had not shielded after waking. I gritted my teeth. Wary as a stag in heat.

Raven sidled down to the stream. His hair was tied back with a leather thong but hung otherwise unbraided down his back. I found myself unable to look at him.

"This is not a good idea" I said tightly when he settled himself with the comfortable ease of the wolf.

Raven tilted his head questioningly to look at me. Abruptly I turned back to the river. What did Raven know? Silmarusse- Glorfindel – he would have long since put one and one together, would he not? It was not as if Glorfindel had tried to be secretive, was it?

"You might not realize it but our…connection tells me far more than you probably wish for at the moment. It has grown much easier to read over the last few years"

I said nothing. I could say nothing "You see" Raven went on calmly "I realized in Rivendell that some suspected us to share more than just the same sleeping furs. Just that I did not join the talk does not mean I was deaf to the implications. Let them assume. Up to now, their assumptions have been wrong. You do not admit it to me or to yourself, and this is where I have always stopped before. I do not ask these questions, usually. But now tell me why. Why is this not a good idea?"

I stared at him then "You had better go. I cannot let this…happen"

I winced. Please go, leave me alone until I feel like myself again.

'I heard that. Why not? Is that not – yourself as well?'

'Maybe. Yes. But that does not give me the right to…I know well you have no desire to…'

'You don't know half enough'

Raven uncoiled like a cat "Look at me"

"No"

"Well, at least listen. You asked me a long time ago about this. I think for the moment, not for years and years to come. It is a long time ago now"

That made me turn "Are you mocking me?"

Raven gave me a look of wolvish puzzlement "My mind is open to you. Use yours"

"Sorry" I rubbed my eyes.

"Also, we were discussing cubs. I told you I would think twice about unfurred cubs"

"Just because I…cannot control myself I cannot…use you as a substitute"

"Well, you know that I am not her. That would be difficult to pretend" Raven grinned insolently.

I hissed in exasperation. In any other situation I would have laughed at the ridiculous image Raven sent accompanying the first statement.

"I'm serious!" I said desperately. This was torture. And he teased me as if this was only a day's game.

"So am I. And neither would I presume to try to replace who was between her death and now"

"I don't want to replace anyone-" I caught myself "You are goading me, curse your hide!"

Even if Raven came to me. Especially then.

"It is me then"

Smug, teasing bastard. I could have strangled him. But Raven was hiding nothing, keeping his shields down. And I knew what that generally cost him. Damn, he was certainly not playing with me. Why now? I had managed to get by without Raven noticing so long.

"Ah, but I did notice. I just kept my mouth shut"

Only a weak moment. Maybe I was just turning to the only person available. No, I knew I wasn't.

'And even if - '

'Even if! Raven, that's – dishonouring you! -'

Raven snorted. He reached out and caught my arm before I could withdraw.

"I am here" he said softly. "I make my decisions for myself. No one…'dishonours' me without my noticing. Or my assent, for that matter"

"No, and who does usually does not live to see tomorrow"

Raven bared his teeth, then grinned. "Right"

Abruptly, he was earnest again "If this is 'dishonouring' to you, I think our definitions of that are quite disparate. I love you. We have been friends for a long time. What should keep us from being lovers?"

I buried my face in my hands, cursing under my breath "I cannot, Raven, damn it, can't you see? It would not be honest"

"No?" Raven raised his eyebrows eloquently.

"Stop reading my mind!"

"Stop lying to me"

"I don't"

"No, maybe not" Raven looked at me thoughtfully "You lie to yourself"

"You had better get back to the cave, dark elf" I said with forced calm "Now, before I kill you"

Raven smirked "I could challenge you to try. Gildor, damn it. We both have our share of memories that haunt us. You…once told me not to clutch my memories of Fingal, but to make new ones. I cannot – not alone. So…we could…make new memories…for us – together"

I took a deep breath "You know exactly when it is the right time to fling my words back at me, do you?"

