Am I dreaming or am I awake

Please don't leave me

No not again

Well I shall follow

Wherever you will go

I know the answer

To bring the end

As you are today I now will be

As we go today we shall be free

The Grey Havens

September 29th TA 3021

Gildor's POV

The Grey Havens.

Mithrandir still stood on the quay with the periannath. A few had already gone aboard.

There was never silence by the sea.

Now, the water lapped against the ship's hull, the stones of the quay. The wind broke in the many lines of the sails, flapped a few loose ends.

High above, gulls glided and cried their wailing calls. Everything seemed clear cut, as if rimmed with black lines.

The firm ground ended and wooden planks formed the part of the quay reaching across the water. Below, there was the sea already. The boards on which I stood were bent and weathered – I could see down to the sea between them.

Ravens don't cross the sea.

I looked at the ship, the pale wooden slabs of the smooth hull, the white, still furled sails. The sunlight of afternoon was dazzling on the ever moving sea, and I had to look away, staring at nothing particular.

For a while, my course had seemed clear. The ringbearers went. All of them. Glorfindel went. Even Shadowfax.

Then there had come Celeborn, and here were his farewells also.

So he was staying. The sea did not call to him as it did to Galadriel.

The sea certainly called to me, but, I wondered, was that enough?

You crossed only once. And in one direction.

I never said I would go, did I?

Raven thinks it. I made him think so.

I was never sure myself – maybe if he thought I would go, I had hoped, it would be more real for me.

A lot came to my mind, but I remembered most the peaks of far mountains, seen from a land of thick grass and wide plains with patches of dense, moist forests.

The air flimmering in the heat of summer days, the smell of each particular season.

The taste of frost in icy nights full of stars.

I remembered Silmarusse, but I knew she was dead – even if I went west, she would not be there.

Ravens don't cross the sea -

Are there wolves in Aman? Why did I not know that?

Raven stands at the edge of the boards, silent as a rock.

He will not come here, will not speak.

It is my decision, and damn right he is leaving it to me.

I keep telling me that even as I remember standing with him before the fire at midwinter. Even as I remember for once sharing the wolf's body, the warm, unbounded awareness of a world full of scents and sounds, the feeling of unlimited energy. Without realizing it, I had taken a few steps back from the edge of the quay. I bumped into something – someone – and whirled. Elrond stood behind me, the dark grey cloak wrapped tightly around his shoulders. Caught for a moment in the memories, I tried to remember the warrior of the Last Alliance, the commander of more than three thousand years of the sun ago.

I could recall orc blood and the stench of battle. Middle-earth was one huge battle field, drenched in the blood of centuries of war.

I could also recall the touch of glossy wolf fur.

The black running on the ice of a lake in midwinter.

Raven sitting on a window ledge one stormy night in autumn, the buildings of Rivendell below.

The wild elation we had shared when he had let me into his mind without reservations so we both could be wolf.

After a moment, I looked up into Elrond's eyes.

"If you cannot let go, don't wrench it away" he said softly.

"This is the last ship" I could barely hear my own voice. "There will be none else after this"

For a moment, Elrond looked away over the sea.

"No" he corrected. "You stay. Celeborn does. Others do as well. Other elves are there still. Other ships will follow" Elrond smiled wryly "I would ask you to come with us, because it seems right. But it wouldn't be fair, would it?"

"What is fair anyway? Not even the Valar are"

I knew he would look at me like this. This must be the way I looked at Raven when he first said that to me. But damn, Elrond, you of all the world should understand the feeling.

He does. For a moment he looks angry, but then he shakes his head and looks back at the ship.

"Maybe that is so. And maybe you are mistaken and they are fairer yet than we guess"

Can they give you your daughter back? I wanted to say. No. Were they willing to grant Aragorn what they gave Beren? No. How can they even understand what life means to mortals, they who never die? What this world means to us, who are bound to it until time itself falters? They who never came here after they had finished it?

