Mark of the Shadow

Lorien, March 24th TA 3019

Galadriel's POV

Three wolves were killed, but except Mala'shech all of the Ashi'kha had yet survived. It seemed like a miracle. A handful of werewolves had gone astray when the attack had been repelled, fleeing into the forest. The Ashi'kha had tried to round them up with the help of Lorien hunters. I had had a hair-raising demonstration of how the Ashi'kha dealt with the possessing spirits, but the cornered beasts fought viciously, and the Ashi'kha managed to save only three of the wolves alive in the end.

All around Lorien fires raged, burning by some dark malice on wet wood as well as on dry. Several outer areas had to be abandoned to the fire, and the efforts of quenching the flames were restricted to the inner forest. There had been no time yet to count all losses, and all those who were able were on their feet trying to heal what injuries they could and patrolling the land.

It was early dawn when I returned in haste to the former gathering clearing where now the most heavily wounded were treated. I spent all morning there, exerting all healing powers of Nenya I could summon. By midday one of the guards brought me bread and cold meat, insisting that I eat. As I sat on the fallen limb of a mallorn, staring across the devastation even in the heart of the realm, Gildor came towards me. With Raven he had been at the eastern edge of the defence, where things had been most thick, and he looked it. His armour was soot-stained and bloody, and he himself appeared ready to drop dead. He was alone, and the expression on his face boded ill. My heart missed a beat. If his companion had been killed, I needed no foresight to guess... I did not finish the thought and waited for him to reach me, keeping my mind blank.

He flopped down beside me gracelessly, fatigue radiating from him "We lost fifteen in the east. Of the others, I don't know yet" he said tonelessly, following my stare into nothingness.

Fifteen. The number registered with me slowly. Twenty, in the north-east alone. Celeborn had not yet returned or sent word how many he had lost. I turned my mind to the present and looked at Gildor's pale face. He was marvellously shielded. I would have to ask then, the ordinary way "Where is the black wolf? - Raven?"

"Still east" Finally Gildor met my eyes "He lives"

I closed my eyes for a moment, inexplicable relief sweeping over me "His fate is…bound up with yours" I said after a while.

Gildor chuckled darkly "Of course it is"

"No" I said "I do not mean it so…simple"

"You never do" Gildor said with mild amusement "Did you employ your mirror again?"

"The mirror remains blank when it concerns Raven" I admitted "He shows me only the wolf, and only the wolf I see. What I mean is…more vague"

"Coming from you, I do not know if that is comforting or terrifying" Gildor stared down at his hands "In the midst of this chaos your concern could not lie chiefly with the welfare of my soul and Raven's life, could it?"

"No?"

"You could not see these attacks coming" Gildor said into the empty air.

"No" I confirmed "To the east is only deep darkness. No scrying, no foresight, no mirror avails anything against it. What comes from there, I can only tell when it is come. It were the wolves, you know – they scented what could not be seen. It is…well that you brought them"

Gildor looked at me searchingly "What is on your mind?"

I shook my head with a slight smile. I took Nenya off and held her in my hand. Gildor glanced at me uncertainly. I knew the Three were a sore spot for him. He resented the idea of power within objects in general, yet he had helped gaining part of the knowledge Celebrimbor had needed from the Avari. Occasionally he even used that knowledge himself. It was not Elrond's way to place guilt, but his repeated pointing out of those facts probably amplified Gildor's aversion to the rings and our and his increasing dependence on them.

"The power of this is rooted in the One" I said "These are really 'roots in the dark', as Elrond put it. As you said. And yet we use them against the very source in which they rest. Elrond is …too much of a warrior. He must control things, or at least attempt to do so. In the case of the Bruinen, that is indeed useful. Lorien is fenced…or was, and inside the fence, there is order. My order. But the wolves are wild. As Raven said, they are opportunists. They owe allegiance to no one. They were a risk. The order of the wild is that there is no order, or little, as far as our understanding is concerned. It was certain that Elrond would not like that thought"

"Are you speaking of the wider context or is this for my benefit?" Gildor asked warily "Your words are two-sided"

"I am of two minds" I amended "And this is said between us. The Ashi'kha and the wolves may have not turned the war, but they are here – and they have their part. And Raven has his part. For you. But what, I see not"

"We hardly need to worry about tomorrow, do we?" Gildor said bitterly "If the war is won or not, we have nothing. There is only shadow, and if that comes not, then the sea. Don't you remember, Altariel – tears unnumbered you will shed. And it never changed, even now it still is there. I have always been a fool" he added in a soft snarl "And I don't seem to change. Here we have the whole land falling to bits around us and discuss – what? The future or our petty heartaches. Damn"

I looked at him, taken by surprise by his outburst more than by the name he used, a painful echo of a long gone past. But I had no answer to that. It was too true.

