Silence, a gundam wing/ac fanfic

Title: Silence

Fandom: Gundam Wing

Pairings: 1x3

Rating: PG- Shonen Ai, mild language

Notes: Haven't written a GW piece in a while. A friend directed me to Silent Passion- a 1x3 site- and I wanted to write a piece for the site.

And I needed to brush up on my GW/Shonen ai skills…

-----

A stirring of memories manifested as a dream- a nightmare- painful, dreadful. A small sound- really nothing more than a soft whimper- does nothing to disturb the other there. A small scowl creases his brow in his slumber. These dreams that haunt him, these frightening images that come unbidden in the night won't cease. No matter what he does, they always come back.

Always.

He tossed and turned and small cries escaped his lips, finally disturbing the man next to him. He only vaguely heard his voice through the cloud of sleep; a desperate attempt to wake the still-dreaming man. He heard his name called- in tones hardly above a whisper, and almost managed to grab hold of the pinpoint of consciousness offered at that sound.

"Trowa!"

He dragged himself out of the depths of sleep, sitting bolt upright in the bed and breathing hard. He put his head in his hand and felt a cold sweat on his forehead. For the moment he forgot that he wasn't alone in the bed, and just sat there, his eyes closed, his face obscured by his hair. He felt a hand touch his shoulder, and he looked up in surprise. He met Heero's blue eyes with his own green ones and stared uncomprehendingly for a few moments before he realized what was happening.

He blinked a couple of times, then turned away, and laid back down, his back to Heero, who was used to this by now. It had become almost a nightly occurrence, something of a ritual, really. Heero sighed, and laid down himself, trying not to disturb Trowa, who he knew wasn't sleeping.

But he didn't know what to do, what to say to coax him out of these dreams- no, nightmares.

Neither of them fell asleep again that night. It was all a part of the ritual that had been deeply ingrained into both of them.

-----

Heero got up the next morning after lying awake for most of the night, as always. He didn't say anything about the previous evening (what could he say?) and went through his daily routine. But this time he was thinking about Trowa and his nightly episodes the entire time he was getting ready.

Finally he was forced to admit his defeat- he just couldn't understand the deep inner-workings of Trowa's mind; he hadn't been shown enough of it for him to know what could possibly be causing this huge problem, let alone how to go about fixing it.

He was out of his depth. What did he know of these things? It wasn't like he had any experience with it.

Still, it made him want to cry in frustration- why the hell wouldn't Trowa tell him anything? Heero wasn't exactly sure what he could do about it, but it would make him feel better if Trowa would just tell him what was wrong.

That led to a whole mess of things that Heero really didn't want to consider, so he gritted his teeth and moved his thoughts to brighter, better things.

Yeah right.

Trowa stepped out of the bedroom; every trace of what had happened the previous night had vanished from his face. Heero hid behind his training as the Perfect Soldier and betrayed none of the emotional turmoil he was going through on his face. He gave a peremptory kind of a nod, and turned back to preparing their breakfast. He felt Trowa's eyes on him for a few minutes, then he heard a sigh behind him, and he threw a glance over his shoulder and saw Trowa staring at his hands resting on the table in front of him.

"Are you mad at me?" Trowa asked in a plaintive voice. Heero was suddenly aching at that tone. He almost couldn't help but turn around, and he did so.

"No," he assured him, coming over, and sitting in a chair next to him and placing his arms around the green-eyed man. "Not at all," Heero whispered. He wanted desperately to say something about last night, but the words wouldn't come to him- all of his language abandoned him and left him to his own devices.

So he stayed silent- yet again. He never said anything. He just couldn't find anything that he could say that would make a difference for either of them. And in the back of his mind were those constant fears of making a fool of himself, of being rejected, being told no, being sent away. He didn't want to jeopardize anything that they had by being as ass.

So he kept his mouth shut. Better to just remain silent than to lose his lover- especially over something so stupid. So he sat there and held Trowa- neither of them saying anything- for a long time. Heero finally looked up at the clock, and sighed, releasing his hold on Trowa, and standing up. "I have to leave or I'll be late," he said, turning towards the door and making his way through the living room towards it. "I'll see you tonight when I get home."

Once the door was safely shut behind him, he slumped up against it, shaken, but not wanting Trowa to see it. He finally took a deep breath, straightened, and then headed for his car.

-----

Duo stood directly behind Heero with that grin on his face (Heero just knew it) and was speaking with- well, more to Heero.

He finally managed to elicit a response when he asked "So, how are you and Trowa getting along?"

"That really is none of your business, Maxwell," came the heated reply.

