From Winter back to Winter

Imladris, December 30th TA 3018

Elrond's POV

I rested my head in my hands for a moment. This meeting had not augured well in the first place, and the rest of the small council had not been any more productive. And now Gildor and Erestor hacked away at each other like fighting cocks. I was not the only one regularly getting into conflict with Gildor without his apparent fault.

Erestor flatly refused the idea of Raven's people allying with Rivendell "Let the valley be guarded by wolves, yes, and why not just have them carry the Ring to Mordor? Would not a wolf pack easier reach the black land than a Halfling?"

"They don't give a flying fuck for rings of power, Erestor! What they care about is that there may be land left for them to live in after darkness falls"

"And the next meal, probably. No matter if it's orcs they eat or elves!"

"Fresh orc is no better than rotting carrion" Gildor snapped "If that was what they wanted they needed not come here"

I gave up the plan to fix the proceedings today - if I wanted the Ashi'kha, I would have to present some in Imladris with facts. I just managed to keep them from each other's throats - I had more to do with preventing rows than I had time to make up my own mind on the pressing subjects. So we would not decide on the Ashi'kha arrival now, right.

"Stop this now" I interrupted them "Or move your bickering out of here until you have some reasons to give except accusations"

"Accusations!" Erestor echoed "I think I can present you with more than unfounded accusations, Elrond. But alright, I will happily move myself out of here until Gildor has recovered some sense!"

I grimaced. He actually managed to bang the door of the council-room. In the following silence, we could here the water roaring far below. The Bruinen, swollen from the recent rains, proved his name to be well-given. The roar of the water mingled with the steady patter of heavy rain. Gildor got up to pace the room like a caged beast. He still wore his travelling cloak and mud-stained clothing because as soon as he and his company had arrived back, I had whisked him away for this impromptu council. I had only said that there were things he had to know and some planning to do, an unspecified explanation that did not improve his mood. I now knew that Raven himself had carried one of the company's messages, and that he was well informed of all consequences my sending on of the One Ring might entail. Another thing that had understandably set Erestor on edge. He was, I realized, at this moment in the same situation I had been when getting to know Gildor – he just could not see how Gildor could do that.

It was useless to discuss the Ashi'kha now, so instead I decided to try and find out what had been nagging me since Gildor's company had left for the Towers. Still, this seemed to be turning into another full-grown argument between us that threatened to increase in temper.

Glorfindel had not been not here at all, and damn, he was not here to deal with Gildor now! I had a feeling he might go about this more delicately. So far, all I could do was keeping Gildor from leaving as well.

"Sit down, Gildor" I said, for the third time in a few minutes, trying to ignore his anger without much success. He was in no mood for compromise, and more than disgruntled with the whole thing. At least he did not have his sword with him at the moment.

"You told him, if it was your decision you would accept the Ashi'khas' help immediately, have you forgotten? You're not the one to blabber mindless things, not even after an attack"

"No" I watched him with steely eyes "If that is your idea of a council I can understand you keep yourself unavailable for Imladris business – if you rant now, I don't know what you would have done a few days ago at the great council"

"This was not my idea in the first place, Elrond" Gildor snapped "I would be up to my neck in hot water but for this. And I am glad that I was not there for the council, believe me. I can do nothing about what you decided there. But I am in the middle of what concerns the Ashi'kha, and I want an answer now. Say yea or nay, and if you say yes, give us a time. If you want us to agree on something before you decide, you may just as well hand Vilya over to Sauron right now"

Gildor turned from the window and paced back "There are riders out there – black riders. Our time is running out"

"I know that quite well. But listen to me-"

"No" Gildor snarled "For once you listen to me. You have given me a whole damn lecture about spirits, werewolves and other superstitions now. The Ashi'kha are a reality, Elrond. There is no blood magic to turn them into wolves. You know that, you touched his mind!"

"What I saw, even with Vilya, was other. He hides behind the wolf. He can hide lies behind what never lies"

Gildor took a step towards me and gripped my shoulders. The force behind that made me look up into his angry eyes.