Now I was not being fair, I knew it. Orome had come here after, and so had Ulmo. For our sake. And because they loved what they had made. But this solved little for me right now. It was Ulmo's sea that soured every waking moment, and sometimes even my dreams. And then it was the wild counterpart of Orome's hounds that acted as compensation at the other end of the lever. I longed for that being with a depth that suddenly gave me the strength to step back even further from the quay.

"Well, I will find out" Elrond said suddenly, turning to me "Farewell, Gildor Inglorion. Wherever it is, may you find what you seek"

The decision has been made for me, I realize. He does, too. And grins. He stands on the edge of Middle-earth and, for all the world, grins at me! I want to tell him not to call me that. I have ceased being Inglor's son when I stood with Silmarusse before the assembled court in Valinor. Maybe I could have made it up. Maybe father would have wanted to make it up. After his temper and mine had cooled for a few centuries.

Elrond knows, and still he chooses that name. Wherever, he says. Maybe whatever would be more to the point. I do not know what it is, where it is – if it is even there at all.

"Never know what you want, gypsy, do you?" Elrond whispered, leaning close to me. Erestor's words. The only elf I know being content to spend all his time in Rivendell. The only one able to quip at wanderers like me without superiority, but with spectacular non-understanding.

"Go" I said, smiling despite myself and embracing him "Where you go, you may find peace"

Voices murmured behind me. One of the periannath wept quietly. I watched Elrond walking up the white plank serving as gangway and disappear into the ship.

All sound seemed to get drowned out by the ever-whispering sea.

Suddenly Glorfindel stood beside me. I knew without looking. No matter how changed, Glorfindel was still Glorfindel. And still remembered, just as I did.

I would never have had the courage to face those years in speech, not even now. But Glorfindel had finally started the talk, and we had talked quite some things during the journey here.

Not that it ever had helped to decide.

Do not give up the hope, he had said a few days ago. The road into the future is veiled, but you are walking it together.

"This is goodbye, then?" I said. I think he had known I would not come – would not be able to leave – long before I knew it. He alone knew how much I not only needed the wolf, but how much I accepted that longing. He alone knew that for just once, I had been closer than ever before to its fulfilment.

Glorfindel was silent for a long moment. The sea-wind stirred his unbound hair, blew it from his face. Pure gold, not mixed with red like mine. Nothing fitted the concept of khai'toh as Raven had explained it to me better than Glorfindel did at this moment. Another longing seized on me. The west. The white city. The wide, green land. My own people. I closed my eyes, summoning another picture to block out that chimera. I thought black wings fluttered around me, but when I opened my eyes again it was only the strong sea-breeze.

"I think there is more to your wolves than just teeth and fur" Glorfindel said after a moment "You should find out what"

"You are leaving" I repeated, without knowing what I meant to say. I just could find no final words to say. If I did, it would be over "That is what I should do as well-"

"I am returning" Glorfindel corrected me "And you only need to look inside to know that is what you cannot do"

I am returning. To what, I wondered. A land of tamed hills and governed life?

Glorfindel smiled, though he looked sad. From the time we had been lovers, the time before – the cliff – he had obviously retained the ability to read even my guarded mind. But he made no answer to the unspoken question.

"Elrond was right" he said instead, looking away. "I do not leave in sorrow. There may come a time when you will feel the same. Wait, and do not end your stay in regret. Wait, and keep that hope so maybe such a time will never come"

Again, he turned to look at me "You have changed. And by that you have also gained time. Maybe now, you may enjoy it without the shadow. You need the wolves. Especially one. And he needs you as well" Glorfindel raised his hand to touch my face lightly "I ask you again to keep hope. Farewell, Brother Wolf. And fare free"

I flinched involuntarily at the Ashi'kha name. The realization of the end. There was a familiar smile on my friend's face, betraying the amused knowledge that he had surprised me. I wanted to answer something, tell him I still loved him, what ever.

But how could I, say so to someone who had returned from Mandos? Have it come from me who also knew I loved Raven -

Things were simply too complicated.

Nothing to say.