Even if the Shadow was destroyed, time remained. Time was our greatest enemy. Right now, it slipped through my hands like sand from a broken glass. Too fast, and too disordered. There were only uncertainties and no hope. Raven was just a small unresolved riddle in the shifting shadows of the present. And though his life was bound up with Gildor's, I could not lay a finger on the intersection. Maybe Gildor was right in refusing any misty hopes – and that was all we could hold, if we so wanted. What is not held cannot be taken.

"Damn. I'm sorry, I have no right to snap at you for no reason" Gildor said wearily "I have to go back, I just need a few things. Do you have clean bandages around still?"

"We have. Gildor, wait. How long have you been up now?"

He shrugged, puzzled "Don't know. Few days. I'm fine"

"You are not 'fine'. Why did you not call me? You needn't have risked your life healing him"

"Galadriel-" Gildor looked away "We were in the midst of really dirty fighting. I did not exactly have time to think a lot. And your own people need you here just as well. You know it was nothing I could not do"

If the battle had not exhausted his reserves completely, his brush with Raven's near-death certainly had. Or still was. I took his hands, and he was too proud to pull back, though his eyes flashed in anger.

"You have opened an unrestricted bound to him" I observed.

"I knew what I did" he returned tightly. I stared at him for a moment before releasing him. I gathered up some of my supplies and wrapped them in a blanket.

"Well" I asked "Can we go?"

"Galadriel, he is terrified of the rings! That is the main reason I did not ask for your help yet"

"Well, I need not use Nenya"

Gildor sighed in exasperation "It is enough that she is there. Do you not have your hands full here? Leave the wolves to me"

"I am here for all those who fought for Lorien" I took Gildor's arm and led him forward "Now, tell me what happened"

Gildor reluctantly fell into step beside me "A spear" he said after a while, giving in "It would have killed the wolf, so he had to change back and that took the energy he would have needed to help me heal him. That's why I am not exactly in best shape"

Best shape. I snorted silently. You are dead on your feet.

We had to walk for almost an hour, but did not speak at all. The smoke from the borders drifted through the forests, mingling with the choking stench of burning orc carcasses. In many places the grass and undergrowth was trampled or scorched. Near the eastern gathering glade several huge trees had been felled. I bit my lip and marched on in silence. Not even Nenya could replace those ancient mallorns. In summer, I told myself stubbornly, these barren clearings would be grown with fresh grass and wild flowers.

In a summer I might not even see here.

We neared one of the greater new clearings. Orcs were piled there, and a severed orc's head stuck on a broken spear in front of the pile. All the surviving wolves were in this clearing. The changewolves were further west, Gildor said when I inquired for the whereabouts of the Ashi'kha. Raven rounded the pile of orcs as we came into view, dragging the mangled carcass of one of the werewolves by the forefeet. He let go of it and dropped to his knees beside it, pressing his arm across his belly.

"For heaven's sake wait here" Gildor told me softly, his tone boding no disobedience. Raven staggered to his feet when he became aware of us. His shock was so palpable for me that I checked my shields to see if I had forgotten to raise them. I had not.

Raven's voice was sharp, but he spoke Ashi'kha and Gildor's response was so soft I did not even catch in which language he actually answered. I had seen Raven not as wolf only once, briefly, in darkness and from a distance. All my other encounters with him had been limited to seeing the black wolf. Quenya, I remembered Gildor said he speaks Quenya.

When no argument ensued between the two I approached as well. I had the impression Raven only stood where he was because Gildor held him and he would not fight the Elda. I halted a few steps from them and dimmed Nenya's power to the point of blocking the ring from my mind. Then I took her off again and transferred her to a chain about my neck.

"I can not use her this way" I said, catching Gildor's surprised glance. I never took off the ring when facing strangers. That was the rule. That was what made the Lady of the Golden Wood the farseer and seer she was rumoured to be. I smiled knowingly. He would not have supposed I might willingly limit my powers of Seeing and Testing for the sake of a stubborn changewolf "That is what Elrond did not even think of doing, isn't it?" I asked gently "I see much for myself, Raven, but whatever you wish to hide, you can keep concealed this way. Now will you have me let a look at that?"