"You think he lies?" he demanded.

"I say it is possible for him to lie"

"Of course it is. As it is for me, as it is for you. He is a living creature, not a mindless construct"

"You know I did not mean that. What he did not want me to see he hid behind the wolf"

"I know him" Gildor said with exaggerated care "As well as I know myself. We are not shielded to each other. If you think he does not speak true, accuse me of lying!"

Damn him. Couldn't he see I was not saying that?

"Gildor-"

"Do you think I'm lying?" he interrupted me.

"No"

"Do you think I have been bewitched or lost my mind?"

"No"

"Do you think I am having a good laugh at your expense?"

"No, Gildor, I-"

"Then what do you want? What do you want as proof? Do you think" Gildor added "Raven would risk his life in defending Imladris alongside us if he was fighting his own allies?"

"You never know with wolves" I snapped angrily before I could stop myself. Abruptly, Gildor turned and went to stand at the window, his back rigid.

"You're hopeless" he snapped "The whole thing is hopeless"

I sighed and got up to stand beside him. After a while Gildor, looked at me "You said that on purpose" he stated. "What are you playing at? Tell me – what.proof.do.you.need?"

"Maybe the whole war is hopeless, Gildor" I said. "If darkness falls, there will be no land left where the shadow does not rule, if a wolf-pack spies for us or not. Do you honestly think the Ashi'kha would go to war for us when they could save their skins and live as they have done before? Would they fight for the rectification of a folly they never ever had a part in? Yes you do, I know. And by now, I do so, too. It is the small things that will decide this war. But if only one of them is taken behind enemy lines, if only one message they carry is intercepted, all our designs may be revealed. Can an Ashi'kha stand against torment and mind-searching any more than one of us? Can a wolf stand against it?

When the Ashi'kha come here, they will sense Vilya. Maybe they will not desire her, but they will know. And they will carry the knowledge with them. I am not only afraid for us, Gildor. If we lose, the three will be found. And those who know of them will be sought out. He may think the Ashi'kha very useful for his designs. Maybe he himself cannot use her, maybe he can find a way, I do not know. I do not want a proof Raven is not a werewolf. I want you to understand that there is more at risk than their pelts"

"No one will be left alone if we fail" Gildor snapped "And you sent the ring out. You took the greatest risk in sending it away. If that fails, it matters not what we know or don't. If you let the Ashi'kha come, they will know, maybe, that you keep Vilya. But that the nine set out towards Mordor, they do not know. Maybe Raven can not prove that they are no risk. Maybe there is no way to prove that but to try. You fear the Ashi'kha may be hunted for what they know then. I have travelled far this year – what if my company had been taken? We have choice bits of information even now. You do nothing to prevent that"

I avoided his eyes "Yes. And I cannot forbid you, or anyone else. For years and years I have planned for this possibility, the recovery of the Ring. And now, this Ashi'kha complication turns up, and there is no time left at all for the final crucial planning. Circumstances force us into action without plan, without certainty, and blind faith in chance or luck is absolutely not what I prefer. It is useless to discuss this further, Gildor. If you remember, I agreed moons ago. The Ashi'kha will come. But I cannot simply call them here. I rule this place, which does not give me the right to decide over people's heads completely. I suppose I have to, to some degree. We can only try. And we will try it with the wolves.I just hope that we are not sent back furs with greetings from Mordor"

I paused, looking at Gildor. I got no clue and sighed. In the last years we had gradually drifted more and more apart. Gildor respected me, but since it had become clear how different our outlooks had become, he carefully kept his personal views to himself and more often than not avoided the valley, even in winter. We had never been close friends, but friends at least.

