Midwinter

Imladris, TA 3020

Raven's POV

I was wakened by someone making a sound I did not recognize as my name for a while. From the fuzzy and peaceful dreams of the wolf it was like breaking through glass to come back into the world and mind of unfurred. But I felt a hand on mine which both I and the wolf recognized as Gildor's, long before I realized the sound meant 'Raven'. So I struggled awake and opened my eyes. There was no glare of the sun as I had anticipated, only soft and warm fire-light. We were alone. Relieved, I sat up, taking a precious moment as the blunted, cold-feeling senses of unfurred replaced the warm awareness of the wolf.

Gildor did not look particularly fresh either "I'm sorry for waking you. But you've been sleeping for two days straight now. I was worried-"

I blinked. Two days. Oh. Yes, I remembered now. The orcs, the landslide we caused.

"We kind of…overestimated, I suppose" I said finally, having to form the words consciously around the momentary blankness in my mind "Are you alright?"

"I'm fine" Gildor gave me a mug with something steaming. I was thirsty and would have preferred something to gulp down, but this was better than nothing.

"I was out cold for a few hours, but at least I woke" he added.

"Nothing bad happened to me" I said, nipping the spiced wine cautiously "I would have wakened soon, I suppose. Where are the others?"

"Hunting. Here…eat something"

Fresh bread. Fresh bread and wine. I would never see how these people could provide the most improbable things even when out scouting.

"Water?"

"Here" he gave me a water-skin "But drink that wine, too"

"What's in there?" I asked suspiciously.

"Cinnamon, sugar and cloves. Nothing else"

I busied myself with the food and drink for a while "You were…pretty rash joining to me then, you realize?"

Gildor smiled wryly "I thought we'd had it. Did you know what you were doing?"

"I did. But what about you?"

Gildor shook his head silently, but I did not know if he meant that as an answer or was not going to answer "Since that did not kill me, Elrond nearly did. I suppose he forgot for a moment that Sauron is gone…"

I nibbled the soft bread and watched him. He carefully kept looking aside, hiding his face behind a curtain of hair as he inspected his dagger and then sheathed and put it aside.

"What will we do now?"

Gildor shrugged "Wait for the others, eat whatever they caught, and then go back. Rawegil and Caltarin will remain here to wait for the regular patrol to come by and take this place over"

Exactly that happened. A day later we were back in Imladris. Elrond had not spoken much to me, and I had avoided addressing him. The night of our return I went to the main bathhouses, too tired to use one of the smaller rooms within the building. When I came to our rooms Gildor was not yet there, only his pack sat still tied on the table. It had been raining solidly all day, so I pried the knot open and spread the soaked contents in front of the fireplace. Then I flopped down on my own bed and rolled into the covers. I felt terribly tired and weary, something I hated with all my heart. Since the incident with the spear in Lorien I seemed to feel every strain double, and that ceased only slowly. Too slow for my taste. I could have slept now but kept myself awake, though I could not rouse myself enough to stake up the dying fire again. Gildor came in a little later, bearing the signs of a hasty bath. When he saw that I was still awake he shut the door with a bang that betrayed anger and flopped down on his bed in the dark.

"It's starting all over!" he growled "I can't believe it. The Ashi'kha fought this war with us, Mala'shech died, you nearly died, and now Sauron is gone they keep asking why! Why can't they just.leave.it.be? I'll kill the one who next asks me this!"

I knew very well what he was referring to. It did not bother the wolf, and I was too tired to take any offence at someone's remaining doubts.

"Who is 'they', hm?"

"Who are they" he corrected sullenly. I laughed and got up despite my protesting muscles, taking one of the candles in our room. By now, I could light it with a sharp, directed prod of power. I carried it over to Gildor and put it on the low desk between our beds as I crouched down beside him. In the candle-light his eyes did not look green-blue but dark. He watched me steadily, anger at whatever confrontation he had had tonight radiating from him.

"Try to imagine what they would think of this" I said softly, gesturing at the candle "If you no longer must think I am in league with the dark for this, don't let their doubts get to you so much. You showed me how to do this. You realized that it is always the choice for what to use this that decides right or wrong. Their words have always been the same, even when you were with the rhevain. What can they change? Nothing, Gildor"

Gildor shook his head "Do my people never grow up? Can we still be such children?...I wish there was a way to stop their damned questions, their looks"

"I thought Elrond made his peace with the way things are"

"It's not him" Gildor raked his hands through his hair but did not elaborate. Glorfindel or Saelbeth would not badger him on this either, so whoever else now nagged him I did not know and therefore could dismiss as unimportant to me.