It was odd talking in Quenya once more, after years and years of Sindarin. Even with Gildor and the few Noldor who lived in Lorien I used Sindarin. Raven stared at me for a moment before answering "I would not" he said hoarsely, in sharply accented Quenya "But as he could not refuse you coming here, it seems I hardly can"

"Come on" Gildor led him away from the orc-pile and to the edge of the clearing "I have already insulted her enough for two, do not add your venom"

Raven laughed and then winced as he sat down, leaning back against the tree. I knew he felt cornered, but my perception of him was limited to that without Nenya. As I had said, he showed me only the wolf, and that part was concerned with flight.

I crouched down beside Gildor and deposited my bundle on the trampled grass. Raven looked carefully past me as I tugged the fasteners of his gown loose and pushed the fabric aside. It had stuck to the wound where Raven had pressed his arm across, and I tried to pry the garment off without causing him more pain.

"Wait" Raven closed his eyes and pulled the cloth away with a sharp tug. I hissed when I saw what was beneath "I thought you had already healed that!" I blurted, very unprofessionally, a tiny voice in my mind whispered sardonically. Gildor smiled thinly "I did. And believe me, it looks a lot better than it did when we pulled the spear out"

It would have killed the wolf must have been the understatement of the day. It would easily have killed the elf, even had he been armoured.

"You have greater power than I guessed" I looked at Gildor thoughtfully. If I had hoped for elaboration I was disappointed.

"I am full of surprises, am I not?"

I recognized the words, another bitter reminder of the past. When it had become public that Gildor and Silmarussё had all intention of becoming partners but none at all to marry sharp words had flown, especially between the families. These words had been Gildor's non-committal reply to the inevitable accusation that ran like "We would never have thought you would do that!"

Though I knew him long, I had never known him well. I did not remember this sharp cynicism. It was unsettling. There was tension between these two which had nothing to do with any quarrel in their relationship or with my presence. I could not figure out without seeing more.

"Do you have water which has been heated before?" I said instead.

Gildor shrugged "Not here. I can fetch some" Raven gave him a haunted glance as Gildor got up, but he said nothing.

"It was not a trick to get you alone" I said "You know wounds that are so deep should not be washed out, but I can do nothing without water here. Battlegrounds like this do not help keeping wounds clean…What lies between you two?" I asked abruptly, untying the bundle and taking out bandages and salves. Raven turned his head around, now really looking at me. He was breathing hard, and I could not say if it was pain or fear of me.

"The sea" he said suddenly "Only that"

I had not expected so blunt an answer and paused in laying out my supplies "The west does not call to you" I said carefully. It was a non-sequitur that generally served to puzzle dark elves. Raven seemed to be doing some quick thinking and come to a conclusion.

"I would go with him nevertheless" he said "But I am-" he looked down at the grass for a moment before returning his gaze to me "My other half is wolf. I already know what it feels like to loose a part of one's fëa, I have no desire to repeat the experience. I doubt that I would survive it, and I know I would not want to. Can you tell me your…your gods would let a changewolf enter their…their guarded lands and remain what he is?"

"No" I said softly "I have been there, but I cannot give you an answer to that"

I reached out to search the wound but then halted and sought Raven's eyes. He shrugged slightly "There is little you could find out that you do not already know, I fear"

Raven was shielded as perfectly as Gildor. Even touching him I could not tell more about him than, as he had truly said, I already knew. Or guessed.

His skin felt dry and hot "Are you…do you have a fever?"

"No" he said uncertainly "That is…normal for my people. I think"

Gildor returned with the water. It was still steaming. I held the herbs in my hand for a long moment, gathering my own powers of healing and spell-weaving before crunching the leaves into the water. They took some time to soak, and I clasped the wooden bowl in both hands, letting my power pass into the liquid.

"So you use earth magic yourself" Gildor stated when I finished my silent invocation and opened my eyes again.

"In my own land, yes. But what do you mean with 'myself'?"

"Elrond was not happy with the way the change can make use of earth magic -"

"- and twist it into its own designs" I finished "I have sensed these changewolves here, Gildor, and I don't think I would 'be happy' witnessing the change at a close range. If you want me to be honest, I would have ranked the Ashi'kha in the list of demons rather than elf or beast. Neighbourhood to Dol Guldur works miracles on ethics, don't you think?"

I smiled, seeing that Gildor obviously was not sure what to make of my words. Raven said nothing.