"I…you make me wonder, Gildor. Worry. I have played you up hoping you would give me a hint"

"Indeed" Gildor frowned "'A hint'. Speak clearly"

"Right" I looked out of the rain-streaked window, realizing that the rain had turned to sleet. By morning, Imladris would be covered in snow. So then, winter had come finally. Abruptly I turned and reached for two glasses, busying myself in filling them. Dusk was falling rapidly and the light in the study failed. I lit the candles, built up the fire and watched the flickering shadows on the packed books. I was playing for time, and Gildor had not let me out of his sight once. For a moment, I thought I should close the topic. I was not sure if I went too far asking this, and Gildor did not take kindly to prying, let alone when he was in such a mood as now. But after what Raven had said, and what I had seen for myself I wanted to know. I twined the glass in my fingers another long moment before bracing myself to meet Gildor's cold gaze "Tell me this: Are you two lovers?"

Gildor stared at me without moving and carefully kept his face expressionless. Abruptly, he turned and carried his glass to an armchair in front of the fireplace to curl up there, looking into the flames.

"You can give yourself the answer, can't you?"

I sighed and moved to the other armchair "You had to give me pieces to bring the Ashi'kha here. I just put them together. Why don't you talk to me, Gildor? You used to, you know?"

"Yes" Gildor said quietly after a pause "I know"

Sleet hit the windows and slid down the panes to form cold, melting lumps at their base.

"What happened to change it? You were there for me when Celebrian went West. Give me a chance to repay you"

"I am fine, Elrond. You could change nothing. I just want a hot bath and a good sleep"

"I don't want to change anything. I am worried, and I am curious" I admitted carefully.

Gildor smiled wearily "And both make you incredibly nosy"

"I am not nosing" I returned with mock indignation "You thwarted my attempt at feeling you out, so I asked straight away. I am not nosing" I paused. Maybe now that Gildor did not whet his claws it was safe to go on. At least he remained in his seat, even if it was probably out of weariness "You have committed yourself to Raven…very much. I never thought you would again. You were very – explicit in turning down offers for more than company, I remember. You almost killed Echduin"

"It was not an offer, it would have been rape" Gildor said flatly "And I still wish I had killed him"

I frowned "He would never have done that"

"So?" Gildor was going to say more but visibly swallowed his words "How stupid can you get? And he expected me to trust him in the first place?"

"I guess he thought in trying to corner you he might get you to understand he really meant his advances and was not fooling you"

Gildor only snorted.

"He had not expected your…reaction to be so – lethal. Nor Faire's"

"Second mistake. Poor man"

"He was very young, Gildor"

"And stupid"

I rubbed my eyes "Why Raven?" I asked bluntly.

"Exactly why not Echduin"

"Do you care to elaborate?"

"We complement each other in case of foolishness"

"Oh come on. In all the centuries I have known you, you have never been a fool"

"No, of course not" Gildor said mockingly.

"Are you still angry at what I said?"

"No, I am talking to you, as you wished"

I groaned softly "I don't know anyone more stubborn than you! Can't you just say what you think? And you blame me for nosing! Do I always have to ask tactless questions to make you talk? The last time I did that you challenged me at sword's point"

"I will do so again if this gets further off-course"

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly "So let me phrase this differently. Why a dark elf, Gildor? Why can't you find what you seek among our own kind? And please don't ask me why-does-it-bother-you-Elrond now"

"I know perfectly well what he is" Gildor growled "And what I am not" he added under his breath, staring into the flames.

"I could tell you" I said "Even if you insist on disclaiming your father's title, by your line and heritage you are Vanya"

"Half Vanya" he corrected coldly "And even if I considered myself that, this alone should tell you that 'my people' as you say are far away over bent seas"

I consciously resisted the desire to clench my hands into fists "I wonder what brought you together" I said instead "You and Raven"

"You know the story. I don't think your memory will fail you"

I smiled thinly "Indeed it does not. Gildor, I only know what I can see, and the little Raven has allowed me to see. He- he is cold and arrogant as a stone-block" I said then, recklessly. I had no right to ask this, and he no obligation to answer "Can he give you anything back you offer him? There…you said he lost his soulbound partner, and that damn well shows. But I know there were things he consciously kept hidden from me, and closed places I am sure he would have fought me to the death before I got there. He is dangerous. And I am not talking about fangs and claws"