There was nothing to say.

Or rather, there were no words for what we wanted to say. What I wanted to say.

To each of them.

"I came there as I was, and I returned as I was" Glorfindel had said a few days ago, when we had spoken for a long time, once again. "Had our love been damnable, would I have been allowed to return? Would I have been sent back? There were enough others to choose from for sending back"

But it had been a question. Obviously, Mandos had never seen fit to tell Glorfindel.

Back to my place, I've got nothing to say.

What is my place, though?

I hugged Glorfindel for a long moment, thinking I would never find the strength to let go.

"I know what I am in for, Gildor. I am glad to go back" Glorfindel finally released me and made a small gesture towards the land "You've got one more farewell coming" And then he was gone, going up the plank with firm, quick strides. I turned, knowing, but not realizing what he meant until she stepped on the planks and the boards rang dully under her hooves.

"Oh Faire, damn it all" I did not care what the others saw or thought. What did they know what she meant to me? She had already taken farewell of Raven. There were white hairs clinging to his black coat.

I went towards her and embraced her neck, pressing against her warm body and breathing the scent of clean horse-fur. Her long silky mane was swept around me as she lowered her head over my shoulder to press her cheek against my back. Tears stung my eyes now. She had been with me from the beginning. The very beginning. And she had been there while everything around me went down in ruin. She had been there after Silmarusse's death, and after Gondolin. She had been there when Eregion was overrun. She went to Imladris with me, and she had followed me through the wild for uncounted years. She had not only been mount and pack horse, she had been my partner in battle, and my companion. In Imladris they had teased those interested in more than my company that they would have to share their place with Faire.

Though I certainly could not confirm the teasers' implication, any partner I might have chosen would have had to accept that things were shared with Faire that I would not broach with him. Raven – or should I say the black? – had never once questioned that.

'Do you remember the landslide?' she asked me 'When you first ran into Kela'shin?' I took a moment to realize what she was saying. Not the images she usually sent, but carefully worded mind-speech. I swallowed, but my throat was too tight to speak 'I – Kela'shin? – How -'

She whickered softly. I could feel it more than hear it over the wind. Slowly, I released her, and she stepped back, raising her head so she looked down on me with one eye, amused 'You were right, he never reproached us for keeping things from him. But there were things he obviously told me before he told you' She would have grinned smugly now, I knew, imparting this choice bit of information 'It was nice talking to four-legged for a change – my world and yours are quite different after all'

I shook my head in disbelief "Faire, after so many centuries you still come out with things I wish you could have told me when I could have put them to better use than to fret over mistakes I made. You could have had things easier. For yourself"

She tossed her head in denial, then she flattened her ears slightly 'Tell me. You remember?'

"Of course I do" I cupped her silky muzzle in my hands, unable to imagine she would be gone soon.

'I could not follow you then. You had to go with him – and you know how much that changed things for you. Us. And where you go now, I can't go either. Ashi'kha territory is rocky. I can climb, but I am no mountain goat. I know what it looks like, Kela'shin showed me'

She paused, and I could only stare at her. Her warm breath puffed into my hands, and I dreaded the moment she would pull her head up.

'I wish I could go with you' she said, pushing her head against my chest so I could touch her neck and ears. Neither wolves nor horses can cry, but I could feel her pain as keenly as I knew she could feel mine. I held on to her mane when she looked up slowly 'But now you can't follow me either. I have things to do. I do not know what, or why – but I am called. And I know it will be good'

"Who calls you?" I wanted to ask but only managed a whisper "Orome?" It was years and years, I realized, since I had spoken that name.

'I do not know. I just know I must go for my own sake. And for yours'

"For mine?" I could not keep incredulity out of my voice. If she went, the only constant in my life would be gone "You sound just like Altariel"

Faire whickered again, her equivalent of a chuckle 'No' she said, answering to my thought 'The wolf. He stays. And yes, for your sake'

"I do not understand"

'Neither do I'

I rubbed the whorl of hair between her eyes. She was right. Raven would stay, and because of him, I stayed. It would be harder, and far worse, if I knew she did not go freely. I just could not let her go.