Raven gave me another wry grin. "No. Seems I was lucky now, though. Usually I hit the wrong pot. I mean it, Gildor. Maybe I can take your counsel now. Go along with your own.

I do not know your people's laws. I do not care for them. There's only me, and you. Who holds you back? Who has the right to bind you to somebody long dead if not you yourself do it?"

The Valar, I was going to say, but I didn't. They had cursed me and all my kin anyway.

I tried not to make rash decisions. But I did not have the strength to debate further with myself if one more digression made my situation worse or did no longer matter anyway. We had never made a formal, acknowledged bond, Silmarusse and I. My honour then. No, I was not binding myself to the dead, was I?

I felt Raven watching me. He knew that. He had known it before he ever followed me out here, not just from our unshielding right now.

"I don't care for honour" he said quietly after a while "And then, I know that is not true. Honour is pride. But this is different. We have known each other for so long now. I do not need pride as a protection any longer, not with you. And you live. Honour does not keep you alive…Gildor" Raven reached up to touch my cheek "You live. Silmarussë is gone. Glorfindel lives, but he…his path is different from yours now. You are doing what you told me not to do. Not to love ever again. Don't you realize that quite a lot has changed – with us, as well?"

I couldn't help it. I looked up sharply now "Ravens don't cross the sea, do you remember your words? I said so because in the end we will part, to spare you that…to spare us that"

"And what do you think I should do then?" Raven demanded "Love and never touch you? We have come a long way, you know. I am not going to stop here, now. At the sea is soon enough.

I will not talk against your honour, because you left me mine as long as I clutched it. But Silmarussë you said would not bind you. And Glorfindel I know does not"

I flinched "What do you know-?"

"I know what he told me" Raven said "Which is not much, but I seem lucky tonight hitting right into the black. You keep more honour by moving on than by only remembering. You have listened to the wolf before – listen to him now. Don't play dead before it is the right time"

"And if this is the right time?"

"It is not. You would not try to…get rid of me otherwise. I am not binding you to anything. If it is only this night, then it is. If it is more, we will find out tomorrow. Take your own counsel back from me. This is you. And if no one binds you - then here I am"

"Raven-" I got to my feet and walked to a tree a few feet away, thumping my fist into the bark angrily. This was wrong. This was…I wanted him so desperately. I laid my brow against the cool trunk. Raven followed me after a moment and put a hand on my shoulder until I turned to face him.

"What?" Raven demanded again "You are not keeping this back out of pride. Through all the years we shared the furs you never said a word. You pushed it all away – and I said nothing because it was your decision. Is it because of me? The wolf?"

I shook my head mutely. Could I have known he would not – reject me? No – and just like Raven wanted to avoid giving himself away, so did I.

"And what if I had not…pushed it all away, as you say? What would have happened then?"

Raven blinked "Maybe it was my fault. I should have confronted you earlier. This is not a good time to talk the past years through. But the same would have happened, probably. Only sooner, and maybe easier"

I pressed my back to the tree. I knew I would have turned and run had I been just a little less proud "There is no easy way"

"And to run is to admit defeat"

"Stop reading my mind!"

"Is that what bothers you?" Raven snapped "I don't think. If there is no easy way it is because your people make it difficult" He stalked off. He did not go far, though. I could not see him, but I sensed him. He was leaving me room to decide. And made it double hard. All after this would be my decision.

And what else did I expect? What could he do? Seduce me? So I could rest my mind on that? That it had not really been my decision? I growled. Was I turning into a villain after all?

Raven's POV

Gildor had never brought the subject up between us in earnest. Now, I was sure it had been because of our initial discussion of this. Or rather, the few things about nothing particular we had discussed. He had not understood, as time passed, that I had spoken about cubs only. The concept of pach'ysar did not exist in his world. They cherished changelessness. Things did not shift their meaning much, for one. This was not about cubs. He had applied what I had said about nok'uni to all kind of mate.