Gildor snorted softly "How can you honestly tell me anyone is dangerous, hm, Elrond ring-bearer? And don't you lecture about 'closed places'. But I will satisfy your curiosity, if only for Raven's sake. His 'soulbound partner' as you put it was his brother, and you could have put that together from what he told you already. And it was an instinctive bond. Raven survived because his brother managed to sever part of the link before he died"

"If it was an instinctive bond he could not have survived" I objected "Maybe his brother's death, but not the shock of loosing that…part of his fea"

"Now you forget the wolf in that. He survived more than a year on his own. He tried to get himself killed, yes. But the wolf always wants to survive, and Raven is too good or mad a fighter, he never met an orc that could best him, I suppose. Things had wound down to a narrow close when I met him with Caladur's clan, and even then he still managed to hide his condition. You know I am not a great healer, but I was curious, and I knew something was wrong. So I tracked him when he tried to sneak off after that fight" Gildor paused "He is dangerous, he showed me that when…– You will know fea-raika?"

I stared at him for a moment. Fea-raika. The most complicated and dangerous procedure I knew. I could not even say what it was – a ritual? A healing procedure? Coercion?

"That…requires at least two people for grounding and healing" I said "You were all alone in a cave in the mountains"

"Which is why I had to do both. And I was lucky that the wolf wanted survival and Raven was not fully there. He can mind-kill, and he can do it well. That time he only managed an ill-aimed blow that I could deflect, but that is the principle of what he does with werewolves. He can separate wolf-mind and spirit without killing the wolf, but he also can wrench the connection of fea and body to kill"

I snapped my mouth shut. So despite what he said, he knew how to use that power. Maybe unconscious, definitely untrained, but he could do – so much. I stored that away, and took a careful sip of wine "You're better than we ever gave you credit for"

"Probably than I ever gave myself credit for" Gildor smiled crookedly "He almost killed us both, though, mark my words. I feared he would hate me for pulling him back, but he didn't. Or maybe the wolf did not, and he usually goes along with the wolf"

"He does" I said faintly

"If you complain about closed spaces" Gildor continued quietly "you know fea-raika can include seals. He would not have survived without these. I set them. By now, he will be in control of them. Of course he won't let you touch them for the life of him.

But it is the fact that we are lovers that bothers you, I take it. I trust him, more than anyone else. And I can, because he trusted me first, without demanding security or repayment. He took the first step. And he is here. He is wolf, Elrond, and the valley is definitely not his favourite place. He would be spending the winter with some pack or in a cave, but he is here, and because of me. He chooses this for me freely. That is more than I could ever ask of anyone, and more anyone else could give me. That is why I trust him"

If he can mind-kill... I cut the thought off. Gildor would know the risk he was and was not taking unshielding to Raven "And you are spending your time in the wild just for him?" I asked.

"No of course not" Gildor laughed briefly "Not anymore. I used to, in the beginning, sometimes. But I have used my time well, I think. I hid in a city for five-hundred years. That is a lot of time I have to catch up. So I learned from the rhevain, so I learn from him…And he never gives you I-think-you-shoulds" he added as an afterthought "Can you imagine what a relief that is?"

"And I am, yes?" I asked wryly "I suppose I am. But you changed, a lot. I have found your love for the rhevain hard to understand. This wolf-business goes much further. To me. To many here, I think. You know why Erestor said what he did"

"I know"

Nothing more. "If you have learned one thing with the rhevain it is to go your own way and damn the rest" I said darkly.

Gildor snorted "Elrond, I see why he hates the werewolves. I do not ask him to change that, only that he accepts that the Ashi'kha.are.not.werewolves"

"What would you say if I asked you to stop hunting Orcs?"

"That you are a madman and that you miss the little fact that the only resemblance between an Ashi'kha and a werewolf is fur and fangs"

I was silent for a moment "Well…as you said we are going opposite directions. What I am trying to keep alive is what you try to leave behind"

Gildor remained silent.