"I know better now" I added, stirring the water in the bowl slightly "You will remember what I said about the three and their roots in the dark. We hardly have a reason to refuse an ally on the grounds that he bears a mark of the Shadow when we ourselves found our realms on that ultimate power. Now…I think this is cooled down enough"

I soaked one of the bandages in the warm liquid and let the water trickle over the wound without touching for a moment. Raven bit down on a hiss and instead dug his hands into the grass when I started to clean the deep wound. I thought he was going to faint, knowing how much agony this must cause him. But he clung to consciousness with an iron will.

"Is then the change our mark of the Shadow as you put it?" Raven asked when he could breathe again "I cannot remember my people having ever served the Shadow. And I cannot believe all of your people fell for Sauron's lies or were guilty of rebellion" He looked at me thoughtfully "My brother used to say the Valar are unfair. You have known Fёanor. You have been there when They made you all into exiles – do you still think the Valar are fair?"

Long ago I would have answered differently. Now, I could no longer do so "I do not judge the Valar" I said quietly "It is for them to judge me. But I see your point, dark elf. Look at it this way – Lorien is not evil, though the power upon which it rests is founded in Sauron. I do not say your people have become so through the dark one. I do not know that either. I do not say they are evil because they are changewolves. That would only be an overt mark of the shadow, if you want to retain the metaphor, and nothing you could change. You choose your allegiance freely"

I opened a jar which contained a soft, bitter-smelling salve "That is about the strongest stuff I have here. It will numb your whole side, but as things look that would be an advantage. I will leave it here, but do not keep using it if you start to feel dizzy. It can be poisonous, and I don't know how you may react to it"

Raven squeezed his eyes shut and waited for me to complete my business. I wished he would have let me start mind-healing, but he needed most of his concentration not to resist even the diffuse healing-powers I employed.

"What about your people? Are they alright?" I asked when I had finished. He nodded "You need not go there"

I gathered my supplies and got up. Gildor seemed to be relieved that I had come after all now, but he flatly refused my offer to help him.

"Just a few scratches"

"Just a few scratches and an unrestricted bond" I pointed out "You have not trained for this. That wound did get him very close to death – take care how far you go"

"Exactly as far as the next cook-fire" Gildor said with mild irritation "I know what I am doing, Galadriel"

"The next cook-fire is with Hador over there" I said with a sigh, inspecting the orc-carcasses "I go there. Speaking of fires, this will make a great stench and smoke"

"Yes" Gildor stared at the slain orcs "It will. Wait a moment then, I am coming with you"

I sidled around the disgusting heap, discreetly watching and eavesdropping.

Raven relaxed minutely when Gildor knelt beside him. He spread a damp cloth on the dark elf's side and wrapped a clean bandage around him to hold it in place, then pressed a flask into Raven's hands when he was finished "Drink something. You're pale as a sheet"

"I am just thinking over my breakfast" Raven whispered "I don't think I want to add anything to that"

Gildor smiled "You had no breakfast. Now drink"

Raven obeyed and grimaced "Heavens, simple water would have sufficed"

"Don't start carping at miruvor, be glad I left you some. How do you feel?"

"Fucked up"

"Now that I would know"

Raven started to snicker but caught his breath sharply "Bastard" he gasped "Don't make me laugh"

"Good" Gildor nodded with satisfaction "As long as you can swear I don't have to worry that much. Just do me a favour and don't start lugging carcasses about straight off again"

"Don't worry, I don't feel like getting up for several days. Where are you going?" Raven asked hurriedly as Gildor got up.

"Getting some food" he said "I trust the wolf will get hungry when he smells it"

He accompanied me to Hador's guards and wrapped some bread and cold meat in a piece of cloth to take back with him.

"What then is the covert mark of the shadow?" he asked softly as he turned to leave "For all your surprising acceptance of these things I still do not believe you are above insinuation"

"I did not mean what you suspect" I said truthfully "If I wanted to criticize your relationship I would do so more directly. You were not exactly discreet a few days ago, I hear"

Gildor shrugged "No. If they want to frown we will give them cause. And don't tell me this is unheard of in Lorien"

"It is not" I said, unabashed "Just not with a half-wolf"

Gildor laughed out loud "Do they think that! Really?"

"No. But the suggestion is there" I frowned at his mirth "I see you are wickedly amused. How far do you want to carry the implication?"

"That depends utterly on Raven" Gildor grinned broadly. More earnestly he added "I hope you see we have other worries than planning on public fornication?"

I nodded quietly "The sea is certainly a formidable rival for your warlike dark elf"

"So" Gildor looked away for a moment "It is. There is really nothing I can say to that. You have to stay. I would pay dearly if I could stay"

"You do not want to leave?"