Now that I had made that clear, why did he still feel so tormented about the situation? Did he feel constrained by some of his people's curious laws again? A disadvantage when people were no longer enough busy with survival – they began to invent strange rules. I was certainly not bound by them, but if Gildor considered this to be wrong, I would not go ahead and convince him otherwise.

On the other hand, I could not ignore the immediacy of his feeling. My own feeling. He knew I loved him. He knew I had no objection to anything that might entail. Why then was he turning away? He had acted quite wisely, wolvishly before, saying he and his partner did not bind themselves by their people's law. I tried to order my churning thoughts and wondered if it was worth the bother to order. I was not good at reasoning, and the wolf had a clear path, now, as always. But the elf-part wanted to reason, and the wolf had to comply. The Ashi'kha were not many – enough to avoid inbreeding, but not all offspring survived the first year. To keep the pack alive, mating was generally retained to male and female. But to have a mate for cubs did not exclude another partner. We had not discussed what was counted out of 'generally', but by no means headed under 'wrong'. I had considered courting him. Often. Just neither of us had taken the first step, and he would not have known my people's ways of courting anyway.

I had not sensed any deeper interest except curiosity about my people behind Gildor's question. Perhaps there had not been. We had not known each other long then, and essentially had talked about Silmarussё, not about wolves. It was so long ago, the way I sensed time to pass anyway, and Gildor had never broached the topic again in any way. We had linked minds often enough since we knew each other. He had obviously concealed that aspect just as diligently from me as I had kept Joy and her - our - cubs hidden.

Ours had been as much a temporarily limited and steered union as any other wolf pair's – to produce offspring with the most suitable partner. Yes, wolves usually mated for life, but Joy had been quite aware that I would not be a permanent partner. One year, one litter of cubs, right. Which did not mean it did not bring pleasure. Yet it bound neither. As no Ashi'kha union would bind the partners forever by any law except if it was their own decision. The Ashi'kha concept of union was not heedful of gender either. If I wanted to keep the distinction between love and desire, there was little difference if a union was motivated by either. If I was honest, I felt both.

That Gildor did not know all this, did not know the principles I had acted on, if principles it might be called, I realized only now fully. I had been a fool.

I had always avoided thinking about partners in earnest, avoided the closeness a pairing brought. Between wolf and elf, I could keep desires at bay. Could simply not allow myself to feel them.

I was risking all my reserve of the last years if I went on now. As long as I did not allow myself to need someone, I was independent. And I was safe. The thought of revealing personal things to a partner with the risk of that partner leaving with the knowledge of your secrets was terrifying. And it was betraying me. I needed Gildor. I had already admitted that to him long ago. But maybe never fully to myself. I would not leave him. I was frightened that he would. And then I knew that he feared the same.

Gildor's POV

After a while I pushed myself away from the tree and followed Raven. He had gone down further along the river. The ruins were behind us, but some birches grew here now, leaving a space open between them and the river. Raven sat curled up on the grass and stared at the dark, rushing water as I had done before. I stopped at the edge of the trees. I said "Raven", but then could not trust my voice to go on. He turned at the sound. He got up and crossed the distance between us, slowly, stopping an arm's length from me.

I found myself breathless. My heart was thumping painfully. There was a line between us, as if drawn visibly in stark red ink. And we both found it hard to cross. Like the sea it was a one way path. It had lain between us years back, in the cottage, loomed behind the simple decision of travelling companions. But this was more. Much more than that.

Not in the expectation of binding each other, but in giving oneself away. With no security.

How was it that Raven would do this? I could not think straight. I could not think at all.

When I did not draw back, Raven closed the space between us. He touched my face lightly, then rested his hands on my shoulders.

'Take it off' Raven tugged at the cloak. I shook it off. I raised my own hands to touch Raven. I fumbled at his neck and freed his hair from the tight leather thong holding it back. Uncertainly, I touched the smooth, slightly curled black strands. It wasn't as if we had never touched before. We had slept side by side uncounted nights, bathed together, braided each other's hair – but never with that purpose. Never allowed more than tenderness.