"You…still do not want to leave for the west, do you?" I asked after a while "I wanted to so badly when Celebrian went, but it never seemed to…call to you"

"What I think of as the west is only a memory" Gildor said softly "It works well here to remember, but if I go back, I will find only that nothing is as it has been – as I remember it. No, I will not go as long as I have no other choice"

"Because of that? Or because Raven would not go with you? Don't you think he could?"

"Because of both?" Gildor emptied his glass and pulled his travel-stained cloak closer about him "There is nothing left for us here. This war will have to be fought, and the outcome either way will mean our end. If we cannot change, and I don't think we can. But the Ashi'kha…they live for the sake of living – they will stay, if only to try and keep the wolves safe. Raven will not go into the west. He is too much Ashi'kha for that. Or wolf. It…would be madness if he tried, I think. At least we knew that before we…started this. But he would try, maybe. It is just that he…is afraid. Afraid that if the Shadow created the Ashi'kha They would take the wolf from him. The Valar made us pay tough prices before. I can see he does not fear this possibility for no reason. He did not even look into the stone, yet he was… terrified at the White Towers. No, Elrond, there is nothing left here for us. You know that better than I, I think. But I am not prepared to wait for that end"

"And what will you do?"

"Hell if I knew. I hope if I can wait long enough an answer may drum itself up"

"Out of the blue, hm?"

"Say, out of the black"

I frowned "You think he has some power for that?"

"Raven has no power. Neither have I. I could not stay for love of him. His love for me gives me the power to stay"

Silence fell between us once more "Do you have no…hope at all that there might be something worth to find there?" I asked finally "Even if it is not what you wish for now?"

Gildor stared into the fire for a moment "No"

"All our hope lies in the West"

"Maybe we should have another go at the first age. By now most of us seemed to have learned that"

I looked at Gildor for a moment in amazement. I had heard these same words spoken almost identically centuries ago. By a softer voice, but with almost as much cynicism in it. With determination I pushed thoughts of my foster-father and his brother, the master of spite, out of my mind. I looked at Gildor steadily, trying to see beneath the cool surface in vain. Then the everlasting darkness shall indeed be our fate. So they had said. Gildor had never told me what his feelings towards the Feanorians were. He had never mentioned either of the brothers, always manoeuvred around questions I asked concerning that.

"You cannot outwit the Doom nor flee it" I said quietly "Will you rather become a phantom of the marshes, a faded ghost?"

Gildor smiled thinly "I have no intention of that, no"

Again, there was an uncomfortable silence. Finally I could not bear it anymore. He had said more now than in years before, and I knew I would have to leave it at that.

"It is snowing again" I said, stupidly.

Gildor looked outside "Khai'khanshe imaire" He smiled at my puzzled look "That is what Raven's people call the winter. It means bound-light-falling. They say the light of the sun becomes frozen and falls from the sky. They say it a little better, though"

All the while, I thought, I had not seen how much really lay between us. When I asked how he could not only live with Raven but love him, how he could give up all the careful integrity he had built up for ages, I spoke only from my place. He had said something to that effect long years ago, before the Alliance was made. When he had come to offer the help of the rhevain. To me, they had been, and essentially remained, foreign. And Raven was an alien, a half-demon almost. According to the laws of the world I knew. I could not see what he did not show me – his reality, his customs. Gildor now, I realized, was far ahead of me in that. Once more. He knew Raven's language, their tales, he could share, at least to some degree, Ashi'kha world-view.

"Winter" he added slowly "Begins their count of time. From midwinter's day to midwinter's day is one year, one sun-course. I think originally it meant dark-return, not sun-return. Because they count in nights, too, not in days"

"Shouldn't they have counted from midsummer then, when the nights grow longer?" I asked, and he laughed "Don't point that out to me! I only learn the tales"

"The Rohirrim say something similar, you know? 'It is the blinking of an eye, the least space of time, and soon it turns from winter back to winter'"

Gildor smiled crookedly "They are quite a pessimistic lot, aren't they?