Duo flinched, although Heero couldn't really see it, what with him not having eyes in the back of his head. "That bad, huh?" Duo pressed on bravely, snagging a chair from behind him and sitting down on it backwards, still facing Heero. "What's up? And don't tell me 'Nothing's wrong.' That's a load of shit and we both know it." He gave Heero- or rather the back of Heero's head- a speculative look. "Out with it," he said, concernedly.

He knew that he probably shouldn't be poking his nose into Heero's love-life, but he couldn't help it- it was just the kind of person he was; he wanted to help Heero, especially since he knew that he was having problems.

"It's still none of your business," Heero replied shortly, continuing to work. He tried to ignore Duo, but he knew that wasn't going to happen for long.

"Dammit, Heero, I'm worried about you!" Duo practically yelled, standing up angrily. He glared down at Heero, knowing that he shouldn't be getting angry and that it was the worst possible thing to do if he wanted to get Heero to open up to him. But it was too late now, so he glared, suddenly feeling like a child.

"Don't you have work to do?" Heero asked pointedly, not even looking up from his computer.

Duo took the hint and left before he could do something that he would regret later, like, oh, attempt to pound Heero's face in.

Ah, Heero would kick my ass anyway.

-----

It took Duo a few hours to cool off, but after lunch, he bravely stuck his head into Heero's workspace and watched him work for a little bit, before clearing his throat and staking a step closer.

"What is it this time, Duo?" Duo was actually surprised- not only had he gotten a first name out of Heero, the ex- Wing pilot actually turned around to look at him. Duo took these as good signs, and smiled at Heero, who narrowed his eyes, but didn't say anything.

"Sheesh, I only wanted to apologize about earlier," Duo said, holding his hands up. "I shouldn't have poked around in your business like that," he continued, resuming his former position. "I'm just worried about you two," he repeated worriedly. "Y'know, none of us expected that it would last this long between you two- so you've already won- if there is a game or a bet- so if that's why you're so afraid of coming out with what the problem is, you don't have to worry. And I swear, I won't tell anyone- not even Trowa- unless you want me to."

Heero sat and listened to everything that Duo had to say, then gave him a long, level stare. To his credit, Duo didn't flinch from that look, but rather returned Heero's stony gaze with a concerned look that would have torn at the heart of anyone but Heero.

Finally, after an uncomfortably long silence, Heero sighed and turned back around, although he didn't continue working. Duo waited patiently for Heero to say something, sensing that he was about to get a confession out of the formerly invincible Wing pilot.

"He won't talk to me," Heero said, suddenly upset. "He doesn't tell me anything. He has these nightmares, and he refuses to talk about them." He made a face, but as his back was to Duo, the braided ex-pilot couldn't see it. Heero looked down at his hands which he had placed in his lap earlier and closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. "Nothing I do can make him talk to me."

Duo was, admittedly, surprised by this confession. He had never thought that Heero would care about something like this. Somehow he thought that Heero would have overlooked something like that.

Well, apparently not- and it was also apparently tearing Heero up inside, and Duo couldn't stand to watch it- even though it was well hidden behind that mask of indifference that Heero always wore. It hurt Duo almost as much as he was sure that Heero was hurting just to see that pain.

Hesitantly, Duo moved closer to Heero, then wrapped his arms around the other brown-haired man's shoulders. He felt Heero tense, but he didn't relinquish his hold. "Heero," Duo whispered into the other's ear, "I promise it'll be alright."

"So then, what do I do?" Heero asked, still not looking at Duo. "What exactly is it that is supposed to make him talk to me? I know you're trying to help, but this isn't helping."

Duo gave Heero a concerned look and reached up with one hand, placing it under Heero's chin and forcing him to look directly into his own violet eyes.

"Heero," he said gently, not really sure of what to say next. "I promise," he almost whispered. "You don't think that I would lie to you, do you?"

Heero lowered his eyes and shook his head.

"All you have to do," Duo continued, "Is to be there. Be comforting. Trowa will open up to you eventually- when he's ready."

Heero refused to meet Duo's eyes. He stared at the floor, and wouldn't look up. He wanted to be able to do something to help Trowa, not to just sit there and wait.

"Heero? Do you understand what I'm saying?" Duo asked, releasing his hold on Heero and taking a step back.

"But-" he started to protest, snapping his head up to look at Duo.

"Shush," Duo said placing a finger on Heero's lips. "Just trust me. All I want you to do is try it, okay? If it doesn't work out, then come back to me and we'll try something else out, okay?"

Heero really didn't have much choice, so he nodded his head and turned back around to finish off his work for the day.