"No"

"I thought-" No, this was wrong. Many left Middle Earth in despair. Many left because they wanted to. Leaving was the way, since the beginning of time ordained so. Finally leaving had always been my goal, my hope. A shining hope at the end of this darkest road, though I feared the pain with which I would have to walk there. The ships. Despite all the foreseeable losses in going I wanted to leave. I had not expected Gildor to say so, ever. With so much conviction, after all that had happened and after so long a time.

"He would go with you" I probed carefully, wondering if Raven had revealed his reason why he was frightened of the West. Gildor looked at me sharply "How do you want to know?"

I sighed. Why could not he give me a complete answer, just once!

"He mentioned something like it"

Gildor shook his head "He cannot, Galadriel! Not as he is! Or can you tell us that…that…"

"…that they would let the changewolf remain what he is?" I finished. So they had broached this between them "I could not give an answer to Raven. I can give you none. What are the Ashi'kha? How did they become so? That is, I think, upon which the answer depends"

"You speak in riddles, Altariel"

"No. At least not intentionally. You know as much as I do about fёar – the Valar are not almighty. Did Morgoth make the Ashi'kha what they are as maybe he made the orcs? If so, chances are the Valar may both want to redress the change and have the power to do so, as he was one of them. If Eru Illuvatar created them so, or gave them the power to become what they are, then the decision lies with him alone. But as far as I can judge, Raven's people did not know about the West in any way: if Eru created them, his designs for their afterlife must have been special. I have not passed through Mandos, Gildor, and if Glorfindel could not tell if there are Ashi'kha fёar there, I most certainly cannot either. And if the Ashi'kha first changed by their own powers, I would guess this cannot be taken from them by any force except the One himself. If Raven has spoken to you about this, what I said you could figure out for yourself. And he gave part of the answer himself. The change and the wolf are part of his mind, his fёa. And the fёa cannot be changed by any force, except maybe its owner's"

The look on Gildor's face told me his thoughts must have run that course as well before. I had just proven him that he had not brewed up fancy.

"No one can ask him to give that up" Gildor hissed "What would we have even if he did? Half a life each, and that does not make a whole"

"I did not say anyone should ask that" I replied "But the sea calls to you. I…can see it. It tears at you"

Gildor raised a hand slightly "Don't. Don't say it. And I hate the fact. I hate myself for that damn weakness. They will win. And I do not want them to"

Now that was stated with heartfelt anger. I felt stricken "They?" I asked, though I guessed the answer.

"The Valar"

"Do you think it is a war they wage, Gildor, that they would 'win'?"

"I don't care. Don't look at me like that, Altariel. I love this land, you know? For all that it is under the Shadow. If the wolf has shown me one thing, it is to be alive. Truly alive. My life. With no steering power above me, watching like parents over the scrambling of their child! I do not feel like…like fading into history, can't you see? I want to live! I have eternity, if you will. If I can fight the sea"

"You have changed" I stated softly "No, I don't mean it as a rebuke. I told Raven I do not judge the Valar. I still won't. I can search hearts and tempt all I want, but this is here. In Middle Earth. In the west, Galadriel will have no power. But she will be healed. Of pride also, I deem" I smiled slightly, but Gildor only shook his head "Do you see that there is the catch? They say pride is a sin, a mark of the shadow, to use our favourite phrase today. In the beginning" he added quietly "it was the objection of our families that posed Silmarussё's and my greatest enemy. That swiftly changed into Valarian law itself, and it remained a shadow of doom throughout my time with Glorfindel. And now the enemy is a shadowy, un-fightable force that washes the shores of Middle-earth. I did not mean to say this, least of all to you. Maybe Raven's way of taking no prisoners is rubbing off. Maybe this is the mark of the shadow you referred to. The grace of returning has become a ban on staying. A curse" Gildor groaned softly "One more. Great"

I almost laughed, but the matter was too great for laughter. I was not sure if he spoke in mockery or true desperation "What will you do?"

Gildor snorted "I rather fight the sea with teeth and claws than be reduced to a begging child" he turned away abruptly "I am tired. I will only speak foolishly if I say anymore tonight. Please. You had better forget what I said. Maybe I have lived too long under the shadow indeed"

I watched him walk back into the dark forest. Pride again. That was the only thing I had understood about Fёanor, understood with my heart. But I had had many long centuries in Middle Earth to see there was an ending, and an end this way or that. If there was a possibility to fight one's own war against the powers of time, I could not see what it was.

If there was, I thought, Gildor would find it. And probably hold on with teeth and claws, as he put it. Raven, I realized. It must come down to Raven. He was at the core of this change, maybe he would provide the solution.

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