Gildor's POV

The black returned after nightfall. Or rather, the wolf drifted into our rooms without so much as a creaking panel, with snowflakes still in his fur and the scent of cold air clinging to him. I had given up trying to read and instead curled up in the bed to idly watch the flames in the fireplace. The wolf leant against the door to shut it and leaped onto the bed, standing over me.

'Lazy, skulking maggot' he said comfortably 'The snow is falling, and it is a wonderful winter night'

I grinned and grabbed the wolf's muzzle, pushing him over "It is ungodly, windy, wet and icy cold. You are a mad, scavenging beast who doesn't know what's good"

'I don't?' Raven asked challengingly 'I distinctly remember times you said differently'

"If you want to pursue that vein, demon hound, change"

Raven obeyed, and pulled a loose tunic over his head before sitting down on the bed and wrapping his arms around his knees. I nudged the book towards him "You will find that hilarious"

Raven frowned and took it up "You know I can hardly read well enough to call it pastime. Wolves?"

"Don't ask me who brought it, but it was written by a human and ended up here in the library"

"Are you going to sit there all night?" I asked after a while, watching Raven leaf through the thin volume with a half amused half disgusted expression "It is getting cold in here, you know. The brick doesn't keep the heat well after all"

Raven raised one eyebrow "Brick?"

I looked up. It took a moment until Raven's implication sank in. I had become too used to supplying the soft sounds where he invariably used hard ones, whatever language he spoke "Yes, brick. Brick, as in, heated stone, you dirty little mind. Maybe you should have writing lessons instead of reading"

Raven laughed "You and your heated bricks. Oh sorry, bricks. You have a really funny idea of what is comfortable. But I know the letters, see, just your weird speech-"

"My weird speech! That is you who's talking, sprouting fur when it gets cold"

"Yes, sadly you miss out on that" Raven grinned "That is why you are taking stones into bed"

"Well, you weren't there, you were running around in this ungodly weather. Why should I freeze if I don't have to?"

"You must have quite a store of those bricks by now"

"Yes, I collect them you know? To drop them on people's heads on occasion"

Raven whistled through his teeth "Was that a threat?"

"No. So are you coming?"

"Yes. But I'm going to have a bath first. A hot bath. And if you're not too taken up with you brick, come with me"

"Raven, this day was hard. I can think of a hundred better things than to run through this damn snow again"

I got up nevertheless and we walked through the cold corridors and down the stairs. Raven looked at me darkly "Elrond got to you again"

"He's got a way of asking one question and making you doubt everything you thought you had straight before"

Raven's dark look deepened "He asked you why we are together"

"How do you want to know that?" I demanded, half startled, half nettled.

"You people always ask why" Raven returned "It was your first question too, when we woke"

"Yea, well" I glanced at him. We passed the kitchen, and I stopped "You go on, I'll just see if there's some food left for us" Raven shrugged and trotted across the snowed-in yard and the meadow to the bathhouses.

Arndil was on servant-duty tonight, sitting in the kitchens and nursing a mug of mulled wine. I didn't like being waited on, but now I accepted his offer to take a plate up there for us gratefully. I scurried through the snow in Raven's tracks. Like the wolf, he always walked a straight line across open spaces. The bathhouse was empty except or us. Obviously no one dared the wet snowfall for a soak this evening. Raven had chosen the usual tub in the hindmost corner. He was already up to his chin in steaming water.

"You should be cooked right through" I observed, sticking a hand into the water. "Don't you bother to add cold water?"

"Why?" Raven replied with closed eyes, grinning, turning my people's whys back on me. "The hot springs in the Dark Mountains are – well – hotter" He opened one eye to look at me.

"Yours are a mad people"

Raven snorted and closed his eye again, sinking a little deeper into the tub "We are a clean people"

I laughed. "Oh, yea. No flea will survive scalding water"

"FLEA!" Raven hit his target with a splash of water without looking. I jumped aside hastily "You only get angry when I'm right" I teased from a safer distance.