"Look, I am very much inclined to take Arwen's advice. Ignore them"

"I have ignored them all my life" he snapped angrily "I had better stand up to their disapproval just once"

"The wolf will always be a demon-hound for them, never what he is for you!" I returned "There is no way"

Gildor stared at me for a long moment until I dropped my eyes "But there is…" he said suddenly "There could be…If you would go along…No, that is mad. I can't…"

"Gildor-" I was half amused when he trailed off for considerable time, staring at the candle "If you told me what you meant I could give you an answer. I have a weakness for mad schemes"

He looked at me straight then "Bind with me" he said abruptly "Announce your binding with me on midwinter"

I blinked. Mad scheme indeed. But mad for whom, him or me? I would say yes without hesitation. But this time, startling me, the wolf kept me back. I knew what vach'khan'tohr meant when they said binding. And though I could not imagine staying after he had gone west, a tiny voice reminded me that Ashi'kha did not know the binding of one to one forever. If I stayed, if ever I found myself approached as nok'uni I would have to betray either Gildor or my clan. Wouldn't I?

I was not shielded from him. Since Lorien, I had never been. I knew he would see what was going through my mind.

"But the binding on midwinter does not invoke the Valar's seal" he said quietly "I would not ask you to choose between me and your clan. It would only stop their questions. It would only say out loud what we have been for years…It would leave you free to be nok'uni if ever you have to or want to"

He understood my clan far better than I understood his people even after so long a time. I grimaced inwardly, feeling inexplicably guilty.

"We would so manage to make them all blink" I said wryly.

"We would" he agreed "But it was not them I was thinking about in the first place"

"I know…And yes, I will" I said "I will indeed. But will they not tease you worse than ever? You who never bound yourself?"

"They will not tease about this" Gildor said ominously "They are much too worried to lose me to the beasts"

"What?"

"You said it yourself. They cannot see what the wolf is. That is what they can't understand. The wolves. You and the wolves, that is. No matter the Ashi'kha were here so long. They…cannot trust something who's other half if wholly beast"

And you can, I almost asked. But I knew it was a vain question. If someone ever trusted me, it was Gildor.

"And how should the beast-half, if indeed there was one, betray them?" I asked "To whom? Where would be the harm? Where would you 'get lost' in this?"

He usually gave flippant answers to this. But not tonight. It took another while of silence until he spoke "Raven…Elrond realized only when we did that thing with the landslide how much the wolf can lead us both. It was only the wolf that kept me from great harm when we linked minds then. I…I think when they tried to separate us to carry us to the cave I reacted for a moment as the…wolf would have done. Elrond snapped our connection then because I was attacking him"

"You speak so calmly about this" I said carefully after a while "If you can, why does it seem bad to them then? Did it hurt you?"

"Raven, it saved my life! But I can only speak the way I do because I experienced it. I know it was not bad. But that they cannot know or feel. And my telling will never suffice"

"Well" I said finally "I certainly do look forward to midwinter"

Elrond's POV

Midwinter festival in Imladris was, aside from the speciality of this time, always beautiful. But now there were perceptively more candles than ever before, flickering in high glasses spaced along the terraces as well as within the buildings. I busied myself with the preparations and any work I could lay my hands on, causing first Erestor then Glorfindel to tell me to sit down and rest, for heaven's sake. But I couldn't. So much had changed. I did not want to sit and contemplate the changes, least of all the most painful ones.

Before midnight, almost everyone was outside by the great fire we had lit in the main gardens. Torches were set evenly in a circle around the gathering. It was bitter cold, and a soft snow was falling. This was a midwinter-feast that was near perfect. And in honour of the occasion and defiance of the last servants of the shadow, there would be fireworks. Imladris would no longer be kept hidden by our design. We would start with this. Mithrandir had been stacking his supplies here for a few weeks in advance. I kept my mind blank and enjoyed the incredible display. I knew it lasted a great while, but it seemed over too soon.