Unshielding like this was reckless, I thought briefly. I could feel the wolf, not tugging somewhere at the edges, but completely there, blending with Raven's mind. Even married couples took long to reach that point. That was a silly reserve. He was Ashi'kha. We were mind-speaking like lovers since ages.It was hard enough to keep my own desire in check right now. To feel it, with this close connection, answered by wolf and Raven was almost too much. Raven pulled at the sling-knot that held his loincloth in place and let it drop to the ground. Without thinking I pulled Raven towards me and into a fierce kiss. He responded immediately, pressing his body against mine without hesitation. His quick breath tickled across my cheek. After a moment Raven pulled us both to the ground and rolled over so that I found myself half on top of him. The still thinking part of me registered that, the wolf's statement in this, knowing Raven always avoided this position at all cost and in all things. He did not even sleep on his back.

He did not falter once. He made up for his inexperience with fierce desire, alternating gentle caresses with nips that were remindful of the wolf more than anything else. And the wolf's emotions just were. No constraint, no filter of moral or reason. Raven did not bother to restrain the wolf, giving me no time to grasp any firm thought. I felt the wolf tugging at the last shreds of control I retained. I fought it back. The wolf fought me.

Raven dug his fingers into my upper arms and held me. He twisted slightly and drew his knees up on either side of me, pressing our arousals together and growling into my mind. Stop thinking like an Elf. Think like a wolf.

Is that a challenge?

Yes. Take it!

I could not say if Raven referred to the challenge or the gift he was offering in this. Probably both. I increasingly found ordered thought out of my reach and shook any guilt and hesitation off, following into the raw desire of the wolf.

Raven had always been paradox, I thought later, trying to come to terms with myself. He was close as an oyster for years on end if he so wished, and the next moment he threw all restraints away and broke down any walls between us.

Raven was holding me in his arms, and now curled tighter around me 'You are shaking'

'I am cold'

Raven snickered softly 'City-elf. I am not'

'Barbarian'

Raven tugged lightly at the wild elves' metal plaque I always wore.

"Why didn't you stay with them? The group whose chieftain gave you this?"

I rolled over to face him, scanning his face thoughtfully. Raven did not grin, even smile in triumph at surprising me. He had not read my mind, was simply asking.

"Bearclaw" I said "He was…is, still, I assume…called Bearclaw. This… it came in useful several times"

"Yes, I guess so" Raven turned the chip around, scanning the symbols on the back "Well, I can't read these, but they don't often give them away. Never, as far as I am informed"

"No. How do you know?"

"Remember? Fingal and I traded with them"

"I thought they only trade for metal. What did you two have they could want?"

"Ah. Not metal. But bone blades. Like the one I have. There are a few in Wolf Clan who know how to make them as hard as they are, and they don't break as easily as flint shards. The wild elves would trade for them as well if they could not get metal" Raven hesitated "Hawk Clan. You know, khai'toh, that this is funny coincidence?"

"Coincidence? You are wolf clan"

"But the hawk is…"

"Well, sacred. That is what you said. The bird carrying the souls of the dead…"

"Hm. Yea. You know our creation stories. There is no hither shore and no west. We have hawk and raven: the spirit world and the real world. The raven is our bird, the one we can understand really. He looks for a good life. He will hunt just as happily as steal carrion. He lives in loose clans, he chooses his mate, and he tries to get the best out of life. The hawk, he is the spirit flyer, the one who gathers the dead to carry them into the spirit world. What he knows is nothing the raven cares very much to find out personally. That is not how Nightchaser would tell the tale, but close enough. Hawk and raven fly in different airs. Literally and figuratively"

"So…did that come into your choice of Raven as clan-name?"

Raven hesitated "Yes. I can…could never identify very much with the hawk. But…the wild elves mean much to you. Yet you never talk about them. Or the time you spent with them"

Blood-hound. "I don't talk, hm?"

Raven returned the crooked grin "Yes. You don't talk either. We're a good pair, really. Well?"