"Be glad that's not very often"

"Point taken" I pulled a stool towards the tub and sat down, reaching for a comb "Come here" I ordered, tugging at Raven's hair "That looks like a crow's nest"

"You're so charming. Don't tell me you're looking for fleas"

"Shut up and relax"

"I would, if you didn't pull my scalp off "

"So sensitive? Since when?"

Raven squirmed "Hands off"

"What's that?" I pushed the long strands aside to find a cut across Raven's shoulders.

"Nothing"

"Doesn't look like nothing"

"Just a scratch"

"'Just' depends, hm? What did you do?"

Raven shrugged "Visited my brothers. We had some rank to settle before I could…join their meal"

I was silent for a moment, fighting with the comb. Elrond's questions had unsettled me far more than I wanted to admit. Raven's phrase, spoken without conceit, stuck in my mind. The wolves. My brothers. He referred to all other creatures that were not green things, as cousins. 'I never saw myself as different from what you call beast' he had said long ago.

"Don't you get enough to eat here that you must scavenge?" I asked, trying to sound neutral.

"I did not scavenge" Raven said indignantly "I took an opportunity that was too good to waste"

I shook my head and finished working the tangles out. Probably he sensed my own uncertainty if I meant that as a joke or an honest question and therefore passed it by with irony. Or did he? Knowing Raven, he probably meant it as he said it. He seldom referred to wolf-things with irony. Raven disappeared under the surface for a moment and then reached back to wring the water out of his hair. He tugged a towel from the rack along the wall and got out of the tub, rubbing himself dry unconcernedly.

I grinned.

"Huh?-" Raven froze with the towel across his back.

"You don't mind if somebody gets an eyeful, do you?"

Raven looked blank for a moment, glanced at the door, then realized it was teasing "Why should I if that somebody is only you?"

"Only me! Thank you" I rose for a mock bow "Well, only me has certainly earned your gratitude since only me ordered a downright feast to be brought to our room"

Raven returned the bow with equal mockery, holding his towel like a veil and lisping "My eternal gratitude, my lord"

"Hah!" I pointed an accusing finger at him "Now that was cruel"

"What, the eternal thing? Or the lord?" Raven pulled his leggings on and laced up his shirt, shaking his hair back "I feel like eternally hungry at the moment"

He pulled the plug from the tub with a flourish.

"Wolves!" I snorted as we left the bath house "Only food in mind"

"Ah, you could do with some, too. You wanted to take your wolf-business serious, yes, Nokashi?"

A cold gust drove snow across the meadow, taking my breath for a moment and preventing me from a reply. Raven pelted back across the wide lawn and up the stairs. Puzzled, I followed him. Arndil had not promised too much and we sat down on the bed carefully balancing the large tray on the bedcovers between us. "What did you just say?" I asked when Raven settled himself.

"Oh come on, you know enough Ashi'kha for that one"
"Little Wolf?"

Raven shook his head slightly "Brother wolf. Little wolf would be Nok'ashi"

"And do you feel justified in calling me that? I surmise it is not an insult"

"No" Raven said slowly, looking suddenly troubled "It was not meant as one"

He meticulously hacked a rind of cheese into tiny bits with his knife, dropped it and looked up "Kil'tor, I have the right to offer you this name to take for own. You are welcome to join Wolf Clan whenever you want" he paused "My name is Kela'shin"

I took a long breath. "What…is the correct…acceptance?"

Raven shrugged "There is no right or wrong. Simply accept if you want to"

"I do. And I will come with you, gladly. If there is a chance still after – after the War"

"There will be. However it ends" Raven stared down at the tray "There must be"

A while later, Raven and the brick exchanged places. The fire had burned low, and we were both too lazy to rise and build it up again. The wood glowed red, casting shadows rather than light. The window was open a little, and a cold breeze crept into the room continuously. I would have shut it, but knowing how much Raven detested that I left it open.