'Gildor?' Faire made a small motion with her head.

We were the last on the quay. The periannath had withdrawn to the road, where the firm ground ended and the planks of the quay began. As if they feared the boards might break away and plunge them into the sea. I could very much sympathize.

This was the only time Faire had ever addressed me by my name. I looked around, and found Raven had ventured out to us. He almost walked gingerly on the boards, glancing down at the gaps between them. If he had been wolf at the moment his ears would have been flattened and his ruff standing on end. I could almost see the black's image before me. Raven halted and looked at me uncertainly, then at Faire.

"My lady" he sounded hoarse. Faire dipped her head to him, once, almost like a bow. A motion I had seen her make only once – when the Balrog had waylaid us on Cirith Thoronath, and Glorfindel ordered her to shoulder the stemmed flood of terrified fugitives forward and away from the demon. A final farewell.

'I must go' She turned her head to be able to look into my eyes. Her mane slipped from my grasp with the motion, and I forced myself not to hold on. For a moment, I saw something in her eyes that made me shiver. Not with fear, though I could not name the feeling. It was too brief, and all I could do was not to run after her as she turned and slowly ascended the plank to the ship, taking a place beside Shadowfax.

I looked at Raven, and he returned my gaze. For the first time I could remember there was a blank space between us. Not even anger was there. At some point today we must have had closed each other out, and I suddenly felt like facing an absolute stranger. Raven's stormy grey eyes betrayed nothing of either wolf or elf.

The journey here had been a strain on both of us, an endless stream of unfinished farewells and uncertainties. When we had left Rivendell, all the way long, I had never found a decision. The others were leaving. I had thought I would, too. But I had never consciously decided, not until a few moments ago. I looked for reproach in his eyes, relief, anything. But he presented me only with the wolf, did not reach out or close the space between us. I looked after the ship, dwindling into the distance. They had raised the sails on leaving the harbour, and the wind drove the ship speedily out of sight now. A colourless haze hung over the further sea, and despite the bright glitter on the waves, I could not keep track of the ship. For a moment, I felt completely lost and out of place here, almost doubting my decision. Raven gave me no clue, and it hurt. I blinked tears from my eyes angrily. He stood beside me, staring fixedly into the haze beyond the blinding glitter on the water.

Elrohir spoke our names. We turned, suddenly aware that evening seemed to have fallen behind us and on the land. The only light remaining glittered on the sea. The twins occupied the driver's seat of the cart in which the ringbearers had driven here now, the horse in front of it dozing and oblivious to what was going on. They looked haunted. Their goodbyes had already been said.

We climbed into the back of the cart and Elrohir turned the horse into the wide lane, away from the sea.

I caught Raven's eyes. The dark elf looked at me for a long moment, as if he wanted to say something. He did not, and dropped his gaze to stare along the road.

We drove far into the night. Thick mist curled around the stones along the road and gathered on the fields on the side. The clatter of the horse's hooves seemed loud in the night and no one spoke.

I lay back against the cart's side and shut my eyes. Where was that land of the distant mountains? I had been there with Raven, in summer, when the grass was high and full of ripe seeds –. We had watched the geese gather and fly southward in long lines -. There had been a great thunderstorm, taking two days to build up, with huge towers of greyish white clouds-.

I did not notice the hooves stopping. Only when the horse whinnied loudly I jerked out of my reverie. A second later Raven touched my arm lightly, the brief contact sending a jolt through me. I must have looked startled, because I saw puzzlement on his face.

The mist was so thick now I could not see further than a few feet into the night. There was a large building with many windows, most of which were dark. A few answering whinnies sounded from the stables in the yard.

"We stop for now" the Raven said, making a small gesture to the inn. The first words he had spoken to me all day. I could not read the sign or remember the name, but I remembered staying here before-. On some way to the White Towers. Before the war-.

I followed Raven off the wagon, stretching stiff muscles.