"I don't know. Honestly, Raven. Happy goes lucky. I don't know why I didn't stay, I don't know why I went into Gondolin, and I don't know why I kept going back to my own people after all. It doesn't look well in biography, but there it is"

"You miss them"

"Sometimes, yes"

"You know, had you stayed we would not be here now. I would not be here" Raven paused "You reproach yourself for drifting. What else did I do? I had my direction while Fingal lived. After that, all I did was reacting. Looking for the easiest way out, the smoothest path to travel with the least hurt and risk to myself. I still do. And if you do, too, you know, no wolf would ever reproach you for that"

Raven shamelessly moved his ministrations further downward. His unbound hair tickled on my belly. By necessity the wolf used his tongue for a lot of things and Raven had already proved that he shared the wolf's habit in other things - but for this -.

I felt my breath catch.

"Very much alive" Raven murmured "I am going to remind you when you next consider turning yourself to stone"

"You know where you are going" I half asked half stated with closed eyes.

"I know what I am doing" Raven corrected softly "For a change"

And how quickly the wolf adapted to change. I traced the intricately knotted lines and symbols tattooed on Raven's arms and shoulders. They snaked over his collar bone and terminated in a triangle on his chest. In some places scars had been tattooed over, in others the design had been broken afterwards by newer scars.

"What mean these?" I finally asked. Oddly enough, in all the time we had walked together I had never seen fit to do so, maybe never dared to. I knew that some wild elves considered the meanings secret, and would guess the same for the Ashi'kha. Raven sat up, straddling my hips and considering the question in obvious earnest, twisting a lock of my hair thoughtfully. The colour never failed to fascinate him.

"A lot, or nothing at all. It depends on the wearer. The way they were meant to show things. The way they were…made" He smiled wryly. "It's hard to explain in Quenya. It lacks half the words I would need"

"This?" I pointed at the triangular, symmetrically twisted design that wound all the threads together and terminated them. Raven's eyes glittered in the darkness as he leaned forward.

"The wolf" he said softly "Or the elf. Furred. Unfurred. It is one and the same – and yet separate beings. I cannot explain. Ask Nightchaser one day. He talks better"

"Nightchaser. What is your connection to him? I thought he was the shaman of your clan"

"He is" Raven avoided my eyes for a moment "I trained as shaman for a while"

"You what?" I blurted.

Raven shrugged once more "Yes. Trained. I made it very clear I would not want to succeed to his place. But yes, that is why I know a few bits. And why I don't want to go further. Why I am raven and not hawk"

I shook my head incredulously "You're definitely weird"

"Look who's talking" Raven grinned ferally "Besides – do you want to talk, or – enjoy yourself?" He shifted slightly and leaned forward.

"You are wicked"

I caught his face in my hands before he could return to his business. It was hard to assess this very different Raven, and decide which was one of his obviously innate paradoxes and which had been only reserve.

"And you honestly tell me you never had a mate before?" I asked him gently.

For a moment Raven looked as if he would not answer and dropped his gaze again. He placed a hand on the ground beside me to push himself higher.

"She…was not…elven"

"Mortal?"

"In a way"

I searched his face thoughtfully.

Slowly, very slowly, something dawned on me. I reached up to lay my hand on Raven's chest, covering the tattooed symbol.

"I see"

Raven closed his eyes for a moment "Yes, but do you understand?"

"No. But it doesn't matter anymore" I paused, lowering my hand "Will you stay with me? Beast of shadow?"

"Yes" Raven said simply.

When I woke at dawn my first panicked thought was that we had been deadly careless to even sleep through the night out here afterwards. That dispelled any drowsiness. I forced my racing heart to calm down and think. Yes, think for a change.

But why should I? Did the wolf think so much? No. And he was better off with it. All my thinking had got me nowhere, ever, hadn't it?

