Title: 'The' Talk
Author: TrinityTheSheDevil
Rating: K
Summary: James attempts to give Harry the talk, while Remus and Sirius help.

A/N: Ficlet meant to be included in "Web of Lies", but will never be since I have decided to retire that fic. It is never going to get finished. Sorry:( The backstory to this ficlet is that Peter was caught when Harry was small, James and Lily are still alive, and Harry lives with his family, Sirius, and Remus. Enjoy.

"See Harry," James began, "Sex is like Quidditch ..."

"Does he compare everything to that bloody game?" Sirius whispered to Remus.

Continuing and ignoring Sirius' comment, James turned so that his back was to his friends. "Sometimes you score, sometimes you don't."

"And James didn't most of the time. With sex that is. Come to think of it, he didn't really with Quidditch either ..." Sirius grinned.

James turned red and faced Sirius. "Now wait just a minute, I scored more than you did!"

"Really?" Harry asked.

James sputtered slightly. "Uh, no. I mean yes! I mean, argh! Ignore your godfather Harry."

"Well, there was that Patricia Barnes and that night in the astronomy tower." Remus snickered.

"And the everlasting hickey ..."

James' face turned a darker shade and he glared at Sirius. "IT WASN'T A HICKEY!"

"What's a hickey?"

James looked back at Harry. "Uhhmm ... well it's when ... a girl ... uhh ..."

"Uses her mouth ..." Sirius supplied.

"Right, uses her mouth ... and um ..."

"Puts it on your skin ..."

"Right, thank you Remus...she puts her mouth on your skin..."

"And bites your arm off ..."

"Exac- ... wait a minute! Shaddup Padfoot!" James pointed a finger at Sirius. "You're supposed to be HELPING me!"

Harry looked thoughtful for a minute. "Ohhhh! Like when mom was sucking on your neck that night dad and it turned another color, and you had to wear the turtle neck shirts for a week!"

Sirius blinked. "Oh really, Harry? Can you remember anything else your mom and dad did like that?"

"Well there was the chee-" James stuck his hand over his son's mouth, his face now completely devoid of white-ness.

"That's enough, Harry. Information like that isn't meant to be public."

Sirius pouted and reminded himself to ask Harry again later.

"I think ... it would be best if you ask your mom about sex. Okay Harry?" James said.

"Okay. Thanks for trying to explain it dad." Harry quickly hugged his father and took off into the kitchen to find his mother.

Sirius and Remus both wore wolf-like grins as James turned back to them.

"Thanks for the support guys ... I REALLY appreciate it."

"Oh, is that a hint of sarcasm Paddy?" Lupin's grin widened.

"I think it is, Moony!" Sirius snickered.

James glared and was about to say something rude when Lily walked in.

"James, honey ... who is Patricia Barnes?"

Sirius choked and quickly grabbed Remus. "We'll just be talking with Harry, you guys obviously have things you would like to say in private." They walked out the door, giving James a cheery wave behind Lily's back.

"Uhh, dear ... you realize I had girlfriends before you ... right?"

The door shut, cutting off James' voice, as Sirius and Remus chuckled and high fived each other.

End!