There would be one other main event before the feast wound down to the fire, music and hot drinks. After many years of almost breathless expectation, there were people who wished to announce their binding.

Isilfanya and Curutano came forward first. They had waited for several years for this, and I felt relieved and glad to finally give them the formal blessing. Glossgil and Faranaur were next. They came as a bit of a surprise. Glossgil was Silvan, and she had had a hard time getting used to and finding her place within Rivendell. I had assumed only great friendship between her and Faranaur, but obviously missed out the rest. After speaking their blessing I shook snowflakes out of my hair and stepped back to wait for the next and last pair. I found myself curious, but also felt some trepidation. Raven and Gildor went forward together to stand in the circle beside the fire. Gildor had spoken to me only briefly before and I wondered what they would do. Would they choose the way of Raven's people, however that worked? But then they would have had to coach me on the proper actions. Would they follow the rhevain tradition, and cause a major argument right on midwinter feast? I knew that the wild elven clans' binding announcements were simple but effective. The pair in question would step forward, announce their binding, and challenge people to object. I did not know what happened if there were objections, but could imagine if Gildor were to do this, there would be trouble.

Raven as the younger spoke first, and for once he was calm and confident as he said the formal words of approach.

"We are here to pledge our binding on midwinter night. Hear what we ask"

It was the same words everyone had spoken before, yet I almost gasped because he said them in ancient Quenya. Few here understood it, less spoke it, and my mind only supplied me with the meaning because I had witnessed and sealed more bindings than I could remember and was familiar with all versions. They had chosen the traditional way, yes, but it would be an immaculate play with the conventions. A play I knew only Gildor or someone else who remembered Valinor as older than a babe could pull off. They settled what was to follow on traditions that had evolved during, maybe even before, the Great March in the Starlit Dark. Raven continued firmly, switching now to Sindarin which everyone would understand.

"I am Raven, Kela'shin of Wolf Clan, son of Khai'la of Wolf Clan and Hurondil of Gondolin, who is now Kelehan of Wolf Clan. Tonight I announce my binding to my companion and lover, Gildor who in my people's language is named Desert Lion"

I firmly put the soft whispers that went through the gathered elves out of my mind and digested what Raven had just said. He had named his own true name, which I could see no one here had ever heard except Gildor. In naming himself Raven had unfounded whatever doubts we might have about him still to the point of retaining no personal defence - and anyone who still said 'but' would now be challenging Gildor's intention directly. They had contrived this shift of responsibility with the calling on of the ancient ways. Gildor carried his sword, at his side this time where it could be drawn in a moment, but Raven only wore the bone-blade of his clan. It was clear who would answer to any further challenge.

Gildor spoke next. If he felt defiance, it did not show in his speech but in his brief words.

"I am Gildor, son of Elear of Alqualonde, scout of Hawk Clan and of Imladris. Tonight I announce my binding to my companion and lover, Raven Kela'shin of Wolf Clan"

I truly bit my lip at this. He only named his mother, holding to the law of Valinor under which he and Silmarusse had abdicated their right to their fathers' lands and titles, and he ignored the possibility of naming father and mother regardless of what had befallen within the family. Neither was there any reference to his military rank or his part in the host of Gondolin, which had not fallen to ruin with the city, whatever he might think. I wished for his pride he would have at least claimed that. But of course he would refer to the rhevain.

In any way the two had masterfully played their cards for those who could see. They could have chosen for one to offer his binding and the other accepting, as the other two pairs had done. Instead, each had simply announced his binding to the other. Everyone now knew that whatever terms their relationship rested on, it was those of Wolf Clan. In a way, with calling on the old ways, what they had done was as good as a rhevain challenge. And neither would Elbereth be called on, as I had asked her blessing for Curutano and Faranaur and their partners.

I pulled my mind together and spoke the formal reply, feeling the Ancient Quenya words awkward and cool on my tongue "I hear what you say. I witness and acknowledge your pledge. Stand forward for your binding to be sealed"

I walked forward as well so we met beside the fire. The warmth from the blaze was very comfortable after the icy snow drifting on the dark night-wind. This part was the same whichever version of pledging was chosen. I took Gildor's hand and set it on Raven's, then wrapped the leather-thong around their forearms so it crossed itself four times up and below.