-----

Trowa was already home when Heero got there. He stepped through the door of the apartment and found Trowa sitting on the couch, deeply buried in a book. Heero was almost positive that Trowa hadn't even noticed that he'd come in, and so he moved into the apartment, leaving his shoes by the door. He moved as quietly as he could into the bedroom, and set his things on the bed. He stood there in front of it for a few moments, his eyes closed, his head hanging, trying not to think of anything.

Suddenly, though, there was a presence behind him and he straightened as he felt Trowa's arms slide around his waist. He felt the taller man rest his head on one of his shoulders, and he stood frozen to the spot, unable to move.

"You are mad at me," Trowa said, somehow managing to put enough emotion into those five words to make the statement both accusatory and depressed. There wasn't really much Heero could say to that, and so he kept silent yet again, although it frustrated him to have to do so.

We shouldn't have to hide things from each other! he thought as loudly as he possibly could, somehow hoping that the thought would make its way out of his head and into Trowa's. That's what I'm mad at. You're hiding things from me, you never talk to me. Dammit, if I only want one thing out of this it's to hear you talk to me, tell me what's wrong…

He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. After a few moments, Trowa released his hold on Heero, and took a step back. Heero turned and found himself face-to-face with Trowa, who had erased all traces of emotion from his face. It had once again become that impenetrable mask that Heero had managed to crack once- if only slightly- but he doubted that he would be able to do it again. He stood his ground, though, not letting Trowa guess at all of the conflicting emotions and the chaotic morass of thoughts that ran circles in his head. He gave Trowa the same cool look that Trowa was giving him. Finally, the green-eyed man "surrendered" and he turned and left the room, closing the door behind him.

Once Trowa was no longer in the room with him, Heero collapsed onto the bed, every part of him shaking. He again closed his eyes and tilted his head towards the ceiling in an effort to stop the tears from coming, but it was no use. He couldn't stop it.

At first it started out with a few, solitary tears that ran one by one down his face, then more and more until finally he was face down on the bed, trying to muffle his sobs, and more often than not coming up with half-strangled sounds as he tried to stop them in his throat and wasn't exactly successful.

But he would do anything to keep Trowa from coming back in here and giving him that look again.

Like he didn't know him. Like Heero was some stranger- some hobo- who had somehow managed to find his way into the house. He never wanted to have to see that look again.

Finally he was done- there were just no more tears left in him anymore. He was utterly exhausted, and it was all he could do to move his things to the floor and crawl under the blankets before he fell asleep.

-----

Heero vaguely remembered Trowa coming into the room hours later. He was still mostly asleep when he did, and so he remembered rolling over to make room for him, but he was asleep again almost instantly.

Although, it didn't last long.

Always.

Heero woke what seemed like moments later, to find Trowa again caught up in his nightmares. Without a thought for their argument, or Trowa's anger, or his own hurt, he sat up and gathered the convulsing Trowa in his arms. Without a second thought, he started humming some ancient song or another to try and calm the other down. It seemed to have some kind of effect, since Trowa stopped jerking around so much, and his breathing became more regular.

Heero bent down until his face was just to the right of Trowa's, and breathed into his ear, "Just talk to me, Trowa. Tell me what's wrong."

Trowa had come fully awake, seconds before Heero had made his plaintive request, and when Heero pulled back, he opened his green eyes, and stared into Heero's blue, seeing a slow flush creep up Heero's face. He reached a hand up and placed on the side of Heero's face, trying to keep him from looking away.

"Heero," he began, not really sure where to take it from there. He coughed a little uncomfortably, and dropped both his gaze and his hand, tears forming behind his now closed eyes. Finally after several long moments he spoke up again. "I'm sorry," he practically whispered. It wasn't enough, and he knew it, but he didn't know what to do next. He wasn't sure that there was anything he could really do to make up for anything.

Before he could stop himself, he had dissolved into tears.

Heero watched him for a moment, bewildered, then gathered Trowa back into his arms and whispered soothing words to him until he had finished crying. Even after, they stayed that way for several long moments before Trowa lifted his face to look into Heero's blue eyes, which reflected all of the concern he felt for Trowa, as well as a pain behind them that he wouldn't let the world guess at; a pain that Trowa felt he had somehow caused.

So when the question came, he was ready. Heero whispered a concerned "are you all right?" into his ears and Trowa closed his eyes and leaned his head against Heero's chest.

"No," came the simple reply, followed by what promised to be a long night of explanations.

Silently, Heero exulted- he had finally broken down the last wall that Trowa had built around himself, and they could finally start to work together as partners and lovers. The night promised to be a long one, involving much emotional pain, as well as the physical consequences, but the soul-searching was the first step towards healing the wounds, and Heero was overjoyed that Trowa was finally taking that first step.

And who really cared if they weren't at work the next day? He knew that tonight they would really sleep.