Elladan came out of the door, the innkeeper and his aide on his heels. Quietly, the man lead the horse into the yard and Elladan gestured us inside. Some patrons still sat at a last mug of ale and watched us curiously. A sleepy-looking barmaid handed us keys and led the way up a dim staircase into a long corridor, trying to hide her curious glances. She opened the door to two small rooms side by side and promised to bring a light meal and washing water.

Only half my mind seemed to care for what was going on around me. I found myself uneasy being faced with the prospect of sharing a room with Raven. That was so absurd. There were things to clear between us alright, and I almost reached out to hold him back and talk to him.

Almost.

I sat up twining a length of sinew into a bow-string. Faire. Knowing she was gone made me feel as if I had swallowed poison. She left an aching emptiness I had never expected would be there. There had been long moons when we had not been together, many times we had gone our separate ways. I had never felt like this.

Because now she was gone forever. It felt like this. I stared at the bowstring. It was impossible to think of staying here. It was also impossible to think of leaving.

Raven did not even pretend to sleep either. He sat against the head-board of his bed and stared through the window. The moon was nearly full and a bright silver patch moved slowly across the linen while the moon rose higher. Mist settled thickly on the ground, and dawn came slowly, it seemed, with a grey-white pearly light as the mists rose and dew settled on everything outside.

We left early, well provided with cold meat, fresh bread and fruit wrapped in a bundle of cloth. Elrohir had some problems convincing the horse to leave the stable and the other horses so soon. Raven took the opportunity to escape the cart and taking the horse by the bridle walked in front beside the mare.

Even the twins could muster no heart to joke, but at least they were not as relentlessly silent as Raven. With him leading the horse the three of us were free to sit in the back of the wagon, but we barely talked. We briefly discussed the route we wanted to take, things that needed to be done on returning to Imladris. Facts. Neither of us could yet bear to mention the Havens.

The road wound through tended fields dotted with holdings here and there. We met only few travellers, most of them periannath or men, crossing from their fields to their homes or back. We avoided the next large village and left the road for a narrow path through the fields. Water had washed deep rills into the ground on both sides where the carts' wheels usually ran, and we fled the cart as it rumbled and wobbled along.

It was deep dusk, and a new thin mist curled on the ground when we neared the forest edge and struck a smooth path leading on between the trees.

These forests were tended and used for wood regularly, so there was little dead wood or undergrowth, and the paths were kept in repair. Raven left to hunt as soon as we had made camp and tethered the horse on a long line to graze.

Elrohir left to fetch water and see if he could find some mushrooms, and returned with two pheasants and a squirrel. They had been killed by the wolf. When I asked, Elrohir said the black was going to stay out and hunt 'other things' for himself. I knew he meant mice, but right then I would have happily watched the black eat mice. This silence and distance between us became unbearable.

Raven did not appear, and we had finished a subdued meal of roast meat. Elladan disappeared into the trees to take the first watch and Elrohir, sensing my unwillingness to speak, rolled up in his blanket and turned his back to me.

I had not meant to fall asleep, but found that I had when I woke from a dark dream of disconnected images. Mist curled thickly on the ground again, and everything was cold and damp. My left side was warm, because Raven had curled up there. I lay still for a moment, not knowing what to do, how to begin. His silence at the Havens had hurt me. Right, probably there was nothing he could have said. But he had not even attempted to cross the sudden gulf between us, and I felt he had left me adrift the one moment I had really needed only him.

No. I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment. I had never given him clarity. All the way from Lorien, to Imladris, and then to the Havens, he had never known what I would do. And he had had needed me just as well, maybe even more. He had never said as much, but I had listened well and read between his lines. Faire's going hurt, and left me bereaved – but I would cope. I knew that. My going, I had gathered, would leave him far more alone. He had been careful not to say so, tried to keep it from me, but I knew what he really meant when he said it was only me keeping him here. He was not talking about Imladris, as he had wanted to make me believe. Probably he was not even really talking about choosing the wolf completely. The Other Wind. He would do what he had tried when Fingal's death had left him half mad. Only now he would do it in quite his right mind, and effectively. My own indecision had kept him dangling on a thread I knew he was gathering the courage to cut once I was really gone.