"I acknowledge and seal your binding, for you to be each other's this winter and all the winters that may follow" I said quietly, then, following an impulse I did not understand at the time, feeling only that the words seemed unfinished this way, added "May your hunts be successful and Orome's blessing be upon you"

I met Gildor's startled look for a moment, but then had to concentrate on not cutting either of them as I slipped my knife between their joined arms and cut the thong through. I picked up the two longest pieces and gave one to each.

Raven's POV

The leather-thongs curled in the snow in front of me looking like the thin grass-snakes that thrived in the dunes of our summer-camps. I stared at them for a moment, puzzled that this should mark the beginning of the end not only of our secrecy but also of any doubtful questions that had so angered Gildor lately. I found it interesting that people had things to announce their belonging. I could not remember that my clan exchanged such tokens and for a moment worried at the thought as a wolf did a meat-bone. Had we? Sometimes, partners wore similar or the same akhai. That was the only thing I was familiar with. I crossed my legs tighter and leaned forward, laying each of the thongs in a hoop with overlapping edges which I tied into two knots. That way, the size could be varied without having to untie anything.

"There" I got up and brushed snow off my long robe, managing not to trip on the hem again. Gildor, having crouched opposite me, rose as well.

"Don't you dare throw it" he said as I made to lop one off the hoops towards him. The fire was at our backs and I could not see his face clearly.

"Of course not" I grinned and went to stand before him. I was going to drop the thong into his hands, but then thought differently and took his hand, pushing his sleeve up and slipping the thong up over his elbow.

"Too tight?"

"No" He took the other loop from me, so I held out my own naked arm. Snow was falling, but for some reason I felt too warm and had left my coat on a bench.

"Push it higher" I said "So I won't lose it when I change"

He looked at me for a moment, and I knew he was involuntary estimating what I knew without thinking – how the joints and bones of my unfurred body corresponded with my wolf-form. He obeyed, but instead of retreating and ushering us both back to the rest as I had thought he would, he held on to me and pulled me close. Only now, with the security of feeling Gildor with me, holding me, I realized how much this speaking the few words I had said in front of the whole valley tonight had cost me. I leaned my head on his chest in relief.

"I am glad we did this" His breath was warm on my cheek in the comfortably cold night.

"So am I"

"Are you hungry?"

I laughed in surprise "Who is corrupting who, hm? I am tired. But first and foremost, I am hungry, yes"

Gildor took my cloak from the bench and held it out for me. I slipped into it a little awkwardly. I preferred the wide-cut things I could easily shrug on or off. Gildor rested his hand on my side for a moment over the scar the spear had left.

"It hurts still?"

"Sometimes" I admitted uncomfortably, wondering if he had guessed it or probed for my mind. I thought I had hidden the instances when that happened well.

"Not well enough" he said dryly.

I glanced at him "I wish you wouldn't do that"

"Privilege. I wish I could be like a wolf for a moment"

I froze in my tracks, feeling my heart hammering suddenly. Gildor halted as well "Raven, I didn't mean-"

"No" I said quickly "No. Gildor, I did not think. I – we - could do this…yes-"

This was the last I had learned from Nightchaser before Niy'ashi and I had left the clan. I did not know why I felt uncertain now, because then I had thought it the most wonderful opportunity. The wolf remorselessly forced me to remember why I flinched from this. It was what had given me the idea to try and seek Niy'ashi's fёa on shin'a'sha.

"…indeed I think it would work…There is something we can try" I said finally, moving forward and concentrating on Gildor's presence beside me. He said nothing, waiting for me to continue. Gradually, I could view the idea separate from Niy'ashi's death, see it again as the wonderful way Nightchaser had opened to us then.

We were almost in the middle of the gathering. I stared at the fire, grateful for the warmth now just as a moment ago I had felt too hot.

"We are not shielded anyway. If I…if you join your mind to mine when I am wolf, not just for…mind-speech but…short of binding I can…carry your awareness with me and…you can see as the wolf does. You can be wolf, in a way-"

I had shocked and angered him before, but never seen that look on his face. His people thought so many weird things, saw them different from us, and just as many we regarded similarly. I knew what I proposed must seem dangerously close to possession, but then I met his gaze, resolved not to back down on this. It was mine, my people's, and I would stand up for it. I was braced for conflict, but then he said only "And you are sure that it works backward as well?"