Since we were lucky and no Orc stumbled over us, at least I did not wake up beside a wolf! Gently probing for Raven's sleeping mind I could share his constant awareness of the country around us. Not even while sleeping Raven's amazing perception slipped.

Would I have cared had I woken up beside a wolf?

I could not decide. Raven was not wolf now, most certainly not. I snuggled closer to his warm body and reached for my discarded cloak to pull it over us. The forest floor felt cold still. The moment seemed too good to miss a second of it sleeping. Nevertheless I drifted off into a doze again after a while.

The warm autumn sun woke me when it rose above the treetops. I found Raven sitting beside me, facing the sun with his eyes closed and looking very little civilized. In the bright light the tattoos stood out against his tanned skin. His still damp hair hung in a wild mane over his shoulders, a few leaves and twigs still caught in it. River water dripped from the curling tips. Raven opened his eyes and turned to look at me. He gestured towards the river with his chin. "That wakes you up very effectively"

I looked down. I couldn't help it. Some reserve of last evening was back, no matter we had left it so far behind a few hours ago.

"I am awake" I got to my feet and walked towards the bank, feeling Raven's eyes burn into my back. I did not turn. The water was as icy as last night. I waded deeper to wash myself, trying not to let the cold take my breath away. I sputtered as I came up after immersing myself in the rushing water. I had better be grateful that there was no ice on it.

I wrung out my hair and fled the river. Raven caught my gaze, and I found I had difficulty meeting the intense unguarded stare. There was more of the wolf in it than I felt strong enough to counter at the moment.

"So we've done it"

"Do you regret it?" Raven did not leave me out of his eyes. I felt faintly surprised he would speak when he could easily have sent. Neither of us had yet shielded against the other.

I sat down beside him, grateful for the warmth the sun still gave "No" I said after a moment "Not at all"

"Then why are you…you feel like…prey that wolves are pulling in different directions"

I stared at the grass "It has nothing to do with you"

"No?" Raven asked, smiling crookedly.

"It is not your fault" I amended.

Raven looked at me thoughtfully "The wolf lives…for the moment. I have followed him close enough to do the same – whenever I can"

I swallowed "I started this. You merely…picked it up from me"

"Do you really think that?" Raven laughed softly "With so much determination? If anything, at least I decided to follow your…example"

"Raven, please!"

What would they all say? It matters not. So the wolf would say. It matters not. It has happened, and that is it.

"Gildor" Raven reached out to touch me lightly "Your people are always looking for a why. I can tell you how we came here. But never why. Can't you just take it as an it is? Now?"

I closed my eyes for a moment, feeling suddenly very tired of all I tried to get to make sense. Raven moved closer and took me in his arms. Unshielded, I was aware of his helplessness, seeking to give comfort by simply being there when words failed. I relaxed into Raven's embrace gratefully "I will try" I said softly. A light wind rustled the yellowing leaves and wafted the scent of moist soil and mushrooms through the forest. A few birds piped. That was what counted, wasn't it? It was as Raven said – in the end, time would only leave this untouched, because it kept changing. In Ashi'kha legend nothing was constant – nothing was predictable except that the seasons changed. Ashi'kha tales seldom answered why. They told how. And no wolf would blame me for the easiest way.

"No" I amended finally "I will. I…think I will…pretend I'm a wolf and…live for the moment when I can as well" If that was all I could do, I would at least be good at it. Raven leant forward slightly. When I looked up I saw him grin evilly "You know what?"

"What?"

"Think like a wolf. But with your aversion to mice be glad you are no true changer"

For a moment I stared into his face. Then I reached for a handful of leaves and threw them at him.

Chapter notes:

Lines at the beginning from the song "Between two worlds" by Uriah Heep ("Sonic Origami")

Tolkien did not use the word "barbarian" in his writings, not in the sense of 'stuttering/blabbering' or 'uncivilized' - I assume the Quenya equivalent would be something like rava (which fittingly also means 'wolf') or Hravani ('wild ones', rhevain in Sindarin, I think) (for non-Edain men, War of the Jewels).

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