I should have known all along this could not end well. Indeed, I had said so in the very beginning. But then I had not been able to see how much in earnest he had meant what he had said, had thought he would find his own determination to live once the terrible agony of his soulmate and brother's death had worn off a little.

Also, I should have known for myself, all along, that I could not go into the west. Not with knowing what he would do. Of course he had tried to hide that from me, so the knowledge would not interfere with my decision – and I had been too dense to see his scheme. Still, it had taken to go to the Havens to show me that.

And no problem had been solved. I still knew I could not stay forever. Already I could feel the sea pulling at me, seizing me at unwary moments. Suggesting a longing my waking mind told me was fake. I remembered the west, and I knew what had befallen there – what I longed for was gone, gone beyond recall. If ever I come there, I would find a changed world. Yes, even the west would have changed. What I longed for was a memory – and if I wanted to live in the west just to see there what could never be as I remembered – then I could just as well stay here. Because here I could live, and make new memories. So I had told Raven in the beginning, when he had contemplated every knife he saw with longing. So he had flung the words back at me when I had thought I could and should never love him.

And here we were – not even talking to each other.

I stuck my knuckles into my eyes, willing some solution. He must have been awake himself. He sat up when he felt the slight motion as I lowered my arms. I took a breath to speak before my courage failed, but he reached out and laid a hand lightly over mouth.

"Listen to me first. I am sorry. But you are so – unreachable, and it…it feels like we have said goodbye, and now I don't know how to start again. You are sad, and I have no comfort for that. Forgive me" He faltered and leant down to embrace me, hard. His hair fell over my face, smelling faintly of pine needles and forest. I pulled him closer and tried to fight down tears.

"We have been saying goodbye" I said when I could speak again "All the way from Imladris two years ago and to the Havens"

And we will keep saying goodbye again until the sea becomes stronger than me, and all I can do is sail or become in truth what Faire had been named after in reverence – a ghost, a phantom, a wreath of smoke on the wind. The Valar aren't fair, and damn if Elrond still tells me yes! Bitterness welled up inside me, and I bit my lip to keep from snarling in rage. Raven's breath tickled across my chest, quick and uneven puffs. He was fighting for control as well.

We have time. All the time I can fight out of this, we have it.

"Time" Raven hissed "What is time? My time is not my own. I can not slow it, change it, or quicken its pace. Time simply passes! And all control we have is to end it when we wish!"

I had not known he could read my mind as well. I was so surprised, I was angry for a moment "Since when can you do that?"

"Since you are shouting your thoughts at me without shields" he snapped "And since you idiot tied your own life force to me to save my bloody pelt in Lorien"

I stared at him for a moment, unable to form a coherent thought.

"Wolves do not count time" I said finally.

"I do" Raven bit the words off "and for all the time that is left to us, I spent too much of it waiting and avoiding you"

"It was not your fault-"

"No? Remember, I can read your mind, and I know I wasn't there when you needed me"

"Raven-"

"No. I can never make that up. All I can do is ask you to forgive me. Will you?"

"Gods, dark elf" I pulled Raven down beside me and pressed him to me "If anything, we must forgive each other" He lay still for a while, just clinging to me.

"Take me with you, will you?" I said finally "To your people"

"Yes" he said softly "I will. I will…trust in the hope Glorfindel spoke of"

Chapter Notes:

Quote at the beginning from the song "Step into the Light" by Kenziner (album "Timescape")

In the "Grey Havens" in The Return of the King the sons of Elrond are of course not part of the Last Riding of the Keepers of the Rings. Neither is it really clear if Glorfindel (or Cirdan) went west at that time – Glorfindel is not mentioned by name among the Riders (while Gildor is), neither is Cirdan explicitly said to go aboard. For this story I assume that Glorfindel did leave.