"Do you have it straight?" Raven asked suddenly "Us, I mean?"

I took a long moment to answer. I had avoided that topic earlier this evening, but this time he would not let me off the hook. And well right he was. You can give yourself the answer' I had said to Elrond. As if I was guilty. Did I, somewhere deep down, still feel I had to justify myself to my people? Maybe I was feeling guilty. But if so, my fault did not lie with the Eldar but with the Valar. I returned a question to a question. Raven's answer, I suppose, would have been an 'Of course'. Simple, wolvishly straightforward - and utterly true. I wished I had Ashi'kha outlook on such matters.

"I do" I said finally "You and I, yes. That I have straight" I paused "If it looks otherwise to you, I can only ask your forgiveness"

"No" Raven pushed himself up to look at me "Not that. I won't. But what is it to them, what we are? Why do they care? They think you are the weird one, while it is really me"

I had to laugh "I don't think in their minds either of us is less weird"

He looked at me shrewdly "But they do pick on you. Maybe not because so much because we are lovers – but because you are doing what they don't. Can't. Dare. I don't know, I don't care which. It is you they confront"

"They are frightened of you"

"Hah!" Raven laughed out loud.

"They are" I said "Elrond is"

Raven flopped down beside me "Fool me" he said.

"I will. But not with this"

"Because I am Ashi'kha?"

"Because you are a wolf, too. Because you can exorcise werewolf-spirits. Because you can mind-kill. Because you have more power over me than anyone ever had. More reasons?"

"I have no power over you" Raven said, startled.

"Not more than you take"

Raven was silent, thoughtful "What then got to you so much?" he asked then "What else had you straight that he shook so badly?"

I squeezed my eyes shut "Raven, I wished just right now you would stop prying"

Raven snickered softly "No. Not now. Is it about you having been gone to the Towers?"

"No" I said "Yes. No"

Raven stared at me for a moment until I looked away. I did not care if the wolf would interpret that as submission, and immediately rued it.

"He can't get to you so much just nagging about your bed-mate. You yourself are troubled. Why?"

I held my eyes shut "Because I must go into the west and I don't want to" I said abruptly. That was all I could admit. I could not face talking about fading, the assumptions, the marsh-phantoms Elrond had referred to. I heard Raven hiss softly "That is…as if I wanted to go there. It won't work"

"Ravens don't cross the sea" I said wryly "I know"

He shifted "And gulls must return to it, yes?"

"Kela'shin" I said into the uncomfortable silence "Stormcloud. Was it a pun your father intended?"

Raven smiled weakly at my attempt to change the topic "If so, it would have been mother's idea. Could be. Maybe you can ask her soon. But I…actually it means 'rising storm'. More correctly, that is. Kela'shin…also refers to the look of the sky before a storm in summer. And to the feel of the air…before lightning strikes" Another pause "It also implies…passing fury…something that…burns itself out, like a…storm blows itself out after some time"

"Any storm can wreak great damage. Don't seek weakness even in…in your own true name"

"Yet it is there" Raven returned "And you know it"

"I know it" I looked at him "I know. And I know myself. So do you. - A secret for a secret, dark elf. We keep each other safe"

Raven smiled wryly "Don't you ever tell me off for 'flinging your own words back into your face' again"

Chapter Notes:

Winter back to winter: This is an Old English proverb comparing life to the flight of a sparrow through a warm hall. It reads:

ac þæt biđ an eagan bryhtm and þæt læsste fæc ac he sona of wintra on þone winter eft cymeđ

and means:

but that is the twinkling of an eye and the least space of time but soon it comes from winter back to winter. (Bruce Mitchell, An invitation to Old English and Anglo-Saxon England, p.260)

As they are a little bit Anglo-Saxon it felt okay ascribing it to the Rohirrim-.

Stormcloud: the not-very-original-'pun' works of course only if Hurondil's name actually means "Storm-lover"

Arndil: (Q) king-friend

Echduin: (S) spear-river